YuYu Hakusho is not mine.
WARNING.
This chapter is short. Sorry.
xdXbx
June tenth
Reflecting on my first entry into this "journal," I find myself dumbfounded as to how I could possibly have considered my feelings those of depression.
Hiei and I spent most of the past week exterminating a growth of plants that somehow got here from the demon plane. I suspect smugglers. Though Hiei makes it out to be merely an annoyance not worthy of our time, (as is to be expected from him, naturally) some species we've dealt with really are vicious, to the point of having claimed lives. HIS claim is that he's "aware of that, as he has had to remind me many times."
While he seems to be doing perfectly well in our new environment, and while the same should be true of me (owing to all the plants about), my mood has thus far only been victim to the process off deterioration.
Mother called last night, asking why I hadn't called her yet. I told her, quite truthfully, that I'd forgotten, how exhausting our days have been, and how sorry I was.
She understood, of course. She thinks I'm volunteering at the animal shelter across the street from our hotel. That isn't a COMPLETE lie; many of the shelter's animals have been poisoned or suffocated by the wildlife we're dealing with. As far as the place's employees know, we're just your (hardly) average specialists in the (life-threatenng) art of exterminating unwanted (demonic) plants.
I talked to her for what must have been half an hour, putting all my effort into making it seem as if everything was fine. I didn't work. She couldn't have seen through me any better if I had been made of glass. I remember what she said right before we hung up... before I hung up ON HER.
xx "I'm your mother, Shuuichi. I can tell you're having romance problems." xx
I didn't know what to do. I barely even remember what I DID do. I just know it included denying what she'd said, yelling, cursing, swearing, and shoving down the phone when I was through.
Last night's nightmare included an army of telephones attacking me, and as silly and ridiculous as it sounds, it had be screaming in my sleep, consumed by the inexplicable fear that something was very wrong. It took me half an hour to calm myself down after waking from that.
I feel horrible. Is it selfish to wallow like this? There's someone dying somewhere, perhaps of suffocation or hunger, and I'm sitting here feeling so bad over a crush. I've become such a disgusting person, and absolutely nothing can excuse my bahavior towards my own mother. I love her more than anyone in the world. What if she won't talk to me now?
On top of that, Hiei hasn't been himself since the day after we arrived here. It's almost as if he goes out of his way to talk as little as possible, not just to me, but to everyone we meet. It's getting to the point where I have to translate his various grunts and hand motions to the few poor townsfolk subject to receiving them as answers to their questions. Though the process no doubt amuses both of us, it does get tiresome. And it worries me, if perhaps there is something bothering him that he's refrained from telling me about.
Then again, why should he even bother with me at all? I am not Youko, and as I must keep reminding myself, these feelings I have for Hiei are mine alone, unrequited. But when I do remind myself of that, I merely become more depressed.
I wish it would go away. Everything. I wish it would all just go. All my feelings, all my acquaintances... just go. I wish only to be left alone, in peace. Some would call it living merely as an empty shell. So be it. I just want everything to go.
Another thing, Hiei and I keep finding ourselves in... embarrassing situations. One woman working at the animal shelter I've mentioned came up to me a few days ago as we were tackling a few particularly persistent flowers and asked if we were lovers. Just like that! I told her we weren't, but she didn't seem to believe me. So she went over to Hiei and asked HIM. When his response was the same as mine, she left. I thought I saw him blush as she turned away (he DOES do it from time to time, contrary to the belief of everyone on this earth but me), but I can never be sure; I couldn't bring myself to look at him for nearly an hour after that. I was certainly blushing.
We talk every night before I go to sleep. I don't know how we fell into that habit. We just do. That night we talked about the woman and how crazy she was, and we wondered aloud about how she'd come to the conslusion she reached about us. His guess was that she was delirious with some horrible human fever-illness, doomed to be an insane matchmaker for the rest of her cruelly shortened life. Though my stomach twisted at that statement, I had to laugh with him. It WAS funny.
I don't know what made me do what I did next. I did it, at any rate. I asked him what he thought of homosexual crushes, completely forcing upon him a topic we've never even brushed against before. He replied that he didn't care either way, so long as another man never tried to kiss HIM.
I suppose I should have expected this answer, but it still hurt. Then again, maybe he feels the same way about heterosexual crushes and just hadn't cared to elaborate on the fact, Hiei being Hiei.
Or perhaps that's simply wishful thinking.
xdXbx
Many thanks to silveryoukoshinomori, KyoHana, Kaida Black, and kilikxiaolian!
mycatcoco7 - To put it simply, YuYu Hakusho is an action manga involving mass blood, mass gore, and mass bishies. Hiei and Kurama are (in my opinion) the most interesting characters in it, and also (again, in my opinion) have the most interesting relationship. They don't "like" each other in the manga as I have them "like" each other in this fic, but they are very close. Kurama is the only person Hiei really considers his friend, though he cares very much for and is fiercely protective of his sister Yukina (who doesn't know she's related to him) and has a grudging respect for their acquaintance Yusuke. Hiei is short (like... five feet) with black hair that sticks up like the tipof a flame and a headband across his forehead to hide this thing he has called the Jagan Eye. He wears all black, all the time, and he's good with a sword. Kurama is average/tallish with medium-length scarlet hair and green eyes. My "boyfriend" (how many people have a paper boyriend, huh? How awesome is he, huh?) and Satoshi are doing quite well... Plieades is on my red notebook (as you know) and Satoshi is on my closet door. XD
Lady Serenader - You have no clue how awesome your second review (the one to PsychoticAnimeStalker) made me feel. Thanks so much for that. In response to your first review: yes, Hiei will definitely have his hands full. And I like both Serenader and Lady Serenader equally, for the sake of outside opinions. Both are very cool.
Electric Fire - OMG... Satoshi... -drooool- Whoa there... Lilac-SENSEI... you're overdoing it there, methinks. It's not all that hard to do Hiei when you're as cynical a person as me. The dryness comes easy, y'know?
T.K. Yurikoto - Botan suspects, doesn't know. I may have her appear a few more times, to drop hints and give shoves... -wink-
PsychoticAnimeStalker - Hiei thanks you for the flame. It gave him some extra fuel. You really did pick an excellent way to show what a considerate person you are, well done.
Until next time!
-Lilacs