LILY EQUALS LIFE

By: n33n

Okay, a new approach to the whole Lily && James madness. James is arrogant and charming as ever…Sirius hot, yet maddening at the same time…Remus, quiet and thoughtful…Peter—that worm, and Lily? Oh, Lily's still feisty and kicking. Kicking James in the OUCHES.

Chapter One

"It's always his effing, bloody fault! James freaking Potter. I'm going to torture him with medieval devices first, then let him die a slow, agonizing death begging me for mercy, which I under no circumstances, shall never give," said a not-so-red-head fiercely.

Not-so-red-head? Wait, just what the heck was wrong with that sentence? It was a completely normal Lily Evans, red-haired extraordinaire, type sentence.

So, who said it? James Potter's latest ex-girl friend?

Oh, it was Lily Evans. With bright, curly, and very green freaking-looking hair.

Bad dye job? Ah, yes. The proudly accomplished work of Mr. James Freaking Potter.

"Y'know, it's not too bad. It somewhat matches your eyes," Lily's friend, Alice, tried to say to make things seem a little better. How much was James Potter paying her, you ask?

10 galleons for an hour.

Lily shot Alice a reproachful look. "Alice!" she whined, "it's not even the right shade of green! It most certainly does not match my eyes!"

"Oh, I do suppose you're right." Alice nodded and then with a quick glance at her watch, added, "He's hiding in that dusty suit of armor on the third floor, in case you were wondering."

Apparently, the said hour had run out.

"Thanks," Lily quickly said before rushing off to seek revenge.

Oh, dear…

As Lily stomped towards the innocent-looking knight-in-armour on the third floor, she was thinking of how the heck she could get James out of the suit without using magic. She suddenly became enlightened with an absolutely brilliant idea.

With a secret smile, she headed towards the knight slowly.

Lily leaned her head on the dusty knight's stiff shoulder and sighed rather dramatically.

"Oh, dear knight, you have no idea the woes I have to go through each day. I—I think I've just developed a fancy for dear James Potter, but after he hexed my dear hair today, I'm not so sure anymore…If only he hadn't…I had really just begun to like him too."

The knight's armor squeaked a bit, and Lily grinned wickedly.

She continued in a mournful voice as she noticed unruly black hair poking out through the side vents of the metal helmet, "Yes. He's just so drattedly handsome and charming. How could I not like him? Oh dear, it seems like I'm talking to a plain knight. Too bad I can't say these words to James Potter himself."

Lily paused a moment before turning to leave, ready for James to pop out and declare his undying love for her.

"Oy, Lily!" James shouted suddenly from behind. Lily's grin grew wider.

"Potter! Where ever did you come from?" Lily asked, trying hard to look bewildered.

James stepped close up to her. "I heard everything," he breathed out quickly, looking somewhat flustered. His hair was in knotted tangles.

Lily felt her heart beat involuntarily quicken as he did so. She hated lying. But this was for a good cause—the well being and sanity of herself.

"Oh, really?" She nearly closed the gap by scooting even closer. Lily threw her arms around his neck, and James closed his eyes, leaning in.

At the very last second, Lily kneed him. Way hard. She let go of him and let him fall rather ungracefully to the hard, unwelcoming stone ground. Lily inwardly winced and thought, "I'm so heartless."

"Damn flobberworms!" James shrieked loudly in agony. He doubled over and bent down. Then, as if bending down was still hurting him too much, he merely fell flat on his back with a loud thud.

Lily saw this great pain and almost felt sorry for him. She opened her mouth to apologize, but out popped a sneering comment, "Serves you right, dear Potter. As if I'd ever think that way of you!"

She turned and left quickly, before her conscious made her go back and apologize to James.

o.O.o.O.o

"Sod off, Padfoot. I'm not in the mood," James grumbled as he limped over painfully, his eye twitching every few seconds from great misery. Sirius had just playfully punched him.

Sirius eyed him at first and feigned a hurt look. "Aww…my dear Prongsie-poo got his sweet little Snitch knickers up in a knot."

Finally, James managed to lower himself into his favorite squishy armchair in the Gryffindor Common Room. "Evans freaking ouched me!"

"Ouched? You mean—oh, no! She did not!" Sirius nearly shouted loudly, looking quite appalled. Then his voice lowered to a 'quiet' whisper, "Not a whim of worry, dear Prongs, I swear by Dumbledore's sock fetish that I won't tell a single soul."

"Ouching isn't that bad, Paddy. Certainly not to the point that you can't tell others. " James cocked an eyebrow at Sirius and then quickly added, "Though I rather you not, of course. It is a wound to my manly pride."

Sirius sucked in a breath. "Not bad?" he nearly shrieked, "has your dear ol' mum never told you to protect your carnal treasure from crazy, driven girls like Evans? You've—you've become unpure, dearest Prongsie!"

"What the bloody hell are you on, Padfoot? Unpure? Evans just—" James looked uncomfortable as he leaned over to Sirius to whisper it, "—kneed me."

Sirius let out a barking laugh. "Ohh. That's loads better then. I was under the false and quite—make that extremely—disturbing impression that Evans either sexually molested you and/or raped you. Honestly though, from the way you were limping…" Sirius trailed off and winked at his best friend, chuckling lightly.

James glared at Sirius. "This is a girl we're talking about. Men do not get raped by women."

Sirius became solemn and a grave silence followed.

Then, "Are you sure?"

"PADFOOT!" James exploded, turning an astonishing shade of red.

James's face turned softer as he replayed the ouch scene. "She's just an excellent kicker. Feisty. I like it."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at James. "Did you just admit that you were turned on by her kicking you in the family jewels? You're not worried about not being able to procreate? I mean, I guess I can understand that good kicks can probably inflame your pe—"

James cut Sirius off, "—What I meant, Paddy, was that I like her personality. Nothing about sexual desire."

Noticing Sirius's genuine wounded expression, he added, "Not that she's not extremely hot and sexy, and yes, there is an infinitely small chance I might get turned on by her kneeing me in little James."

Sirius beamed.

"But I didn't," James said unnecessarily, causing Sirius's smile to turn into a glum scowl.

"I get it," Sirius said sourly, before starting to twiddle his thumbs. "Oy, Prongs, did you know that the expression 'to twiddle your thumbs' actually looks like this?" Sirius twiddled his thumbs in James's face to prove his point. "Odd, isn't it? I thought it'd be more like this. See, look?"

Sirius nearly poked out James's eyes when he did a surreal, tap-dance with his two thumbs. Thank Merlin for my glasses.

"How interesting, Padfoot. I think I'm going to go and—" James stood up abruptly and then came crashing down again. He groaned dramatically. "Damn Evans and her super-amazing, turn-me-on kickability. They hurt like heckkk."

"Was that 'heck' emphasized with two more 'k's after the normal 'k'?" Sirius asked breezily.

James glared. "Sod off, Padfoot, or I'm going to—"

But James never finished out his threat. Dear Ms. Lily Evans had returned.

Author's Note:

Wow. Another story…I need to stop writing so many.

Updates in a few days, if I get enough reviews! wink