Do I really want to do this? Do I love 'er enough to risk my life and face whatever is in that cave? She deserves more than me, more than any man. She's like an angel. Precious and fragile... Ha, fragile? She's anything but fragile. Powerful, fierce, cunning. Am I worthy enough for 'er? Definitely not. But I used to be, before my stupidity got into the way.
When I first saw 'er she was so radiant. Sunshine and goodness, that's what she was. But I got under her skin and I found out how wonderfully wicked she was. Oh I admit I liked her even then. I always had things for slayers. But for her, she was different. It was more of a crush. No, I'm not a Ponce, of course I wanted to shag 'er also. But Drusilla was right when she said that I was overcome with sunshine. I was. That sunshine was Buffy Summers. God, I cant even speak 'er name after what I did to 'er...
I had first realized that I wanted to hold 'er forever was when the Witch did the spell that made me and her become fiancés. When she was sitting on my lap, my arms around 'er stomach, we were fighting over who we were going to invite. I never wanted that moment to end. And seeing her with that ponce Riley... I wanted to stick hot pokers in his eyes for even looking at my Princess. He was never worthy of 'er, he never had more of a chance with 'er than I did. I was so happy when I found out how I could get him away from 'er. But I soon regretted it when I saw 'er face. I hated that stupid man so much. Who would leave 'er? ... I guess that's what I'm doing now? Huh? But I will come back. I promised myself that. I have to see 'er again before I die.
Know who else wasn't worth enough for Buffy? Angelus. He was 'er angel. I always hated how she always had a soft spot for my grandsire. He had tried to kill 'er for Christ's sake. Nobody ever deserved 'er as much as I did, but even I'm not good enough for 'er...
I remember seeing 'er smile in the bronze, the first time she had seen me. I was so anxious to dance with her. I remember the 'not again' look on her face when I said there was guy outside biting another one. I remember the confused look on 'er face when I said see you on Saturday... I didn't really want to kill 'er on St. Vigeous. I wanted to do many other things...
So should I go in there and get what Buffy deserves, or should I leave 'er alone to live a normal non-vampire boyfriend life? Boy, this is an even harder decision than the time I first formed an alliance with 'er. The slayer deserves someone who can be there for 'er, that can take 'er back to reality, that can please her, and she doesn't have to worry about him getting in her way... That somebody has to be me. I will never get to live with myself if I let some other Whelp be with 'er. I'm going to do it. I need to.
We could live happily forever. She would go slaying and come home and she could fall asleep in my arms. And we wouldn't have to worry about me killing anyone again. I could never do that when I get my soul. But all 'er friends would accept me. Red, the Whelp, Ol' Rupes, Tinkerbell, The bit, and Xander's mate. They could put any blame on me or hold any grudges. It would all be better.
But what happens if I'm just like Angel when he got a soul? Would Buffy see me as a coward? Would she take pity on me and kill me? Would I be worthy of her then?
I'm going to do this. It's for the best... Here I go.'
Spike stepped into the cave and disappeared into the dark.