Odds and Ends
By: neen
Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for Bits and Pieces, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think Bits and Pieces is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. BITS AND PIECES! Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!
PART TWO
With a large flourish, Sirius handed the finished letter to James with a bright beam on his handsome face. "There, Jamie!"
James read it with great dread.
"The very hott and delectable Francesca Palooni,
I LOVE LILY EVANS. I like to know what type of shampoo she uses so I chucked my dashingly good looking and devily awesome mate, Sirius Black, one of your daily, devoted correspondents, at her. I must admit, dear Sirius's muscles are quite defined and sexy. Have I mentioned his FINE buttocks yet? They're so incredibly firm. Ahhh. I want to run my fingers all over his very yummy bod. In fact, I think I'm going to do that right now. Ta ta for now, you sexy hunkadory.
I love you, Bembles!
Kisses,
Jamie-poo dearest."
James emitted a large groan.
"What?" Sirius asked, looking annoyed at James's reaction.
"This," James began, shaking the letter, looking marvelously pissed off, "is what I get for letting you write my letter for me! I can only thank Merlin that you didn't send it off already!"
Sirius pouted. "Oh, but I write such lovely letters! What in Merlin's thick, bushy beard are you talking about?"
James rolled his eyes. "You make me sound gay, Padfoot. All rainbows and butterflies."
Sirius looked puzzled at James's last comment. "Rainbows and butterflies? But those are so pretty! I mean, all the colors at the same time? Floaty cute little buggies? Adorable!"
"And my point is proven," James said and sank back further in his armchair, looking satisfied.
"I'm not even going to ask," Sirius said loudly, throwing an odd look at James, and slowly inching away from him as he did so. "You probably just admitted that you're homosexual, and since I'm in the one foot radius, I'm susceptible to you throwing all your energy of love towards me. Which would be terrifying, so I'd be in your debt if you didn't do that…"
"One foot radius? Energy of love?" James asked, giving Sirius a questioning look. "What are you on?"
"The one foot radius!" Sirius repeated, an insistent look on his face. He moved away from James and called out, "If one of the two people standing in the one foot radius circle has a strong attraction for the other, the first-mentioned person is 98.6 sure to do some very naughty and mind-disturbing stuff to the other person."
James snorted in disbelief. "That's nonsense, Padfoot! I've been pretty close around Lily loads of times, and I've restrained myself from doing unmentionable things to her!"
"Yes. There's a reason why."
James looked at him curiously. "And what reason is this, Paddy?"
Sirius looked very solemn as he said these next words. "You don't really love her."
James rolled his eyes. "If I don't love her, who do I love?"
Sirius gulped and swallowed very slowly before saying in a very quiet voice, "Me."
James nearly choked on his own spit. "WHAT? That's ridiculous, Padfoot! You're just joking with me, right? Har, har?"
Sirius did not say anything. He merely stared at the ground, examining the carpet floral design very closely.
James's eyes bulged. "Sirius, that's stupid. I don't like you like that! You know that, right?"
Sirius still did not peep a single word.
James started panicking. "That's not right, Sirius! This one-foot radius circle crap of yours is wrong! Did I do anything to you the last time we were this close? No!"
Sirius slowly nodded. "Yeah. You did."
"WHAT!"
"You hugged me. Quite tightly, I might add," Sirius said, looking a bit uneasy. "A very non guy-to-guy type hug. It was a very I'm-in-love-with-you-because-you're-just-too-damn-sexy-type hug."
"That," James furiously tried to explain, "was because you looked like your fricking dog just snuffed it!"
Sirius began to emit loud, high-pitched wailings. "Gingermelon dying was bad enough! Then you had to make things worse and embrace me in a non-Marauder way! It's was a traumatic day, I must say!"
"Who's Gingermelon?" James asked, looking curiously at Sirius.
"That's beside the point," Sirius said hastily, "The point is that you physically harassed me so much that I cannot bear to stand in the same one-foot radius as you, making the One-Foot Radius Circle Theory true."
"There is no One-Foot Radius Circle Theory!" James cried out in exasperation.
"Yes there is!" Sirius insisted.
"Since when?"
Sirius unraveled a long scroll of parchment. "Sexy Sirius Bloody Black's Many Lovely, Lingering Laws and Tried, Tested, and True Theories: #1953/One-Foot Radius Circle Theory: 'If one of the two people standing in the one foot radius circle has a strong attraction for the other, the first-mentioned person is 98.6 sure to do some very naughty and mind-disturbing stuff to the other person.' Added today."
James rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Are you going to help me with this letter or not?"
"I might. But only if I get to stay—this—far away from you," Sirius said, looking frightened as he motioned at the far distance between the two Marauders.
"Fine," James said, looking cross.
"Francesca Palooni--," James wrote down and said aloud for Sirius's benefit.
Sirius nodded, looking important. "It's a good start, Prongs. Nice job. Actually, maybe you should use a comma instead of those dash-dash-dash lines."
James sighed, scratching out the line and making a squiggly that obviously represented a comma. "What next?"
"What? I can't hear you," Sirius called out to him.
"WHAT NEXT?"
"Um, go on about how you nick Lily's knickers and snog them senseless underneath the security of the covers of your bed and make those obscene sounds also known as love moans," Sirius suggested, not noticing the entrance of another person.
"Say it louder! You're too far away."
"TELL MR. BEMBLES HOW YOU NICK LILY EVANS'S KNICKERS AND SNOG THEM SENSELESS UNDERNEATH THE SECURITY OF THE COVERS OF YOUR BED AND MAKES THOSE OBSCENE SOUNDS ALSO KNOWN AS LOVE MOANS!" Sirius repeated quite accurately.
"Oh, oka—BUGGER!" James cursed loudly as his eyes widened at the new incomer.
"What, Prongsie?" Sirius asked smirking as James mouthed at him to shut his mouth up. "Need me to tell more about how you tried to French Evans's shoe that one nigh—oh. BUGGER!" Sirius paled as his smirk faded off. Cursing loudly, he hid behind the old armchair for protection. James was still standing up as he was in the center of the room and could not hide underneath or behind anything.
There was a third inhabitant in the Common Room.
A bright red—from embarrassment or anger, no one could tell—faced girl with flaming red hair and sharp green eyes.
Um, Lily Evans?
BUGGER.
Author's Note:
Whew. I will not be posting this up anymore if I do not get more than 5 reviews for this chapter. It's simply too much to keep up with, since I have so many other stories to write.
And if this didn't satisfy you, go read Bits and Pieces.
It's loads better.
I think.
Review please!