Odds and Ends

By: neen

Yeah, not much of a Lily/James interaction thing. That's for Bits and Pieces, which I've really enjoyed writing! However, many issues will be dealt with here that are about her. It's supposed to be funny, but I dunno. This is more of a Marauders snapshot thing. Personally, I think Bits and Pieces is a bit better. AHEM. That is very blatant advertising to go read the thing. BITS AND PIECES! Haha, thanks for suffering through that! Enjoy!

"Francesca Palooni,

I have followed your advice and consulted with my very listening friend (at least, I think that's how he put it), Mr. Loony Moony. He was giving some shoddy advice so I decided to come back and ask you. Just kidding. I think he was just tired or something. Aaaanyways. my dear friend, Loony Moony, told me to write you again. I think he's taking a nap, that lazy arse. Har, har. Well, I think I'm supposed to be writing to you about my Lily problem again. Hmm. Well. Moony told me to be friendly towards her, but I can't help it…every time I see her, my hand gets magically magnetized to my hair, and I always give out a stupid, arrogant, prattish remark towards her. AND the fact that both Moony and Lily think I'm stalking her isn't making this any better. Please help me before I attempt to end my life by drowning myself in this tiny pot of ink. GUIRRRGLEEE, CHOKE, SPIT.

That was my first attempt. You have been warned, dear Frannie. Help me or…I will die trying.

YOUR BEST PEN PAL EVER! (EVEN MORE THAN SIRIUS BLACK, THAT PILLOCK)!

Jamessssss (that took a while to write out all those squiggly thingies also known as 's')"

Remus sighed as he read through James's letter.

Suddenly, raging footsteps were heard as James busted through the door of the boys' dormitory. Remus, quickly, hid the parchment underneath the covers and Vanished James's owl, Genitals, and acted as if he had been sleeping very innocently all this time.

"MOONY!" James shouted, looking a bit breathless. Though he would never be completely breathless, seeing he was very fit and a Quidditch all-star. Anyways, back to what James was saying. "Did you just see Genitals fly up here?"

"Er—" Remus faked a yawn and shot James a weird, disturbed look before comprehension quickly came to him. "Your owl, you mean?"

"Yeah," James said, looking around eagerly, but no one else was up here. "I swear it came up here to deliver that letter I just wrote to the Palooni bloke…you wouldn't know who he was, would you?" James cast Remus a highly suspicious look.

"Erm, well," Remus said, squirming slightly and pushing his pillow underneath the covers as a result.

"Unless…oh Merlin!" James looked horrified and quickly pulled back the covers slightly to reveal the bulging thing underneath the covers on Remus's bed. Remus looked harassed as he managed to slip the letter out of sight just as James jerked the covers off.

"Oh," James said, breathing a great sigh of relief. "For a moment there, I thought Mr. Pristine and Innocent Lupin had finally gave in to the indulges of mankind…and well, was jerk—"

"STOP!" Remus cried out loudly, drowning out whatever phrase James said afterwards. "My ears! My innocent, virgin ears!"

James looked at him. "Does that mean you haven't been given a wet willy?"

Remus groaned quite audibly. "Prongs. Honestly, it—AHHHH! WHAT IN MERLIN'S MAGICAL NAME ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?"

James had licked his finger and slobbered over it, and stuck it in Remus's ear as he was saying the word 'honestly'. He grinned at the hassled looking Remus.

"Aha! Remus's ear isn't a virgin anymore! I just had intercourse with REMUS LUPIN'S ea—"

"NO! PRONGS! NO!" Remus cried out in great disgust. "SHUT UP!"

"Aww, spoil sport," James said fondly and grinned even wider at Remus, who was looking quite sickened at all this talk.

"So, no Genitals?" James asked again, looking underneath the beds in the dorm, as if Francesca Palooni was hiding under them, and ready to jump out.

Remus, still thinking James was going on about his perverted ways, said very quickly, "PRONGS! I've had enough of all this sex, private body parts, and virginity talk!"

"No need to be shy about this topic, Moony. If you need to, we can have a man-to-man talk about this. It'll let you be more accepting. Anyways, it's all a very natural part of our lives as men. We're supposed to learn how to breed and fornicate as much as possible, and if it means playing with—"

"NO, NO, NO!"

"Fine," James grumbled, looking put down. "Well, if you happen to find a bloke named Francesca Palooni or Bembles running around stark naked, please inform me downstairs. Anyways, hope you have a nice time with your--"

"Prongs." Remus gave a very meaningful look at James who promptly shut up with a smirk.

"Have fun!" James said and quickly ran out in fear of being shouted at or worse, being pelted with Remus's belt, which oddly enough, had quite a few spiky things that made Sirius and James chortle with gales of laughter…that is, until they were at the receiving end of it, hit repeatedly by a furious-looking Remus.

Remus took out the letter and quickly scribbled something on the back.

"James,

I will say this ONE TIME ONLY. Befriend the girl, you stupid troll. Perhaps she'll see the inner beauty in you, if you have any, that is. Then, maybe, if things have progressed, you can reach for farther things, such as a relationship. For now, do not count on it.

I must say Mr. Sirius Black is looking to be quite a better correspondent than you. Kindly refrain from ever owling me again for your simple, dim-witted problems, unless Miss Lily has shown a clear change in heart with you.

Your very pissed-off former pen-pal until a later date,

Francesca Palooni."

"That ought to get him off my back for a few days," Remus said grimly, knowing fully well that James would attempt another letter soon, even after this bashing. Shaking his head, he sneaked Genitals off the small window in the boys' dorm, hoping this time, for a good few minutes of well-earned rest.

He would be disappointed. Flocks of owls began to enter through the just-mentioned small, shabby window, nearly knocking Genitals out of his hands.

Hoots and screeches surrounded him, so much that Remus applied Silencing spells on all of them to keep them quiet. After letting Genitals off, Remus took the scrolls from the owls and set them free as well.

They were all from the same person. One Sirius Black.

"BLIMEY!" Remus gave a shout of irritancy as he opened up the four letters now sitting on his bed.

"Frannie,

I've lost my pet bunny, Gingermelon! Actually, it's a stuffed animal, but I would say it's a pet, wouldn't you? I think he DIED. SNUFFED IT. If you could, please, oh please, organize and send out a mass search party to find my dearest beloved! I am currently sobbing my heart out and counting the days till dear Gingermelon and I reunite once more.

Yours forever and ever until death do us apart,

A very distressed but hott-buttocked Siri."

Remus's eyes bulged at this disturbing letter. Turning it on the back, he wrote down (after quickly checking himself), "Check under your pillow. Kindly clean off the drool on your pillow as well."

The second letter:

"BEMBLES!

I need a snog-tester. Mind if you helped me find one? If not, could you just do it for me? Thanks, I love you bunches and more!

I want to have your babies. Except I'm male…and I'm pretty sure you have a Y chromosome, so, that'd prove to be a bit difficult, wouldn't it? But, I'm sure we can figure something out if we put our hearts into it.

With great love and adoration,

(heart) Siri."

Remus's eyes bulged even further when he read this particular letter. Remus was very worried about Sirius now. Perhaps he…was in fact, gay?

Shaking his head wildly, Remus quickly wrote three big 'NO's on the back of the letters, not even bothering to read the last two. 'I', Remus thought grimly, 'do not need any more mind-disturbing and very nasty images or thoughts.'

With a great heave, he used a Conjured up owl to deliver the letters back, and thinking hopefully that maybe, just maybe, he would get at least twenty-six more seconds of rest before being, undoubtedly, interrupted by more advice-seeking mail.

Author's Note:

Ah, poor Remus. What will he ever do?

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