Saturday night
Maura tipped out an OxyContin pill for Jane, who nodded thankfully, swallowing it easily. "Can we watch the game tonight?" Jane asked, pointing at the tv they hadn't turned on either of the nights before. "I'd love a beer but we haven't been stood down yet."
"You probably shouldn't have taken that," Maura commented. "If you're on duty."
"We got enough cops here to take down an army," Jane pointed out, the Feds having arrived in force that afternoon. "I'll let Korsak know."
"What do you want for dinner?"
"Anything I don't have to eat with a fork," Jane said. "Pizza, chips, a burger. I'll grab something from the hotel kitchen when I go check in with Korsak. I told him I'd need painkillers, so he knows I'm emergency only."
"He's good to you," Maura said. "Is there a reason he's not your partner anymore? You make a good team."
"He's the one who found me like... that," Jane said, looking away. "He had to leave me pinned there until the ambulance came, tucked under his overcoat. I begged," Jane's voice cracked. "I begged him to pull them out, but he wouldn't."
"And you feel betrayed?" Maura asked, still trying to pin down Jane's reaction to this memory.
"No, ashamed. He saw me like that. He can't trust me if he sees me as someone that weak, someone he needs to protect. He did the right thing, medically, but it was agony. It felt like hours before the EMT came."
"I saw some of his other victims," Maura said. "I know what happened to them. Do you think I think you're weak, someone that needs protecting?"
Jane licked her lips, took a sip of water.
"A little," she admitted. "But you don't... You don't pity me. You don't treat me like something that would break. You were mean to me, when I got back, and that was such a relief. I saw the autopsies you recorded with me there. You held back when I was in the room, but you never mentioned it or held it against me. Hell, even when Frost pukes in the morgue you just tell him to get to the sink. You don't treat him as weak either. You say you don't understand people, but you treat them..." Jane trailed off and shrugged. "You treat them with as much dignity and respect as the bodies that come across your tables." Maura looked surprised. "I'll go find Korsak. You should make friends with that dog too, so it doesn't sniff you that aggressively every time we need an escort through the media."
"Chicken," Maura said, and Jane's eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "If we're having burgers, see if they'll do a chicken one for me."
"If you want to go out with your team, I'll be fine up here alone with a burger and the game," Jane said, getting to her feet.
"They don't exactly... Invite me," Maura said slowly.
"Well, Frost and Korsak wouldn't mind if you ate with them," Jane said. "I'm not going to be good company," Jane admitted.
"I'd rather not," Maura said, and Jane looked over, Maura's arms crossed, hands holding her elbows. "I'd rather stay in tonight. The weather." Jane nodded. It had been another rough day.
"Dinner for two. I'll see if they'll deliver," she said, grappling with the door handle.
"Perhaps I'd better come with you," Maura said, looking concerned. "There may be more doors."
"You're more than a door opener to me," Jane grinned. "Are you sure? It's been a long day."
Maura just nodded, not telling Jane that being without her would only make the day feel longer. She opened the door.
Kujo was polite, even shaking Jane and Maura's hands. Korsak rubbed his beard.
"I never knew. Storms huh? I'll remember." Jane stuck her hands behind her back, knowing they were curled up again. "You keeping an eye on her?"
"She doesn't do well on opiates," Maura said, nodding. "I'll ensure she's fed and rested prior to starting tomorrow."
"Make sure you take care of yourself too, Doc. You might be able to get out of here tomorrow."
Maura nodded, smiling as though that was good news. But the case was far from closed, and how many opportunities would she have to have Jane to herself like this, sequestered away in a hotel room, working together, living together? The case itself had struck harder to home than usual, but despite that she knew she'd look back at this time in country Massachusetts fondly because it had forged a connection with Jane.
The hotel bar was mostly filled with BPD staff. Frost was still with the kids; Jane would have gone to spell him but the storm made it impossible. Susie was down there too, the kids finding her non-threatening.
"Are you joining us for dinner, Doctor Isles?" Todd asked, and Maura shook her head.
"I have a prior engagement," she said formally, clearly protecting Jane from scrutiny. Todd looked between them for a moment, then shrugged. Maura had noticed that people were friendlier to her when Jane was by her side, as though by association she was more tolerable, and the thought hurt a little. She smiled at Todd. "But thank you for asking," she added quickly. She looked over at Jane, who was watching the pre-game on the tv, swaying slightly, and Maura hesitated before slipping her arm around Jane's waits to steady her. Everyone already knew they were sharing a room, but Maura felt eyes on her as she guided Jane out of the hotel restaurant. No one else knew Jane had taken narcotics, that she was slightly unsteady. She knew how it would look, but she knew Jane would prefer people to think that she and Maura were having relations than for anyone to think Jane needed painkillers. Maura understood; it was why she wore makeup. A shield against the rest of the world.
Maura opened the door, and put the two bags of food on her bed. "Are you going to be able to eat on your own?" Maura asked. Jane shrugged.
"I'm going to shower. I can still smell decomp, and it's not helping my appetite any."
"I'll go after you," Maura called, noticing that Jane hadn't closed the door. She bit her lip to stop herself from offering to help Jane with the shower.
"Uh... A little help?" Jane asked, and Maura walked into the bathroom, one hand over her eyes. "The taps, Mau," Jane said, chuckling, still fully dressed. "Although... The belt." Maura undid Jane's belt and left it in the loops, taking the gun to lock in the safe overnight. She came back in, turned the taps and checked the water temperature.
"Is that ok?" Maura asked and Jane pulled her blouse off, dipped her elbow under the water. Jane nodded. Maura looked over and undid the button on Jane's pants as well. "I'll leave the door cracked. Call if you need anything." Jane nodded again, and Maura saw her eyes were unfocused, that she was swaying again, her hands tugging ineffectively at her shirt. She hesitated at the door. "You know what, I need a shower as well." She unzipped her dress, pulling it over her head. She helped Jane out of the shirt she wore under her blouse, and helped her step out of her slacks. She hesitated again, but decided they were undressed enough, given the circumstances. It would be taking advantage, to strip Jane any further in her state.
"You don't mind, do you?" Maura asked, and Jane shook her muddled head, her hands limp at her side, letting Maura help her into the shower. Maura washed Jane first, thinking about the difference between washing a cold, compliant dead body and the warm, compliant Jane. Jane's hair was thick and unruly, but Maura managed to rub through some shampoo, followed by some conditioner. She washed Jane's face gently, letting her fingers finally trace the bone structure she'd admired for so long, the zygomatic arch that was so obvious when she smiled. Jane's eyes closed as Maura guided her under the spray to rinse. Jane's eyes opened, and she stared at Maura, who found herself glad she'd left what little she had still on. She looked down at her own body when Jane didn't look away, saw that her fancy underwear wasn't covering much now that it was wet, and that neither was Jane's more practical underwear, and looked back at Jane, who finally dragged her eyes away from Maura's chest with some difficulty, eyes wide, pupils blown - possibly from the narcotics, a flush on her cheeks that could be from the warm water. But the look in Jane's eyes was easier to read - it was pure admiration.
"You're gorgeous," Jane breathed. "I mean, I already thought so. But -" Jane looked down again and Maura felt strangely vulnerable. She was used to being admired, but Jane's gaze was so thorough, as though she was cataloguing Maura's body like a crime scene. "Sorry," Jane said, finally looking up again. "You're trying to help me and I'm objectifying you. But... Uhm. You're... I..."
"You're under the influence of medication," Maura said gently, not mentioning that she'd also taken the opportunity to check Jane out. Her abdominals and obliques were spectacular.
"If I wasn't, if I had the use of my hands..." Jane trailed off, lifted one hand to tilt Maura's face back up to look at her. "I'd get you so clean," she promised. Maura chuckled, shifting her chin out of Jane's hand and grabbing the soap, ignoring Jane's gaze, now focused on Maura's mouth.
Without looking back up at Jane's face she foamed some soap while the conditioner sat and started at Jane's shoulders, hitting her pits and back, skirting the areas still covered by soaked cloth, translucent under the water. Jane's eyes drifted closed as Maura's fingers slid through her hair again, rinsing out the conditioner, and Maura guided Jane down to sit on the edge of the tub, wrapping a towel around her, reaching underneath to undo the bra and remove it, sliding down the underwear carefully.
"I'll just be a minute," Maura said, hesitating again. She stepped back into the tub, draping Jane's undergarments over the curtain rail, slipping her own off to join Jane's before having a quick shower, reaching over Jane when she was done to get a dry towel from the rack "Okay?" Maura asked, wrapped in her towel and squatting in front of Jane, helping her to her feet. She looked over at the folded flannelette pajamas on the counter, then pulled a robe over Jane instead, tying it and sliding the wet towel off from underneath, preserving Jane's modesty. "Hair dryer? She asked, but Jane shook her head so Maura led Jane into the bedroom, sat her on the bed and rubbed her hair with a towel.
"You know, I wouldn't let anyone else do that," Jane mumbled, eyes half-closed as Maura's fingers dug at her scalp again. Maura turned on the tv, checking the channels until she found the game Jane had asked for.
"I know," Maura said, taking her pajamas into the bathroom.
Jane let Maura feed her chips and hold the burger as she bit from it, Maura sneaking a bite now and then, pulling out the second meal and offering Jane bites from that too, aware that sharing a burger came with bacterial risks, aware that Jane's mouth had been on the food before hers. She wiped Jane's face when they were done, Jane smothering a yawn as Maura dabbed at her lips.
"I'm so glad you're here," Jane said. "I'm so glad that we have a legitimate reason to share a room. And thank you for helping me." Jane slid closer to Maura, let her head rest on Maura's shoulder. Maura remembered last week, when she'd wondered who else Jane was this comfortable with, if Jane had been coming on to her. She still wasn't sure, but she wasn't uncomfortable at all this week. She knew Jane better now, knew she was honest about her feelings, knew that this gentle cuddling was based on affection. That Jane respected her as a colleague and as a person. That there was no malicious intent behind this, that Jane wasn't making fun of her. Her fears last night had been entirely assuaged by Jane's sleepy smile that morning. They would come back in force, bringing friends as well, but right now Maura was certain that Jane was genuine. Even so, Maura had never known what to do with affection. Giving or receiving it, but Jane didn't seem to mind.
Jane made Maura feel like she'd been pedaling uphill her whole life and now she'd reached the summit she finally had a view of where she was supposed to go, coasting all the way. She'd seen Jane with Frost and Korsak, seen her with Frankie and Angela. Jane had grown up being constantly annoyed by the affection she received, not seeing it as the gift it was, and as an adult she dished out affection as though it was an endless supply of watercups at a marathon. The casual slaps she delivered to Frankie and Frost, the fistbumps with Korsak, the much softer jostle she'd give Susie's shoulder when she was pleased with her. But there was something special about the way Jane was affectionate with Maura, something Maura couldn't define.
Maura could see this as a recurring event. Something they did together. She'd heard Jane defending her earlier that day to the media, and she felt a rush of affection. Oxytocin. She slid her arm around Jane and pulled her close, leaning back against the wall behind the bed. Jane grumbled because she couldn't see the tv for a moment, but she settled back soon enough, curving in against Maura. Maura pulled some ibuprofen and Tylenol from the bedside table and encouraged Jane to take them during a commercial break. One of Jane's hands rested on Maura's lap, her fingers running against the silk, and Maura shifted so Jane's hand headed closer to her knee than her hip. Jane's hand moved up instead to Maura's ribs, tracing them over the fabric. Maura felt her breath hitch, but Jane didn't seem to notice.
"Grace thought I was your wife," Jane mumbled. "She said hers is just like you."
"You do share similarities with Lieutenant Keanally as well," Maura mused.
"I told her I'd be lucky if you were, and I stand by that."
"Lucky?" Maura asked. "Really?"
"Mmm," Jane mumbled, "I'd be lucky to have a wife even half as smart and pretty as you," Jane said, tucking her face into Maura's neck. "You smell real good too. What's the score?"
"15-32." She looked down at Jane, pulling her robe closed, wondering if she should try to put her in the pajamas after all. "What do you even like about me?" Maura asked, because Jane was soft and wafty and compliant, and Maura didn't see much about herself that a normal person would like. That infantile rejection probably played a part, but Maura had observed popular people and she shared no traits with any of them.
"You're soft," Jane said, fingers playing with one of Maura's buttons. "And nice. And pretty. And you smell good. And you feed me better than Frankie does. He's all stabby with the chips. Doesn't let me bite them. And you're really smart. Like, Einstein smart."
"You've only known me a month," Maura pointed out. "What if I'm secretly terrible?"
"You couldn't be. I saw you with those kids. Someone terrible couldn't be like that with those kids."
"I haven't had a lot of friends," Maura said. "So I don't know if any of this is normal. Sharing a bed, showering together. Talking about dating."
"Normal is overrated. Everything feels nice and soft now," Jane said. "After a day like that, I can use soft."
"Storm will hit overnight," Maura said, worried.
"You promised Korsak you'd keep me safe," Jane pouted, snuggling further into Maura.
"Is this what we do now?" Maura asked. "We cuddle up after work?"
"Sounds good to me," Jane said, yawning. "You're comfortable. Do you mind? You're doing all the work."
"I'm really not," Maura sighed, finger combing Jane's still-drying hair. "You held off the reporters for me."
"Oh yeah. They were rude," Jane said.
"And you stayed with me for the autopsies."
"Mmm, they weren't so bad."
"And..." Maura didn't know how to say the last part. All the work Jane was doing on healing from being kidnapped by a serial killer, all the honesty she'd given Maura. All the vulnerability that led Maura to trust Jane. "And you're nice to me," she said softly.
"That's not work," Jane scoffed.
"It's too hard for most people," Maura said quietly.
"I'm not most people. You met my Ma, you're never getting rid of me now. She'll plague me until one of us dies if we stop hanging out. And why," Jane ran her hand down Maura's ribs, "would I want to stop doing this?"
"It's a bit... Intimate," Maura said. "Isn't it?" Maura asked.
"I don't know. I haven't had a lot of female friends. But I didn't spend a lot of time curled up in bed with them. Then again, I didn't used to take OxyContin either."
"I don't mind," Maura said quickly. "I just can't interpret it."
"Can you interpret this?" Jane asked. She lifted her head and nuzzled against Maura's ear, her mouth soft on Maura's throat.
"Not really," Maura said, looking confused. She sighed. "Everyone who's dated me has either been after my body or my money, and I can't tell what you're after."
"I'm not 'after' anything. I'm just enjoying you." Jane sighed, letting her hand drop to Maura's hip, curling around the bone. "I don't care about money. But I like that it lets you dress the way you do. That flimsy little bra... and I like your body. I like how it feels against mine. I like how it looks in whatever you're wearing. But I'm not here because I want something from you," Jane said. She paused, confused. "Maybe I am. You fed me and showered me, and that benefited me, not you. I don't know. I don't normally date women. Maybe I would if they were more like you."
"I have to admit, I do find you very attractive. As a person, as well as..."
"Is that why you go jogging in my neighbourhood?" Jane asked jokingly.
"It's not the only reason," Maura hedged.
"Well I'm not into you for your money," Jane said. "I get by on my own."
"So you admit you're after my body," Maura teased, and a moment later Jane's hand stilled on Maura's stomach.
"Not if you don't want me to be," Jane grumbled, and started trying to move away from Maura, who pulled her back in close.
"I don't mind... what you're doing. I just don't know what we're doing. If we're friends, or if we're something else."
"I like you," Jane said. "I like your nerdy long explanations about everything you know about everything. I like the way you treat people. You have a sweet heart. I'm not doing any of this to get into your pants. If that ends up happening, I'll be terrified and thrilled, but that's not why I agreed to share a room with you. It's because spending time with you is the best use of my time."
"We're going in circles, aren't we?" Maura sighed. "I like you too, Jane. And I don't... I don't like a lot of people. I tolerate a lot of people. And people tend to tolerate me. I'm not used to... You're something entirely new to me, and I have no previous data in order to interpret any of your behaviour."
"Would it help if I said I don't know either?" Jane asked softly.
"A little," Maura admitted.
"Whenever I see you, part of my brain goes 'oh'," Jane said. "I don't know. Like 'this makes sense' maybe? Maybe... maybe like a base."
"A base?"
"Yeah." Jane pointed at the screen. "The only place you're safe in baseball is on a base, and home. I feel safe at home, and at the station, but they're places and I can't take them with me."
"So I'm a portable base?" Maura asked, thinking about barracks and medical aid centres, situations where bases had to be established yet portable. Usually disasters and warzones. "You're saying I make you feel safe?" Maura asked, her voice incredibly soft. Jane looked away from the tv then, saw the tears sparkling in those hazel eyes. She nodded, watching Maura's face crumple.
"Oh, no," Jane said, forgetting about the game, pulling Maura into her arms. "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean you're baseball," Jane said. "I'm bad at metaphors."
"It's not that," Maura said, aware of how easy it was to be comforted by Jane. Anyone else and she'd have pulled away with a sharp word, but Jane's hands were soft and sure on Maura's back and arm, and Jane was making soft shushing noises into her hair, rocking her a little, as though she was a child. Maura had seen Jane do the exact same thing for Skyler a few hours ago when she'd had blood taken - Jane had bundled the little girl into her arms, had soothed her crying with gentle words. And now Maura was being soothed by those strong arms, those soft hands, lips pressing against Maura's temple. "You said -" Maura struggled. "You said you felt safe."
"I do, when I'm with you. I know you've seen the worst of me, you've seen what he did to me, but you don't seem to mind how damaged I am, and you never make me ask for help, make me feel like I'm annoying you. You don't treat me like I'm broken, but you give me room to break. I don't sleep anywhere near as good as when you're with me, because I'm safe when you are." Maura started crying harder, and Jane's arms only got tighter. "You're safe," Jane murmured. "I'm safe."
"I trust you," Maura said between sobs. "You're exactly who you say you are."
"I wouldn't know who else to be," Jane chuckled, wiping at her own face ineffectively, and only then did Maura realise Jane was crying too. Maura pulled back, looking at her in the TV's flickering glow, her wet cheeks and wide eyes, her soft mouth. She leaned in, wiping Jane's cheeks with her thumbs, then hesitated, looking down at those lips, remembering Jane was under the influence of narcotics. She took Jane's hand instead, where it had been attempting to clear Maura's cheeks of tears, and she placed a small but tender kiss to the scar on Jane's palm, watching Jane's eyes flutter closed at the contact. She wanted to say something, anything, but she couldn't find the words to explain what Jane meant to her. Instead she turned Jane's hand over and kissed the scar on the back of her hand.
"Kintsugi," Maura said finally, letting her head rest on Jane's shoulder, still cradling Jane's hand as the rain started outside again.
"You what?" Jane asked, unsure if she should be offended.
"It's the Japanese practice of mending cracked pottery with gold," Maura explained.
"I need a bit more than that, Encyclopedia Brown," Jane said, her voice soft enough that Maura didn't take it for an insult. "C'mon, educate me." Jane's shoulder jostled Maura playfully.
"The practice can be seen as a metaphor. 'More beautiful for having been broken'," Maura said softly. "Your hands are gorgeous - the length of the fingers, the definition of the knuckles, the sturdy tendons. But my hands like landmarks, and I know you like the back of your hand."
"I'm not following."
"You're not broken, Jane. Your tissues are mending still, and you aren't the same as you were before. You're changed, but you're not broken. Time will repair your tendons where they're stitched together, and physical therapy will restore your muscle definition. You're not in a state of being broken. You're in a state of becoming."
"That's how you see me?" Jane asked, sounding impressed.
"I know what a dangerous adversary he was. I know you survived. You might see these and think you're weak, but all I think when I see them is how strong you are."
"They hurt. Now. A lot of the time. And when they do, it's like I'm back there. And when you touch them... It's like it doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. When you touch me, I'm untouchable. Invincible."
"Your hands are always going to hurt. Not all the time, but when it's cold, when it rains. I can't lie to you. I wish I could, at least about that."
"So when it rains?"
"I know where you live," Maura said lightly.
"I'll get you a key made," Jane murmured, leaning back in to Maura. "I don't know what we are, but I love being with you."
Maura's breath caught.
"I love being with you too," Maura said, tucking Jane under the covers, watching as Jane's hands reached for Maura even as she fell asleep. So vulnerable, so exposed. Maura threw away the takeaway bags and washed her hands, staring at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. She knew she'd been blessed, genetically, but she'd never seen what she looked like with such a genuine smile on her face, put there courtesy of Jane. She'd never seen herself as someone who had the spare key to someone's house, someone who could pop by just because it was raining and be received with warmth. She'd never seen herself like this - like someone who could be loved. Like someone somebody loved to be with.
Jane was mostly asleep when Maura tucked herself in next to her, the pretense of sleeping separately done away with. Jane made a happy, wuffling noise and pulled herself flush against Maura. Maura remembered how Jane had looked at her in wonder in the shower, how reverent her gaze had been. Jane might not be after Maura to use her body, the way some people had, but she certainly admired it. Maura wasn't sure she had any answers to the questions she'd tried to ask, but at least now she knew that she, Doctor Maura Isles, renowned geek and antisocial misfit, had someone who saw her as somewhere they could be safe, in a world where she saw so much danger. The doubts would creep in again, but for now Jane's warm glow excluded everything outside of the bed. No matter what tomorrow held, no matter what the world threw at them, this was what Maura would carry with her. The feeling of being safe, of being trusted, of being welcome and wanted. Of being home.
Notes:
Space They Cannot Touch by Kate Miller-Heidke is something I sing to my bird, because my favourite place is her and me. It also pairs nicely with the sentiment of the chapter.
watch?v=x0Q4zM-qh6o