On Your Own
Logan padded across the floor without sound. Kurt's words still rung inside his head and he smiled inwardly. To so many people Logan was a simple creature. One that thought only of the way that would cause himself the least pain, uncaring of the consequences to others. But to the people who really knew him, or perhaps just to Logan himself, there were unseen forces which worked against Logan. The primal instinctual drive that Logan fought so hard to overcome. There wasn't much room for thoughts on other things.
It wasn't the animal inside of Logan that caused him pain, the fear to get close to others, the man that was Logan, the memories, the conscience, that was what hurt. It hurt so horribly sometimes that it drove him to the nearest bar.
Friends…
Oh yeah, Logan had those too. He usually dragged Kurt along to the bar these days. He seemed to have more "friends" then happy memories, though he wasn't quite sure how that had happened. But, if it weren't for them, this whole humanity thing, with its confines, and its feelings and its pain… it wouldn't have seemed so desirable. He might have given up on it a long time ago.
So… Logan could understand the pain that Callie must have felt. The want to loose herself in the rage and to pull away from humanity that only seemed so cold.
She had no friends…
That should change.
He found her in the arboretum. She was seated on a cement rail. Her bear feet covered in dirt from the life around her. Her toes touching, her heals up. Her head in her hands.
He looked down at her. On the surface she looked calm, but Logan knew better.
Her heart was pounding.
He sat down near her on the same cement rail. His feet barely touched the ground. She was taller then he was, but he looked at her, and she seemed so small.
"Chin up little one." He stated with no comfort behind his words.
Her breathing paused. She had known that he was there, but she still jumped at the sound of his voice. He had actually acknowledged her. She had been sitting there wishing herself and the pain she felt away. Hours and hours of thinking herself invisible, she had almost thought she had made it. But Logan had seen her. She wasn't going away…
And neither was the pain…
"I'm not used to this…" she started. "Feeling what I don't want to feel." She lifted her head from her hands and looked straight ahead, focusing on a spot on the wall. An innocent little spot that wouldn't hold any judgment over her. Logan said nothing.
"I'm… I was a horrible person who did horrible things. I want to say that I didn't want to do them, or that given the chance I would've changed…" Callie griped her knees, her toes digging into the earth. "But I can't… I enjoyed everything… or I didn't feel anything at all." The spot on the wall started to blur as Callie's eyes shrink-wrapped with tears. "That was life…" She whispered. "It was all a game. Wasn't it?"
Tears dripped down to her knees. Callie wiped her face like she was annoyed at the sensation.
"And now this pain… it won't go away. I can't live my life the way I was… that'll make the feeling worse won't it? What will make it go away?" The tears kept flowing. Callie started rubbing the water off her legs.
"It has to go away. It has to. Tell me I can stop it or I should have just died. You should have let me die right? But that wouldn't have been fair to the others. All their pain, their memories, things I made them relive, made them see again and again, just so I could be selfish and play games. I can see all their memories in my head. Play it over and over and over again." Callie started scratching at he legs. She was talking to herself.
"If you eat the pain it does away, it dies like the bunny. If you ignore the pain it dies like the garden, like the earth itself." Blood from her thigh spilled to the floor. Callie kept scratching.
"Pain is something you use, use it up, it goes away…" She looked down at her legs and the damage she was causing them. "Go away!" She yelled at the pain. Strong arms grasped both of Callie's and held them up. Callie abruptly looked up. Logan's eyes looked so old.
"Pain can't be ignored." He said softly and slowly. "It can be bottled up until one day it explodes, hurting all of the people you've come to care about."
Black curls floated in front of Callie's eyes.
"Pain can't be eaten, it'll just show up in other parts of your life. Pain can transform, you ignore it, it turns into anger. Anger just flames the fire." Callie's arms relaxed. She focused on Logan's eyes. They had the same eyes. Callie had never met anyone with her eyes.
"Pain doesn't just go away. Talk about it. Rise above it. Don't do things that make you feel sick inside, even if everyone else is against you."
Callie lowered her head and peered through her bangs at Logan. "What do I do now?" she asked quietly.
Logan's face tensed. "Figure that out for yourself."
Callie wore an expression of surprise, then hurt.
"You said you can't live your life the way you had been. Then don't, move on." Logan broke eye contact with Callie.
"What…" Callie teased. "Be an X-Man? Stay here and get a crazy nickname?" She gave Logan a small smile.
"Figure it out on your own." Logan leaned back on his heals.
Callie looked at her hands, they were still bloody. Callie looked down at her legs, they still hurt. "I'm not very good when left to my own devices…" She half smiled again.
"How would you know? You've never been given a chance." Logan's face was half in shadow. The morning sunrise was taking care of that though. Callie sought the comfort of his eyes once more. They were closed.
Callie looked down and folded her hands together. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as well.
"Before… in the lab. I wanted the world to stop. I wanted to just lay down and… and die. But you saved me. So much could've happened to you… and after all that I had already done… I want… I want to be like you." Callie squeezed her eyes tighter together. "I want to save people…"
"The feelings you get from that memory, from any memory where you're saving someone… THAT feeling… it's amazing… I don't' know what to call it… but I want to feel it on my own!" Callie started to smile a real beautiful smile, the first one she'd ever made. "My only feelings so far have been sadness and fear and doubt… but this emotion, I don't want to get it from someone else… I don't' want to steal it… I want to create it myself! But… I…" Callie cringed.
"Hm?" Logan let her know he was there for her, listening.
"If I used my powers again… if it was needed were I to stay here. Help here… I might… I might loose myself again! Be selfish and only want to feel good. I light loose what I gained last night and I couldn't do that ever again. I would rather die then loose control of my powers again. I won't hurt another person like I did… her." Callie sobbed a breath in. Her breath was getting rapid and shallow. Her pulse was still pounding.
Logan brushed the black from her eyes.
"Tell me if you want… I'm right here."
Callie opened her eyes. Her breath calmed.
"Mm-my powers… I c-can look into memories, strong ones that p-people carry with them. The ones that they keep al-alive in their minds because of the profound effect they had on that person. It only works for strong memories… or r-recent ones. I usually go for strong memories, ya know? The ones that were the worst for people… Chic… uh Leila, she… her strongest fear… when I had looked before, back at her house, in the mansion… I had seen a memory from the protestors outside… she had her father to protect her but she was still afraid. It was enough to pacify her then… but in the lab… when I looked in her… I had expected to get the same memory ya know? The same worst fear… but, ah-I… I didn't! I got something completely different… she was a hundred times more afraid of this one… she saw a monster… one that from now on in her nightmares she'll see it… she'll see me! I am that little girl's biggest fear! I'm the monster… I put a gun to her head and I…" Callie's tears were a steady stream. "I want…" She closed her eyes again. "I want to be like you… but I need help. I need help." Callie opened her eyes and wore an expression of realization.
Logan took a deep breath. "As long as its what YOU want Callie. And as long as you realize that the feelings I get from what I do may be different from the ones you feel… even if we do the same thing. That's just life."
Callie nodded. "I want to try…"
Logan smiled.
"So…" Callie shyly smiled back. "I should get to work on a crazy nickname then?"
Logan laughed. "Uh, maybe you should leave some time for that I think…"
"Oh…" Callie looked down.
Logan raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead… tell me."
Callie smiled. "Well… Call me Emo."
"Emo?" Logan chuckled. "Sure thing darlin'."
Emo lowered her head. The morning birds had stopped chirping. The whole world was silent. "Logan… Can I… can I ask for your help on one more thing?"
"Hm?"
"Will you help me say… will you help me make it up to the people here… for the way I acted?"
Logan rocked back further on his heels and stood up. "Yeah well…" he held out his hand for Emo to grasp. "We'll work on that for the both of us won't we?"
Emo looked at Logan's outstretched hand. She smiled.
"Yeah." She took Logan's hand and stood up to face the rest of her life.