Goodbye
No matter what I could have thought, I know that in the end it was all worth it. The cliched wasted days that I spent before I had this so-called "adventure" were just . . . lies. She was beautiful, no denying that. She had me in her sights, and we all know how good she is at this. No denying that either, I guess. I'm old, I'm tired . . . I miss her too much.
The window is open. Cold as it is outside, I need an escape from the warmth of the room. Many years have gone and many hours have been spent just looking out at the world like this. I'm old, I'm tired . . . she's been gone far too long to be coming back. They tell me the same thing everyday, but I'm not giving up hope.
Missing her is so damn easy. It's easier than dealing with that numb ache that I get every time I try to ignore her. My son, his girl, our friends, my family . . . what does it mean without her? I wish I knew. Dammit, I wish I knew a lot of things.
"You done yet, Carth?"
I know it's her before I can turn around. That girl knows too much about me. She's just like her . . . close friends adopt too much of each other. I face her quickly, before she starts to get testy.
"I'll be out in a few minutes, Mission."
The Twi'lek just shakes her head and leaves. She's been around a lot lately. The kid's always around lately, actually. Just another damn reminder, I guess. Why must they all test me so much?
Other things should be on my mind. Hell, other things are on my mind . . . they just seem so devoid that I can't help but stray back to her. I'm old, I'm tired, and now I'm preoccupied on top of that. When will the indignities end? I can't mope all day, I guess.
The door slides shut behind me, my feet carrying me further and further away from the solace of my quarters. Mission's waiting with the rest of them, and I know what they all want. Too bad I'm needed elsewhere. Too bad I'm needed here and needed by my own thoughts and self-loathing. They would never buy it though. They never did buy my tired old man act. Bastards.
I laugh nervously. I do that well, I think. Mission clicks her tongue and taps her foot, obviously waiting for me to say something along the lines of a greeting. I never wanted to see them again. I thought I got that across fairly well that last time they all came by here. She said she wanted to be alone. She had to do it alone. I couldn't betray her by searching for her. She'd come back to us . . . she'd come back to me on her own. Wouldn't she?
"I told you this was a waste of time," the Mandalorian says gruffly, glaring at Mission.
I look down at the carpet. It's still the same as it's always been, but somehow . . . I can see memories within the small fibers. Her feet had padded across this carpet in the night, slipping to where they all stood now, which was empty then. She moved as quietly as possible, but I still heard her. She came back just that once, and it was hard for her to leave. Her eyes were filled with tears . . . it was hard for her, I took heart in that. Dammit, it was harder for me. They didn't know that I had seen her since she left openly. They didn't know that I had to go through that pain of losing her all over again . . . I couldn't tell them.
I can hear Juhani over the din of my mind. "This isn't right. He should be left alone."
"He's only moping here," Mission says. "He should do something about it. Do you honestly think that she's coming back on her own, Carth?"
I look at her pitifully, not able to look stern right now. "You don't understand, Mission. It's all I can think. She wouldn't have lied to me about . . . She's coming back, okay? Let's leave it at that."
"I know you think that you're the smartest in this subject," Jolee begins enigmatically, "but you should know that we can help you. She's a woman, isn't she?"
I stare at him, "Yeah. What do you mean by that?"
Jolee laughs. "Well, all woman really want is to be chased after. I know that, you know that, hell . . . even the Wookie knows that."
Zaalbar growls and I try not to stammer my words. "She told me not to come for her."
"Did she really?" Mission asks me with incredulity.
I sigh. "It doesn't matter what she said. I know her . . . she left me here for a reason. She left us all behind for a purpose, Mission. It just seems wrong to go after her."
"Don't worry about making her mad, Carth," Mission tells me understandingly. "It's been two years . . . I know she still misses you. She'd be happy to see you again, I swear."
"What if she isn't?" I find myself saying quietly. "What if she isn't . . . what then?"
Juhani gives Jolee a knowing look. I sigh loudly and stand up straight, forcing that sternness out of myself. They all look at me with mild expectancy.
"You can go, I'm not. If you find her, tell her I miss her. If you find her and she asks why I'm not there . . . just tell her that she should know. I just . . ." my hands start to shake, "I just can't go."
"But, Carth . . . she would want you there ---"
"Dammit, Mission, I'm needed here!"
The room goes completely silent. I feel stupid once again. The temper I have has been so subdued lately that I know my outburst was worse than it should have been. The kid is looking at me strongly, but her eyes reflect some understanding. She knows me almost as well as . . . no. No one could know me that well. My hands are balled into fists as I look down at the ground again. I hear Canderous snort.
"Let the commander be, kid. He's obviously too fraught with responsibility to be of any use to us anyway." I bristle at the tone of his voice, dripping with sarcasm and childish antagonism all at once. "Let's get out of here before he forces us out."
Juhani sends him a cautionary glance as I look up to glower at him. He's wearing a smug sneer, his eyes fastened to mine with a fiery sort of power. He knows how to get to me. He should, at least . . . it isn't very hard.
"It's not going to work," I say softly. "I was told to stay here, I was told that everything would work out in the end. So much is happening here, at home . . . she wouldn't want me to leave now, I know it. You guys can run off into the night . . . take my damn ship for all I care. Just let me do my job in peace."
Juhani looks shocked by this. "With the little insight that I have in your life, Carth, even I can see that there is no peace within you. This would be good for you, whether you think so or not. We are not here to antagonize you, or to prod you into reluctant agreement . . . we are here as friends."
I feel so bitter at her words. "This would be good for you . . ." She had told me this as well. This would never be good for me, none of it. It wasn't good for me when she left me here, it wasn't good for me when she cried as I held her, trying to keep her from leaving . . . and it wouldn't be good for me to seek her out again. I loved her too much. I loved her more than I wanted to admit.
Mission gives me one of the saddest looks she can muster. I can't feel it exactly, not like I know that i>she /i> always could, but for some reason . . . I know she's disappointed in me. Her stare says otherwise, as if she's trying to reassure me at the same time, but I can tell. Ever since this all happened, Mission's been like a daughter to me, even if I hate her some times. The sad part is that . . . I'm nothing like a father to her.
"Just go, please."
Zaalbar and Canderous leave immediately, as if they were never that into the thought of convincing me anyway. Juhani looks at me cryptically, her yellow eyes seeing through my pained face in a way that worries me, even though I know she'd never say anything about what she found. The Cathar, through with her stare, turns and leaves, placing a hand on Mission's shoulder for a moment before she exits. Jolee shows no signs of leaving, and I'm not about to throw him out. Mission comes to me, her eyes narrowed slightly.
"She'd hate you for this, you know. Turning on your friends when all they want is to help you and to be helped. You're better than this."
I sigh, "I'm not, Mission."
She closes her eyes in sadness. "I'll tell her you said that."
"I'll bet you will," I say softly.
Without warning, the little Twi'lek has me in a bear hug. I put my arms around her awkwardly, never having to deal with this sort of fatherly hug thing before. Dustil was never one for comfort. She might be crying, but if so, she would never admit to it. After a minute, she emerges with slightly reddened eyes, wearing a half-smile.
"I'll miss you, Carth," she says squeakily. "I never knew my dad, but I know if I had one . . . I'd want him to be just like you."
"Thanks," I say quietly.
Her face turns slightly hard again, but playfully so. "Don't think that I'm still not mad at you, 'cause I am! I'm just . . . You'll be okay here by yourself?"
I nod without thinking. I don't know if I will be okay here alone, but I do know that I wouldn't be okay with them either. My stomach feels empty for some reason, and my head is starting to hurt. Mission smiles at me for a moment, then leaves my side without a word. The door slides shut behind her, leaving me alone with the old man.
"You mean a lot to them, you know," he says, looking at the floor. "You meant a lot to her as well."
"Mission's just in need of a father figure . . ." I say.
Jolee shakes his head. "That's not who I meant and you know it."
Neither of us speak for a moment. I shift my weight onto my other foot, crossing my arms and looking out the window silently. The tension in the air is starting to make me feel uneasy. I'm old again . . . I'm so tired. Finally, that raspy voice breaks the silence.
"Love's tricky, I know . . . but don't think for one minute that your girl is any different than any other woman. From my own experiences, it always seems that the strongest and most powerful of the female race tend to be the most fragile in love."
"Maybe . . ." I start to say, "maybe it doesn't have anything to do with love."
Jolee's eyes twinkle as he looks back up at me. "Oh, it has everything to do with love. It always does."
"If you want to think that, go right ahead---"
"I don't think, Carth. I know."
His feet clunk against the carpeted floor as he heads for the exit. With his back to me, I feel his final words pass over my mind, the weight he speaks in seeming to fill me and make me want to lay down and give up.
"She's more human than you will ever know. She loves you . . . Stop being scared of thinking that."
I've spent so many days hating myself. I've spent endless nights awake in hopes of seeing her small but powerful frame move across my room. I've wondered more than I could count about her, and about how she's been. My thoughts and my memories get lost in that stupid fog that's been my mind, and sometimes . . . I can't even pretend not to miss her.
"What do you think you'll do now?"
"Honestly?" Revan's lips form a crooked and pouty smile.
Her gesture is returned by my faithful nod. I look up at her in loving adoration, her small arms around me, hands laying on my bare chest. The moon from my ever-open window lights up her pale face and forms a halo on her dark hair.
"I want to stay with you for a little while longer. I want to be like this for a few more minutes, you know? I miss these things . . . I can't miss out on them for anything else yet."
"Yet?"
She gives me a look of utter sadness as she leans down to kiss me softly on the lips. I move my mouth against hers, but before I know it, her lips are gone. I look up at her in confusion.
"Life's like this, isn't it? All puzzles and heartache? If that's the case . . . I'll only be moving things along, won't I?"
I feel something heavy on my chest, but not physically. That emotion that left me when she came to my room before seemed to settle itself back quicker than I expected. Worry. Anxiety in a sense.
"You can't mean . . ."
"This would be good for you, I think. When I'm gone . . . you need time to make things right, and I have so many duties."
I sit up and turn to face her. "You're going somewhere?" The sheets rustle as I wrap them around me, modesty returning to me without warning. She sits there, naked and unabashed, her hands laying on the bed, open. "I can come with you though . . ."
She shakes her head. "No, Carth . . . you can't."
Terror. It's there, I know it. She can feel it within me. She's running off on her own after all that we've been through. She's throwing me aside to be noble, to be a damn hero. She can't be acting like this . . . she's not like this . . . She is like this. I stare into her blue eyes with longing.
"What am I supposed . . . while you're gone, I can't just sit here and wait for you and I don't want to . . ."
She places her hand on my face, the other joining it until she's cupping my jaw and bringing my forehead to meet hers. I stare into her eyes and she looks into mine. She knows me too well . . . she knows that I can't resist her like this. I can see her tearing up, and it makes me feel angry. She cries only when she feels empty, only when she knows that something bad could happen, or when she feels lost. My arms hang limp as I watch her in some sort of shock. She starts to speak again, but so quietly that I can barely even hear her.
"You watch this place for me, Carth. You watch this world and this . . . everything. Take care of your son, take care of Mission . . . don't abandon them or your people. They're your own now, Carth. I want you to be happy, and I don't want you to spend your time thinking about me. I'll be safe and you'll be safe, and that's all that matters. I'll come back, I promise. I'll come back to you and I will still love you no matter what."
"What if I . . ." I lose my words for a moment. "What if I come for you?"
She looks so hurt at my question. "Carth, don't. Don't come after me, please. Those I love are meant to stay here . . . you guys have other obligations and I need you to stay here."
I almost start to yell when her hands fall from my face and she slides away from me. I nearly fall forward, but something seems to keep me sitting there, staring at where she once was. I hear the soft jingling of her belt as I turn to see her getting dressed. She wraps her robes quickly, not even pausing to fumble on anything. With an odd sort of twisting and slight pulling, her long hair is wrapped up tight once more, those blue eyes watching me with resolution the whole time. Boots on, clothes straightened, hair smoothed . . . she's ready. I'm not ready. I'm not even close to being ready for her to . . . leave.
My feet hit the floor softly, the sheet still wrapped around my waist as I walk to her. Without letting her protest or even move out of the way, I grab her tightly and hold her against myself. Her hands run over my back, then grasp the back of my neck as she starts to cry into my shoulder. I can't speak, I can't move . . . I'm frozen. After a moment, I hear her sniff lightly as I feel her move from me.
My arms slide from her back and I step away.
"I love you, Carth."
The door slides shut. I stand there in silence for what feels like an hour, but I know is only a minute. My mouth opens and I softly whisper to her, wherever she is by now . . . The same word I feel like I've said to her my whole life . . .
"Goodbye."