Chapter Four

For a moment, Akito was convinced that there was something the matter with him.

Perhaps Hatori had given him too many pain pills. He wouldn't put it past the dragon to purposely overdose him. After all, when it came down to it, Hatori was still a member of the zodiac; Akito knew full well that each and every one of those miserable animals was secretly praying for his death, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind that Hatori had grown tired of taking care of him over the years. This was probably the dragon's first attempt to try and kill him, to finish him off once and for all so that the zodiac animals could finally have their freedom.

I will punish Hatori for his despicable actions later. In the meantime …

In the meantime, he needed to snap himself out of this reverie. Because there was no way that Tohru Honda had just hugged him. She wouldn't dare.

"I…I'm sorry." Tohru backed away from him, her cheeks flushed with what Akito could only presume was embarrassment. "I shouldn't have done that. But Akito, I see you living here in this great big house, and I can't help but think that you just seem so...lonely." She raised her head to meet his stare, and Akito found himself momentarily taken aback by how blue her eyes were. Not a cold, icy blue like his, but a deep cerulean blue. It was a warm, comforting color, and though Akito would've never admitted as much, he found it rather pleasing to look at.

"I want to help you," she said. "I want to be your friend, if I can-"

At hearing that, Akito tore his gaze from hers. "Only because you pity me," he grumbled, and Tohru said nothing in reply.

It was during that brief lapse of silence that Akito found himself thinking again of the other day, when he'd allowed himself to entertain the possibility that the girl might actually care for him. He still remembered the moment very clearly. She'd looked up at him with those same sad, tear-filled eyes, and for a second he'd found himself wanting to believe that she was truly the kind, genuine soul that his zodiac assured him she was.

But now he saw what a fool he'd been.

She had no rebuttal just now, when I accused her of feeling nothing but pity for me. And so that must mean...

"I don't want your pity," Akito said, "and I most certainly don't want a friendship built on it. Do you understand?"

Tohru chewed on her lower lip. "I'm not…I mean, I do really want to be your friend, Akito-"

"Silence."

"But I-"

Akito fixed her with a cold stare. "I asked you to come here today for a reason, did I not?"

Tohru bowed her head, finally giving up. "Yes."

"Yes. And you are wasting both of our time by steering this conversation in a direction that it needn't go."

Again, Tohru said nothing, and Akito stood motionless, arms crossed as he regarded her with disgust. "Now then," he said after a beat, "shall we proceed?"

Tohru looked up at him again, her eyes glowing with sorrow as softly she said, "Yes. I'm sorry, Akito. I don't mean to...ramble. I'll try not to do that anymore." A small smile tugged at her lips, and Akito had but a moment to wonder about it before she said, "It's funny, but do you know what my mom used to say? She said that sometimes-"

"Your mother?"

Tohru stopped, stock-still, clearly surprised by the abruptness of his question. "I...what?"

Akito somehow resisted the urge to snap at her for her lack of eloquence. "Your mother," he repeated calmly. "I believe Shigure told me she died a little over a year ago in an automobile accident. Is that true?"

Tohru blinked up at the zodiac god in bewilderment. She didn't know what to make of this sudden shift of conversation.

Why does he want to know about Mom? she wondered. It's strange that he would even bother to ask about my personal life. I mean, it's been obvious for some time that he doesn't like me very much...

Tohru sighed. Normally she didn't mind thinking about Kyoko Honda, her mother. If anything, the memory of Kyoko served as a constant reminder to Tohru of how lucky she'd been to have a mother who loved her so much. But for some reason, whenever Tohru was around Akito, the mere mention of her mother made her feel terribly sad. Just last week, when she'd visited Sohma House, she'd burst into tears the moment she started talking about the accident. Tohru had been rather surprised at herself. Ever since the day her mother died, she had sworn she would be strong, that she would not spend too much time mourning. It was not what her mother would've wanted, after all, and Tohru definitely had to give herself credit; for the past year she had had very few problems staying happy, and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure had more than a little something to do with that. But for some reason, that afternoon with Akito last week had triggered all sorts of emotions within her, including a deep sadness she hadn't thought still existed.

"Miss Tohru Honda?"

Tohru jumped at the sound of Akito's voice. "Oh! I'm so sorry. I was only thinking-"

"Silence. If you say 'I'm sorry' one more time, I swear I'm going to scream." Akito shook his head. "Now then, would you be so kind as to answer my question?"

Tohru stared at him blankly. She'd been so lost in her own thoughts, she didn't even remember what it was he'd asked her.

Akito seemed to realize this almost right away. "I said, is it true that your mother died last year in an automobile accident?"

Remembering now, Tohru managed a weak nod. "Oh. Um, yes. She did. She…she was killed."

"How did it happen?"

Tohru swallowed hard. Why was this so difficult? She'd told so many other people about her mother's death without feeling the need to flee the room. "She was…hit by a car. On the way home from work. She was crossing the street, and…"

She stopped, touching her cheeks as suddenly she realized that she was crying again. What's happening to me, Mom? I know you wouldn't want this. You would want me to be happy. And I am, truthfully. It's just that, whenever Akito is around...I feel like I lose some of that happiness. Like he takes it from me. But that's ridiculous, right? There's no way that one person could be capable of doing something like that. You always used to tell me that everyone has good qualities, even the most seemingly monstrous people...

She looked up at the pale, black-haired man before her, her mind reeling with questions. Could her mother have been wrong? Was it possible for a person to be so dark and so terrible that there was nothing redeemable about them whatsoever? Tohru didn't even want to consider that. But the more time she spent around Akito, the more she found that she had to.

What's happening to me, Mom? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know...

Akito was pleased with the way that his visit with Tohru Honda was progressing.

This was exactly what he had been hoping for—to find the girl's greatest weakness and use it against her. I could tell by the way she spoke last week that her mother's death still grieves her deeply. Perhaps if he pressed enough, she would get angry and start shouting at him. Then her true colors would be revealed at last.

"Did you get to see her before she died?" he asked. "That is, was she alive long enough for you to speak with her one last time?"

Tohru's bottom lip shook. She was clearly fighting as hard as she could to hold back more tears.

"No," she whispered. "They let me out of school, and I ran to the hospital, but by the time I got there…it was too late. She was already gone." She turned her head to one side, sniffling. "Forgive me, Akito. I shouldn't be crying like this. Mom wouldn't want me to be sad, but it's just that...she was my best friend. She meant so much to me, and sometimes...sometimes I still don't know what I'm going to do without her."

The zodiac god couldn't bring himself to say anything right away. The two of them stood together in silence for several minutes, and when Tohru Honda finally turned her face up on him again, Akito found himself struck by the intensity of her gaze. "Has that ever happened to you?" she murmured. "Have you...have you ever lost someone precious to you? Someone you love?"

Akito had to fight in order to keep himself from grimacing. She isn't putting on an act, he realized. This emotion is real. She looks like I did all those years ago, after Akira died. I still remember the sorrow, the almost stabbing pain I felt in my chest every time I reminded myself that I was never going to see him or hear his voice ever again...

…Wait a minute. What the hell?

Akito blinked, his eyes flashing with rage at the realization that this was Hatori's fault. It must be. Those pain pills he'd given him earlier—yes, now that Akito thought about it, the quantity had been more than what was likely to be considered a normal dosage. Perhaps it didn't explain why Tohru Honda had hugged him earlier, nor did it explain why there'd been a small part of Akito that had wanted to return her embrace. But, it could explain why he suddenly found himself feeling so sentimental and so...dare he think it? Compassionate.

"No," he told her. "No, I have never experienced anything like that."

"Really?" Tohru used the sleeve of her school uniform to wipe the remaining moisture from her cheeks. "Then you're lucky, Akito. You are very, very lucky."

"Lucky?" Akito snorted. "If you want to call it that."

"I...what do you mean?"

"I mean that I've never loved anyone," he told her. "Not once in all my life."

That, of course, was an outright lie. Akito had most certainly loved his father during the short time he'd known him, and though he didn't want to admit it, he'd also grown to care for Hatori very much over the years. Other than those few people, though, Akito could honestly say that he had never felt any kind of deep care or concern for anyone. Oh, he told his zodiac he loved them, but that was yet another lie. They all knew it, too. Akito pretended to care for them in the same way that they pretended to care for him, though the truth of the matter was that no real bond existed between them. And Akito resented them for this fact.

But that wasn't the only reason why he was cruel to them. It wasn't even the primary one. Deep down, the truth was that the feelings of hatred Akito harbored toward his family members didn't have anything to do with who they were as individuals. No, his scorn was nothing more than an expression of the anger he felt toward each and every single one of them, not for who they were, but for what they were.

It was because of them that he had to suffer. It was because of them that he couldn't live a normal life. If they simply didn't exist, he wouldn't be forced to endure this wretched state of being. He wouldn't be "god" of the Chinese zodiac. He wouldn't be weak, bitter, cruel, or defenseless, and he probably wouldn't hate the girl standing in front of him right now.

"That's…that's terrible," Tohru said. "To never love anyone…I can't imagine how horrible that would be." Her eyes locked with his again, and suddenly Akito felt like lunging forward and grabbing her by the hair, the way he had the last time she'd been at Sohma House.

Did I not already make it perfectly clear that I don't want pity? Perhaps I need to teach her another lesson-

"I'm sure that that isn't true," she said suddenly. "Akito, I'm sure…I'm sure you've loved someone. At least once before."

Akito shut his eyes, inhaling deeply. He no longer liked the way this conversation was going. It was making him feel things he didn't want to feel, making him think about things that he would much rather not think about.

Am I a monster? To summon her here only to torment her...

"Get out of my house," he said softly. "I don't want to look at you a moment longer."

Tohru was clearly taken aback by the abrupt dismissal. "Oh, but-"

"I said go."

When she still didn't move, Akito threw his head back and shouted, "Leave!"

Startled, Tohru straightened. "Yes. Um...of course!" She bowed awkwardly. "Thank you, Akito! I will leave now."

And with that she turned and ran from the room, not even bothering to close the door behind her as she went.

When he was sure she was gone, Akito whirled around and swung one of his fists at the wall. He ended up hitting harder than he'd intended. Immediately he pulled his hand back, crying out in agony. Then he did the very next best thing he could think to do.

"Hatori!"

"Damn it," Kyo growled. "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

In response, Shigure grinned, feeling thoroughly pleased with himself for finally having succeeded in his attempts to rile the cat. "Yelling will get you nowhere!" he said, wagging a finger back and forth. "Besides, I suppose you're right," he relented. "You are a much better cook than Yuki."

Over in the corner of the room, Yuki sat with one of his school books propped open in his lap. "Yeah, let's put you in the kitchen for a while and see how well you do," he murmured.

"But while we're on the subject of cooking," Shigure continued, "do either of you know what time Tohru is going to be home? I'd like to know whether or not I need to order takeout."

Yuki looked up from his book in order to exchange a short glance with Kyo. "No, actually, she didn't tell me what time she would be back. Did she tell you, Kyo?"

"Pfft, no," Kyo said. "She ran outta school so fast I didn't get the chance to ask her. I don't know what it was, but somethin' weird was going on with her today. She seemed like…I don't know, like-"

"Not herself," Yuki finished. "Yes, I noticed it too. She seemed rather restless all day."

Shigure looked thoughtful. "Hmm. You know, it seems our Tohru might be in need of some emotional support. And whatever is bothering her, one of you is going to have to sit down and talk to her about it." He glanced from Yuki to Kyo. "And which one of you fine young gentlemen is it going to be?"

Kyo stood, his eyes narrowed with purpose as he said, "I was just about to head down there to pick her up right now, or at least wait outside until she gets out."

"It's only 6:00," Shigure said, tapping an imaginary watch on his wrist. "You'll be waiting an awfully long time if she's working as late as she does on a typical evening."

"Yeah, well then I'll go across the street and kill time at a store or somethin'," Kyo snapped. "Now I'm picking her up, and that's final."

"Oh, so defensive," Shigure teased. "Are you perhaps afraid that Yuki might try to step in and argue that he wants to pick her up instead?"

"There's no argument necessary," Yuki said, also standing. "Because I'm going too. And that's final."

Kyo glared at Yuki, who in turn, glared back. This went on for several moments, long enough that Shigure began to fear it would turn into a fistfight. He was about to intercede, but before he could, the telephone rang.

In an instant, both Kyo and Yuki turned away from each other and looked right at Shigure.

"What? You want me to get it?" Shigure laughed, pointing innocently at himself. When they both just kept glaring, he sighed. "All right, all right. Just don't smash the house while I'm gone, okay?"

He hurried into the hallway then, giggling to himself all the while. It had been apparent for quite some time that both Yuki and Kyo had serious crushes on Tohru. As funny as it was to watch them glower at each other knowingly all the time, Shigure knew that in the long run all the situation did was create a greater rift between them.

He sighed as he picked up the phone. Were things ever going to change in their family?

"Hellooo," he sang. "Sohma residence, Shigure speaking."

"It's me," a deep voice rumbled.

Instantly, Shigure's face lit up. "HARI! Oh Hari, I was hoping you would call soon! Did you miss me? I was beginning to worry that you'd forgotten-"

"Shigure, please." Hatori was clearly not in the mood for Shigure's jokes and silliness. "I would like to stay on to talk, but I can't. I'm very busy this time of year, as you well know."

Shigure sighed, feeling somewhat disappointed, though he knew that this could only mean there was trouble. "All right, Hari," he said, his tone now very serious. "What's going on? Is Akito all right?"

"It's difficult to say," Hatori replied. "He appears to be fine physically, yet I can't help but think that something must have happened to upset him this afternoon."

Shigure frowned. "And what led you to that conclusion?"

"He seems very depressed, and for some reason that he is wholly unwilling to explain, he keeps insisting that both Yuki and Kyo come to the Main House to visit him tomorrow afternoon. Both of them."

Shigure raised his eyebrows in suspicion. "He included Kyo?"

"Yes. He said that he wants to speak with them both as soon as possible."