Chapter Twelve
Akito wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. He pressed his hands to his head, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, like Hatori had taught him. But the only effect this act appeared to have was making him feel faint.
The zodiac god allowed himself to breathe normally, and once he'd recovered, he found himself thinking of Tohru Honda all over again.
Why does my brain keep returning to that woman? It's as if she's bewitched me.
He couldn't get the image of the last time he saw her out of his head, the genuine look of panic that had entered her eyes as she promised to help...
She'd turned to run back into the house, but Akito had caught her ankle. He remembered her recoiling from his touch, and it was no mystery to him why she'd reacted in this manner. In the past, whenever Akito had reached for her, it had almost always been to inflict pain or fear.
But not this time. No, if anything, he'd been trying to pull her back to him, to bring her closer. Because he'd been truly afraid in that moment.
I didn't want to be alone, he realized. I didn't want to be alone, and she knew that. I could see how torn she looked.
She'd wanted to comfort him and help him, but she'd known that doing both would be impossible. And so, she'd left.
"She may very well have saved your life, Akito. I believe that warrants at least a little gratitude."
Akito squeezed his eyes shut. Hatori is right. She didn't have to do what she did. She could have stayed. She could have pretended to comfort me, all the while secretly praying that I would die before Shigure or the others managed to reach me. If her intentions toward me were truly malicious...that's what she would have done.
It was what he would have done, if he'd been in her position.
But he wasn't her. He was nothing like Tohru Honda, nothing at all. And maybe that was why…
No. Akito shook his head. He couldn't think it. He wouldn't allow himself to think it. And yet…
The zodiac god gritted his teeth as he tried to suppress the thought that was desperately trying to claw its way to the forefront of his mind. The more he fought it, though, the more troubling it became, until long at last he allowed it to escape in the form of the tiniest whisper: They like her better than you because she is better.
That time, Akito did scream. With a swing of his arm, he sent an array of items flying off the edge of the small table near his bedside, most of them fragile in nature. He barely heard the sound of the glass shattering on the floor.
That woman…
His eyes burned. He hated her. He hated her more than he'd ever hated anyone in all his life.
So why was it that he wanted nothing more than to grab her and wrap her up in his arms? To bury his face in her hair. To cry like a little boy. To-
His thought was cut off by a loud knock at the door, and Akito turned sharply, his eyes widening with alarm as Hatori's voice called to him from the other side. "Akito, are you all right? I thought I heard a crash."
Akito's arms were still shaking as he surveyed the damage around him. Tiny shards of clear, glistening glass lay scattered on the floor near his bare feet. He'd broken another clock, along with what he presumed had been a very expensive piece of pottery. The zodiac god stared down at his quivering hands, palms facing upward. What if someone had been here in the room with me when I did this? What if Tohru Honda-
Another knock. "Akito?"
The zodiac god cleared his throat. "I'm fine," he said in a voice that he hoped was equally as toneless as the doctor's. "A bit dizzy, though, I'm afraid. I may have damaged a few valuables in attempting to right myself."
There was a long pause before Hatori replied, a sure sign that the dragon didn't believe his story for a minute. "I'll send someone in to clean the mess at once. In the meantime, please try to rest until I return. There is a visitor here who would like to speak with you, but seeing as you are indisposed-"
"A visitor?"
Already Akito's mind was racing. Who would have the gall to disturb me so late in the day? I'm certain I have no appointments. It must be one of the animals.
Isuzu, perhaps. Akito wouldn't be at all surprised if he were to open the door and find the horse standing at the threshold, wearing that trademark scowl of hers.
Another possibility occurred to him, and though he wasn't sure why, he found that the thought was not at all an unwelcome one. In fact, the more he considered it, the more he felt his heart-rate begin to increase, and—shockingly—it was not in a way that made him feel ill.
"Sir," Hatori began, "you are clearly not well-"
"I am well enough to hear who it is that wishes to speak with me," Akito shot back.
Again, the doctor tried to protest. "I hardly think it would be proper-"
"I will be the judge of what is proper and what is not," Akito snapped, unable to contain his temper any longer. "Now out with it, Hatori, and tell me who is standing there at the door with you."
Long at last, Hatori relented. "A former member of the zodiac is here to see you. He has come to request an audience…"
But Akito didn't hear any more after that. His head was spinning, thoughts rushing, heart pounding wildly in his chest. He quickly extended an arm to steady himself against his bedside table. He was panicking, truly panicking, and he knew from experience that he had to find a way to get himself under control. Fast.
But his heart only seemed to beat faster, until he could hear nothing but the sound of blood pulsating in his ears. And it wasn't just his ears that were failing him. His entire body felt numb. His vision was blurred. He couldn't see. He couldn't feel. He couldn't think. In fact, the only thing that was recognizable to him was the sound of his rapidly racing heart. Focus on that, he told himself, remembering the advice that Hatori had given him long ago. Focus on what you know is real. The rest will come back to you in time. It always does.
"Sir? Are you all right?"
Akito wasn't sure how long it took, but eventually, Hatori's voice was clear again. The room came back into focus, and when at last he could speak, he bit out, "What did you just say?"
A deep, hushed voice mumbled something to Hatori. Several moments passed, and then the door was opening and the dragon was entering the room with his hands held out in front of him. "Akito, please try to calm down. He's gone-"
"No one leaves or enters this house without my permission. No one."
"Akito, please-"
"Get out of my way!"
He elbowed past the doctor and stalked down the hall. He only had to take about ten steps before he caught sight of the retreating figure of Kureno Sohma. The ex-rooster stopped at the sound of Akito's pounding footsteps, turning slowly.
For a moment, both men just stared at each other, though Kureno quickly broke the silence by giving a polite nod of his head. "Akito," he said. "You look well. I'm glad to see it."
The zodiac god ignored him, still feeling dazed as he speculated what the reason could possibly be for this sudden turn of events.
He wants something. It was the only logical explanation. After all, a man doesn't up and leave his family without sending so much as a word of his whereabouts, only to return two years later with regret heavy in his heart. So why come back, then? What is it that I have that he wants?
He wished to confront Kureno, and he would—eventually. But for the time being, he found that he was content to play along.
"Welcome back to Sohma House, cousin." Akito greeted the ex-rooster by extending his arms, though somehow he doubted he was doing even a halfway decent job at hiding the malice in his voice as he said, "You should have come to see me sooner."
"I'm sorry to interrupt your student council meeting," Tohru told Yuki as the two set off, walking slowly side by side down the second years' hallway. "But I know Hatsuharu always feels calmer when you're around. Kyo would have come to get you, but...well, seeing as you two don't get along, we decided it would be best to send me instead."
She giggled, but Yuki seemed to tense at the mention of Kyo. It was a slight movement of the shoulders, though Tohru did not fail to notice it.
"It's all right," he said after a pause. "We weren't really discussing anything all that important today. Besides," he added, turning to smile at her, "a visit from you is always welcome, regardless of the circumstances."
Tohru smiled back. "Well, thank you. Kyo figured you might say that..."
She trailed off, noticing again the way Yuki reacted when she said Kyo's name. His violet eyes narrowed, as if she had uttered something vile. Oh Mom, they really don't like each other at all, do they? I suppose I shouldn't think too much of it. Shigure says their rivalry is just another side effect of the curse. And yet...
And yet, sometimes Tohru had to wonder just how much control the curse had over the zodiac. I know it affects certain aspects of their personalities. Like Kyo's love of heights. But surely...
Surely some of those feelings could be overridden. She thought of Haru and Yuki's friendship. Haru had felt anger toward Yuki when they first met, though with time he'd managed to look past what the curse was telling him to feel and see Yuki for who he really was as a person. If only Yuki and Kyo could manage to do the same, she thought with a small sigh.
The rat was quick to turn and cast her a worried glance. "What is it?" he asked, seeing her crestfallen face. "I haven't said anything to upset you, have I?"
Tohru hesitated a moment before quietly asking, "Yuki, do you...do you really hate Kyo as much as you say? I mean, is that really how you feel, or do you think maybe..."
She halted her speech when she noticed Yuki's stony expression.
"Yes, I do hate him," he said in a voice that was low and cold. "I know hearing that probably disappoints you, and I'm sorry. But Miss Honda, the truth is...it's not just me. That is, I'm not the only one who hates him. We all do, at least a little bit. Even Kagura."
Tohru gaped. He'd spoken to her plainly about his detest for the cat before, but had never said so much as a single word about how the rest of the zodiac might feel. "Why?" she whispered. She could feel her eyes starting to sting with the threat of tears. Poor Kyo. To be so hated by everyone...
She pictured him in her mind for a moment, thinking of how contagious his smile was—that is, in the rare moments he actually appeared to be happy. She thought of the time he'd made her leek soup while she was sick, despite the fact that even the scent of the vegetable was enough to make his stomach feel queasy. She thought of the time they'd stayed up half the night talking on the roof together. How they'd laughed...
"Because we need to," Yuki said, tearing her at once from her memories of Kyo. "We need to have someone to look down on, someone that we can point to and say, 'At least I don't have it as bad as him. At least I'm not a monster.'" Yuki hung his head, avoiding her gaze, as if shamed by his own words. "It's why...it's why no one protests his confinement. We all know it to be a cruel and unusual punishment, but none of us say anything because-"
"Confinement?" Tohru turned to him with wide, horrified eyes. How could Yuki say these things so calmly, like they were simple, mundane facts of life that couldn't be changed?
"Yes," Yuki replied in a solemn voice. "It is the cat's destiny to be an outcast, to be shunned by all people. And that's why, when he comes of age, Akito will lock him away, where he will then remain until the end of his life."
Tohru took a hurried step back from him. She felt light-headed, almost ill, and found that she had to reach out with an arm in order to steady herself against the wall. Is this true? Is Akito really going to lock Kyo up for life?
"Miss Honda!" Yuki looked panicked as he hovered over her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you! I thought you already knew..."
You thought I already knew? You thought I could learn such a thing and be perfectly fine with it?
"Miss Honda, are you all right? Can you hear me?"
Tohru could feel herself trembling. Part of her was furious. She wanted to snap at Yuki, to tell him to be quiet and leave her alone.
But no, she quickly scolded herself. I can't let myself get angry. I can't...fall apart. I have to be strong. That's what Mom would say if she were here.
"Miss Honda?" Yuki was pulling gently on one of her arms. "Here, let me walk you to the office with me. While we're there we can ask if the nurse is still in-"
Lightly, Tohru placed a hand over his. "N-no, I...I'm all right. Really. What you said, it was just...it shocked me. But I'll be okay. I promise." She offered him a false smile, trying to look unfazed, though Yuki did not appear to be fooled. He didn't smile back. "We really should be going," she said. "Hatsuharu needs you, remember?"
Yuki stared at her for another moment before slowly nodding his head. "As long as you're sure you're all right," he murmured.
"Oh, I'm fine," Tohru assured him with a half-hearted chuckle. "Please, don't worry about it."
And with that they set off again, this time in silence. Yuki kept glancing at her worriedly, but Tohru ignored him.
The other day, when she'd been fantasizing about breaking the zodiac curse, the truth was that she'd only been partially in earnest. Another, louder part of her had whispered that such a feat was not possible—and that if it were, certainly she would not be the one to bring it to fruition. But now?
Now I don't have a choice. I have to find a way to break the curse.
Because if she didn't...
No. I won't let something so horrible happen to Kyo. I will find a way to free him, no matter what it takes. No matter what.
Back at Sohma House, Kureno and Hatori watched silently as Akito paced across the floor. His back was to them when at last he said, "I don't normally allow traitors to set foot in my house, though in this particular instance, it would appear that I have no choice but to make an exception."
Kureno didn't know what to make of this opening statement, and he showed his confusion by tilting his head slightly to one side. "An exception, sir?"
"Yes. I have graciously decided to ignore the fact that you were invited in without so much as a single one of my zodiac asking permission first."
He glared icily at Hatori, but the doctor was unperturbed. "Cursed or not, Kureno is family, sir. I allowed him into the house with the understanding that he would be permitted to stay as a guest-"
Akito cut him off with a humorless chuckle. "Guest? I think not. Sohma House is a sacred place, and you step out of turn by harboring our family's enemies within its walls!"
He narrowed his cold blue eyes at Hatori, who returned the glare unflinchingly. "Akito, things cannot go on as they have. Were you not telling me just the other day that you wish to make amends for some of your past actions? I believe a reconciliation with the former rooster would be an excellent first step."
Much to Kureno's shock, it took but a few seconds for Akito to reply. And what's more, he actually agreed. "Very well, Hatori. Your reasoning is sound, as usual." He was visibly annoyed by this admission. But he admitted it, nonetheless, and Kureno supposed he had to give him credit for that.
"Go, then," the zodiac god told Hatori with a wave of his hand. "Leave us. I will summon you again if necessary."
Hatori hesitated only a moment before bowing his head. He looked at Kureno briefly as he moved toward the exit, his expression grave, his eyes imploring the ex-rooster to call for him at the slightest sign of trouble. Kureno gave a half-nod in order to convey that he understood perfectly well what he was getting himself into.
The door clicked shut, and at once Kureno found himself alone with the zodiac god.
"He reminds me of you." That was the first thing Akito said, though as he spoke his gaze drifted to where a pair of white finches had perched on the ground outside near the back door. "Before your curse was lifted, that is," he added quietly, and Kureno watched, fascinated as Akito moved toward the door. He eased it open further and stepped slowly outside, extending an arm as he knelt down near the birds. To Kureno's shock, one of the birds came to rest on his finger.
In his absence, Kureno had forgotten the grace with which Akito often moved, and at times like these, he could almost convince himself that the zodiac god was an ordinary person and not a vessel for an ancient, troubled spirit.
For several moments, Akito quietly observed the birds, tossing a few seeds every now and then from a velvet bag that appeared to have been placed near the door specifically for that purpose. "They used to be afraid of me," he told Kureno. "But now they come nearly every day. Sometimes they stay for hours. I often consider the possibility that they might be the only true friends I have in this world." He stopped, his voice suddenly taking on an edge of bitterness. "You, on the other hand, have come here with an agenda in mind." He stroked the feathers of the bird that was still resting on his finger, sighing in what appeared to be disappointment as it abruptly took off in flight. "Well, go on, then. I'm listening."
Kureno shifted his gaze away from Akito. He didn't want to do this. Not really. But he'd promised Shigure that he would try for his sake—for the sake of their family—and the ex-rooster was determined to do everything in his power to keep his word, to make things right. He cleared his throat before speaking. "I've come to inquire about the girl."
He paused, gauging Akito's reaction. Just as he'd predicted, the zodiac god turned to look at him almost immediately, his eyes alight with newfound interest.
"Ah, yes. Miss Tohru Honda. Of course you would be curious about her." His lip curled into what could only be described as a smirk. It was a look that Kureno was all too familiar with in his dealings with Akito.
"You always were overly concerned with the well-being of outsiders. Again, just like Hatori." Akito's voice quieted then, as if he were talking only to himself. "Yes, you probably heard about her and became suspicious of my motives. What am I planning? Do I intend to harm her?" He trailed off, chuckling darkly. "I assure you, many of the others have come to me with these exact questions. The truth of the matter, however, is that I don't have an answer. I don't know why I allowed the girl to keep her memories. I don't know why I still allow her to freely walk this earth with the knowledge that she holds."
But Kureno shook his head. "On the contrary," he said, "I believe I already know perfectly well what your motives are in keeping her around."
"Oh?" Akito arched a brow in amusement, and Kureno nodded, choosing his next words carefully.
"You believe that she's changed something in you. That she's provided you with a...certain strength that you don't believe you had before."
He expected this assertion to be met with anger, but instead, the zodiac god merely rolled his eyes. "I told Hatori that in confidence, though I suppose it shouldn't surprise me to learn that he has betrayed me yet again." He cast Kureno a cutting glare. There was the anger that the ex-rooster had long been anticipating.
"What else did the two of you talk about?" Akito demanded. "Did he tell you about my recent interactions with Tohru Honda? How I obsess over her? How I am so delusional as to believe that she leaves me feeling stronger, more alive, more-"
"Akito," Kureno cut him off seriously. "I think I can provide a little insight as to what the reason might be for your sudden resurgence in strength." He took a deep breath. It was now or never. "Hatori has been reading old family records," he said in a rush, "and his findings would appear to suggest that previous Sohma heads experienced similar health improvements not long before their deaths."
Silence followed as he allowed enough time for the zodiac god to process the full meaning of what he'd just said. The delivery of his words had been slow, but impactful, and Akito didn't take long in deciphering what it was that Kureno had left unsaid.
"I see." The zodiac god's voice was soft, his eyes wide, unblinking. "It would appear that my dragon keeps more secrets from me than I would've ever imagined possible."
"No." Kureno shook his head, at once jumping to Hatori's defense. "He only wanted to protect you from knowledge that might kill your spirit. But Shigure and I believe-"
Akito whirled on him, and Kureno took a small step back, his arms held out as the zodiac god roared, "I don't give a damn what you and that mongrel believe! There is nothing you or he or anyone can say to alter my fate!"
"Akito-"
"Is that why you came here? To tear open old wounds? To remind me once again that you are free and I am not?"
Kureno blinked rapidly. He knew he shouldn't be, but he was surprised by this sudden outburst. "Akito, I didn't come here to gloat-"
"My days are numbered, Kureno! You think I don't know that? You think I don't already envy you with all of my being?"
"Akito, please. I only came to offer you hope, to show you that there's still time to-"
Slap.
The ex-rooster stood still for several seconds, frozen in shock.
"How dare you," the zodiac god hissed. "You know as well as I do that there is no hope!"
Kureno lifted a hand, his cheek tingling as he touched the spot where Akito had hit him. "But what if you're wrong?" he challenged. "If my curse broke...perhaps yours can, too."
Instead of answering, Akito narrowed his eyes and pointed forcefully in the direction door. "Get out. And if I ever see you again, I'll string you up and let the buzzards pick out your innards."
Just like that, something in Kureno snapped.
The ex-rooster rarely raised his voice in anger, but in that moment, he couldn't contain himself any longer. "Don't you ever tire of saying such things? No wonder you're so weak, so exhausted. It must be a true burden, carrying around so much hate in your heart."
To his surprise, Akito flinched at his words. Or rather, he almost flinched. It was a subtle change in the zodiac god's expression, a flash of emotion that crossed his face for the briefest of moments, though it was almost immediately blinked away. Kureno didn't give him a chance to retort. "I know you want to live, Akito," he said, "and whether you believe it or not, I want that for you as well. But I can't do anything to help you. Hatori can't do anything to help you. This girl can't do anything to help you. Right now, the only person who can help you...is you."
That last statement resulted in a snarl from Akito. "What would you suggest I do? Frolic around in the flowers and pretend as though everything is right with the world?"
"No. I suggest you live your life for once, rather than hole yourself up in this room and continue to allow the world and everything in it to pass you by." He paused once he reached the door, turning halfway to glance at the zodiac god over one shoulder. "You might start by joining us next weekend. Shigure has planned a trip. He's taking everyone to a summer home. Almost everyone is going, and I think you and Hatori should, too."
Akito breathed what Kureno could only presume was meant to be a sound of disgust. "You want me to go to a beach-house? Near the ocean? With children?" He scoffed. "Surely you must be joking."
Kureno gave him a pointed look. "The girl will be there."
Akito didn't say anything to that. He didn't need to. The bewildered look on his face as Kureno left him told the ex-rooster everything he needed to know. It would appear, he thought as he closed the door behind him, that Shigure might be right after all.
"I never thought it possible," he mumbled to himself before straightening his tie and setting off down the hall. As he went he opened his cell phone and sent a new text message to the dog. He kept his report concise, but clear: Just left. Discussion was strained, as expected, but outcome looks promising. I think you may be right. I think he does care for her.