Chapter Three – In which we encounter certain villains while the men of the watch attempt to do the same.
They'd rehearsed this part several times, Maxim reflected, and every time he'd been able to take his trousers off without falling over. Still, it had gone pretty well.
Getting out of the palace had been easy – the coppers were too stunned to think about chasing, and everyone else was too busy worrying about not dying. And barring the balance issue, the Quick Change had been a success – the white clothes were off in a minute, used to wipe off the makeup, then turned inside out to reveal an odd looking but passable brown outfit. After that it was a matter of walking briskly, but not suspiciously, round a corner and heading for the meeting point, where Art was waiting with a smirk.
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Dear Mumme and Dad
Well it has been a busy week and no mistake about it! There has been a to-do at the palace, some mimes tried to blow it up. They damaged the patricians best bath, Commander Vimes said its a pity he wasnt in it but thats just His Way he is actually very upset about the whole business. We have no idea, who did it, we are going to interview the fools and the alchemists and possibly the wizards, but Mr Vimes says he'll be d-mned if he sets foot in their hall until its a last resort.
Captain Carrot paused for a moment and looked up from his desk.
'Sergeant?'
Sergeant Colon stopped shuffling his cards. 'Yes Captain?'
'Why doesn't Commander Vimes want to interview the wizards?'
'Ah, well, he's embarrassed, ain't he.'
'Why?'
'It's was that business with the Assistant Librarian. Rinsing or something, his name was. Scrawny chap.'
'Rincewind? The wizard who went up in The Kite with me?'
'That's the one. Anyway, he's a bit of a coward, you see-'
'A bit?'
'If in doubt he legs it.'
'Yes...'
'And Mr Vimes has views on people who are running...'
'Good grief. How long were they at it?'
'Best part of a day. In the end we had to lie in wait for them at the Brass Bridge and get Detritus to step out in front of them. That stopped them alright. Mr Vimes didn't come round till the evening, and he's never mentioned it since.'
Carrot considered this seriously, and decided that putting it in his letter might be considered a little Disrespectful.
Anyway, I must be going I have plenty of work to, keep me busy – as I said to my friend Corporal Nobbs (Nobby), Tyme wont stop for the watch, which is a punne. I thought I might paint it on some mugs to make for a Jolly Atmosfere in the Watch House but I will have to ask Commander Vimes first as his wife payed for the mugs.
Your son (adopted)
Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson
The Commander came in just as Carrot was sealing the envelope. 'Right, any news from Corporal Littlebottom?'
'No sir, she's still in the loo,' volunteered Sergeant Colon.
'It's not a privy any more,' said Littlebottom, as she entered the room carrying a pan of gunk. 'It's my office.'
'Quite right Corporal,' said Vimes. 'What have you found out?'
'Well, for a start it wasn't an exploded dragon -'
'Mrs Vimes'll be pleased them,' murmered Colon.
'- and I'm pretty sure it wasn't Orctiron –'
'What's Octiron?' interrupted Vimes.
'A metal used by the wizards, sir. It emits magical radiation in a variety of forms.'
'So the wizards weren't involved?'
'Well, the explosion doesn't seem to have any magical origins, sir. The remains of the explosives are mostly CaveSalt.'
'And that's found in caves, I suppose.'
'Actually sir, these days we get most of it from, er, alternative sources.'
'Which are?'
She looked at her feet. 'Waste, sir.'
'Waste.'
'You know. Excrement.'
'You're not serious?'
'Afraid so.'
'And it's explosive?'
'In the right circumstances, yes. It has to be mixed with some other chemicals, but nothing that's hard to get hold of.'
'So do we think the alchemists had something to do with this?'
'It's hard to say. Any alchemist would be able to make that sort of explosion, but then CaveSalt's been written about for hundreds of years, so I'm sure anyone else who wanted to could find out how to do it.'
'And they'd be able to find some CaveSalt?'
'The alchemist's guild might sell it to them. If not, well, it's not hard to extract. They'd just have to find a large source of waste.'
'In that case, I'd like you to go to the alchemists guild with Captain Carrot and see what you can find out. In the meantime, Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs can pay Harry King's yard a visit and see if he's been selling to any new customers.'