A/N: Real quick, I just want to say thank you to everyone who still reads this story. I know it's kind of a mess, as my writing level and style have evolved multiple times in the last several years. Rest assured, I fully intend on going back and sprucing things up once I'm finished. (I can't believe I'm actually saying that, but it's true! I will be done soon!) Anyway, please know that I'm grateful to anyone who still finds this story interesting enough to keep reading. I hope you enjoy this next chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Chapter Twenty-One

Akito felt both hot and cold at the same time, and for once the sensation had nothing to do with oncoming illness.

There was a slight tremor to his hands as he brought them to rest against Tohru's face. He was close enough to kiss her. The thought sent a jolt of electricity through him, though he refrained from making any sudden movements, as it worried him that she had yet to say anything.

Was she frightened? Probably a little, if the bug-eyed stare she was giving him was any indication. Or maybe she was just in shock. He certainly wouldn't blame her, if that were the case. After all, his behavior was a far cry from the way she was accustomed to being treated by the zodiac god.

I told her I hated her.

He resisted the urge to curl his hands into fists out of anger at his past self. Who was he kidding? Of course she was surprised to hear him say that he loved her. Everything about him had screamed the opposite since the day they met.

He brushed a strand of hair back behind one of her ears. "It's all right," he said, hoping he sounded reassuring. "You don't need to be afraid."

"I'm not," she replied in a soft undertone. "But Akito, there's… there's something you should know."

She removed his hands from her face, and Akito tried not to look wounded as she took a deep breath and said, "I...I'm so glad that our friendship has helped you. Really, I couldn't be happier. And I do want us to work together to try and break the curse. For you, for the others." She dropped her gaze, hesitating. "For Kyo."

The cat? Akito willed his expression not to change, though he had to figure he was likely doing a poor job at hiding his incredulity. Because why would she choose to bring up him, of all people?

Why not mention Yuki, or Momiji, or even Isuzu?

His mind reeled, every thought that rushed through him boiling down to one single, maddening question: What does this mean? He was almost certain he knew the answer, though he prayed to every god who might be listening that he was wrong.

"Akito...being accepted into the Sohma family is a true honor. I never would've expected to earn your trust, let alone your friendship, and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, even though you didn't really want to at first. It means the world."

But? Akito stared at her, waiting to hear the words that were sure to finally make his feeble heart stop beating.

"But I...I'm afraid that I don't return the feelings you just expressed, when you said you…"

She winced, unable to bring herself to say the words. "I…I'm sorry." She tried to take one of his hands, but the zodiac god jerked back from her.

"Was it a lie?" he said, unable to keep the acid out of his voice. "What I heard you say to Isuzu."

"Isuzu?" she echoed in confusion. "When did I-"

"At the summer home," he snapped. "You said you wanted to save me, that you would do anything you could to break the curse. To free me."

Understanding lit her features. "I was…I was..." Her hands shook as she scrambled to come up with an explanation, and Akito gritted his teeth at the realization that whatever she said next may not be the truth.

"I…I was talking about Kyo," she admitted. "When you heard me say those things to Isuzu, I…I was thinking of him. I mean, I was thinking of all of you, of course." She sighed, her shoulders slumping. "But I was mostly thinking of him. Of his confinement."

Fiery rage coursed through Akito's veins. He had always hated Kyo, but he had never hated him as viscerally as he did in this moment.

Of all the zodiac…

No, of everyone in the entire world, Kyo was the one person Akito would've least expected to be capable of taking so much from him.

The cat is a wretched, deplorable creature. So how was it that Tohru bestowed love and compassion on him so willingly?

The zodiac god pressed a hand to his chest. He felt like he was sinking. No, drowning. Because Ren had been right. He'd done his best, but in the end, it hadn't been enough to earn the love of the person he had come to respect and admire above all others.

"Akito." It took him several moments for him to realize that Tohru was saying his name. "Akito, I-"

Her hand brushed his arm, and he tensed, drawing back from her. She flinched, and despite his anger, Akito deflated a little when he saw this. He didn't want her to think he was going to hurt her, that he was even capable of such a thing.

Aren't you, though? a voice in his head shot back, and Akito recoiled, steeling himself against the onslaught of memories that was sure to follow.

Blood pouring from Hatori's eye and onto the floor in massive droplets...

Isuzu throwing her hands out in front of her in a silent plea…

Tohru Honda crying as Akito pressed her head firmly toward the ground…

There was the merciful fact that the zodiac god recalled only the aftermath of these events and not the acts themselves. But could blind fury truly account for every terrible thing he'd ever done? No. It couldn't.

"Please stop! Akito, please...why are you doing this?"

That was Yuki's voice he heard. The poor rat had begged for Akito to make the pain and the ugly words stop, but the zodiac god hadn't relented. He'd wanted to make sure Yuki knew his place, that he never so much as thought about trying to deceive him again.

Everything I did and said to Yuki that day, I did so fully consciously, fully aware.

And that was why the rat still feared Akito, why everyone feared him. His reputation for being cruel and quick to anger preceded him, and even those who suspected he wasn't always in full control avoided him because they knew what he was capable of. Monster or not, he was dangerous, liable to snap at the slightest perceived offense. Tohru thinks these things, too, even if she does genuinely like me.

They could have dozens—no, hundreds—of pleasant conversations like the one they'd had the previous day, and still that kernel of fear would remain in the back of her mind, the fear that that part of him might rear its ugly head again.

I will never be able to say or do anything to undo the hurt I've caused her.

Defeated, Akito turned away from her again. "Leave me," he said, his voice gravelly.

Silence fell, and though he had his back to Tohru, he could feel her staring at him. "Go," he hissed, but still she made no movement.

"No," she said after a pause. "I won't leave you here, not like this. You didn't even give me a chance to explain!"

"You've provided all the explanation I require. I told you I love you, and you say that you do not feel the same."

"But…it's more complicated than that!"

He didn't believe her, though he supposed the least he could do was hear her out.

"I do love you, Akito," she insisted. "I love you the same way that I love Yuki and Momiji and Hatsuharu-"

The zodiac god inhaled sharply, as if hit with a sudden, stabbing pain, and Tohru yelped. "What?" she exclaimed, startled. "What is it? What did I say?"

She truly doesn't understand, does she?

"Please," he said. "I beg of you...just let me be."

There must have been something about the way he said it that made her reconsider. "Okay," she answered quietly. "If you really want me to go, then I will. But Akito, can I...I mean, you'll ask me to come back and visit again sometime soon. Won't you?"

Akito was glad that she couldn't see his face. He closed his eyes, waiting several seconds before replying. "No," he said. "I don't think I will."

He heard her draw in a breath. "But," she protested after another pause, "I want to see you! What just happened… it doesn't change anything!"

Akito lifted his eyes to hers. "Perhaps not for you," he said, and she sputtered, shaking her head repeatedly.

"Please don't," she managed. "Akito, don't...don't be like this! We need to work together. If we're going to have any chance of breaking the curse..."

Akito didn't hear another word she said after that. The only thing he was aware of was the all-consuming rage that roiled within him. It bubbled beneath the surface of his skin, a pins and needles sensation that threatened to break through at any moment. And what will happen once it does? He couldn't say, and knowing that terrified him.

"Akito!" Tohru let out a strangled cry, and he silenced her at once with a fierce look.

"You need to leave," he said, enunciating each word in a way that emphasized of how serious he was, and to his relief, she finally started walking way.

"I...I know you're upset," she said, her footsteps halting "But Akito, I want you to know that I'm still here for you. If...if you ever need someone to talk to, or even if you just want company, you only need to ask."

He waited until he couldn't hear her anymore before sinking to his knees in the grass. He wanted to do so many things at once. He wanted to scream, to break something with his bare hands. Instead, he settled for staring blankly at the ground.

So this is what it's like. He'd never imagined in a million years that he would be in this position, that he would care for a woman enough to feel the sting of her rejection.

He hated it. In fact, it may have been the worst feeling he'd ever experienced. Worse than any illness he'd endured, worse than any ache or pain that had wracked his body.

What am I going to do?

He stalked back in the direction of the Main House, already formulating a plan in his mind. I'll start with the cat, he decided immediately. I'll order him to be brought to my rooms, where I will then proceed to inflict as much suffering on him as possible.

All of his instincts were screaming at him to do this, to storm into the house and give the order. Hatori wouldn't like it, of course, but he would comply. He wouldn't have a choice.

He threw open the door, nearly knocking two maids over as he barreled down the main hall. He sucked in a great gulp of air, ready to bellow Hatori's name at the top of his lungs. But something stopped him.

It wasn't...guilt, exactly. Guilt would imply that he felt remorse for wanting to hurt Kyo. And he didn't, not really. In fact, as far as he was concerned, the cat deserved God's scorn. Everything is his fault. This was something Akito had always inherently known to be true.

So why was there a part of him that felt like that sounded insane?

Is it really Kyo's fault that Tohru chose him over me? Or is it my fault for being too unworthy?

It was as he was pondering this question that a timid voice behind him said, "Um… excuse me? M-master Akito, sir?"

Akito nearly jumped out of his skin. Damn it, that's the second time someone has surprised me today!

He whirled, only to find a young, black-haired woman staring back at him. She wore a white kimono trimmed in red, and she lowered her head promptly when his blazing eyes found hers. She must be an attendant. He didn't recognize her, though he realized that that didn't necessarily mean she didn't work for him.

She continued standing silently with her head bowed, and Akito prickled with annoyance, both at himself for not recognizing someone who tended his house, and at her for treating him like he was someone of great import.

Doesn't she know by now that I'm not divine? Don't they all know?

"I...I am sorry to disturb you, sir, but th-there's something I must…"

She fell silent, and Akito's eyes flashed with impatience. "What is it?" he said harshly. "Speak."

Finally, the maid lifted her head. "I...I know this is a lot to ask, and perhaps I shouldn't be coming to you, but...I don't know who else to..."

"Speak." Akito's voice was sharper that time, and the maid responded by dropping to her knees in front of him.

"Please, sir, you…you must help. She hasn't had anything to eat or drink in days, and I..." She winced, as if recalling something unpleasant. "I know that by telling you this I am going expressly against my mistress's wishes. But I can't...it isn't right. I can't just let her die, sir! I can't-"

"You can't, what?" Akito demanded. "Who are you talking about?"

Her lower lip trembled. "One of your zodiac, sir," she whispered, covering her face with her hands. "Isuzu."

After Shigure left, Ren stepped out of the house again, this time with a very specific destination in mind.

The outsider. Ren had spotted the girl at a distance earlier. She'd been headed toward the Main House, presumably to visit Akito. Shigure's arrival had forced Ren to postpone any plans to investigate, and now that he was gone, she was finally free to carry out her objective.

She strode purposefully up the walkway that led to the Main House, though she didn't get far before a flash of brown hair caught her eye. Ren pivoted in the direction of the movement. As luck would have it, it was the esteemed Tohru Honda herself, walking at a brisk pace with her head down. She was coming from the direction of the gardens. Ren tried to catch her eye, but the girl didn't appear to be aware that anyone was watching.

"You, there!" Ren called, changing direction. She broke into a half-run when the girl didn't react. "Stop!"

Tohru Honda froze, her head turning slowly toward Ren's voice.

"Yes," Ren said when the girl regarded her with a puzzled look, "I'm talking to you." She beckoned her over with a hand, and Tohru Honda glanced dazedly in all directions before obeying.

"Honda, isn't it?" Ren said when the outsider was but a few paces away. "I've heard much about you," she continued, not waiting for a response, "though until now we've yet to properly meet." She plastered on a false smile, a smile that the girl made no attempt to return. "Let's remedy that, shall we? My name is-"

"I know who you are."

The outsider wore a somber expression, and Ren found herself taken aback by this. Where is the rosy-cheeked simpleton my informants have told me so much about? Surely that girl and the one in front of her could not be the same person.

"He looks just like you," Tohru Honda said suddenly. "Beautiful. Except…the eyes. Those are his father's." She paused, her gaze intense enough to leave Ren feeling slightly unsettled. "I wonder…is that why you can't stand to look at him? Why you do everything you can to make him hurt? Are you…are you punishing him for living, when his father didn't?"

The audacity of this girl! Ren loathed the calmness in her voice. There was a quiet defiance to it, like she knew she was crossing a line, but didn't care. Doesn't she know whom she's speaking to?

"How dare you? Don't you know the many ways in which I can make you hurt? Just ask your friend Isuzu what happens when you trifle with me."

The words left her mouth before she'd had time to properly consider their consequences, but the girl's reaction made it worth the while. Her blue eyes bulged from their sockets, breath hitching as she said in a rush, "Isuzu? Where is she? Is she all right? Please. You have to tell me-"

"On the contrary," Ren retorted, "I don't have to do anything. You, on the other hand, are at a crossroads. Either cease your efforts to break the zodiac curse, or suffer. This is my first and final warning."

Again, something that looked very much like defiance flashed in Tohru Honda's eyes, though she seemed to think better of it a moment later. "Please," she said. "Isuzu has people who love her, who worry about her. They miss her, and they want her home. I want her home. If you don't let her go-"

Ren struck the girl across the face, hard enough that blood trickled from one of her nostrils. "That sounded an awful lot like a threat. And I don't tolerate threats from anyone, least of all, from outsiders."

Tohru Honda wiped the blood from where it had begun to dribble down her chin. "Maybe he was right. About you." She ducked her head, as if expecting another blow at any moment. "He said that you're cruel and unyielding. He said...he said that you have nothing but hate in your heart." She wiped her hand on her dress, the violent red a stark contrast to the cheery yellow fabric. "I don't know if that's true. I hope it isn't. But...I want you to know that I'm not going to let anything happen to Akito. I will free him, and..." Her voice wavered, only to resume a moment later in the form of an almost inaudible whisper. "And there's nothing you or anyone else can do to stop me."

It was clear that she'd had to summon a great deal of strength to say those final words, and knowing that infuriated Ren all the more. She snarled, slapping her again. "Arrogant brat! I warned you, but if you will not listen, then I shall have no choice but to teach you the very same lesson I taught Isuzu!"

Ren seized her forearm. The girl yelped, and for a moment, Ren just stared into her bloody, stricken face. She's so plain. So placid, so…unremarkable. What, she wondered, could her son possibly see in her? The boy had many failings, but the one thing she'd always thought she'd passed on to him was her good taste. Apparently, she was mistaken.

"Is it true?" she asked, the question earning her nothing but a blank stare from the outsider. "I didn't believe it at first, but after what you just said, I'm inclined to wonder…" She gripped the girl's arm tightly enough to make her gasp. "Do you love my son?"

It was a simple question, though for some reason, Tohru Honda looked like she dreaded answering. "I…I-"

"Tohru!" a voice shouted, and Ren turned to glare furiously in the direction of the intruder.

It was one of the zodiac, the little blonde boy who was always skipping up and down the sidewalk with a lollipop in his mouth. The rabbit? It didn't matter. He was beneath her notice. Ren pointedly ignored him as he approached.

"What happened?" he exclaimed, his face ashen.

She didn't realize who the question was directed at until the boy's head snapped toward her. "What have you done?" he shouted with more anger than Ren had thought him capable of displaying. But she wasn't intimidated. He may be one of the zodiac, but at the end of the day, he is still a child. Powerless.

"Exactly what I ought to have done. The insolence of this girl is confounding. If she continues to act out against me, I will-"

"You will do nothing," the rabbit-boy said, clearly furious. "If you remember, Akito forbade you from interfering in zodiac matters long ago-"

"This is not," Ren hissed, "a zodiac matter." She yanked on Tohru Honda's arm, and the girl stumbled before planting both feet firmly in the ground, a silent but effective resistance. "She is an outsider!"

"An outsider that is under his protection." The rabbit-boy crossed his arms over his chest. "An outsider he cares for." He shook his head at Ren in disgust before taking the girl's other arm. "Come on, Tohru. Let's get you to Hari. He'll have you all patched up in no time." He began leading her away, and Ren let them go, albeit reluctantly.

They're going to tell Akito about this. Ren knew that for certain. She also knew her son would not take kindly to her knocking around the girl he loved, and she suspected that he would respond swiftly and in kind: with violence. It was the only thing he knew, after all.

I need to be prepared. And for now, the best way to do that was by sequestering herself off from the rest of the family. I'll have guards surrounding the house at all times, she thought as she walked briskly back in the direction of her home. I'll tell them no one is permitted to enter without my approval, not even God.

Most Sohma attendants would quake in their shoes at the thought of openly denying Akito anything. But not Ren's. Hers were loyal to her and no one else. A few of them would probably even die for her. She had them, and she had the moral high ground in all of this as well.

And that was how she knew that, ultimately, victory would be hers.

She brought him to the cat's confinement chamber, of all places. Revulsion washed over Akito at the sight of the small dilapidated building. Even though it was obvious the maid wanted to go inside, he found himself unable to do anything but stand by the door.

"In here?" he asked, incredulous, and the maid gave a shaky nod of her head.

Akito nodded too before taking a deep breath and motioning for her to push the door open. It was clear that the place hadn't been cleaned in years; the putrid scent of rot and mildew greeted him as he stepped inside, and Akito couldn't help feeling angry, not just for Isuzu, but for anyone who might be forced to endure such conditions.

Then he remembered who, exactly, had been condemned to live here, and he felt a little less bad.

He threw open the door leading to the cell at the back of the building, only to stop dead in his tracks. Isuzu lie sprawled on the floor, her dark hair spilling around her head in long, choppy layers. Akito didn't waste another moment before rushing forward. He pulled on the bars, but the cell was locked.

"Do you have the key?" he asked the maid, who shook her head.

"No. My mistress has it."

Akito didn't ask who her mistress was. He didn't need to. This whole thing had Ren's name written all over it.

"I thought about taking it from her," the maid continued, her throat bobbing. "But I...I couldn't do it. I'm sorry." She hung her head, shrinking into herself as she whispered, "I'm such a coward."

Akito was too busy thinking to comment. "Do you know who Dr. Hatori Sohma is?" he asked after a long moment, and the maid nodded. "Go to him. Tell him everything you've already told me. If there is a second key to this cell, he will know where to find it."

The maid began shuffling from the room, but before she could leave, Akito said loudly, "You aren't a coward."

At that, the girl froze in the doorway. She looked alarmed, and Akito didn't know why, but he suddenly found himself wanting to assure her that she wasn't in danger.

"On the contrary," he said, "what you've done takes a great deal of courage." He inclined his head in a show of respect. "What is your name?"

She toyed with a stray strand of hair that had come loose from her bun. "S-Sakura, sir. Sakura Matsuda."

A common name, Akito thought immediately. One that will be easy to forget. He resolved not to allow himself to do so. "On behalf of the zodiac, I thank you, Miss Matsuda. And you don't need to worry about my mother. I will see to it that you are protected from her."

Sakura gaped at him as if he'd just dropped a horde of gold at her feet. "I...th-thank you! Thank you so much, sir!" She bowed deeply before hurrying off, stumbling several times in her haste.

The door clanged shut, and Akito approached the cell, bringing himself as close to the sleeping horse as the bars would allow. Or at least, he hoped she was asleep. "Isuzu?"

He thought she hadn't heard, but a split-second later, her eyes shot open. She turned her head, as if sensing that someone else was in the room, and when she saw the zodiac god, she scurried back, panicked.

"Akito?" Her red-rimmed eyes were wide and fearful. "No…this has to be a dream."

"I assure you, it is not," Akito said matter-of-factly. "One of Ren's maids led me to you."

He studied her a moment, taking in every sign of the abuse she'd suffered. Her dress was torn in several places, her face dirty and tear-streaked. Deep scratches marred her arms, and her hair…Akito was used to seeing Isuzu's waist-length black hair looking sleek and well-combed. Now, it was as if a child had taken a pair of kitchen shears to it.

"My mother did this to you." He didn't phrase it as a question, and Isuzu didn't interpret it as one. She regarded him through narrowed eyes.

"I assume you've come to take a few shots at me as well?"

Akito drew himself up at the accusation. Because she couldn't really mean that. Could she?

He realized almost right away how ridiculous of a question that was. Have I not threatened, insulted, and terrorized Isuzu on multiple occasions? Yes, and it didn't matter that he'd been out of control. He was tired of pretending that being cursed nullified his actions, that everything he'd ever done was right and justified when he knew, down in some deep crevice of his heart, that that wasn't true.

"Even if you aren't the person you'd like to be right now, it's okay. Maybe one day you will be…you just have to be willing to take that first step…"

Thinking of Tohru was enough to send a pang of regret through his chest.

She'll never love you the way you want her to.

Akito squeezed both of his hands into fists. Even so, the fact remained that she didn't believe him to be a monster. And that at least counted for something. Didn't it?

He sank down to the floor. "No," he told Isuzu. "I'm getting you out of here."

He thought this statement would come as a relief, though instead she regarded him with even more suspicion. "Why? The only reason you would ever help me is if it served you somehow."

Perhaps that would have been true, once. "I don't know why my mother has done this to you," he said. "But it doesn't matter. She is in the wrong, and once you are free, I will see to it that she is dealt with accordingly."

Isuzu didn't say anything to that. She probably didn't believe him.

"The maid said that my mother has been depriving you of food and drink. Is that true?"

Instead of answering, the horse attempted to stand, only for her legs to give out and send her crashing back down to the ground an instant later. "Of course she has," she said through gritted teeth. "What would be the point in keeping me here if she didn't get to make me suffer as much as possible?"

Actually, Akito had to confess that he was surprised by the way Ren was handling things. Slow, agonizing torture was not generally her style. Yes, she was brutal, though in his experience, her punishments tended to be swift. What could Isuzu have possibly done to make her go through all this trouble?

Anger rushed through his veins, and the emotion must have shown on his face, because Isuzu said, "I didn't think it was possible, but...you really are different, aren't you?" She stared at him, clearly expecting a response. But Akito didn't know what to say. What could he say? He wanted to believe that the last few weeks had changed him, though the truth was that he didn't feel any different inside.

"I'm trying to be," he said simply, hoping Isuzu wouldn't pry further.

To his relief, the horse seemed content to leave things at that. She nodded her head stiffly before looking away. "She really is something, isn't she?"

Akito didn't need to ask whom she was referring to.

"It's like she reaches down into the deepest part of your soul and just…" She shook her head, frustrated by her inability to find the right words. "She sees people, not for who they are, but for who they could be."

"Yes," Akito mumbled. It felt odd–awkward, even—to be having a normal conversation like this with Isuzu. To be agreeing with her. "She is unlike anyone I have ever met."

"Which is why you're trying to be different."

Akito closed his eyes. "Yes." Admitting the depth of his regard for Tohru felt like weakness. But he could deny it no longer. He loved her, and even though she had hurt him, even though she had made it clear that she didn't return his feelings, the zodiac god couldn't find it in himself to retract them.

"I know she's forgiven you," Isuzu said. "But I want you to know that I haven't. I probably never will, either."

She scowled, resting her hands on her knees, and Akito couldn't help bristling under her reproachful stare. "What," he shot back, "are you saying you'd rather I left you here?"

He wished he could take the words back as soon as he'd said them. Isuzu straightened, fixing him with a look that was nothing short of murderous. "I knew your true self would shine through if I pushed the right buttons." She leaned forward, her voice lowering. "You don't fool me. Despite what you said, you're not doing this because you want to help. You're doing it because you want to know what her reaction will be." She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "And I guess that's better than nothing. But the truth is that if you really want to change, it has to be because you want to. Otherwise, it won't last."

Is she right? Akito wondered. Did I really come here with the sole intent of proving that I have goodness within me? He wouldn't deny that it had certainly been a factor. After all, what better way to make Tohru see him in a different light than by doing something heroic?

But was that really the only reason he'd come?

No. The answer entered his mind without any need for second guessing. The moment he'd realized Isuzu was in trouble, he'd jumped into action, and that knee-jerk response hadn't had anything to do with wanting to impress Tohru. No, there was more to all of this that Isuzu wasn't seeing, and that was that Akito actually wanted to be better. Really, he always had. He'd just thought his future was bleak and not worth fighting for.

But that was before he met Tohru. No, before he really met her.

"You aren't wrong," he told Isuzu. "But you are wrong in your assumption that I'm doing all of this for her. She may be the reason I saw that change was possible, but she is not the reason that I wanted it in the first place."

He stood and brushed the dirt from his sleeves. "I'm getting you something to drink," he announced. "I have a feeling this will take a while."