Embers Chapter 16: Thinking is Overrated, a cyborg 009 fanfic

(: Author's note: Hello and welcome to Chapter 16: the second edition. I've done some reediting to what you've already read and I've added a long bit to the end of it. Fan fiction is something that evolves and this fic has just had it's first evolution post-posting. I'm leaving the old version of chapter 16 up for now, but I'll add a note to it about this being the actual chapter 16.

Not that you all really care about that . . . Let's skip to something I know you will.

Thank you GoldAngel2 for beta reading the new piece of this chapter and reviewing the old one.

Thank you Kris Ice; Strata; and jet777 for reviewing Chapter 16: the first edition.

Here's hoping you enjoy the additions :) :)

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If there was one thing that Jet absolutely despised, it was brooding. Brooding was probably one of the most useless things a person could waste their time doing. It served no purpose and it usually made whatever problem being brooded about worse. A simple thing could become a snarled, complicated mess with enough brooding.

Which was why he was absolutely furious with himself now. Ever since Mrs. Malley had left, he'd been going over their conversation and that promise that she'd extracted from him. Over and over again. In excruciating detail. Wondering about Mrs. Malley's reasons for even bringing the topic up at all.

And why? That was the most frustrating part: he had no idea why he was doing it. That Mrs. Malley was obviously insane, stupid or both - why was he giving her words any credence at all? If he was smart, he'd put the whole matter right out of his head and forget having had that conversation.

Unfortunately, his brain had latched on to that promise she'd extorted and would not let it go. It wasn't that he ever wanted to hurt Cathy but he hadn't been in the position to make that kind of promise in the first place. That was the sort of promise fathers made their daughters' dates agree to on TV. It didn't apply to him and he wasn't sure he ever wanted it to.

He liked Cathy: it seemed that he must seeing as he cared about her and trusted her or, at least, he thought so. Considering the fact that she'd only been civil with him for a little more than a day, at this point, any relationship he'd considered having with Cathy didn't extend beyond simple friendship.

And there was no guarantee that he had any hope of getting that much. Even if Cathy's kindness was fueled by more than just gratitude, he was leaving and would probably never see her again - what kind of friendship would that be?

But now, thanks to Mrs. Malley and her overactive imagination, he found himself considering a relationship with Cathy where her promise would apply. He didn't know as he'd want a serious relationship with her (or with anyone, really), but he found himself going over the pros and cons of the idea anyway.

There were a lot of cons.

First and foremost was, of course, the fact that he doubted Cathy would be interested. Yes, she was being very nice and very understanding but that didn't mean that she'd want more than friendship and it didn't even mean that she wanted that. He could only imagine what she'd do if she knew what he was thinking about. He couldn't imagine that she'd be very happy.

Even if she was, for sake of argument, there would still be problems. Cathy was part of a set - Jimmy would always be part of the bargain. Jet cared for the kid quite a bit but . . . to go from bachelorhood to fatherhood . . . The thought of that much responsibility, frankly, scared him.

As his comrades liked to point out to him from time to time, he was a bit of a hot head. He didn't have the patience or the skill or the anything to be a father. His own father hadn't been the best, but Jet knew from remembering him that there was more to being a father than telling stories every once and a while. There was a commitment.

A commitment he could not make.

His comrades were important - they were the only family that he had left. Whatever they asked of him, he would do all in his power to give. This mission he was going on when Doctor Gilmore fixed him was a perfect example: he had his own personal doubts about it but he'd refused to let that stop him from going where he was needed.

Thinking of that mission reminded Jet of the other reason why a relationship with Cathy would be a bad idea. Even with Black Ghost gone, there would no doubt be times when he would be needed. And any job that would need his help would be a dangerous one. How could he ask anyone to be a part of his life knowing that, one day, he could be killed?

Yes, a relationship with Cathy would be an all-around bad idea.

But that was just for sake of argument. As it stood, he'd be willing to bet that she wasn't interested and he knew that he wasn't. Not at all. Not even a little. At least, he didn't think he was -

Jet sighed and rubbed his eyes. Enough was enough. This wasn't getting him anywhere and it was high time he stopped brooding about it. Leaning back, he forced the whole subject to the back of his mind and tried to focus on what was on TV.

It turned out to be surprisingly easy to do as Julia had chosen that moment to take her roast out of the oven. This was the best part of any cooking show, the point where the chief took their creations off the heat and set up a plate. It was strange though, he'd never really appreciated people who could cook until he'd come back to New York and realized that he wasn't any good at it.

It had really made him wish that he'd paid more attention and had helped Chang when he'd had the chance. Maybe then he wouldn't have to watch cooking shows to remember what good food looked like. And it always looked so good ...

Why he tortured himself like this, he didn't know.

As absorbed as he was in watching Julia putting the final touches on her meal, he didn't notice Cathy was there until she sat down next to him. He felt his heart jump and wondered what the heck he was so nervous about. The woman had helped him bathe and he was getting nervous because she was sitting next to him?

Damn that Mrs. Malley and her stupid promise!

Cathy didn't appear to notice. "Is Jimmy awake yet?"

Jet shook his head, wishing his heart would settle back into his chest where it belonged.

"Oh," she said. She sounded disappointed.

Jet couldn't really understand why she should be disappointed but felt compelled to say something anyway. "He looked pretty beat. I wouldn't expect him to get up for a while yet."

She nodded and looked like she was about to say something else when she glanced at the TV. The glance turned into a look and she seemed entranced for a moment. "What are you watching?"

"Julia Child," Jet answered easily, letting go of his nervousness as shock blossomed on her face. It was a very funny look for her and he resisted the urge to laugh with difficulty. "She's a good one to watch but I like Chef Judy (1) better."

She stared at him as if he'd grown another head. "You watch cooking shows?"

He crossed his arms, amusement fading into annoyance. "Yeah, so?" He wanted to say 'Wanna make something of it,' but he figured that that would be a little immature. Not that he usually cared about such things . . .

"Well," Cathy began hesitantly before shrugging, "I just wouldn't have thought that you'd like them, that's all."
Jet got the distinct feeling from her tone that he was being insulted somehow. "Why not?"

She held her hands up in surrender. "No reason, it's just -" Cutting herself off, she smiled. "Do you cook much?"

She was changing the subject and Jet decided to let her. He was not in the mood to get into an argument about this and if she didn't either, it suited him just fine. "Sometimes."

"Any good at it?"

Pride warred with honesty and it came down to a close tie. "It's not as easy as they make it look," he said slowly, trying to be honest but not wanting to lose face, "but I think I'm getting the hang of it." It wasn't really a lie: he might not be able to make fancy dinners but he was getting good at cooking things that came in boxes. Or bags. And water always came out well.

"I'm not the best cook there is, but, if you want, you could come down to dinner every once and a while." Cathy looked embarrassed and she quickly added, "I'm sure Jimmy would love to have you."

Jet was at once touched and melancholy. Touched that Cathy would think of inviting him (even if she did add that part about Jimmy to cover it up) and melancholy because he knew that he'd never be taking her up on that offer. "Why not," he forced out, trying to regain his composure, "I never say no to food."

She looked relieved. "I bet."

Silence stretched between them as the TV seemed to spark her interest and she began watching it intently. Jet tried to do the same but found that he couldn't. He was very aware of how close she was sitting and he thought that he smelled a hint of lavender. Probably the body wash - he'd seen it in the tub but hadn't used it because he'd thought that it was bad enough that his hair would smell like strawberries - he didn't need to smell like flowers too.

Jet shook his head. This was stupid. Why was he doing this to himself? Hungry for punishment? And didn't he already decide that he wasn't interested and that it wasn't a good idea even if he was?

Cathy's sigh drew his attention and he turned to face her. She looked tired and nervous but also determined as she looked back at him. "Jet, did you mean what you said before?"

He narrowed his eyes, trying to think of what she might be talking about, before giving up. "Depends on what I said." He smiled in an effort to break the tension her sudden question had caused.

It didn't work and her expression didn't change. "Back in the bathroom, when you asked about Daniel." She hesitated as if changing her mind before she pressed on. "Do you still want to know about it?"

"Yes" came out of his mouth before he could think of stopping it.

She seemed startled at the quick answer and she smiled weakly. "Is that your final answer?"(2)

"Huh?" Did she think he was jerking her around or something? "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," she sigh, waiving the question away. "It was just a joke."

From the way she'd said it, it probably wouldn't have been a gut buster even if he'd known what she was talking about. "Oh," he said, realizing she'd been waiting for a response. She shrugged a little and looked away from him.

As she visibly prepared herself for what was to come, Jet considered giving her an out. It was obvious that Daniel had hurt her a lot and that what she was going to talk about would be hard for her to say and hard for him to listen to. Jet knew his strengths and he knew that he was not always as sympathetic as he could be.

And, even when he was trying to be sympathetic, he usually said something that he should have kept to himself. Sometimes, he forgot that not everybody was as tough as he was. About the last thing he wanted to do was make Cathy mad at him again.

Or worse, make her cry.

"Cathy," he began.

She shook her head. "Please don't try to talk me out of it." Cathy smiled but it lacked life. "I might as well get this off my chest." Then she closed her eyes. "I just need to think of where to begin."

Rather than saying something flippant like "Well, I'm not going anywhere" or something trite like "Take as much time as you need," he drew upon his patience and waited for her to speak. Seeing as this was for his benefit, he figured he owed it to her not to make her rush. Luckily for him and his limited patience, he didn't have too long to wait.

Abruptly, she opened her eyes and asked a question that Jet had not been expecting. "Have you ever been in love?"

For a moment, Jet could only stare. What a question! He thought about it, recalling the crush he'd had on 003 when he'd first met her, but he decided that that probably wasn't what Cathy meant. He shook his head warily, wondering where she was going with this.

She smiled at him, looking sad. "Well, being in love isn't like the movies. Being in love is all about compromise. Give and take." Looking away from him, she focused her attention on her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. "And forgiveness."

She picked her head up and stared straight ahead, her eyes slightly unfocused as she remembered. "Daniel was not the best husband - he was lazy and stupid and he did a hundred things a day that annoyed me. He never helped me with the house work; he'd never pick Jimmy up from school and he hadn't earned money for years." Her laughter sounded bitter. "But, despite that, I loved him. And, I thought that he loved me.

"So, even when he annoyed me and when he made me angry, I forgave him because I loved him enough to take what he gave me in stride - or what he didn't give me." She looked at Jet, and gestured with her hand. "Do you know what it's like to forgive someone over and over and over again for the same thing?"

Forgiveness was not something that came easy to Jet. He was a full believer in an eye for an eye - if someone wronged him, they deserved to pay . . . Well, now that he was thinking about it, he suddenly realized how that wasn't quite true any more. If it was, he'd never have forgiven Doctor Gilmore for the part he'd played in his transformation into a cyborg.

Not that it hadn't him taken a long time. And that was with the man proving time and time again that he regretted what he'd done and that he actually cared about what happened to them. But that was a much different situation than what Cathy had described. If it had been him in that situation, he would have dropped this Daniel character like a bad habit.

However, Jet sensed that she would not appreciate him saying so and since he really had no desire to make this any harder for her, he just shook his head and said: "Can't say that I do."

"Well, it's exhausting!" She exclaimed, waiving her hand. Cathy seemed more animated now but Jet wasn't sure whether or not this was a good thing. "You spend so much energy hoping that this will be the last time, that he's going to make a fresh start and it's so hard to keep your cool when he dashes your hopes for the millionth time and you don't know who to be more angry at: him for not changing or yourself for getting your hopes up!"

As she'd been speaking her voice had become angrier and her face had flushed with color but then she abruptly slumped and sighed, her voice almost a whisper. "But the worst part is when you do all this forgiving and he never once says that he's actually sorry."

There was a long pause and Jet wanted to say something but he didn't know what. Cathy looked like she could use some comfort but he didn't know what to do. He wasn't good at this: he wasn't one of those people who could tell pleasing lies or find silver linings. And he wasn't very good at emotional scenes either.

But, if there was one thing that he was good at, it was following his instincts. He put his hand on Cathy's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

The smile she gave him when she looked up was the first genuine smile he'd seen since this conversation had started. But, before long, the smile faded. "It went on like that for years and, a little over two weeks ago, I had finally had enough. I had spent the last eight years forgiving that man and I was tired of it."

"So, I gave him an ultimatum: either he had to change or he had to go." She quirked up her lips, as though she was trying to smile. "As you can see, Daniel isn't here."

As the tears rolled down her cheeks and she buried her face into her hands, Jet could tell that his original assessment of this Daniel person had been right on the money: a real, world class creep. Broken leg or not, if he was here right now, Jet would punch him. More than once. It sounded like Cathy had been nothing but good to this lowlife and that jerk just cut out on her and Jimmy.

Watching her sob, Jet felt his anger grow. How could someone treat anyone this way? Where did that guy get off doing this to her? And why, why was she letting him make her cry like this? At length, he could take no more. "Stop it!" Not thinking about what he was doing, he grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. "Don't waste your tears on him - he doesn't deserve it!"

Cathy stared at him blankly for a moment, looking as shocked by his action as he felt. Then she put her hand over his and smiled a watery smile. "I know."

Jet didn't know how long they had stayed like that. Just staring at each other. It was like his mind had been shut off: he couldn't think of moving or looking away. He'd heard a song lyric a long time ago about being lost in someone's eyes and he'd never understood what it had meant. He thought he might now.

He felt like he could stay that way forever.

"Mommy!"

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(1) This refers to a cooking show mentioned in a double drabble I wrote called "A Chef Grows in Brooklyn." It's so much fun citing my own stuff :)

(2) This refers to that show "Who Wants to be a Millionare?" that had what's his name on it.