O My Lord Valentine
---Chapter Five

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.
Warnings in this Chapter: This is where the yaoi comes out, folks.
Author Note: Thank you for my first reviews. Though few in number, I'm happy to know no flames have crossed my path. In thanks, I give you a chapter with a more extended plot, more stuff going on, and um...slightly more yaoiness. Because yaoi is love.

"We went to have fun!" complained Cid as the Highwind flew farther and farther from the Gold Saucer. His fist hit the mahogany table, causing everyone to jump. "We went to get poor Vinny laid, and look what happened! This no-good Turk is stalkin' ya, Vinny!"

"I'm not stalking him, old man. Time's running out for me and I need him to show me how to be the ultimate Turk."

Cait Sith snickered. "No. Reno wants his body." Red XII laughed too.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothin'."

Barret crossed his bulky arms. "Well we don't appreciate your harassin' our vampire."

"I'm not a vampire," said Vincent. "I am a scientifically-altered experiment from the--"

"Bowels of hell!" His gun arm flailed in the air as he made an urgent scene of things. "We don't care what you are! Now Reno! You woke us all up at four o'-damn-clock. You can act normal, can't ya?!"

"Yes," he said calmly.

"Good! So here's the thing: Vinny here needs himself a woman--"

"Barret, no," Vincent pleaded.

"--and we need you and Rude to get your Turk asses out of our ship. So Vincent teaches you whatever the hell he's doin', and you get him a nice girl he can...um..."

"Fuck," Red whispered to Cait.

"Would you two shut up?! Oh...yeah. Fuck!"

"Oh, is that all?" said Reno. "Lord Valentine requires a mistress?"

Rude stood by Barret, shaking his shiny head. "Please forgive him. His job is all that keeps him sane."

"Yeah, I can get him a lay." (Vincent collapsed at the table, hiding in his hair.) "As a matter of fact, I know the perfect girl."

"Girl, right?" Cid repeated, cupping one hand to his ear. "You said, 'girl?'"

"Ahem." Tifa rubbed her hands together.

"Yes. And that girl is Scarlett."

Tifa's mouth dropped five stories.

Vincent gulped. "Scarlett? Shinra's Head of Weapons Development?"

"Oh yes. She beds all the cute guys."

Rude twitched. "My respect for you is waning."

Vincent felt his mood begin to plummet when he thought of his newfound job. The one that didn't require skulking around some seedy club. Turks bad. AVALANCHE good. He'd figured that long ago. So how could he get rid of Rude and Reno without going against his team?

"I don't want Scarlett," Vincent said firmly into the table once again. "If anything I'd like to be left alo--" All of a sudden he screamed out "YUFFIE!"

"Yuffie? You want her?"

"Yuffie is still in Wutai!" Cid said.

"Hmph." Yuffie sat on the steps of the Pagoda with her head in her hands. "Note to self: never make Cloud mad again. Ever." She shook her bag full of Materia she'd promised herself to return, knowing good and well that she missed their trip to the Gold Saucer. The sun told her it had to be ten o' clock at least. Maybe they weren't even coming.

As she let out a peeved sigh a loud whirring noise hovered past her head. "It's the Highwind!" Springing up, Yuffie dashed down the path to chase down Cid's airship. "Wait for me, you guys! I'm over here!"

"Seen a chick named Yuffie around?" Reno's cheery smile was contagious, even to the bartender of Turtle's Paradise. "Yuffie Kisaragi?"

Vincent stood by and watched at a safe distance. He figured he'd have to take note of Reno's behavior if he wanted to look like he knew what he was doing.

"Yes I have. Last I saw her was over by the Pagoda."

"Thank ya. Say, can you get me your special for the day--"

"Reno." Vincent placed a hand on his shoulder. "Good Turks don't veer off-course."

"Oh. Right! Sorry 'bout that!" Vinny flinched when Reno patted him on the back, but they left the tavern together, side by side.

"Wow, Vin, it's amazing we got away from that Cid character."

Vincent didn't reply. He'd had a hard enough time being alone with this...nutjob. No matter how bright his smile, there was something that wouldn't allow him to just...

"Loosen up, Vinny-boy! Look, she's right there." He pointed toward the Wutai Item Shop. Cloud and Cid watched Yuffie jump up and down, swinging their Materia like a gay schoolgirl. "Looks like she's been bored."

"Indeed."

One of those dreaded awkward moments fell on them like a blanket. Vincent poked at the crevices in his synthetic arm. Reno looked around like something had actually fallen on them. When Vincent looked up, Reno had focused on Vincent's face, and smiled that contagious smile.

"...Reno?"

With a swift and painful jerk Reno dragged him back to Turtle's Paradise. "C'mon now, let's get ourselves some drinks!"

"Wait! Good Turks don't...do this!"

Sure, second-in-command Reno had the skills, but he just didn't have the self-control. "Another round, please!" he hollered, grinning with intoxication. "For my buddy here, too!"

How odd, Vincent thought, sipping at the weakest drink he could find. This is truly a quagmire. A dilemma with no end and no beginning. One of Cid's favorite places to take me...are also one of Reno's...

"Hey Vinny-boy."

Vincent watched him from under his thick raven hair with questioning eyes. At least he had the sense to not call him "lord" or "master" in public.

"You're so quiet, Vinny-boy! C'mon, check out some of the girls! S'what you're here for, y'know?"

"Oh. I, um..." He slowly grazed over the entire room. There were a lot of women around for so early in the morning, and, like in anime, every single one of them looked flawless.

"Which one do ya like, eh?" Reno speared Vincent's arm with his elbow. "Or do ya go for guys more?"

"What...did you say...?"

"WHERE'D THAT BASTARD GO!"

Red and Cloud tried to keep Cid under control, but as many times as they sat him down he'd just bounce back up again and attempt to bum rush the door. Cloud had his shoulders. Red, lacking those wonderful things called thumbs, resorted to biting Cid's back belt loop and yanking him back to his chair. "I don't trust 'em with Vinny, ya hear me? We gotta watch 'em!"

Red's tail wagged furiously. "Cid, you must trust Vincent to handle Reno on his own. He's a big boy now."

"No he ain't! He'll always be my little boy!"

"Say that one more time?"

"NO!"

Yuffie smiled, sitting with her legs folded by Cait Sith. "I don't know what's going on, but it's so cute!"

Cait fell forward on his Mog. "So this is what happens when you take Cid's Vincent away..."

Rude stood next to them, grinning, up until he heard his phone ring. Now frowning miserably, he put it to his ear.

"Rude, it's Elena. We need you and Reno here now!"

"Elena, we...Reno is currently tied up at the moment. Undergoing...whatever he's doing with Valentine."

"Well we're gonna need just you then, 'cuz...Who's that yelling?"

"Oh, that's um...Turk Valentine's, um..."

Cait whispered "Husband."

Yuffie whispered "Father!"

Cloud yelled from across the room "Bitch-ass boyfriend!"

"His bitch-ass boyfriend, Elena."

"Oh!" she said. "Is something wrong?"

"I believe he's jealous."

"Of what?"

Cait whispered "His butt."

Yuffie whispered "His luck!"

Red growled "That Reno's got him all to himself!"

"He thinks Reno's getting lucky, Elena."

"Reno's gay?"

"Oh. Um...Yes. Or no. Or...I'm sorry, I just don't know anymore."

"Ain't you ever kissed a girl before, Vinny-boy?"

Vincent was now left with no sort of comfort whatsoever. He twiddled his thumbs on the counter. "Perhaps I did. But I don't remember."

"Aw, poor guy." Reno leaned forward against Vincent, to Vinny's utter shock. "That's, okay," he said slowly, his voice shaking. "You can kiss me for practice."

"R-R-Reno! Good Turks don't throw themselves drunk at their mentors!"

But Reno just wasn't listening. Despite the jeers and gasps from bystanders he leaned even more into Vincent, drunkenly grinning ear to ear. "Don't ya wanna take someone home with you, Vinny-boy? Well you can't pick no one up if they're too soggy from sloppy kissin'! I mean, shoooot! That'sh jus' nasty! So go on, I'll help ya, Vinny-boy!"

"God almighty, no!"

He tried to hold Reno back with just one hand, knowing his synthetic fingers were likely to tear some flesh. Reno was too high and happy to notice he'd practically sat on Vincent's lap, and now proceeded to draw closer to Vincent's lips in what might be the most beautiful-looking display of intoxicated public foolishness of all time. Vincent couldn't get away. Reno closed his eyes, and...

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

A mad burst of lightning struck everyone in the room, and in seconds the team lay in ruin. Yuffie had apparently died again, this time on Rude, who was just as dead. Cait Sith's roly-poly Mog tilted forward and back, forward and back, while the cat's ear twitched on top. Tifa lay motionless on the floor, remarkably resembling an overused prostitute, and Barret, poor Barret, fell forward when the bolt hit, and now his butt rose triumphantly in the air, the rest of him flat on the ground.

Cloud fell into a chair, gripping his beloved sword, a hickory-smoked expression on his face. Red trembled behind the chair, chewing on whatever it was in his mouth. "Ergh...What...happened?"

Tifa shook her head, slowly pushing herself off the floor. "A storm?"

"No," Red said, gnawing on that unknown thing in his mouth. Everyone started to slowly come to their senses, when Red noticed Cloud in the chair. Cid's chair. He spit the thing out; Cid's back belt loop. "Oh no!"

"What?" Cloud said.

"We've got to save Reno!"

AN: Yes, I think I'll leave you hanging before Reno and Vincent's kiss. I didn't want this story to be quite so conspicuous, but oh, how that scene just stuck in my head. Cliffhanger time.

Again, please tell me what you think, so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself.