O My Lord Valentine
---Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own...oh hell, I'm tired of typing this...
Warnings in this Chapter: Reno violates Vincent. Total disdain of original Huge Materia plot. Yayness.
Author Note: It takes a moment to get to any funny stuff in this chapter, on account of keeping the plot going down its straight course. But here's another hint: Rufus. I will not end this chapter without causing his character some humiliation.

The cobblestone town looked flushed with anxiety, townspeople all over the place, all eyes on the elevator leading to the port and underground reactor. Night fell over the town, bugs buzzed around the outdoor lights. Tifa shuddered, remembering her gas chamber experience instantly. "I'll sit this one out at the Highwind, if you don't mind." Cid nodded as she turned around. Cloud pointed to Cid and Vincent, and soon everyone else turned tail as well. Except for Reno, who wasn't paying attention.

"I could've sworn," he mumbled to himself, "there was something I was supposed to do here..."

"No time for that now!" Cid yelled, making his way towards the elevator. "We got work to do!"

Vincent sighed as Cloud dropped two Materia into Reno's hand. "Remember Reno, you're on our side. This one's Comet, and this is Cure." Cid and Vincent already took the liberty of equipping their own favorites. Cid grumbled all the way to the elevator, missing the tradition of just three people on a mission at a time.

"Unacceptable." President Rufus of Shinra tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for his crew to warm up their machines. "You're taking far too long. The incompetence of you people is stunning. Simply stunning."

The large mechanical hook Rufus tarried on still hadn't budged.

Elena swayed her arms aimlessly, nervously biting her lip as she stood behind Rufus like a well-trained dog. Rude looked stiff as a board, listening to their submarine's crabby crew bark orders at each other. Beside Rufus stood his resident slut Scarlett, Head of Weapons Development. Wearing her evening dress, in an underwater constant danger zone, in the middle of the day. From the look on her face, she didn't see anything wrong with that.

With an irritated look, Elena whispered, "What's the President doing here? And Scarlett? Shouldn't they be plotting against Meteor?"

Rude barely moved when he nodded. "Scarlett supposedly arrived regarding the cannon," he whispered back. "As for Rufus, I'm not sure."

Rufus nodded as the booming sound of working machines roared in his ears. "Oh good. At least you got it working." The mechanical arms moved for all of three seconds, jerked forward once, and cut off once again. "I should've known. Scarlett, you stay here. I'll be--"

"BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Heidegger's donkey laugh entered the room, as did his hilarious jelly belly. "AVALANCHE will likely be here for the Materia! We've got soldiers everywhere guarding the fort!"

"That's very nice," said Scarlett, raising an eyebrow. "Now go away."

"But wait, there's more! There seems to be a problem with my Turks! RUDE! ELENA!"

They turned on their heels to face Heidegger. "Sir!"

"Where has Reno disappeared to? He's supposed to be loading the Materia."

Rude nodded, but didn't really answer the question. "I will be filling in Reno's duties, sir."

"Did I ask whose duties you were filling?"

"Er, no, sir. He's, um..."

Elena glanced around nervously. Gotta think of something that won't get Reno fired faster! "Reno is...visiting his sick..."

"His sick..." Rude rubbed his head. Sick what, sick what...

Heidegger pulled at his mustache. "Yes?"

"His sick mother in Midgar!" Elena's creativity struck with a vengence. "He didn't want anyone to know, but she's really sick! She has, like, herpes or something!" (First sickness that came to mind.) "And when he's done with that he has this plan to steal the Huge Materia from AVALANCHE, and he said he'd have to do it alone, and then he has to go to the hospital because his boyfriend is very sick! I mean, his GIRLFRIEND is sick! I mean, well...Boyfriend or girlfriend, Rude?"

"I just don't know," he said sadly.

"Well there you have it, sir. That's why he's not here." Elena had managed to distribute half of Reno's past successful excuses, all in one neat package. She looked very proud of herself.

"Oh. Very well then. When you put it that way, I'll allow him five more days of leave."

Rude and Elena dawned very pleasant smiles.

"But if he hasn't returned by noon Wednesday, he can consider his ass TERMINATED! BWAHAHAHAHAAA..." His laugh faded out just the way it had come. Rude and Elena sighed heavily in unison, feeling their own careers slipping away via stupid Reno.

Rufus's eyes had grown two sizes out of the norm. "Reno is gay?"

"We don't know," they said in unison.

Rufus froze completely. Scarlett just looked shocked, but Rufus--

"Sir?" said Rude. "Are you okay?"

Scarlett prepared herself to slap him in the face when Rufus snapped out of it. "Where is he...really?"

Rude and Elena exchanged nervous looks.

"If you value your jobs you'll tell me where he is."

Rude took a deep breath and stepped forward, piecing together some big words in his head. "Penetrating enemy defenses via deceptive maneuvers, sir."

"What do you mean by 'enemy defenses?'"

"AVALANCHE...sir."

Elena swallowed her tongue right then and there. Knowing what Reno was really after--what he told her, anyway--anything she could've said at that point was bound to cost them their jobs. Rumors had slowly been building in the Turks social network of the "Legend of the Ancient Turk," a mysterious experiment so powerful it had to be locked away in the basement of an old run-down mansion. Reno swore that Vincent was it. If Rufus knew that was what Reno was really after...

"So he's deceived AVALANCHE. That's good. He should have checked with Heidegger though. So Rude. Where is he now. Really."

"Sir, he's...um..."

"BUZZ OFF!" Cid swung his spear like a baseball bat to Reno's head. He hadn't counted on Reno to duck and hit Cloud instead. "Oh. Damn. Sorry 'bout that."

"Urgh..."

Reno stuck his tongue out at the disgrunted man, swinging his arm around Vincent's neck. "Missed me, old man!" The elevator's lack of space worked to his advantage as Vincent fell back onto the banister. "What's the matter, Lord Valentine? Nervous?"

"Reno...for the love of all things holy..."

"What's wrong?" he said in a deep, alluring voice. Vinny whimpered when Reno closed in on him. "Cat got your tongue?"

Cloud flinched when Reno felt the crack of Cid's spear. Cloud cringed and rubbed his head. The elevator groaned to a stop. "Er...Cid. Can you stop that?"

"Lord...Valentine..."

Cid raised his spear on impulse.

"WAIT!" Reno hid behind Vincent, whose face held no expression. "If you don't want to be attacked you'll listen to me!"

"That's RIGHT!" Cid swung his spear in the air. "You work for these goons!"

"Yeah, I'm aware of that. But hell, you're the one that came here!"

Cloud shrugged at Cid. "Should we run, then?"

"It might be too late," said Reno. "Rude is probably loading the ship as we speak."

Reno held his shoulders just a little too tight for Vincent.

"Then what should we, um...do..." Cloud trailed off as he watched Vincent swat at Reno, who also stood too close behind for his liking. This was not the time to be playing with Vinny's head, and Cid obviously agreed, yanking a new cig from the pack clasped under his goggles strap. Cloud knew he should've picked a different team... "Hey! I said what should we do!"

"Hey Vincent..."

"Hm? What are you...? CID!"

Tifa picked up her phone half an hour later.

"Tifa! TIFA! Send another team, hurry!"

"Huh? What happened, Cloud?" Sitting tensely in her seat, her high voice attracted everyone's attention. "Did you get caught? Are you in trouble?"

"We have to get back to the ship! Assemble a team and have them get the Materia!"

"What happened, Cloud? Tell me what happened!"

"Tifa, do you really want to know..."

Tifa did NOT want to know.

Yuffie, Red and Barret went to swipe the Huge Materia, and she wished she had gone with them. After watching Cloud storm back to the ship empty-handed, Cid and Reno trailing behind, lugging an unconscious Vincent Valentine with them, she knew the makings of a very embarrassing situation had unfolded. Cloud didn't say hello when he passed her. He just shook his head and growled.

"What did you DO to him?!" She ordered an explanation.

Reno looked down at his motionless lord on the Highwind deck and scratched his head sadly. "Nothin'."

"Oh, he did somethin', all right," grumbled Cid. "What I wanna know is who did what to his brain."

Cloud stepped up to tell the story. "We were trying to think up a plan and bust in there to get the Materia, but Reno here had to go and shock Vincent by...er..."

"Messin' in places where the sun don't shine."

Reno laughed it off. "It was only for a second--"

"TWO MINUTES!" both Cloud and Cid shouted.

Tifa slapped her forehead. "Wow..."

"Poor Vincent was scared to death, running around and around and around--"

"Uh-huh."

"And Reno was chasing him around and around--"

"Yep."

Reno smiled. "I was just bein' silly. You know. Ha ha? Hardy-har?"

"You cost us the fuckin' Materia!" Cid scathed.

"Hey, Cloud joined in, too!"

"No I didn't! No I didn't, Tifa! I was trying to stop him!"

"Oh, is that what you were doing?"

"ANYWAY. All this crazy shit was going on, and Cid started yelling--and you know how things get when he yells--and then the guards came and ambushed the elevator. And they were like, 'Should we leave you guys alone?' and then Reno was like, 'Oh no! Join on in!' And then Vincent passed out saying something about Lucrecia, and Cid and I beat up the soldiers, and we ran like mugs when the alarm went off."

"So you didn't get past the elevator," Tifa concluded. "If Aeris could see us now..."

Vincent groaned but didn't get up, like he was rolling in his grave already.

"Why did the alarm go off?" Rufus asked the soldiers dashing up to him. One stepped up to speak. Elena and Rude moved to either side.

"AVALANCHE has arrived, sir!"

"Oh. Was a Turk with them?"

"Oh hell yeah--I mean...yes sir."

Rufus glanced at Rude, whose expression hadn't changed. But under his shades he shed a small tear, and wondered what the hell Reno did.

"What area were they in?"

"Still in the, uh...elevator, sir."

"Did something unusual happen?"

"Yes sir. Copping a feel on another man, sir."

Rufus sputtered something that may've been a snicker, but instantly covered his mouth. Scarlett glared at him from behind.

"On...who...? Pray tell."

"Some creepy effeminate man in a red cape, sir."

"BAH!" He fell to his knees and clutched his stomach in an agony of laughter. He stopped to gasp, cackled again, rolled around once, running into Elena, then the other way, and pointed an amused finger at Scarlett. "I knew it! You owe me five gil!"

"President Shinra," she hissed. "A man in a red cape?"

"Pay me now, Scarlett."

"Could he be the Ancient Turk I've been hearing about?"

"No, Scarlett. He can't. And you can't escape paying me, either."

Professor Hojo sat happily in his big ol' lab full of nasty slimy creatures, plugging away at an animal's insides, completely unaware that the secret pesky man he hid away thirty years ago, had become nothing less than a career-saving Turkish legend.

AN: Um...okay. Maybe in the next chapter I'll try something more concrete. It took a long, long while to come up with this chapter. Please say so if you think it's crazy and needs to be contained. I'll definitely be getting more into this Legend of the Ancient Turk thing.