O My Lord Valentine
---Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did I'd revive Aeris as an evil pumpkin-wielding bitch-queen. It would be interesting.
Warnings in this Chapter: Er...that's a tough one today...
Author Note: This is actually Part Two of chapter eight, but I'm calling it Nine. Not one of my better works of crapness, but it's decent.

"Heh-heh-heh...mmm..."

"Reno, stop that..."

"I can't, you know I...Oh my God, Lord Valentine--"

"Have some, uh, self-control..."

Cid fumed with his ear against the door, his face curled into a sneer. Not one hour after he was barged in on by nearly the whole gang of them, Reno had locked himself away in a Highwind chamber, and who knows what sick things he'd been asserting unto poor Vinny. He'd been there for minutes, contemplating whether or not to throw open the doors and toss Reno from the moving ship.

"Heh-heh, self-control? Damn, Vinny-boy, look at this! You think that's possible?!...ah!..."

"Reno, please--"

"DAMN!"

"Reno..."

Cid bust open the door to find Vincent at a table with an unimpressed look on his face, first at the ice cream bowl in front of him, then at Cid. On the other side of the table, Reno was enjoying his sundae just a little too much.

"Cid, what's up? You've gotta try this ice cream, it's just orgasmic." Cid looked on in horror as Reno swallowed another bite of his sundae, leaned back in his chair, and let out a long whorish moan. "Aaaaaaah, that's some damn good ice cream!"

Vincent groaned, poking the melting treat with his spoon. He was not amused.

"Want some? You can have Vinny's. He's not ready for it."

"Shut up," said Cid. "Where the hell did you get ice cream from?"

"Where the hell did you get that ascot from?"

"It's not a fuckin' ascot!"

"Yes it is."

"No it ain't."

"Yes it is."

And it all went downhill from there. Vincent rubbed his temples roughly, feeling a headache coming on, and it certainly wasn't brain freeze. How could they be fighting so early in the day?

He'd ignored the whole issue of the Materia, as well as getting chased down by a horny Turk in an enemy elevator. Heck, he'd even tried to let that early-morning kiss slide. Both of them. But after all of that, here comes Cid and Reno again, fully prepared to bring him a royal pain in the ass. (And not a good one, at that.) Reno just finished poking Cid's scarf and telling a fairly lame Yo Momma joke when Vincent finally snapped.

"CUT IT OUT!" he hollared, shooting out of his seat.

Cid squeaked in fear. He didn't even notice Reno had latched onto him for protection.

"Don't you two have anything else on your minds than snapping at each other's throats?! It's been five days since we've let Reno on the ship and I haven't said a word about it! I've been patient with you...people!" He snatched the cigarette from Cid's mouth, threw it to the floor and mashed it with his boot. "No smoking!"

"V...Vinny, I--"

"Don't you 'Vinny' me, Cid. I've been knocked out; I've been violated--" He counted the offenses on his fingers, "--I've been harassed, and left to soak in a lake! And don't think I haven't noticed Cloud ogling me, 'cause I speak Choconese too! Actually I don't, but I knew they were talking about me. Those chocobos are plotting against me, I know it."

"Vin, are you okay?"

"No I am not okay! I'm repressed, Cid! So very repressed! Being the center of your tireless quarrel has laid yet another burden upon me. I'm a wandering god to the Turks and a...a...an object, to you people." His face turned from comically panicked to dreadfully resentful as he faced the floor in despair. "It's a competition, and I'm the prize."

Reno let go of Cid instantly, one hand on his shades. "Hey Vinny-boy, don't take it so hard. We're just--"

Cid covered Reno's mouth with his hand. "Vincent, I didn't mean it that way."

"I'm having emotional issues right now. Go." Vincent turned away with his eyes calmly closed, a bit too dramatically, sweeping his hand toward the door. "Don't let it hit you on the way out."

Vincent's emotional constipation reluctantly drove them both away, but not before Reno grabbed his ice cream and took another savored bite. The door slowly slid shut, leaving Vinny alone to dwell in his infamous angst.

His sharpened fingers idly sifted through his hair. He really hadn't meant to go ballistic right then, but somehow, in a glared and twisted way, it felt good to yell at his obsessive fans. Not once did he consider running after either of his "lovers." They'd come back, he figured, as they always seem to.

Vincent sat himself right back down by his bowl, dug his spoon into the mint chocolate treat, and took a careful bite.

...! Wow. This is good ice cream...

"Did you hear about the Ancient Turk?"

"Yeah. It's a myth, right?"

"Nuh-uh, the Ancient Turk is real! Reno is after him right now!"

Word of Vincent Valentine's presence spread like wildfire in the Turks society, and Reno had become no less than a brave and wandering warrior in their eyes. Unbeknown to Hojo, quaint stories morphed into extravagant (and almost truthless) tales of made-up histories and destinies and other mythical crap:

"I heard his name is Vincent, a vampire from beneath the town of Nibelheim who slaughters little girls..."

"Well I heard he's Vance, an evil and flamingly gay sorcerer, put to sleep on the top of Mount Nibel by a brave warrior. And Reno's that warrior, reincarnated to tame the awakened beast and bring honor to all the Turks!"

"No, his name is Mehng Pookie. He's an ex-Turk, and a really good one, that ran away to find the Fountain of Youth. I think Reno fell in love with him."

"I think you're all idiots." President Rufus Shinra walked past the three off-duty Turks, making his way down the hallway. "Reno? In love? With some raven-haired myth? I think not."

They waited til the President disappeared into a room number 126, before they snickered and jeered. "I dunno, you guys. He sounds kind of jealous!"

"Gawd, is everyone gay nowadays?"

"It's a fad, I think."

"Look what you did." Cid shoved his finger into Reno's forehead, snarling like a beast. "Now he's mad at me!"

"It's not my fault you played him for a fool! What's that you said about competition?"

Barret was around the corner when Cid and Reno went at it again. With a sigh he went to fetch Tifa, who would hold him back when he attempted to bust a cap in Reno's ass.

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Why don't you go back to your man Rude, eh? Only a guy like him would miss you."

"He's straight, FYI."

"Oh, and since we're on the topic, what the hell are you?!"

"I'm...!" No words escaped his hung-open mouth. His tense shoulders slowly loosened up, thinking the question over in his head. "Honestly," he muttered, half to himself, "I've never been after a guy this way before..."

"So you admit it, ya scrawny punk! You're on the fence."

"Guess so!" he said as he shrugged, smiling with obvious discomfort.

"'Guess?' Kinda worse off to be a guess, ain't ya?"

Cid smiled, and watched Reno lighten up before his eyes. Maybe they were finally tying those loose ends in their less-than-friendship. Reno leaned forward with a grin slier than a fox, wordlessly teasing Cid in more ways than one. "Okay, Dad. Since I'm 'out the closet' let's call a truce 'til Vinny-boy feels better. Then it's no-holds-barred for the affections of Ancient Turk Valentine. May the best man win."

"You got it, scrawny!"

Barret and Tifa arrived and hid just in time to see Reno cop a kiss and run from Cid (a.k.a. Dad), an activity he seems to pride himself in. He took down the corridor and into the open hall, headed for the deck. Barret turned an icky shade of green. Cid turned the other way, hands behind his head, and whistled all the way down the hall.

Reno hardly laid foot on the deck before his phone went off. No doubt it'd be Elena, pestering him with her rookie rants about responsibility. He didn't want to, currently living in the hellish bliss called Highwind. Though remembering what he'd met Vincent for in the first place--his job--Reno picked up the phone. "Hello."

"Reno, it's Elena. You're not gonna believe--"

"No, I'm not giving up on the Ancient Turk yet."

"That's not what I was gonna say! Reno, we're with you a hundred percent on this legend of yours; you're a hero around here!"

"What?"

"You heard me. People are saying all kinds of things, wondering what he's like and what he really is..."

"Who? Vincent?"

"Yeah! I can't believe you were right about this! So what's he like? Is he a vampire? He's probably cute no matter what. Rude's told me all about how weird you acted around 'Lord Valentine.' Hey Reno, are you gay?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. Hey, the president wants to see some progress or you won't get any more leave. You've got to show him you're doing something or you'll be in big trouble!"

"Do something? Like what, file a report?"

"I dunno. I'd bring him in, if I were you."

"Bring him in?"

"Yeah. We want to know him too, Reno."

AN: HOLD ON THERRR, I think I just got an idea! Ideas are good. Some people need stimuli like soda or crack to get ideas, but not good ol' Clay! I need to distract you guys from Vincent's inevitable angst, so gimme some time to ponder the plot again. Yayness.