That's right, peeps. I'm back! With a brand-new...

O My Lord Valentine!
--Chapter THIRTEEN

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, because I'm a loooooser.
Warnings in this Chapter: Sorry, none. But don't worry. When you read this chapter, you'll know it's no-holds-barred for the next one!
Author Note: Where have I been? I dunno. Off doing homework, reading books, doing stuff, slapping hoes. The usual. Nobody emailed me like I asked them to, but OH WELL, be like that then. You're lucky I love you all.

Vincent couldn't believe his eyes. He was nearly flat on his back underneath the red-haired Turk, his arms locked stiff against Reno's shoulders, and staring straight up at Red XIII's wide, gaping mouth and beady eyes. Why me...why in hell did it have to be me!

Reno didn't seem worried at all. He forced himself to sit up straight, hoisting Vincent up with him, as that customarily cocky smile beamed across his face. "Can I help you?"

Red shook his head absent-mindedly, and soon Vincent saw that Red was regaining his composure. After a few hard blinks, Red coughed and managed to speak. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Sorta, man. What's up?"

Staring up at Reno, wrapped comfortably in his arms, Vincent couldn't muster the words to describe how he felt, the warmth in his chest that seared his heart. No, not out of love, nor lust. The pure anger than enabled him to summon Chaos, unfurling in his chest at an unfathomable pace, flushing his face completely red. Reno's just...chatting with him? Like this!

In all Vincent's confusion he neglected to notice Reno's ever-wandering hand, kneading like a prize-grabbing claw at Vincent's ass. Again. Red, however, wasn't so obvious. He choked involuntarily, stumbling out the doorway. "So! So are you two, a..."

Reno grinned. Vincent's eyes narrowed.

"Are you two a..."

"Yes? A what?"

"Are you guys...an item?"

Reno glowed. Vincent fumed automatically, and like a bomb, he went kablam in the worst way. "We are most certainly not an item, Nanaki. And before you go running off at the mouth to Cloud and Cait, know right now that this was not my idea, I did not want to be here..." He pointed stiffly at Red with every despicable not. "...and if I ever find out you made the mistake of blabbing to anyone about this, so help me I'll have your tail for a necklace and your snout for toilet paper!"

Reno let go of Vincent. "Toilet paper?"

"Toilet paper." Red produced a somewhat smug smile, the best he could manage with his furry, lipless muzzle. "That's funny. I don't think you're in the right...position...to call the shots here." His murderous laugh seemed almost demonlike, a howl fit for Hojo. Reno grabbed Vincent again like he would a giant teddy bear, shaking behind his newfound human shield.

Vincent grumbled in his throat. "You're not thinking what I think you are."

"Oh, but I am. And I suggest you do what I say, if you don't want others thinking bad things."

Dasher, the S-Class, tore across the grasslands with Tifa and Cloud on his back. Clouds in the sky reflected shadowy blotches on the fields and marshes. Cid gripped Dante's reins so hard his palms were sore, following Dasher with careful precision, all the while avoiding the millions of thoughts in his head that rammed against each other moment after moment, causing him a rather savage headache.

Vincent...was he really kidnapped? Or did he choose to go with him?

"Damn Turk..." I didn't mean nothin' when I kissed him, that was his idea. All this was his idea! If he hadn't been all, 'Lord Valentine this' and 'Lord Valentine that'...

Yuffie flailed on the very end of Cloud's black chocobo, having as much trouble holding on to Barret's broad back as Slade the chocobo had running with all that weight. "Wa-------rk!"

"I really don't like Barret riding Slade," Cloud confessed.

"Barret'll be fine."

"Who cares about Barret? I'm worried 'bout my chocobo!"

Suddenly Cid's GPS system emitted a series of beeps. Releasing the reins from his right hand, he grabbed the global position system. The chocobo keeper's voice blared through the radio.

"Cid, you there? I think Reno hijacked your ship!"

"Nah, you think? Where the hell are you?"

"Uh...Looks like we're on a beeline for Cosmo Canyon."

"Where's Vinny?"

Silence. Rustling sounds.

"You hear me? I said, where's Vinny?"

"He's..." The GPS clicked.

"Hey? You there? Hey!"

More rustling sounds, and the GPS clicked again. This time Red was on the line. "Cid."

"Red? The hell you doin' on board!"

"Vincent's perfectly fine. You have nothing to worry about. Nothing."

Tempestuous fumes in Cid's brain started to cool and deflate. "Oh, damn. Thank you, Red."

"You are welcome. Take your time catching up...Cid?"

"What is it?"

"If Vincent approaches you with a cockamamie blackmail story, he's lying." Click.

Vincent promised himself he wouldn't cry. He'd beenlistening to the scuffle between Red and the chocobo keeper from theunusualsafety of Reno's calm arms, too far gone with terror to forbid Reno to have his way.I am not being blackmailed by a prodigal four-legged monster...I'm home in my coffin. I'm home in my coffin, dammit!

"Now."

Vincent jumped at the sound of Red's voice as they sat in despair on the cockpit floor. The chocobo keeper ran screaming, his pants now strangely resembled a skirt and torn in multiple places. Red approached them with a fiery glint in his eyes, his teeth shimmering with doggy saliva.

"This isn't my usual behavior...but what shall I do to ultimately mark you down?"

"Red," Vincent pleaded, shuffling on his butt to the wall of the cockpit until he could no longer shrivel away, "please, I don't know why you're doing this!"

"It must be tough to be human. Any friend you currently have, any love you've ever known, can turn and plot against you for the love of someone else. And by this I mention brotherly love." To Vincent's chagrin, Red flashed a wink Reno's way, and the redhead nodded in acceptance.

"Oh no..." Groping the holster for his gun, he found nothing. "You're in this together!"

"I'm sorry, Vincent." He inched his waytowards Vincent and Reno, Vincent on the floor, Reno standing proudly two feet away."Truly, I am your friend. But more Reno's friend than yours."

"What have I done? What have I done to provoke this?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

Two months ago, at Cosmo Canyon...

Cloud, Vincent and Nanaki, greeted warmly by the mysterious tribe, entered Nanaki's homeland in mystified awe. Not so much with Vincent, though. Already he was pissed that Cid yanked him from the ship and into the wasteland of tousled rustic rock, not to mention he was left neglected when dinner was hot out the oven an hour earlier. God, he didn't even know Cid had an oven on the ship! And now he'd been forced to lope up and down the rocky hills, battling gigantic birds and misled monsters as the sun set on the world, and all the while carrying this ridiculous tin lunchbox with his dinner inside. Whose was it? What was it doing on the ship?

Seriously. A tin lunchbox with dancing Moogles dotted all around it. Vincent had to wonder who put it on the ship.

Sitting on one of the many balconies, overlooking the great fire where his friends sat in disciplined rejoice with their new friends, Vincent decided it was the perfect time for him to finish the leftovers in his stupid little Moogle box. He opened the tin and set it on the banister--his first mistake--carefully holding it steady on the rickety beams, extracting a thick bone surrounded with fresh hot meat.

Meanwhile, just below said balcony, "Grandfather," as Nanaki called him, emerged from a doorway, on his way to greet his four-legged grandson.

Vincent, rather relaxed by the shimmering stars in the sky, leaned slowly against the banister, forgetting for only a moment about the wobbling tin container, but a moment was too long for him and Grandpa. Still holding his leg of meat, he reached for the box, stretching his metallic arm to catch the handle, but it eludedhim as it tumbled through the air towards the dusty ground. Out flew another slab of meat, a plastic container of water, some cheese cubes, a napkin, some pickled Spam that Cloud made as a joke.

Appropriately, the Spam was the first to reach Grandpa's shiny head. He stopped short, looking somewhat confused, as well as a small range of nearby people. A couple tiny cubes of cheese bounced against him next, followed by the heavy container of water.

Cloud recognized the falling items. "Guys." He pointed to the balcony at the very distraught cloaked man above.

Then, at last, came the Moogles.

With one very audible TWANG, the tin lunchbox assaulted poor Grandpa, right on the shiny bean, followed by a field full of gasps and groans and pointing fingers, first at the mangled old man, then at the balcony-dweller, and hoards of strange statements came pouring out: "You bastard! Dropping a box on an old man!", "Daddy, it's a vampire!", "How could he? The man's already practically dead, why rush him?", "Insult with the injury; look at that box..."

Needless to say, Vincent swore he'd never pack a lunch again.

"Now do you remember?" Red XIII prodded. "I could never see you as the kindly gun-wielding vampire again..."

Reno stepped back, inevitably struggling to stifle a laugh. "Whoa, Lord Valentine. Not always so composed, are you?"

"I...I..." He was cornered. Completely cornered. "...I didn't mean to. I thought you had forgiven me!"

"Hard as I tried," Red sobbed, creeping closer to the ex-Turk, "the humiliation of a children's Moogle lunchbox...I'm afraid my loyalties have since flown erratic, until Reno came along. I plot against Cid as well, for preparing that wretched box of doom."

Vincent wanted to console him, somehow take back that fateful lunchbox incident, but already the sadness disappeared from Red's eyes, now replaced with familiar fiery gleam. "And now that we are friends, my revenge on you shall be all the sweeter."

A/N: Heheh...I don't know where this Moogle lunchbox thing came from...but whatever! Please review!