I lean againist a dashboard and fiddle with knob to find a good song on the radio. I am going over the conversation I had with Wendy on the phone.
"What's wrong? Didn't you have fun? It was fucking INSANE."
I had said yeah, but honestly it wasn't. I don't think I was expecting to have fun. That may have been her goal, but not mine. I was looking to come home in a body bag, only living through press coverage...- haha I sound like a pussy goth kid.
"Bebe, quit it. I was listening to that."
In the driver seat next to me was Nelson. Just some random I met online and befriended. Let's face it myspace is evil, haha. This is only the second time hanging with him. He didn't turn out to be a serial killer the first time, since I'm obviously still alive, so I figured why not chill with the kid again? He tries to act older then he really is. I think it's kind of cute. The only problem is he's a complete dick head and last time made me er... go down on him or he wouldn't drive me home. And believe me he made sure it was my last and only resort... He later apologized for it when I revealed in an IM convo that I didn't find it amusing or kinky at all- can you believe he actually thought I enjoyed it! Guys are dumb.
"You ok shorty? You seem a bit tense."
"I'm fine, it's just been a long day. I leaned my
head back to fully appreciate the wind blowing in my hair. I imagined I
looked pretty damn hot with my sunglasses on. I didn't care it was
pitch dark late at night. Strange how the littlest things can give me a
pinch of self-esteem.
I glance over at the speedometer. We were going at 103mph and we
weren't even on a highway yet. Suddenly I remember him telling me his
actual car was in the shop.
"Nelson?"
"Yea, Bebe?"
"I was wondering why is your other car in the shop?"
"I trashed it street racing."
"I see..."
"Why you asking?"
"No reason... just wondering."
Even if my life did flash before my eyes I wouldn't have had one of those epiphanies. I could ask him to slow down, but I don't. Just as I'm contemplating this, I am thrown off guard. I slam into the dashboard. I put my hands out in front of me to minimize the amount of force I'm about to feel when my head smacks againist the windshield.
"What the hell was that!" I shouted.
I got out to look around expecting to see the other car we smashed into. Instead nothing. I spin around doing 360s. Nothing, but our skid marks. I calm down and watch Nelson get out of the car and walk up to me. He puts his arms around me.
"Bebe, what are you doing? Get back in the car."
He leads me towards it and all I can do is wave my arms around.
"Was there another car that ran a red light or something!"
"No, I ran a red light."
"Huh?"
"There was no other car, I just realized I've been running red lights so I hit the brake a little too hard."
"A little too hard!"
"Do you think there are camera's on this road?"
"... I'm ready to go home now."
-------------------------------
Somehow he talked me out of going home. Back in the car I shook my head
at him in disbelief. There is no point in calling him out in his
stupidity though. The only injury I had luckily was a bruised knee. He
picked a spot to park that had been tucked away by a broken street
light. He tried making all sorts of moves on me, some I can't believe.
Unlike last time, I wasn't drunk and when I'm sober that voice in my
head is still there. Well not exactly a voice, more like a bad gut
feeling. I guess it's the old me inside screaming,
"Go home! Get out of the car!"
I've told her like a millions times to shutup and relax. She is very persitant though. I just lost my virginity last week on a park bench, what the hell is the point of anything anymore? This whole past week I tried to forget it, I tried to forget how badly I fucked up- literally- but the nightmares kept happening. I couldn't believe how drunk I had gotten. The sad part is I remember most of it. If I was aware of it, then why the hell did I let it happen? Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes!- they can't be taken back... She just needs to get it through her head that I just don't care anymore. I'll mentally slap her and she'll go crawling back, quiety recoiling into the coner that she came from. She'll come out again though and the process repeats. Sometimes I do get just as scared as she does. Sometimes I really do want to listen and stop this freaking game I'm playing. I convince myself otherwise. I can look back and see how uhhappy she was. She points out I'm still uhhappy. To that I don't reply.
-------------------------------
He IMed me out of nowhere. No, not Nelson. I don't think I'll be
seening him ever again. It was Kyle. It has been a couple years. Why
now?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: hey
xxblondvixenxx11: O?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: this sn was on my buddy list, sry but who is this?
(me: ouch... that's why...)
xxblondvixenxx11: um this is Bebe...
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: oh wow, sup?
xxblondvixenxx11: hi, nm
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: that's all I get?
xxblondvixenxx11: geeze sry- how about how are u?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: please don't humor me
xxblondvixenxx11: um... ok
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: i'm gonna cut straight to it, please hear me out
xxblondvixenxx11: k...
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: we were good friends
xxblondvixenxx11: 'WERE' being the key word
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: i thought we still would be when high school started, but u changed over the years
xxblondvixenxx11: yea i guess so, i'm sry we grew apart
(me: pretending i dunt care)
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: it's not about that, i'm concerned for u
xxblondvixenxx11: excuse me?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: wat happened to the girl that i knew?
xxblondvixenxx11: ... this is about u
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: huh?
xxblondvixenxx11: I drifted apart from u on purpose. i couldn't take it anymore. i was in love so much it hurt
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: why are u blattly admitting this to me now? i thought u wanted to just be friends, then u completely fell outta touch.
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: blatantly
xxblondvixenxx11: cause I have nothing to lose
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: I did like u Bebe, i'm sry I could never tell u
xxblondvixenxx11: u wat?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: i still like u
xxblondvixenxx11: ...wow really?
xxblondvixenxx11: i don't believe u
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: please just hang out with me for one day so we can talk more in person
xxblondvixenxx11: alrite
(me: this is so odd...)
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: i just don't wanna see something bad happen to u
xxblondvixenxx11: thanx, that means a lot coming from u
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: free tomm aournd 3pm?
xxblondvixenxx11: sure
xxblondvixenxx11: after school, in the park where the gang used to play?
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: sounds good, see u then
xxblondvixenxx11: k, gtg, bye
JeWsCaNbeCoOL: bye
(me: ... WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
-----------------------------------------------
I hugged my jacket to my body. Just last week it was nice, but today
was chilly like autumn for some reason. I decided to get there early.
The sooner I find out what he wants the better. I can't sit still so
walk around surveying the park. It's so old and run down. Kids don't
come here anymore. They have their video games and TV and computers...
It's the park time forgot, out dated by technology. I see figures-
pretend ghosts, of my elementary school classmates running around. I
almost feel the need to cry. Almost. I make my way over to the hand
ball court. Behind this wall hidden from eyes is where Kyle and I
shared our first kiss. One that wasn't forced by a dare. He did it
because he wanted to and so did I. As I come around to the other side
of the wall, I spot a note on the ground, kept in place by a rock. It's
folded over once and the outside says, "I knew you'd find this here." ;)
And on the inside:
Bebe,
You were something- no someone. A someone I could've
spent my whole life dedicating to making happy. Making you laugh and
smile. What was stopping me from telling you all this? Back then I
didn't exactly want to make such a commitment and admit any sort of
feelings no matter how real they got. Come on, we were both immature
pre-teens... we could've handled a relationship if we tried. It was
simple fear. I look back now and I get so angry at myself, to the point
where I have nothing but pure hatred for myself. How could I have let
one feeling over power my love for you? How could I let it stop me from
at least telling you I cared? I really truly with all my heart and soul
cared. And you didn't deserve the bullshit other guys gave you. I heard
the rumors... I'm not saying you deserved me. No, you deserve the best,
but least I would've known how to treat you. At the time everything
seemed so unsure. Still I beat myself up for not taking a chance. You
would've been worth it. Now every moment I think back to the night you
just wanted me to say those three words... Instead I let you slip by.
My heart feels so empty and I don't think I will ever feel this way
about anyone again. I went out with other girls, I tried getting over
you- but nothing, nothing ever worked. No one could replace you.
I see you once in awhile. In a store or the arcade
or library or restaurant... We run into each other a lot actually. It's
a small town. You used to at least smile and wave. Now you pretend not
to see me. Before you were what I'd call my female best friend. I want
to start over. Start over with me Bebe. If you choose to do so, meet me
at my house right NOW. I want our love to be right now and not miss
another minute. If not I hope we can be friends again. Yours truly,
Kyle
"Yours truly..."- I'm his... I run to his house at top speed.