A/N: Oy. My apologies! I didn't mean to disappear so long. I've had a very hard time finding time to write this month. SO much going on in life. Anyway, I'm back. Hopefully more consistently now for a bit. This chapter is a little "talk" heavy, not the *most* exciting, but there were some things that needed to be dealt with...Please review! Let me know you're still there for me :) XOXO to all my delightful readers.
Chapter Fourteen: Time to Talk
Though she tried many different ways to explain things away to Louis, he seemed determined to not understand Lily's unusual closeness with Scorpius on Valentine's. He accused her of hiding things from him and not behaving like a best friend would. She couldn't entirely blame him. She was hiding things from him, but she also had no intention of being entirely honest with him about what had happened to her, nor the fact that she suddenly realized Scorpius was one of her best friends.
Days passed without Louis speaking to Lily. In classes, he stayed firmly on his side of the room with his classmates, and if he passed her in the hall he would frown and walk more quickly. Lily hated fighting with him. They had fought like this once when they were eight, and Lily had accidentally sided with Dominique in a family dispute. She couldn't even remember the topic anymore, but it had caused Louis to ignore her for two whole days. She knew he was good at giving the silent treatment when he wanted. That time she had fixed it by baking him his favorite sugar cookies. She had a feeling this time wouldn't be as easy to fix.
Louis' friends sided with him, naturally, so Lily also no longer spoke with Daniel or Zach, and sometimes even Hugo avoided her, though he didn't seem to know why.
"It's their loss," Julianne told Lily repeatedly throughout the week whenever she was snubbed by the Gryffindor herd. "They're being ridiculous."
Lily would just shrug.
"Seriously, Lils," Julianne said. "Louis will come around, and if he doesn't, then who cares. You don't need that kind of immaturity in your life."
Lily always tried to smile for her friend's sake, but Julianne didn't understand. Lily needed Louis. She always had, and a part of her hated that she felt he was actually in the right, and she was the reason they were drifting apart right now.
She had also been putting distance between herself and Scorpius since the weekend. Even though she agreed to be friends with Scorpius now, too many emotions had been stirred up inside her after Valentine's and she wasn't entirely sure how to blend them all into her life at the moment. He seemed to feel partly the same way and had stopped sitting with her in the evenings, and had not taken any meals with her since the weekend. Though she noticed he was also not anywhere near Delia like usual. Delia had started sitting at the opposite end of the table from wherever Scorpius was, with her little flock of girl friends, usually staring at Scorpius though from afar, and occasionally glaring towards Lily.
By the time she headed to her Potions lesson on Wednesday evening, she had decided that she didn't have the energy to worry about everyone else in her life, and she needed to simply focus on her studies and Quidditch practice over the next couple months. She didn't need any more distractions before the end of the year.
"Welcome," Professor Willoughby greeted her as she entered his office. "I'm glad you could make it tonight."
Lily felt a little guilty again for cancelling the previous week, but she simply nodded and sat down.
"And how are you this evening?" He asked.
"Fine," she said, a little quietly.
"Are you?" He asked, prodding in his knowing way.
To occupy herself, instead of answering, she began to serve the tea, which was a task he usually took on himself. She poured the two cups and measured out his cream and sugar before fixing herself with cream and cinnamon.
"Miss Potter," he said slowly, watching her as she fixed the cups. "Is there something on your mind?"
She shook her head. "I think I've just had a long week."
"It's only Wednesday," he said.
"Well, I had a long weekend," she said.
"Yes, the Valentine's adventure," he said, smiling slightly. "I assume that all got resolved in the end? The potion was successful?"
"Oh yes, that all worked out," she said. "Thank you again for your help. I really appreciate it."
"It was very good of you to take care of Mr. Malfoy like you did," he said. "I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a friend like you."
She nodded.
"And I think the same could be said for you," he said. "He seems like a very true friend to you as well…"
Lily hesitated. She knew he was trying to make her talk about that night, but she had come there that evening determined not to.
"Umm, yeah, he's a good mate," she said. "So what are we working on tonight?"
Willoughby sighed. "Miss Potter, I had hoped that through this year you would have come to see me as someone you could trust and even confide in."
"I know," she said. "I do trust you."
"Then is there anything you may want to discuss with me…"
"Not that comes to mind," she said, taking a sip of her too-hot tea.
"I spoke with Madam Rougal," he said. "After you went to see her."
"Oh?" Lily asked, trying still to sound nonchalant.
"You were quite injured," he said.
"I was…" she said. "I mean it wasn't serious. I tripped is all. I'm better now."
"You had a broken rib," he said.
"And I'm almost all better now," she repeated.
"Lily."
She hesitated. Despite their familiarity with one another, Willoughby never called her by her first name. She looked at him now and saw the deep lines creasing his forehead and the firm set of his mouth. She glanced away.
"Withdrawing from people when you are in trouble is not smart," he said.
"I'm not in trouble," she said. "And I'm not withdrawing."
"I've been observing you this week," he said. "You've been distant with your cousins and I've noticed that you have been avoiding Mr. Malfoy as well."
"You're watching me?" She asked.
"I've been observing," he said. "As I do all my students. It is my job as the Head of House to keep an eye on my students and be aware of anything that seems, well, off with them."
"I'm fine, Professor," she said. "I really don't know what you want me to say."
"I want you to tell me what's going on with you," he said. "Why did you really cancel lessons last week? Why are you fighting with your cousin and best friend? Why aren't you and Mr. Malfoy speaking to one another? And most of all why the bloody hell didn't you come to me when you were attacked?"
Lily's eyes widened in surprise at the intensity of her professor's tone. He had never raised his voice before, and it alarmed her now. For a minute she couldn't speak.
He took a slow breath, squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then held up a hand. "I'm sorry."
"I didn't come to you because I didn't want to talk about it," she said after a moment. "If Scorpius hadn't found me, I wouldn't have even told him. And I wish I hadn't, to be honest. I hate that he knows. I hate that he looks at me different and treats me different now."
"How does he treat you differently?"
"Like I'm fragile. Broken. Like he has to take care of me," she said. "I can take care of myself."
"I'm certain you can," he said. "This particular situation, however, could benefit from outside help. When Mr. Malfoy came to me that day and told me what had happened, without mentioning you at all, he was in a state of fierce anger. I've never seen any of my students so filled with rage. It honestly alarmed me. Though he claimed he didn't know who the girl was, I knew he was lying. He wouldn't be so furious if he wasn't personally affected. That's the role of friends. They're supposed to want to help you."
Lily was quiet.
"Then after speaking with Madam Rougal, it wasn't hard for me to figure out it was you," he said. "I've been waiting, hoping, you'd come talk to me on your own. I wanted it to be your choice."
"Well, it wasn't," she said.
"This isn't something you can just pretend didn't happen," he said. "I don't care how strong or capable you think you are."
"I'm not pretending it didn't happen," she said. "I couldn't if I wanted to. It will haunt me for the rest of my life, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"
He was quiet momentarily, so she continued.
"Do you want to hear what I felt that night? What I've felt since then? How I jump every time I hear footsteps in the hall behind me? How I can't walk to classes alone? How I almost let Scorpius jump off a bloody roof the other day rather than let him kiss me because I couldn't stop thinking of that guy's mouth on mine? How I'm too scared to have a conversation with my brothers because I'm afraid they'll find out what happened?" Her voice broke, tears sprang to her eyes, and despite her determination to be strong, she lost herself to sobs. "It's all I can think about," she said, through sobs, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her sweater.
He withdrew a long white handkerchief from a pocket inside his jacket and handed it to her. He still didn't speak.
"There's nothing I can do about what happened," she said. "I can't go back in time and change things, and I can't even make them pay for what they did because I don't even know who they were!" She felt suddenly exhausted and angry. She was frustrated with Willoughby for making her have this conversation when she had so desperately wanted to avoid it.
"Why don't you want your brothers to know?" He asked. "Or your parents? Don't you think they'd want to know? I could ask them to come here and we could talk to them together…"
"No!" She shouted, surprising herself as well as Willoughby.
He sat back in his chair slightly.
"Lily, your parents should be informed that you were in danger…"
"I don't want them to know," she said. "If they think I'm not safe here…if they think me being a Slytherin has somehow put me in danger…"
He held up his hands to stop her.
"Fine," he said. "I can't force you to tell them. While at school we believe in allowing our students to be responsible for their own choices and are not entirely required to bring in your parents…" he paused. "Within reason."
She waited for further explanation.
"I need to know that you are being responsible," he said. "I need to be able to trust that you are making good choices at this time. If I can't trust that, then I will have no choice but to intervene in the way I believe is right."
Lily frowned.
"You're quiet," he said.
She stayed quiet.
"You're angry," he said. "You're holding back. Say what you want to say. Be honest."
Lily only hesitated a moment before speaking her mind. "What gives you the right to tell me if I'm making good choices or not? I'm not acting out. I'm keeping up in my classes, in fact I'm excelling in my classes. Apart from that, what business is it of yours what I do or who I talk to or how I feel?"
"I'm the head of your house, I am responsible for you," he said. "And I care about my students. I care about you."
"I'm fine," she said, trying to sound firm, but she knew her voice shook slightly. "Like I said, I can take care of myself."
"Your friends are important," he said. "You shouldn't shut them out."
"I'm not," she said. "Not entirely."
"As you have made very clear, you are plenty capable of taking care of yourself, but you never know when you may need your friends. It would be a pity if your choice to close them out of your life damages your relationships in the future," he said.
"I'm not closing them out…" she said slowly. "There are some things that are just easier for me to deal with on my own."
"From what I understand your father relied quiet heavily on his friendships during the War," he said.
Lily stared at him suddenly. No one talked about the war, not with her anyway. She only found out things about it through the occasional forced conversation with her father, the very rare discussions with her Aunt Hermione, never her mum. She was surprised to hear Professor Willoughby discussing it so casually, especially in relation to her father.
"I don't know about all that," she said. "I suppose."
His forehead creased again. "Has your father not discussed the war with you?"
"Not much," she said. "He doesn't like to talk about it."
"I see," he said. "Well maybe one day he will feel differently, when you are older perhaps. Still though, I'm sure he has told you how valuable his friendships were to him when things were at their worst. Even the history books mention the Golden Trio."
Lily nodded. She knew a little of her father's friendship with Hermione and Ron. They were still best mates. She had always liked that about her parents, how they all had best friends they took time out of their lives for. She remembered distinctly a time when she was only eight, and Uncle Ron had rung up her dad in the middle of the night on the muggle telephone her father had insisted on having installed in both of their houses for emergencies, and told him he needed help with something. She never knew what it had been about, but she remembered how quickly her father had left to assist in whatever the emergency was. He didn't even hesitate. Or the time when Lily herself had fallen from a tree and broken her ankle when she was six, and her mum had been out of town for a girls' weekend with Luna, and Harry had called Aunt Hermione; she had apparated over instantly and stayed with them to help take care of Lily until Ginny could be reached. Their friendship was still strong after all these years.
"I know," she said simply to her professor now.
"Do you?" He said.
She shrugged. "It's not like I'm in the middle of a war, Professor. I have friends, but I don't need them quite as seriously as you make it seem."
He seemed frustrated. "You never know when you'll need help or a friend in your life…" He stopped suddenly and closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Never mind. This is your personal business. I've overstepped."
She was quiet, and felt more irritated than ever.
"I think perhaps, if you are still open to working tonight, we shall work on a calming draught," he said. "I didn't mean to bring up so many negative thoughts for you this evening."
A part of Lily wanted to refuse, and leave immediately to return to the safety of her bed where she could hide from the world for a while, but the curious part of her was excited by the prospect of creating a new potion, especially one as challenging as a calming draught. Also she knew having the knowledge of how to brew one properly could be useful in her future.
She nodded. "Okay."
Professor Willoughby smiled and stood. "Let's go to the classroom. We'll begin right away." He picked up his cup of tea and she did the same before following him down the hall to the class.
"Now usually, I realize, we would take time to discuss each of the ingredients, and study them, and I'd have you do independent research before we would actually attempt to brew the potion, but for tonight, I think we will just dive right in." He retrieved a heavy text book from behind his desk and set it out for her to look at as he flipped to the correct page. "Do you think you can manage?"
She read through the list of ingredients and the steps quickly and nodded.
"Great," he said. "Then I'll let you take point."
Lily nodded again, took the heavy book to an empty table and began collecting the required ingredients. She set them all out in a straight line in front of the book as was her way when beginning any potion, then she double checked the list of ingredients against the ones she had gathered before beginning the steps. Willoughby watched her quietly while she worked, allowing her to work in complete silence and independence. Lily appreciated the quiet. It gave her a chance to clear her head from the confusion and frustration he had brought up earlier in his office.
She worked dutifully for thirty minutes straight, pausing only to drink her tea, or double check a step in the book. As she finished adding the boiled chamomile, he asked if she'd like more tea. She nodded without speaking, and he took their cups back to the office for a refill. While he was gone, the crocodile heart and lavender finished brewing in the copper cauldron, and she added them to the larger mixture in the large silver cauldron. She added four drops of peppermint oil and stirred slowly.
Willoughby returned, set her teacup on the table beside her and peeked into the cauldron. Without speaking, he nodded, and returned to his desk.
After a few more stirs, Lily felt satisfied with the color and consistency of the potion. She adjusted the heat to low and stepped back to let the potion simmer. Her face had grown warm and sweaty, and her long hair was sticking to her forehead and the back of her neck. She removed her sweater, rolled up her sleeves, then gathered up her long hair, securing it in a hurried ponytail with the elastic she kept around her wrist. She sipped her tea and then began cleaning up the ingredients and supplies. She washed out the extra cauldron she no longer needed, and cleaned all the knives she had used for cutting and chopping. When she was satisfied that her work station was perfect again, she took another drink from her tea and checked on the potion. It had changed to a pale silver violet color, which she knew was its final shade, so she switched off the burner and glanced at her professor.
"All done then?" He asked, standing and coming towards her.
She nodded.
He inspected the completed potion and smiled. "Looks perfect," he said. "As usual." He pointed to the cupboard that she knew held empty vials and she went to retrieve an empty vial. "Bring a few, please."
Lily gathered a few and brought them back and together they bottled the potion.
"You did well," he said.
"Thank you," she said. Making the potion had calmed her, as it usually did, but she was still feeling frustrated by their conversation earlier and not particularly in the mood to chat with her professor. "It's late," she said. "I should probably go."
"Miss Potter," he said slowly. "I know you didn't like discussing certain things with me tonight, but I just want you to know that I'm glad you did."
"It wasn't exactly my choice," she said.
"No, I understand that," he said. "Still…"
"I'd like to go now, please," she said, feeling her frustration rising again.
He nodded. "Very well."
She gathered her sweater. He held out three vials of the potion.
"Here," he said. "Take these."
She hesitated.
"You mentioned sleep has been difficult lately," he said. "You don't need much to help induce sleep. Put just three or four drops in your tea and you'll sleep easily."
She took the vials. "Okay," she said. "Thank you."
"Just make sure not to overdo it," he said. "Calming draughts can be very potent if not used carefully. I believe I can trust you to be responsible."
She nodded.
"Goodnight," he said, putting away the rest of the vials in a locked cupboard behind his desk. She had seen him do this with other potions she had made.
"Goodnight, Professor," she said.
Clutching the vials in one hand, Lily took her teacup in the other and headed back to the Slytherin rooms. Halfway down the corridor, her heart started pounding and her body started trembling. It was the first time she had been alone in these corridors since her attack. In the past couple weeks, she had been careful to stay with a friend when making the walk to the Slytherin rooms after classes or mealtimes, and she rarely let herself be out after dinner. Julianne had walked Lily to her private lessons that evening, but Lily hadn't thought about walking back alone.
She debated turning back to the classroom to ask Professor Willoughby to walk her back, but felt embarrassed. It wasn't that far. She could make it back on her own. Just a few more turns and a couple long corridors and she'd be fine. She took a few breaths trying to steady herself and forced her feet to move forward. She thought she had been doing a little better. She was able to find periods during the day occasionally when she wasn't constantly thinking about her attack. After the discussion with Willoughby, however, it was fresh on her mind and now it consumed her.
She walked steadily for a few minutes, not quickly, but moving forward continually, taking a breath with each step. As she neared the place at the end of the staircase where her attack had occurred, however, her vision started to blur and her steps became unsteady. Just breathe, she told herself, repeatedly like a mantra. Just breathe.
A noise on the staircase behind her sent a wave of panic through her, and despite her best efforts, her body crumpled in overwhelming paralyzing terror. The teacup in her hand slipped to the ground, shattering on the stone, but she hardly noticed.
"Is someone there?" A deep voice called from the staircase.
Lily wrapped her arms around herself and hid her face in her knees as she felt warm tears gather in her eyes. Her body trembled.
"Hello?" The voice was nearer now.
She wanted to run. She wanted to scream. But she couldn't make a sound or a move.
"Potter?"
The voice was familiar, but she still felt terror spreading throughout her body as hurried footsteps came towards her.
"Hey, you okay?"
A warm heavy hand on her arm made her jolt away. She gasped, choking on a sob that had been forming in her throat.
"Lily?" Another voice, soft, concerned. "Lily! What's wrong?"
Soft hands touched her arms, and she could feel warm breath on her forehead, indicating that someone had knelt in front of her.
"Hey, Lily, look at me! Talk to me!"
Lily slowly looked up, recognizing her cousin's soft voice.
"There's glass on the ground," the deep voice spoke from above, and as she forced her panic to subside she knew now it was Payne. "You hurt?"
She felt utterly silly for having been afraid of Payne and Lucy. She knew they undoubtedly had questions she was not able to or ready to answer.
"I'm fine…" she forced herself to speak, though her voice wavered.
"No, you're clearly not," Lucy said. She helped Lily to her feet. "Should I go get James? Or Rose?"
Lily shook her head. "No, please. I'm fine." She watched Payne and Lucy exchange quick worried glances. "Seriously. I just…I'm tired. I had a long lesson and I need to get some rest."
"Sweetie, you don't seem fine," Lucy said slowly.
"I just want to go to bed," Lily said, trying to sound more sure of herself. She put a hand against the wall, attempting to stand, but her legs didn't cooperate.
Payne swooped in and helped her to her feet.
"Lily, are you sure you don't want me to get James?" Lucy asked again.
Lily shook her head, knowing that seeing her brother was the last thing she wanted at that moment.
"I just need to get to bed…" she said again, her voice still shaky.
Payne nodded. "Luce, I'll see you tomorrow, alright? I'm going to get her back to the rooms."
Lucy nodded and squeezed Lily's hand before slipping back up the steps away from the dungeons and the Slytherins.
"I'm sorry I interrupted you guys," Lily said. "I didn't mean to mess up your night."
"Not at all," Payne said. "It's past curfew anyway. We should all be back in our rooms."
Lily hated that she had an urge to pull away from Payne's arm, but she fought the feeling and let him hold onto her the rest of the walk down the corridor. At the door, he spoke the password and guided her in. The common room was nearly empty, apart from a couple older students sitting in a far corner bent over textbooks, some fourth years playing chess in the opposite corner, and Regina Zabini reading on the rug in front of the fire.
"Reg," Payne called to her. She didn't respond. "I know you can hear me."
She glanced over her shoulder, glaring at him.
"Come on, I need your help," he said.
Lily was too tired to care why the prefects were fighting. Regina stood slowly and met Payne and Lily at the couch.
"What do you need?" She asked, her voice sharp and uncaring.
"Not me, Potter here," he said.
Lily shook her head. "I'm fine."
Regina's golden eyes flicked towards Lily. She scowled. "What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing," Lily repeated.
"I don't know," he answered, completely ignoring Lily. "I found her out in the hall, she was on the ground and seemed bloody terrified."
"Did something happen to you?" Regina asked, now speaking to Lily.
Lily shook her head. "I'm fine."
Payne placed both hands on Lily's shoulders and stared at her. Her body tensed and she felt herself trying to fight the urge to pull away.
"Lily, be honest. You are not okay. You were cowering in the corner when we found you!" Payne said.
"We?" Regina snapped quickly.
Payne glared at her. "Come off it," he said. "You think I haven't heard how you've been hooking up with that Ravenclaw wanker?"
She glanced away quickly.
Lily wriggled her shoulders away from Payne's grasp.
"You and I can deal with our shit later," Payne said to Regina. "Right now I need you to help with her."
Regina was eyeing Lily again. Her flawless forehead creased slightly. "Fine, I'll take care of her." She beckoned for Lily to follow her towards the girls' corridor, and Lily did.
Passing by Lily's second year room, Regina led her down to the sixth years' room towards the end of the hall. She pushed open the door, calmly said "out" to her roommates, and the other sixth year girls fled from the room, leaving Regina and Lily alone. Regina sat on the bed nearest the door and motioned for Lily to sit beside her.
Lily had never been alone with the prefect before, and hadn't had many conversations with her either, so she felt awkward and uncertain as she sat beside her now.
"Talk to me," Regina said simply.
"About what?" Lily asked.
"About whatever has Payne so worried about you," she said. "He said you were scared of something?"
"No, I'm okay," she said. "It was just a long night. He caught me at an off time…"
"Look doll, I'm the queen of skirting the truth, alright? I've been making up stories since I was a child. I know all the tricks of deception. You're not bad at it either," she said. "But I'm better, and I know you're lying to me now."
Lily was momentarily too surprised to respond.
"I've been watching you the past couple weeks," Regina admitted. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do actually care a little bit about you younger students."
Again Lily's surprise silenced her.
"You've been off," Regina said. "You're quieter than usual, and you seem constantly nervous." She frowned. "Something has definitely been on your mind."
Lily shook her head. "It's nothing. I'm dealing with it."
Regina scowled, and analyzed Lily's face for a moment. Lily's eyes darted away from Regina's face, unable to hold her flawless stare.
"Did something happen?" Regina asked. She hesitated. "Did someone do something to you?"
Lily tried to control her expression, but she felt her eye twitch.
"Did someone hurt you, Lily?" Regina asked, her voice a little softer.
Lily forced herself to not respond.
Regina hesitated before continuing. "Did Payne do something to you? Is he who you're afraid of?"
Lily spat out a "no" quickly.
Regina seemed relieved. "Someone did hurt you though."
Lily finally nodded.
Regina let out a short sigh. "Was it someone you know?" She paused as though thinking. "Was it Scorpius Malfoy? The two of you seem to be together a lot. Did he try to force you to do something you weren't quite ready for…"
Lily shook her head firmly. "What? No. Scorpius is my friend. He would never hurt me."
"Sometimes people hurt us without meaning to," Regina said.
"No, these guys meant to hurt me," Lily said.
Regina pressed her lips together. "There was more than one?"
"They attacked me a couple weeks ago in the hall," Lily said. "I was coming back late from seeing my cousins. They were waiting for me."
"Oh," Regina said. "I'm so sorry. People can be very cruel."
Lily nodded.
"Lily, you need to know, what happened to you…what these boys did to you…it wasn't your fault."
"I know…" Lily said.
"Do you?" Regina asked. "I know in situations like this it can sometimes be easy to blame yourself. You might wonder how things could have gone differently. Perhaps you start thinking if you could have avoided it, if you could have stopped them…"
Lily stared at the older girl and saw an unexpected sadness in her eyes that she had never seen there, and suddenly she realized that Regina was speaking from a personal place at that moment.
"This didn't happen because of anything you did or didn't do," Regina continued. "However, you can make sure it never happens again."
Lily waited.
"These boys wanted to make you feel helpless. They wanted to hurt you and break you, and make you think you deserved whatever terrible thing they did to you," Regina said. "But you are not helpless. You are a strong and powerful young woman, and no man can ever take that power away from you, do you understand?"
Lily knew Regina was talking to herself as much as she was to Lily, but Lily appreciated what she was saying. "You're right," Lily said.
"I am," Regina said. She nodded firmly as though to convince herself as well as Lily. "I absolutely am. Boys are scum. You don't owe them anything, you hear me? You are in control of who you give your attention to, and definitely who is allowed to touch you."
Lily blushed, feeling that she wasn't quite ready for that type of discussion, but she nodded all the same.
"You remember that," Regina said. "You are in control."
Lily nodded again.
"Now, I have to ask, have you talked to anyone about what happened? Besides me? Do you have someone you can talk to about this?" Regina asked.
"Scorpius knows," Lily said. "And Julianne. And Professor Willoughby sort of."
"That's good," Regina said. "And what about Madam Rougal? Did you visit with her after what happened? It's important that you are inspected."
"I saw her," Lily said. "She's been treating me."
"Good," Regina said. "I'm glad to hear that." She sighed. Then in a very uncharacteristic motion, she reached out and wrapped her arms around Lily. "I'm so very sorry this happened to you, Lily. Please know you can trust me if you ever need to discuss this or anything else again, alright?"
"Thank you," Lily said.
Regina stood and Lily followed her out of the room and back towards her own room. Regina waved to her at the door for the second years' room and continued on her way to the common room. Lily entered her room and shut the door with a deep sigh.
Despite the kindness everyone had shown her, Lily felt overwhelmed and completely exhausted. She hated how much she had had to discuss that night, and how many of the memories were now resurfaced in her mind. She couldn't shut them out. Every moment was running through her brain with intense clarity. Tears burned behind her eyes, and her body trembled. She forced herself to move, though her body felt heavy, and headed towards the closet to make her way to the bathroom for a shower.
Soft snores within the drawn canopies of each of her roommates told her it was even later than she had realized, so she knew she could have a shower and clear her thoughts in peace. Inside the bathroom, Lily began to undress, still holding back her tears. As she removed her skirt, she felt something heavy clank in the pocket, and remembered the vials she had stored there. She withdrew all three and set them on the counter. She stared at them for a moment, then uncorked the first one, put it to her lips, and took a long swallow, then stepped into the shower.
Within minutes, her mind had began to empty, the awful thoughts she had been having, slowly fading, and her fear began to subside. Her whole body felt light and calm, and she found herself become sleepy quickly. Cutting her shower short, Lily wrapped up in her green robe, took the vials from the counter and stumbled out to her bed, slipping the vials into the drawer of the table beside her bed before collapsing on her bed, barely even noticing how Styx scurried out of the way, and not bothering to draw her canopy.
…
By Saturday, Julianne had finally started to notice Lily's over-sleepy behavior, and after Lily sleeping through yet another breakfast, she decided to say something.
"Hey, Lils," Julianne sat on the edge of her still-sleeping friend's bed after breakfast. "Hey, wakeup." Julianne jostled Lily.
Lily stirred, but groaned and tried to swat her friend away.
"You're sleeping late again," Julianne said.
"So? It's Saturday, isn't it?" Lily asked groggily.
"Yes, but you missed breakfast," Julianne said.
"I'm not hungry," Lily said, still not opening her eyes.
"It's game day," Julianne said, trying to think of how else to encourage her friend out of bed.
"I think I'm going to skip it," Lily said.
Julianne frowned. "You're not going to watch your brother and cousins play?"
Lily yawned and rolled over. "I'm tired."
"Lily, you've been really tired lately," Julianne said. "It's not like you. Are you getting sick?"
"No," Lily yawned again. "I'm fine. Go on to the game. I'm sure Leona and Kenny will meet you there."
Julianne frowned but stood and left Lily alone.
Lily was upset by the interruption of her sleep and knew it wouldn't be easy to fall asleep again, but she didn't want to get up. She had started to prefer sleep; it kept her from having to think or deal with her fears. She hadn't been to breakfast since Wednesday, and even though she had been attending classes, she had started taking a drop of the calming draught before class to keep herself in a peaceful state throughout class. She knew that she hadn't performed that well in class the past couple days, she hadn't been answering questions when called on, nor volunteering information she knew, but she found herself preferring herself wrapped up inside the calm bubble she created with the potion.
She pulled the blankets up over her head, trying to encourage sleep again, but only a few minutes later she felt weight on her bed again and rolled her eyes at her friend's persistence.
"Go away, Jules…" she mumbled, still beneath the blankets. "I told you I don't want to get up."
"Why not?"
Lily froze when she heard a deep male voice instead of the expected Julianne's. She hesitated, unsure of whether to investigate the voice or stay hidden. Her mind and body felt too lethargic to make a decision.
Someone poked at her beneath the blanket. "Lily, talk to me," he said. "Come on."
She started to realize she recognized the voice and let out a breath. "I'm just tired…" she said, still under the blanket. "I told Julianne to go on to the game without me. She didn't need to send you."
"She didn't send me," he said. "She told me you were having a late morning and were going to skip the game, and I was concerned." He pulled the blanket down suddenly and stared at her intensely, his silvery eyes inquisitive and worried.
"I'm fine, Scor. Just tired," she said.
"You've been tired a lot lately," he said. "You've been skipping breakfasts."
"I haven't been hungry," she said.
He frowned.
"And you're skipping the Gryffindor game? Really? This game determines who goes to the finals," he said. "You're not going to watch that?"
Lily yawned.
"Look I don't know what's going on with you right now, but I know you'll regret it if you miss this game," he said. "So get up, put on that old jersey from your dad, and let's go."
Lily rolled over and nearly growled.
"I'm not leaving," he said.
"You're annoying," she said.
"Yeah, well, you can thank me later," he said. "Now get up." He tugged her quilt down and she frowned from the sudden chill. "Go get dressed. I'll be waiting right here."
Lily slithered out of her bed, glaring pointedly at Scorpius as she moved towards her closet. She dressed tiredly, but swiftly, putting on a pair of dark denim trousers and her dad's Gryffindor jersey Scorpius had mentioned. She left her hair down, and didn't bother with any makeup or even washing her face. She slipped into a pair of black boots and pulled a long black knitted sweater off a hangar from Julianne's closet section before heading back to the room where Scorpius was sitting stoically on the edge of her bed.
"I'm dressed, are you happy?" She asked.
He glanced up at her, frowning. "Lils, what's this?"
She saw one of the empty vials of her calming draught potion in his hand.
"Did you go through my drawers?" She asked, slightly louder and more angry than she intended.
"It was on your bed," he said.
Lily tried to remember taking the potion the previous night and realized she couldn't remember if she had actually put it away or not.
"What is it?" He asked again.
"None of your business," she said.
"Lily, tell me what's going on," he said. "Please. What is this?"
"It's just a potion I made with Willoughby," she said. "It's nothing important."
"So he knows you have this? He's okay with it?" He asked.
She nodded. "Of course. He gave it to me."
"So what is it?" He asked.
She sucked in a breath and slowly let it out. "It's a calming draught. We made it together in lessons this week."
"A calming draught?" He asked, his eyes narrowing a little. "Aren't those supposed to be really strong."
She shrugged.
"Have you been taking this?" He asked.
"Sometimes," she said. "It helps me sleep."
"How much are you taking?" He asked.
She didn't like the inquisitive or accusatory tone he was using. "Just a bit, alright? It's no big deal. Willoughby said a couple drops at night will help me sleep and deal with, well, everything." She fixed her hands on her hips and scowled at Scorpius. "I would have thought you'd be happy that I talked to him about it."
"You didn't tell me you weren't sleeping well," he said, his voice quieting slightly.
"Well, I'm not," she said. "I haven't been. I'm doing better now with this."
"Yeah, but this isn't something you're supposed to use frequently, I'm pretty sure," he said.
"It's only been a couple days," Lily said. "I just needed to catch up on some sleep, and shut things off for a bit."
Scorpius frowned and seemed about to protest, but he just nodded. "You're being careful?"
"Of course."
"Fine, let's go."
Lily took the empty vial from him and returned it to the drawer. She spotted the other vial, still full, inside the drawer and debated if she could take a drop without Scorpius noticing. She thought it would be nice to withdraw a little before joining the fray of the crowd at the pitch.
"You coming?"
She sighed, snapped the drawer shut, and turned to follow Scorpius from her room.