If I thought that you knew the way
I'd open my mouth
If I had something smart to say
"Lucas are you sure this is the right way?" Peyton asked impatiently as Lucas drove. She had been fidgety ever since she sat in her car. She was in no position to drive so she let him do it. She was in no position to do anything since he was so nervous. She just wanted things to go well.
"For the 100th time in a row yes Peyton I know which way I'm going," He sighed and then added, his voice no louder than a whisper, "Especially after you made me read the directions to you so many times before we left."
"What?" Peyton's head snapped over in his direction. She had heard him mumbling and she wasn't sure if she liked what he had said.
"Nothing." He muttered as he slumped a little in his seat.
Looking over at him again she shrugged and sat up in her seat. As aggravated as she was with him right now she was glad he came with her. She didn't think she could do this without him.
She had been sitting in the same spot for what seemed like hours, but had only been minutes. She was sitting at the foot of her bed holding the paper with Ellie's address in her shaky hands. She didn't know what to do; this was like the hardest decision of her life. She should go see her and possibly be humiliated or should she stay home with her guilt-ridden conscience? It was definitely a lose/lose situation but she had to make a decision.
"Hey."
The paper dropped out of her shaking hands and onto the floor. The sound of someone else's voice frightened her. She was a nervous wreck.
Ignoring the paper and her nerves, she looked up to see who was calling her.
"Lucas? What are you doing here?"
Shoving his hands in his pocket he walked over to her computer chair and sat down. He didn't exactly have an answer to that question.
Noticing that he was silent Peyton decided to ask him again, "Shouldn't you be at school or something?"
"You should be, too. Peyton, what's going on?" She didn't come to school yesterday and he didn't see her in first or fourth period so he decided to swing by her house and see what was up. He knew she hadn't been herself these past few days so he just wanted to look out for her.
"So what are you cutting?" She avoided his question.
"No," He said noticing that she was avoiding his question, "It's lunch time, but that's not the point. Are you sick or something Peyton? I haven't seen or spoken to you since that night a couple of days ago and I was just wondering if you were okay."
She looked at him and saw the concern in his eyes; she even heard it in his voice, but she just didn't know what to tell him. Should she tell him what she was planning on doing? She wasn't even sure if she was even going to do it or not.
"I'm fine, Lucas," Her eyes drifted off to the paper with Ellie's address that was now on the ground, "I just…"
"What? You just what Peyton?" He was nearly on the edge of his seat.
"I…" She trailed off again. She wasn't sure if she was ready to even do this. This whole thing was practically eating her alive and no one knew. She had enough… she had to tell someone, someone who would listen.
"You can talk to me, Peyt. You know that." He assured her.
She took her eyes briefly off the paper to look at him. She knew she could trust him, she just didn't know how to get the words out.
"I—I have Ellie's address and I wanna go see her." She blurted that all out so her series of words all sounded like one.
"What?"
She took a deep breath, "I have Ellie's address and I need to see her, Luke. She's dying and I just… I wanna get to her before it's too late." She revealed. Telling someone made her feel a little bit better, but it still didn't take the burden off of her shoulders.
Lucas sat back in the chair and took in the news. Judging by her facial expressions, Peyton must've been petrified about this whole thing.
"Well when do you plan on seeing her?"
After bending down to pick up the paper and glancing at it again, Peyton knew what she had to do. She was going to see Ellie.
"Today… right now." She decided and before she could protest he answered,
"Well then I'm going with you."
I bought a stack of books; I didn't read a thing
it's like I'm sitting here, waiting for birds to sing
Let's do it again
come on come on, let's do it again
She wasn't going to lie she did appreciate him offering to go with her. She needed someone with her for this so called journey and he was the only one that seemed to get what she was going through.
He made a quick glance at her as he drove. She looked tense. He knew she was nervous by the way she would play with her hands every now and then. They had been on the road for about a half hour and he figured that they would reach their destination in another half or so. He thought she was pretty brave for doing something like this. Going to see her dying biological mother despite their history or lack there of. He admired her courage. He just wished he had her strength and he courage, if he did, he wouldn't be in the situation he was in with Dan.
"There are some books back there if you wanna read them to pass the time." He offered. Before they left to get on the road they had swung by his house so he could leave his mom a note and get a couple of things.
"Thanks Luke, but I'm not really in the mood to read, you know? I'm not really in the mood to do anything to tell you the truth. This is all just surreal. I just keep on hoping that sooner or later I'll open my eyes and wake up from this all." She kept her focus straight ahead so she wouldn't see the look that she knew he had. That concerned, "see into her soul" look that he would get whenever she would tell him something rather personal.
"Peyt I know you're pretty much thinking how much your life sucks right now, but when things aren't going the way we want them to we've gotta do something about it right? So that's what you're doing… you're going to see Ellie. You're doing your best to make things better and… I admire you for that." Their eyes met right after the last words he had uttered. There was the look again and Peyton couldn't help but get lost in it. She quickly turned away when she realized what she had been doing. He was making her nervous and scared again… he was making her feel again and she wasn't sure if she liked it.
"I um… we need some music," She stammered, "Y-yeah. That's what we need, music." Her shaky hands found their way to the dial and went through various stations until she found a station she liked.
Lucas watched her out of the corner of his eye and saw that she was looking everywhere, but at him. She must've been nervous or something. Slightly shrugging, he stopped watching her and went right back to his driving. They were almost there since the next exit was the town Ellie had been staying in.
Peyton noticed this, too. Once she got a glimpse of the exit she shut her eyes and leaned back into her seat in a way to calm her. This was going to be a long day.
I spend all my energy staying up right
And I like the masking noise quiet of your breathing nearby
Come on, come on, let's do it again
"Peyton we're here." He said for about the tenth time in a row. They had been sitting in the car that was currently parked in front of Ellie's house for fifteen minutes, but she hadn't said a word since they got there. He was getting worried.
"I know," Frustrated, she ran her hand through her short hair, "I know."
"Well than what's wrong?"
"Luke what if she's dead or what if this isn't even the right address? I don't want to go over there and be humiliated. What if—"
"Or what if Ellie's in there and she's fine and all she wants to do is talk to her daughter?" He watched as her face softened. Hopefully, he was getting through to her.
"My point is you'll never know unless you try, right? We've already come this far." He could tell she was already giving in by the look in her eyes. His little speech of encouragement worked.
Sighing, she got out of the car and stepped onto the sidewalk. She walked slowly to the small house. Both fear and anticipation consumed her with each step. She felt her stomach churn; a feeling she would only get when she knew she shouldn't be doing something. She couldn't do this.
She turned around quickly and tried to bolt back to her car, but an arm pulled her back.
"Luke let's just go back home," She pleaded, "I can't do this."
"Yes you can," He said as he gently gripped on to her shoulders so that he was looking right into her eyes and then he added softly, "You can do this Peyton. I believe in you."
"Luke." She began, ready to start arguing any minute now.
"C'mon Peyt. You can do this, I'll be right in there with you."
She nodded and he finally released her from his hold. She turned in the direction of the house and took a deep breath. Lucas was right; she could do this. She walked up the steps and made her way onto the small porch. It was now or never.
She raised her hand to ring the doorbell, but then pulled it back. She needed to think. Was she really doing this? Was she really outside of her biological mother's home ready to see if she was dead, alive, or even living there? She turned and looked at Lucas for support. His gaze urged her to do what she had to do. Again, she rose up her hand, but this time she rang the doorbell. Some strange melody started to play for about a few seconds, but no one came out. They waited for a couple more minutes, but still no one appeared.
"Okay we've came, knocked on the door, and no one was home. So can we go now?" An exasperated Peyton replied. She was happy that no one answered and that she didn't have to face her fears, but she still felt a little disappointed. Okay, so she felt really disappointed, but what could she do?
Lucas sighed. He really wanted Peyton to be able to make peace with Ellie, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
"Yeah," He nodded as they both turned around, "We can go."
"I'm sorry Peyton."
"It's okay. I don't think I would've been able to handle seeing her anyway. Who knows—" She abruptly stopped her sentence when they both heard the sound of a door creaking. Before looking back at the house they looked at each other for both knew what was happening.
Peyton couldn't move. This wasn't happening, she thought she was home free.
"Peyton… Lucas. What are you guys doing here?" A surprised Ellie stood by the door. She didn't expect her daughter and her friend to be standing on her porch.
Peyton couldn't believe it. The woman that she thought she would probably never see again was standing a few feet away from her. She didn't look like she was extremely sick, hell she really didn't look too sick at all. Suddenly the resentment that Peyton thought had gone away was flaring up again and she didn't exactly know why.
Peyton stayed silent and not because she had nothing to say, but because she knew if she were to say something now it wouldn't come out in a nice way at all.
"We just came to see how you were doing." Lucas spoke for her.
"Oh well… that's very nice of you, does Larry know you're hear Peyton?" She averted her gaze to Peyton, who was still very much silent.
"No. He doesn't… he's back out to sea." She replied. The cold tone was evident in her voice. There was a growing tension between the two and Lucas couldn't help but notice it.
"Oh," Ellie said flatly, noticing the coldness of Peyton's voice, "You guys can come in if you want… you know, to talk or something."
"No. We've seen you and apparently you're fine so Lucas and me are going to go now." She grabbed Lucas' arm and began to pull him towards her car.
"Oww, Peyton! Peyton what are you doing?" He pulled his arm away from her death grip once they finally stopped in front of her car.
"We're going home, Luke." She stated as if he asked the dumbest question in the world.
"But she's here, Peyt. Don't you want to talk to her or mend fences… anything. You can't keep on doing this to yourself."
She shook her head, "I thought I could do this Luke, but I can't," She tried her best to hold back tears, "It's just too hard."
"Everything's gonna be fine. She just wants to talk to you… just five minutes, Peyt. We'll just stay for five minutes and then we can go."
She stared down at the sidewalk and then glanced up at him, "Okay five minutes and no more than that."
"Okay." He smiled as they turned back around. Luckily, Ellie was still standing by the door. Lucas gently squeezed her shoulder for support as they made their way back over to the house. The outcome of what was about to happen could go definitely go either way.
"Now are you sure you two are gonna be okay out on the road?" Ellie asked for the millionth time in a row.
"Yes." Both Peyton and Lucas said.
"Okay. You know I hate to sound like, well like a mom," Peyton laughed at this, "But it's getting dark and I just want you two to be safe." It was getting pretty late. They had gone into Ellie's house around 3 and now it was nearing 7:30. Five minutes had turned into four hours as Peyton and Ellie caught up on things.
Lucas had to admit, he had never seen two people, who at first seemed like they were going to bite each other's heads off, be so comfortable with each other the next. Things had definitely started off shaky, but by the end of their visit he was sure that whatever happened between Peyton and Ellie to get Peyton so angry with her was now forgotten.
"It was nice talking to you Lucas." Ellie stuck her hand out for Lucas to take.
"You, too." He shook her hand and then stepped off of the porch and went to stand by the car to give Peyton and Ellie their privacy.
"So kid I guess this is it."
Peyton smiled a little as she shrugged, "Yeah."
"You know Peyton I was thinking the holidays, they're coming up and I know you were telling me that your father won't be home until the week after Christmas. I wouldn't want you to spend Christmas alone and all so if you want to, now this is only if you want to, I don't want you to do this because I'm sick or anything, but you could come back here during the Holidays or something, just so you wouldn't have to be alone or anything. You know, just so we could talk some more since I don't know long I'm gonna be over here for and—"
"I'd really like that." She cut her off before she could say anymore. That was probably one of the nicest things someone had ever said to her.
"Okay," Ellie tried not to get too excited that she was actually getting somewhere with her daughter, "Good… so I guess I'll see you sometime next week or so." Peyton nodded.
"Yeah… take care of yourself Ellie." She added right before she turned around and went down the steps and onto the sidewalk. She walked over to where Lucas was standing and then both waved goodbye to Ellie right before she went into the house. Even after the door was closed Peyton continued to stare at the house. She was just so amazed at how things had turned out. They had actually turned out well and she couldn't have felt better.
"Well that went well." Luke spoke up after a few moments of silence.
"Yeah it did." She nodded as she finally took her gaze off of the house and onto him.
"So you ready to go home now?"
"Yeah." She whispered. She felt like she was finally at peace with herself.
She watched Lucas open both the car door for her to get in she sat in the passenger seat and waited for Lucas to get in. Once he finally got in she waited for him to start the car, but his phone started to ring.
"Sorry," He apologized as he took his phone out of his pocket and checked to see whom it was.
"Hello?"
Peyton turned her head and tried to busy herself with looking out the window so he wouldn't think she was listening in on his conversation.
"I didn't feel too good earlier so I decided to go home." He explained to the girl who was practically two seconds away from nagging him.
"You know what, I'm still kinda feeling sick, so I'll call you whenever or I'll just see you tomorrow." He tried to say that in the nicest way possible and without leaving her a chance to respond he hung up.
"Sorry." He apologized again as he started the car.
"It's okay."
He nodded as they pulled off and headed for the road.
"So I'm guessing that was Brooke on the phone." She could tell by the somewhat aggravated look on his face that it was Brooke.
"How'd you know?" He asked not once taking his eyes off of the road partly because of safety reason and because he didn't want her to see the look in his eyes.
"Eh… lucky guess." She lied.
"Well you were right."
"You didn't sound too thrilled, did you tell her where you were?" Her curiosity got the best of her. It wasn't like she wanted to know every detail that was going on with him and Brooke; she just wanted to know this one thing.
"If I told her that I was on a road trip with you she would never stop arguing with me about it. Regardless of what she says she still doesn't trust me enough to be alone with you so I guess it's better if we just keep this between us."
The tone in his voice told her to just agree and change the subject. He obviously was not in the mood to talk about Brooke.
"Okay."
"Hey Luke." She said after their somewhat long period of silence.
"Hmm?"
"You know with everyone pretty much doing their on thing lately I was surprised when you offered to come here with me—"
"Peyton—"
"And I really appreciate it you know? You being here with me because it helped… it helped a lot," Her voice cracked a little as she tried to hold back the emotion that she was feeling, "So I just wanted to say thank you. It really meant a lot that you came."
Breaking his gaze off of the road, he turned and got a quick glance at her. She didn't have to thank him; he came because he wanted to, because he cared about her.
"Peyton I—"
"Don't ruin it okay?" She forced a smile as she averted her gaze right back to the window.
A small smile appeared on his face as he nodded and then put his concentration back on the road.
I spend all my energy walking up right
And I like the masking noise quiet of your breathing me nearby
when I accelerate I remember why it's good to be alive
They had been on the road for 45 minutes and he had practically been in his own world just thinking. He had mostly been thinking about what Peyton had told him when they first took off about everybody doing there own thing… it made him realize how true that was. When was the last time he had actually had a real meaningful conversation with her about her life? They had been so close over the summer and he didn't want to lose that.
"I know you told me not to say anything Peyton, but I just—I just wanna let you know that I'm always going to be there for you… no matter what. I just want to be there you Peyt."
He was going to say more, but stopped when he felt an impact on his shoulder. He looked down and saw an asleep Peyton with her head on his shoulder and her arm wrapped around his. She must've not heard what he said, but he couldn't resist smiling at the sight before him. She looked so peaceful when she slept; he just hoped that she wouldn't have any nightmares tonight. Come to think about it he hadn't felt this at peace in awhile either. Spending the day with Peyton had been great; she made him feel okay to just be himself. He reached over and gently brushed some stray hairs out of her face as an overwhelming feeling came over him. He hadn't felt this way in a long time, he had buried those feelings or at least he thought he did months ago. He quickly turned his head and focused on the road again. He couldn't be feeling like this, he just couldn't.
Maybe this weight was a gift
like I had to see what I could lift
Well that's it for this chapter, thanks for the reviews you guys. I'm glad you're liking this so far so just continue reading and if you haven't heard of Nada Surf before I suggest you check them out, they're really awesome. Okay…enough band pimping I hope you guys liked this chapter.