I look in the mirror to see what my hair is doing
is it kind of sky walker or is it kind of stupid?
But that's not the real reason I'm looking
I need a reminder of what I'm doing
I need a reminder that I'm human
In The Mirror-Nada Surf

Peyton stood in front of her mirror and stared at herself. It was Monday night and she had to go to school tomorrow; her first day of school since Ellie left. They had the day off because of the New Years Holiday and she was very grateful for that. She didn't know if she was ready to go back to school and face everyone. She wondered if it showed? She wondered if her emotional turmoil physically showed and that's why she was looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't know if she could do it; be strong and put on a brave front in front of her friends as she watched Brooke and Lucas and Nathan and Haley couple off and leave her to cope on her own. That's how she was used to handle things anyway, alone…

She let her mind drift off to one of the many late night conversations she had with Ellie over the Holidays. They would always sit by the fireplace at around a little past midnight and just talk. Their last conversation before Ellie took off that morning was the one that stuck with her. Even though they didn't know each other for so long, Ellie always knew just what to say.

"So Peyton ever since you've been here we've been talking every night. I hope my advice has been helpful because Lord knows I'm probably not the best person to give it."

"No you actually have been helping me a lot, Ellie. Before I came here, I was so afraid that we wouldn't be able to talk like we have been now. I actually thought you would either kick me out or I would take myself out after the first night." Ellie and Peyton both shared a laugh during her last words.

"Yeah, but it hasn't been that bad, has it?"

"No, no not at all. It's been better than I expected. I've been having a great time."

"Me too, kid." Ellie offered a small smile to her daughter.

"So like I said we've been talking a lot; we've been having conversations about everything a mother and daughter should, I guess, except for one thing." Ellie hinted.

Peyton sighed; she knew exactly what Ellie was talking about.

"And what's that?" She played along.

"Your love life, Peyton. You're a beautiful young woman and I'm sure boys are practically falling at your feet."

Peyton let out a shy laugh, "Yeah right."

"Oh c'mon. You mean to tell me there's no one you've got your eye on?" She looked Peyton in the eyes hoping to get some kind of response, but Peyton just laughed.

"This is embarrassing." Peyton laughed and soon Ellie was laughing along with her. It felt good to laugh with her daughter. It was something she wanted to do ever since she first held her in her arms but that was quickly denied. Now here she was laughing with her daughter and nothing felt better.

"All right fine," She spoke once their laughter was over, "You don't have to tell me." She decided to play the disinterested card, hoping that that would get Peyton to spill.

"Okay you're doing that parent thing." Peyton playfully accused.

"What? I wouldn't know what is." She tried to play it off.

"Oh yeah you do. You're doing the whole 'I'll pretend that I really don't want to know what she's thinking so then she'll just tell me herself' thing."

"All right you caught me," Ellie laughed, but then quickly became serious, "It's just I want you to learn how to be more open, Peyton. You can't close yourself off all the time. I just want to get to know the real Peyton. Not the one that hides behind her art or music, but just the real you."

Avoiding her eyes, Peyton nodded and looked down at the wooden floor.

"Well there was this guy; there is this guy and we had a pretty interesting past. We were in love—well, at least I was in love with him, but we never told each other. So to make a long story short a lot of stuff happened and eventually I had to him go."

"Did you really have to let him go or were you just scared?"

She looked up at Ellie and nodded, "I was scared and I'm still scared, but I'm pretty sure he was scared, too. I mean what we had was scary—we had this strange, intense emotional connection. He was unlike anyone I've ever met and he was the first person to really see me. I mean me, not the happy cheerleader or the girl that hides behind her art, but me. Somewhere along the road we ended up drifting apart. I got in a serious relationship with someone else and that was the end of it. He's still around of course, the guy, but I just rather push those feelings away."

Ellie was impressed. Peyton had definitely been through a lot. She never knew teenagers actually felt like that or maybe what Peyton and that guy had was just rare.

"And that other guy, did you love him, too?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't the same," And then she added in a low whisper, "They were different."

"Well that's certainly a lot to handle. Your heart has been through a lot—"

Peyton nodded, "Oh yeah…"

"When you let it feel." She locked eyes with Peyton and again she avoided them.

"So you said that he's still around…. Why don't you just tell him how you really feel?"

Peyton just shrugged.

"You said it yourself the feelings are still there."

She sadly shook her head, "I couldn't do that—we're friends now and he's involved with some else now, so I guess it really is too late." She sighed as the realization finally hit her. It was really was too late.

Ellie placed her hand on Peyton's shoulder, "It's never too late. If you feel so strongly about this boy then it has to be worth something. Live life to the fullest, Peyton. You deserve happiness…"

But two dreams have been damaged in life
when you need so much you can't get it right
who else is here today all the lonely can't obey

She closed her eyes. She remembered that conversation well. She missed Ellie; she missed her so much, but she had to do what she had to do.

"Hmm… I know what you're thinking." She heard a voice taunt her only it was her voice.

She opened her eyes and saw her gothic self-conscience standing right behind her in the mirror.

"Oh no." Peyton groaned. This wasn't happening again—why was this happening again?

"Looking in the mirror again are we? I wonder if Lucas will like my hair better curly or straight?" Her conscience teased.

Peyton shut her eyes as she tried to get that annoying voice out of her head.

"Lucas doesn't care about stuff like that and neither do I so go away."

"But that doesn't mean you weren't thinking about him."

Peyton turned around, "Okay why are you here? I thought we were done. I, I made peace with Ellie and I found the stupid bracelet so what do you want?"

"Again Peyton we're never done. Whether you want to realize it or not, I'm a part of you. So yeah you made peace with Ellie, big deal."

Peyton glared at well, herself, "Big deal? Wasn't that the whole reason why you suddenly came out anyway?"

"Well yeah, part of it, but you still have one more thing to do."

Peyton let out a frustrated sigh, "I really, really need to seek some help. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea."

"Oh believe me therapy won't help us, we're way passed that anyway… we're not crazy. We're just a little lost."

"That's about the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Okay... you know what I think I am going crazy," She let out a bitter laugh, "I'm talking to myself."

"What did Ellie tell you before she took off?"

"What can I do to get rid of you?" Peyton avoided her question and asked her one of her own.

"You can start taking Ellie's advice and start living your life."

Peyton rolled her eyes, "Oh yeah because it's really that easy."

"It's as easy as you allow it to be. You know you can really be a bitch when you want to."

She let out a stifled laugh, "Look who's talking."

"You are." Her conscience pointed out.

I look in the mirror
why am I complicated
try to see clearer the sun has faded

Peyton sighed. She could never win.

"Okay you know what? This needs to stop right now. I can't keep on seeing you and talking to you because it's weird and it's crazy. So just tell me what it is I have to do so I can get you to go away." She was just so frustrated. She couldn't take any of this anymore; she just wanted to be… happy.

"Lucas." She said simply.

"What about him?"

"Oh don't play dumb. You're still in love with him and maybe you thought that the feelings went away, but they never did. You buried them for a while and tried to find those same feelings with Jake, but it just wasn't the same."

She sighed. She knew that what her conscience was saying was right. That's how she had been feeling for a long time now she just didn't want to face the truth and now she was being forced to.

"I know you know that I'm right."

"You're right, okay," She whispered coming close to tears, "But what am I supposed to do? He's with Brooke and he's happy—"

"You don't know that." She interjected.

"Yeah, but I do know that Brooke's happy and I don't want to hurt her again."

"You know what I have to hand it to us. We can be bitches when we want to, but we can also be damn good friends and selfless; we can also be selfless, but that's not always a good thing."

Her self-conscience walked over to where she was standing and placed her hands on both sides of her arms.

"If you want Lucas back you're going to have to fight for him just like he could've fought for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh c'mon Peyton. I thought we knew this, oh wait we knew this, but you just didn't want to face it. Remember when you found out Lucas called Jake? Do you remember how you felt?"

"Grateful I guess."

"Yeah you felt that, but you also felt disappointed. Disappointed because Lucas didn't actually step up and take care of you himself. Instead he had to call Jake to do it and why? Because you pushed him away of course, that's what you do Peyton you just push people away until they can't take it anymore and actually leave."

"I didn't mean to push him away." She whispered.

"You probably didn't mean it, but it happened and you did and now look where he is. He's with Brooke now and I know you think that there's nothing that you can do about it, but there is."

Going against her instinct, which was not to say anything, she asked anyway, "What?"

"Tell him how you feel about him."

She was convinced that it really was impossible to get some sleep. Sure it was only 8 at night and she wasn't used to sleeping this early, but she was tired. She tried doing one of her infamous podcasts, but that didn't work, and she tried counting sheep, but that didn't work either. In fact, it never did. She couldn't get her conversation, with well herself, out of her head. As much as she was an advocate for honesty, she hated facing the truth. Besides how could she ever tell Lucas how she felt if she didn't know how she really felt to begin with? She knew that the feelings she had for him were still there, but if she could only have him as a friend she could learn to live with that.

"Hey."

Peyton looked towards her door. She was surprised to see Haley standing by it.

"Hey." She finally got out. There was somewhat of an awkward silence as Peyton just sat on her bed with a million thoughts going through her head and Haley just stood by the door not sure where to move or what to do.

"Oh I'm sorry. Haley c'mon in."

Haley walked into to Peyton's room. Before sitting down, she took a look around her room and smiled. Peyton was always doing something different with her room.

"Wow, the room looks amazing Peyton." Haley admired as she glanced at the new art on the walls.

"I forgot you haven't been in here since… well since a little before you left."

"Yeah." Haley whispered.

"So what brings you here Scott? Did Brooke send you or something?" She asked as she sat up on her bed.

"Um Lucas actually." She hesitated a little before answering.

"What?" Asked a now beyond confused Peyton.

"Peyton I heard about what happened to your mom and I'm really sorry." She offered her condolences to her somewhat distant friend. Everything felt so awkward and she hated for things to be like this between them. They were so close before she left for that tour; everything was so much better before she left.

"Thanks Hales, but you don't have to say or do anything. Ellie did what she had to do," She assured her and then added with a weak smile, "I'm okay."

"No you're not. Look I know we haven't been all that close lately but I can still see past that little wall you're putting up."

Peyton looked over at Haley and just stayed silent.

"It's okay to be sad or angry about what happened." Haley got up from the chair she was sitting on and moved to take a seat next to Peyton on the bed.

"Hales you don't have to do this—"

"Hey it's gonna be okay." She leaned over and hugged Peyton. Peyton held onto her arm as she tried to resist the urge to cry, but a few tears came out anyway.

"I just want you to know despite what happened between us it's in the past, you know? I'm still here for you."

She nodded and pulled away from the hug, "Thank you Haley."

"It's no problem—that's what friends are for right?" She smiled.

"Yeah." Peyton said softly as she wiped under her eyes.

"So really Peyton how are you feeling?"

"I miss her, Hales. You know when I first found out that she had cancer I didn't think I'd be this sad when she ended up well wherever she is right now, but she's gone now, I don't know if she's alive or dead and whenever I think about her I start to cry." Her voice cracked on every other word as she fought the urge to cry.

"And that's okay, Peyton. I've never lost someone close to me—the closest I've come to that was when Lucas got in that accident and all I could think about was how we ended off on bad terms and whether he was going to wake up or not. I was so scared—it was all so surreal. Just thinking about losing someone close to me makes me scared and I know I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here if you ever need to talk or if you just want to take your mind off things."

"Thanks Hales and um, about my attitude earlier when you came back from the tour—I know I wasn't that friendly, hell I wasn't friendly at all, but I was taking my anger about people always leaving out on you. I know I was a huge bitch—"

"Don't say it Peyton. It's all right and it's all in the past. It's a new year."

"Yup a new year that's hopefully good for the both of us."

"Yeah." Haley nodded.

"But I'm sure things are gonna be great for you this year anyway since you and Nathan are back together again." Peyton teased as she playfully nudged Haley.

Haley blushed, "We're not completely back to what we were but it's getting there."

Peyton smiled. She was happy that Nathan and Haley had found their way back to each other. They were her beacons that true love did in fact exist.

"I'm really happy for you, too."

"Thanks Peyton."

"It's no problem Hales."

"See? I've missed this, Peyton."

She resisted the urge to laugh, "Missed what?"

"This… us hanging out and talking like we used to."

"Yeah now that you've mentioned it I've missed it, too, but at least we're talking now, right?"

"Yeah but dude we've gotta start doing this more often! Brooke is great and all, but I can't tell her about a book I read, or have heart to hearts with her, and I won't even risk trading CDs with her—"

Peyton laughed, "Sounds like I've been sorely missed."

Haley laughed and sighed, "Sorely isn't the word."

"Well I've missed you, too Hales. I haven't really been hanging out or talking with any of you lately so talking to you right now really helps."

"Well of course it does. After all Haley James Scott is still supremely awesome."

Peyton laughed, "Cocky much?"

Haley's eyes widened in amusement, "Oh please! What about you and you're 'sounds like I've been sorely missed'?"

Instead of getting an answer from Peyton she got a pillow straight to the face.

"Hey!" Haley hit Peyton back with the pillow.

"Dude!" She shouted after Haley hit her with the pillow. She wasn't expecting her to hit back. Nonetheless after a minute or two the two girls were laughing hysterically just like old times.

Once their laughter was over Peyton and Haley both lay on Peyton's bed just staring at the ceiling.

"Hey Hales." Peyton turned her head to look at Haley.

"Yeah?" She turned her head to look at Peyton.

"Have you ever—nah… forget it. It's stupid." She was actually contemplating telling her about seeing her conscience and all that other crazy stuff that had been going on, but she decided against it.

"Peyton I'm sure it isn't stupid. You can tell me." She assured her.

"Okay," She gave in, "Lately I've been having these… these dreams where my conscience is like talking to me and telling me what to do with my life."

"Wow," Haley said after a long silence, "That is pretty strange. So what did you guys talk about?"

"Well we would talk about Ellie and how I should make peace with her. I did that and after I did the dreams stopped, but before you came by I had another one, but we weren't talking about Ellie anymore." That's all Peyton would let herself say. She couldn't tell Haley about Lucas just yet after all Haley was Brooke's roommate and she wasn't willing to hurt her best friend again.

Haley nodded. She knew better than to pry right now.

"I wish I had dreams like that. Usually my dreams are about aliens taking over the world and oh yeah once I had the strangest dream about Lucas and Chris so compared to mine your dreams are pretty kick ass."

Peyton just laughed. That wasn't the response that she was hoping for, but it was times like these where she was really grateful to have a friend like Haley. She was definitely one of a kind.

"So how long do you plan on staying Scott?"

"Who knows Brooke was practically all over Lucas when I left so I don't think I wanna go back there anytime soon."

She quickly shook of Haley's comment. Whatever it was that Brooke and Lucas were doing had nothing to do with her anymore. She would just have to learn to ignore the slight pain she felt in her heart.

"Well speaking of Brooke, did Lucas tell her about what happened, too?"

"Yeah he told both of us at the same time, actually. She hasn't been by?"

Peyton shook her head, "No she hasn't, but it's okay. She's probably busy with her clothing line. She'll come around."

"You don't have to cover for her. If she wasn't so wrapped up in Lucas, her clothing line, and herself she would be over here and you know it."

Deep down Peyton knew that Haley was right about Brooke, but no matter what she would always give her the benefit of the doubt. Lately their friendship had been pretty one sided and while Peyton was conscious of this she always made some excuse for Brooke even though she knew it was wrong.

"I'm really surprised they're together, you know?" Haley changed the subject.

"Who?" She asked. She was so immersed in her own thoughts that she forgot what they were talking about.

"Brooke and Lucas." Haley watched Peyton's facial expression changed. Her mood seemed to darken as soon as Brooke and Lucas were mentioned and then it dawned on her.

"Yeah." Peyton turned her head back towards the wall.

"You still care about him don't you?" Haley asked softly.

"What? No Haley that's crazy." She denied it.

"You know just because Brooke's my roommate doesn't mean I can't see what's right in front of me. You and Lucas had a strong connection. Remember that day on the rooftop when you told me that you were in love with him?" She tried to reach out to her and get a glimpse of her feelings, but Peyton remained guarded.

Not taking her gaze off the wall she replied, "Lucas and I are just friends."

"Whatever you say." Haley sighed and went back to staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey Hales." Once again she turned her head to look at Haley.

"Hmm?"

"Whenever Brooke and Lucas are doing… whatever, you can always crash here if you want. I'm sure sleeping on the couch isn't much fun." She offered.

Haley smiled and nodded, "Thanks Peyton."

"No problem." She whispered as she turned back on her side and thought about their conversation. Was it that obvious? Did it show on her face now? Could everyone see that she had feelings for Lucas? How come everyone could see it, but she still couldn't understand it? She was all over the place and with everything that had happened in the past few days she wasn't sure if she would ever be okay again.

In my dreams I look through a
snowstorm in the night
the windows open wide
here comes your frantic lie

All right that's the end of that chapter. Once again sorry it took so long, school has been murder. Thanks for the reviews; they really keep me motivated!