Even Our Emotions Have an Echo
Author's Note: So I officially know where I'm going with this. I have a plan and everything. So bare with me as I make it actually happen. The tone of this chapter is a lot more dark than I intended it to be, but I think it's necessary for Mer's character development. It's not going to stay this dark. I have planned a light at the end of this tunnel. Feedback helps me write, so keep it coming.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
It is this moment in time in which my world falls around me. I can't say I've even felt this way before. My mother died. Alone. Exactly what I feared would happen to her. George is still talking, but I can't hear him. He leaves and Derek grabs me. I let him. I begin to sob controllably. Nothing else matters in this moment. Not my fight with Christina, Derek, or Izzie. My mommy is dead.
Derek is holding me in his arms rocking me. I allow myself to melt into his arms and simply not care. He is here with me now and that's exactly what I need in this moment. His strong embrace makes me feel secure. I'm not too sure how long we've been in this position. Derek is silent and I can't stop crying.
"She died sad and alone," I cry in between my sobs.
"Ssshh," Derek tells me as he smoothes my hair away from my face. There's nothing he can say to contradict my last statement. I allow myself to lie in his arms until I fall asleep.
I wake up a few hours later and Derek is still holding me. He is asleep. I stir and begin to get up.
"Meredith," he groggily calls out.
"I have to get going. I need to talk to Chief. I need to make arrangements. I need to deal with this. I'm fine. I knew this was coming sooner or later," I lie trying to compose myself and sound secure. Derek eyes see through me and I feel like a little girl standing in front of him. I want nothing more to curl into a ball and lie in his arms, but I can't. He's not mine.
"I'll call you later," again I lie and yet again he doesn't believe me. Not able to take his stare anymore I turn and leave the room. My head is spinning I can't break or think. Slowly I walk to Chief's office. Softly I knock on the door and walk into the office.
Chief looks up at me his eyes filled with pain.
"Meredith," he says softly. I've never seen him like this. So raw, so hurt, so exposed.
"I couldn't do it. Damnit I loved her, but I just couldn't do it. I broke her heart. I never stopped loving her. She died alone because of me. Because of my need to do the right thing, but I didn't do anything but hurt all of us, including you. Meredith I'm so sorry."
"She loved you until the day she died. I remember being a little girl trying to crawl into bed with her in the middle of the night and she would be crying. I never knew why. I used to think it was because she missed my father. But it was because you abandoned her," I stop as I see Dr. Webber wince at my words, "Part of herself died when you chose Adele. She became cold and distant. She saw no really reason to express or feel emotion, and I can't help by see myself slowly turning into her."
Chief looks at me as if he knew what I just said were true. "Your mother was an amazing woman, and so are you. Go home. Come back when you're ready. Let me know if you need anything."
I'm sitting at the counter of Joe's. The burning sensation of tequila feels so bittersweet running down my throat. I can't go home. I would have to deal with Izzie, and right about now I can't deal with even myself. I'm not strong enough. I can't deal with this. Why am I fighting so hard? Would it not be easier for me to transfer to the program in San Francisco or somewhere that isn't here? I'm a bad friend, a bad person, and a bad daughter.
"Pour me another," I ask Joe. I don't give a damn that it's three in the afternoon. I feel like shit now, and I just want it to go away. I lost count of the shots long ago. Joe looks at me worriedly and pours me another shot. I feel myself slipping into the point of perfect numbness. None of my thoughts make sense and for the first time in a long while my thoughts are silenced. I give into the notion that I'm a drunk, lovesick whore.
I stumble as I try to get off my stool to grab my bag.
"Whoa there," Joe says as he reaches out to help steady me. I dig around in my bag and manage to find my cell phone. Finn.
"Hey I'm at Joe's. That bar across the street from the hospital could you please come pick me up," I as trying so hard to put on my sober voice. I focus on saying each word clearly. He tells me he'll be here in five minutes.
I take another shot, grab my stuff, and go wait for him outside. He pulls up right on time, as always, and gets out the car. I reek of alcohol, and while I'm scary and damaged this is not normal for me. Finn doesn't ask any questions, but rather helps me in the car and drives off.
"I don't want to go home," I declare breaking the painful silence in the car.
"Okay then," Finn replies. God, he's perfect. Why can't I love him? I have to love him; all I have to do is try. I know I can do it. He will be so good for me.
I'm sitting on the couch in Finn's house. He's cooking me something to eat. Shit, he's so perfect. I sneak behind him while he's at the stove and I kiss him on the neck. He turns around and hands me a glass of orange juice.
"You should sit down," he says. I had just gotten out of the shower. I am wearing one of his big button up shirts my hair is still wet, and I'm still pretty drunk. Derek fed the beast and I can't think of anything I want more in this moment than Finn's body pressed up against mine. I'm still in that point of perfect numbness. No Mom. No Derek. No pain. Just me and this perfect man in front of me.
I lure him away from the stove and press him against the refrigerator. I press my body against his and begin to kiss him. Hard and passionate. He pushes me off him.
"Meredith…" Finn beings as I silence him with another kiss. My hands move to take off his belt. "Meredith." Finn shouts as he forcefully pushes me off him. Suddenly I'm not so drunk anymore. My head suddenly becomes clearer as I begin to realize the realities of this horrific situation.
I can't bring myself to look him in the eye. I have never felt dirtier in my entire life. "Finn, please take me home," I ask meekly.
"After you've had something to eat," Finn appears unfazed and continues to cook me food.
"Seriously Finn, stop. Stop," I scream.
"You need to eat, Meredith."
"No you can't cook for me. You can't be so perfect. I don't deserve this, any of this. I'm a horrible person. If you only knew how horrible I am you wouldn't do any of this. The best thing is for me to be out of your life. I'm going to do nothing but hurt you. I'm not ready for your plans, and I don't fucking deserve to have any part of them," I began to scream as I began to cry uncontrollably. "I'm still in love with Derek, and I can't stop. Oh Finn, I really want to stop. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm such a mess. Izzie's life is falling apart, and I'm not there for her and my mother died this morning. She died, Finn, alone. I wasn't there for her. It's my job to be there for her. I was the only person she had is this entire world and I wasn't there."
"Meredith." Finn moves to step closer to me but I move away. There's not a single reason that I can think of that I deserve to be consoled by him.
"Finn, don't. Don't touch me. Don't do anything. Please just take me home."
"Your scary, damaged, and broken and maybe I can't help you, and maybe you won't let me, but you can't keep pushing people out of your life. I'm almost certain you won't let me love you, and I had no idea what's going on with you and Derek, but goddamnit…"
"I'm sorry. Finn, please take me home. You don't deserve any of this, and I'm sorry I can't give you more."
"You can Mer. You have so much to give."
"I can't. Not now. I have so much I need to fix, and I can't bring you into this. Please Finn, take me home."
Finn stands there looking at me. He moves to grab his keys. I look around his house. I know this is the last time I'll ever be here. I grab my things and walk to Finn's car.
I open the front door to my house. Relieved to finally be home. There's a thousand things I need to go. I need to get changed check on Izzy, and go over to my mother's old nursing home. I cannot believe that I haven't even called yet.
I take a few steps into the house, not really expecting to see anyone. The house is filled with the smell of Chocolate. I walk into the kitchen. The counters are filled with pans of cupcakes and a decadent looking cake. I see Izzie scrubbing a pan vigorously.
"Izzie."
"Hey Mer," Izzie exclaims.
Izzie is wearing a soft pink sundress. Her hair is done up in a beautiful bun. She's wearing a full face of make-up. She looks absolutely stunning. She stops for a moment to look at me. She smiles at me and goes back to cleaning her pan. She moves to the oven to check on her cake.
"Izzie. What are you doing?"
"Baking silly. I mean I can't stay in bed forever. I have to go on with my life, and I mean I don't have a job or anything, so I figured I bake so some stuff for you guys. Mer, I'm fine really."
I just stand there and look at her.