Even Our Emotions Have An Echo

The Strength in Me

Author's Note: I'm going to try to finish this story eventually. I like when fan-fics have a sense of closure, so don't think that this is going to be one of the stories that go on and on forever. I'm going to start dealing more with the other characters. I think I've more or less established my Meredith and the direction she is heading. Thanks for the amazing feedback. Seriously, it helps me write.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

I push open the door to the exam room. This is a lot easier said than done with crutches. It's an awkward display that even a degree from Dartmouth couldn't make easier. Once I am able to get the door open and wedge my small body though the crack in the door I made with my crutch I see Christina sitting in a small armchair by Burke's bed. Christina is holding his trembling hand.

Neither of them ar talking. It's all understood. It's entirely possible that he'll never operate again. He's worried that Christina only loves him for being a prestigious surgeon, and Christina is scared of the emotional, loving person she's allowed herself to become.

"Dr. Grey," Preston says a few moments after I entered the room.

"Dr. Burke, how are you feeling?"

"Grey let's not ask silly questions. I will get over this. It's just another obstacle."

"Yes, yes you will." I shift my eyes to Christina. She looks so sad, so scared. She needs me. "Christina, can I talk to you for a second."

Christina doesn't acknowledge me, but rather gets up and leaves the room. I follow her to the locker room where she is waiting for me.

"I know you hate the whole sorry and crying scene, but I really need to get this stuff off my chest." Christina opens her mouth as if to protest, but I continue before she can begin. "These past couple of months I have been a mess. A complete selfish mess, and you've always been there to listen and to help me. I never realized how much this meant to me. I never stopped and took on the listening role. And things in my life are beyond shitty right now, but I'm not the only one who's in pain. My pain isn't anymore real that yours. And your right, a lot of this is my own fault, and I'm going to have to deal with this. But I can't do it alone, seriously, I can't." I stop to breathe and I see Christina's eyes soften.

"I'm sorry about you mother," she replies. She didn't need to acknowledge what I just said because I know she heard me, and we were a good as good could be in this moment in time.

"Thank you."

"What happened to your leg?"

"Derek jammed my knee with a door."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I replied. Christina stopped and gave me a questioning look. "No, no, nothing like that. Izzie burned herself baking and we brought her to the hospital. I was sitting on the floor and Derek swung the door open into my knee."

"Damn, only you. You still love him?"

"Yeah. So very much," I whisper.

"Mer, I'm scared."

"I know," I reply as I grab her hand in an attempt to console her, after all I'm her person.

gagagagagagagagagaga

Yet again I find myself hobbling down the halls of Seattle Grace. It's 4am. I'm so exhausted, but I know sleep won't come. I've already checked on Izzie. She is fast asleep in Alex's arms. Alex loves her so much. I mean, sure, he's an asshole, but love is love. He would help Izzie get through this. I'm sure Izzie will be ok. Did she really leave the program, though? She couldn't throw her entire life away. She is a surgeon.

I see Addison Shepard walking down the hall looking just as confused, and lost as I am. We stop walking and meet each other's gaze.

"So I heard Derek almost broke your knee."

"Pretty much. Addison…" I begin.

"Grey, don't. There's no point. My marriage was over long before he even met you. I'm still in love with him, and I didn't want to give up without a fight. God, I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love with him. I'm sad, and tired. I have to give up. Part of me hates you for making him love you in a way that he never loved me, not even when we first met. Yet, I pity you. I mean you've been through hell and back, and I admire the fact that you're still standing in front of me."

"Addison, you shouldn't be so nice to me. Last night…"

"Meredith, I know. Derek told me everything, and part of me already knew, and expected it. There's nothing I can do anymore. You can't make someone love you. We signed the papers."

I stood there in shock not sure what to say next. Why is she being so calm and understanding about this. I deserve to be yelled at and spat upon.

"But Meredith, do me a favor, and yourself a favor as well, stay strong. You have to maintain your identity, your sense of self. You can't just melt into his arms and expect to make everything to be okay. You have a lot of shit you're going to have to work out, and I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be awkward as hell, and uncomfortable, but it's that way for a reason. Don't let him hurt you anymore than he already has."

I am convinced Addison is amazing. Here she is helping me. Telling me things that I desperately need to hear. I know It's naïve of me to actually think that one day we will be friend, but I honestly think at the end of this Addison will be a friend and confidant.

"Thank you Addison. That really means a lot. It really does."

"I'm going to stop by the house tomorrow night and check on Izzie. I know she hates me, but I really don't want to see her waste her gift, and I mean I know what it's like to lose someone I love to situations beyond my control."

I wince at her words. "That would be nice," I respond.

"Good night Dr. Grey."

"Goodnight Dr. Sh- Montgomery." I notice her tense up when she hears me call her by her maiden name. I wonder the last time she was called Dr. Montgomery. She had to be absolutely terrified. She too thought that she was done. She thought that she had the man she would spend the rest of her life with. She now has to face a scary, big world all alone, and it was entirely possible that I would have to as well. But unlike her I had my family.

gagagagagagagagagaga

There's one more person I need to talk to, and I'm dreading it. I still have no idea what I'm going to say. He signed the papers. He could be mine if I wanted him to be. I don't know what I want. Addison is right I need to stand on my own. I can't keep going from man to man. I am okay on my own, but I love Derek, and he loves me. Yet, we already proved that our love is flawed. What's to stop us from ending like his first failed marriage? I wasn't willing to go through that.

I stand outside the resident's on-call room. I know he's inside there sleeping. Slowly I prop the door open with my crutch, and attempt my wedging myself through the doors in the same way that worked for me earlier. I feel my foot getting caught on my left crutch and I feel myself falling to the floor on my jammed knee with a thud. Fuck.

Derek jots out of bed and flees to my side. My knee is killing me, and I'm not too sure if I can move it.

"Meredith what happened. I need you to try to move you knee for me. Can you do that," Derek asks going into full out doctor mode.

I try to focus on moving my leg. It hurts so much. I breathe in a focus. Slowly I bend my knee. Good, one less thing to worry about. I didn't break my knee.

"What the hell were you trying to do," Derek asks me.

"Open the door."

"You could have knocked, I would have opened it."

"I know, it's just, I didn't want to wake you."

"I wouldn't have minded."

"I know, but I had a whole door opening strategy." I attempt to explain my method to Derek and he looks at me dumfounded, and then begins to laugh at me. "I'm serious. Okay, I admit it's pretty dumb, but it made so much sense at the time." I try to explain.

The two of us sit there on the floor laughing hysterically. We are genuinely enjoying this moment. It's the first time I've laughed in too long. After our laughter dies down we sit there and look at each other. Derek leans forward and touches my cheek. I put my hand on top of his. We are quiet and content in this moment. He leans in to kiss me, and I stop him.

"Derek, don't, please," I say. Derek pulls his hand away and looks hurt.

"Are you still with Finn," he asks his voice trembling.

I grab his hand and put it within my own. "No I'm not. That was over before it even began."

"I'm sorry."

"No don't be. Seriously, Derek I'm in love with you, and there's nothing I can do about that, but I just can't deal with us right now. I need to take care of my family and myself. I need to stand on my own, and so do you. We need to figure out exactly we want from one another. We just need time before we rush into things again. And maybe things don't work out, and we decide not to give it a second go round, but that's for us to decide when the time comes. I still want you in my life, and I'm pretty sure I always will."

"I understand."

I lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. I begin to tell him about my day. Not leaving out a single detail. He sits there and listens to me as I confide in him about my insecurities, my mother, Finn, everything. He holds me when I need to be held and sits through my moments of silence. He's everything I need him to be in this moment.

gagagagagagagagagaga

The next morning George drives Izzie and I home and then returns to the hospital to report for rounds. Izzie and I begin our slow ascent up the stairs and into our separate rooms.

"Let me know if you need anything," I tell Izzie.

She doesn't respond, but rather asks me a question. "I'm going to be alright aren't I?"

"Yes, yes you are. We're all going to be all right. Izzie I'm always here for you if you ever need anything. We all are."

Izzie smiles, genuinely, and goes into her room.

I turn and go into mine. I peel my clothes off my body and put on my Dartmouth tee-shirt, the one with the hole in the back. I lay my crutches beside the bed and lay my tired bed underneath the covers. It feels amazing. My head, and conscience are clear. I drift off into a calm, peaceful sleep, for the first time since I could remember.