Dear Johnny,
Catherine and Jason are fighting again today. I've stopped calling them mom and dad to save my own sanity. No surprise there I bet. Even when things were good once upon a time, they were never fit to be parents. Why does God feel the need to punish me like this? What did I do to make him angry? I ask myself these questions every day or every time I hear them fighting. But they are always left unanswered, no proof for this Hell. My prayers of having a better life also go unanswered and unseen. I know what they would do to me if I tried to escape. If I think my life is bad now… I try to hold on, waking up every day to tell myself that things will be different; that today something better will come along. But every day resembles my prayers…unanswered and always the same.
I wonder what you would say if you saw the three of us now. A family that once had everything with luxury in its name, is now a broken family living in a run-down apartment building; our downward spiral was caused solely by one word: addiction. My father is unemployed and a drug addict, while my mother is an abusive alcoholic. What would you think of us now, seeing your brother shooting drugs every morning, then spending the afternoon passed out at the kitchen table? Or how about your worthless sister-in-law drinking from sun up to sun down religiously each day? Then there's me, your niece who has managed to keep clean from the mentioned substances but has found herself five months pregnant with no one left to turn to for help. Even if I had the chance…he's too far away…
I wish I could know what it feels like to wake up every morning in an amazing house overlooking the ocean. Wouldn't that be wonderful; to live in total freedom with nothing holding you down? I guess I'll never know now. It would take a miracle to release me from this prison.
Love,
Audri Durant
Audri sighed and closed her diary, a previous birthday gift sent by her uncle. She listened to the rain beat steadily on the roof, then looked down at her growing belly and ran her hands over it. Her vision clouded as she felt the hot tears welling up in her eyes. She looked around her tiny, disheveled room and wondered how she was going to take care of her baby in such conditions. Audri had pondered adoption so many times, but how could she be certain that her child wouldn't end up in the same kind of life? She couldn't bear to think about it. Things had to change…and quickly, but how? She couldn't run away again, risking it once had been more than enough. She would get caught. Caught. The word lingered in her mind like an appalling curse word. When she had been caught the first time, she had paid for it dearly and had never attempted to escape again. It had taken months for the physical wounds to heal and the emotional ones never would. Thankfully, that had been nearly seven months ago, two months before the baby.
"Audri! Get out here right now!" a hoarse voice yelled, startling her.
Audri winced at the sound of her mother, but she knew better than to not obey. On her way to the living room, she witnessed the familiar scene of her father at the table, heating up the bottom of a spoon with a lighter. Slowly, the spoon's contents melted into liquid. She turned away, repulsed by what inevitably followed. Her mother was sitting on the couch swigging a beer as usual. She looked up at her daughter as she entered the room, her blue eyes bloodshot and glassy, while her filthy blonde hair hung in messy strands around her face.
"Get me another beer…and…bring me my cigarettes. I want my cigarettes," she slurred.
"Please, mom," Audri said hesitating on the word, but saying it gently, "you've already had enough today. Let me make you some coffee or something."
Her mother stared at her daughter, emptying the last of the beer that was left in the bottle without taking Audri out of her sight. Suddenly, she bolted upright from the couch, grabbed her daughter and shoved her against the wall. Audri's back made a cracking sound as it connected with the wall and she cried out in pain. Her hands instinctively went to her stomach.
"Don't tell me what I need, you little slut!" she screamed.
"Stop it! Please! Don't hurt it, please," Audri screamed back, remaining in a protective position on the floor.
Incredulously, her mother backed off, laughing, and stumbled back to the couch. Audri's eyes were wide with fear and her heart filled with anger as she found the strength to pick herself up carefully. Slowly, Audri went into the kitchen, taking a beer from the refrigerator and cigarettes from the drawer. After going into the living room and handing them to her mother without a word, she headed back toward her room.
"Hey sweetie, come here," her father whispered, as if he hadn't seen or heard any of the commotion before.
She turned to face him, cringing as he removed the needle from his arm. No matter how many times she saw him do this, she never got used to it.
"Yeah?" she whispered, keeping her eyes toward the living room.
He looked up at her again, almost surprised that she was standing there. Audri's eyes met his, and she knew that he had already forgotten that he asked her to his side. She watched his gaze fall to her stomach, then back up to her, and he began to laugh.
"Who knocked you up?" he asked, hysterical with laughter.
Audri turned away from the man she no longer knew, grief sinking in. The shame she felt was indescribable on so many levels.
"Wait, wait," her father whispered, reaching out for her arm and turning her around again.
"What?" Audri said, defeated.
She watched as he dug into his pocket and retrieved a large sum of up money, rolled up and secured with a rubber band.
"Take this and get me some more," he pointed to the small empty bag lying near his arm. "You know where to go."
Audri slowly took it from his hand, holding it in her own, praying desperately that she wasn't dreaming again. She didn't know where her father had gotten the cash, and right now she didn't care. A glimmer of hope arose in her mind as she looked back at him, smiled slightly and nodded. Her miracle had finally arrived.
"Yeah. I know exactly where to go."