Notes: It's Thanksgiving today here in the US! I hope everyone who celebrates it has had a wonderful day—and of course, I hope you had a fantastic day even if you don't celebrate it!
Okay, so for the next few chapters, my tentative update schedule is roughly once a week. It sounds kinda crazy, and I can't completely believe that I'm sort of committing to this myself, but I think I can do it...!
So fair warning, as of this chapter I'm giving a DR3 character some speaking lines. Sorry if you haven't seen DR3 yet! I'm also sorry if you have seen DR3.
Waiting for Rainbows
Chapter 8: How long until I return to normal?
If Hinata had ever thought that he would one day spend the night with a yakuza family—and make no mistake, up until very recently he had never considered that to even be within the realm of possibility—he couldn't have thought that it would be particularly easy to endure. The reality, it turned out, was far more difficult than he would have ever imagined.
Because he certainly would never have dreamt that he'd also have to deal with the revelation that he was developing feelings for the family's heir..
Hinata laid motionless in the futon, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling and listening to the heavy storm doors being opened outside his room. It was morning, according to his wristwatch, but he hadn't managed to get much sleep at all. He was immensely grateful that Kirigiri actually hadn't taken him up on his offer to come in around noon, because he was certain he wouldn't be able to function properly at work.
There were many thoughts running through his head, as could be expected, but suddenly the one at the forefront of his mind was an internal debate over whether to find an excuse to stay in bed.
All things considered, it was a refreshingly normal thought.
Sighing, he curled up in the covers and tried for the umpteenth time to get some shut-eye, but after only a few minutes there was a knock on his door. He hesitated to get up and answer it; how was he supposed to act if that were Kuzuryu at the door? He still hadn't made any headway on sorting out the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling.
When he made no move to answer, there was another knock. "Hinata, are you awake?"
Pekoyama. There was no reason why he couldn't talk to Pekoyama. Hinata pushed back the covers and sat up, feeling a bit woozy from lack of sleep and the lingering effects of alcohol. "Yeah, I'm up, give me a moment," he called back, then stood up and padded over the floor to slide the door open.
Just outside the door stood Pekoyama with a pile of clothing in her arms, and once Hinata was in her view, she studied him carefully over the rim of her glasses. "Are you all right?" she asked.
"Huh? Uh, I'm fine, I guess." Hinata ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly; he had no idea what he looked like, but judging from her expression, one eyebrow raised questioningly, he probably looked like a wreck. "Um, so what's up? Where's Kuzuryu?" He immediately regretted asking, but the question had fallen from his lips so naturally.
"The young master is still asleep in his room," she answered simply, apparently unaware of Hinata's discomfort and subsequent relief. "I'm here to bring you this." She gestured with her chin towards the pile of cloth folded in her arms. "Your clothes from yesterday. They've been washed and dried for you."
"Oh, thanks." Hinata gladly accepted the clothes, and was about to send her off when he mentally backtracked. "Wait, washed? They've been washed? Here?"
"Yes..." Pekoyama peered curiously up at him. "Why? Is that a problem?"
"N-no, not at all," Hinata said, covering the lower half of his face with a hand as he felt his cheeks warming up. So much for being free of the smell of Kuzuryu's laundry detergent. "I was just wondering. Thanks, Pekoyama!"
He took a step back from the door, moving to close it, but Pekoyama's crimson eyes were still focused on him, and he paused.
"Did something happen between you and the young master last night?" she asked finally.
"What?" Hinata tried to feign ignorance. "No, not really. I don't think so. Why?"
Pekoyama crossed her arms and studied Hinata for a moment—looking quite reminiscent of Kirigiri, now that Hinata thought of it. "I happened to see you wandering down the hallway away from the room you and the young master were in, and you looked quite... shaken." She gave him another look-over. "I'm sorry for prying, but it seemed odd."
"Oh, no. It's fine," he assured her, though he felt a bit uneasy at the thought that Pekoyama had seen him in that state. "Um, where... were you, anyway? Were you watching us?" He hoped to god she wasn't...
"No, I was..." She glanced to the side thoughtfully. "I was monitoring another situation." She fixed her gaze on him again. "But no, I wasn't watching you and the young master directly. I only saw you pass the door when you went down the hall."
"Oh, okay." Hinata felt relief that she hadn't seen him very nearly make a move on her young master. "It was nothing really, though. Just felt a little out of sorts from... drinking too much, I guess?"
"I see," Pekoyama said, but she didn't seem entirely convinced, her eyes narrowing suspiciously, and for one wild moment Hinata wondered if she actually did have a better idea of what happened than she claimed. "I hope you feel better after getting some sleep, then. I know that Young Master..." She trailed off, looking down the hallway once again. "...I had asked you on a previous occasion to monitor his alcohol intake, did I not?"
Hinata laughed hollowly. "Sorry about that. Is he, uh... in a bad state?"
Pekoyama hummed noncommittally. "I should go wake him now, in any case. I'll leave you to get ready for the day. Breakfast is in an hour, and then you'll be driven home." With a shallow bow, she turned on her heel and walked briskly down the corridor and out of sight.
"Sounds great," Hinata murmured to no one in particular; he didn't exactly feel up to being thrown back into the chaos of the Kuzuryu household just yet, but he could only hole himself up in his room for so long.
Sighing heavily, he stared across the veranda at the newly-revealed courtyard, hoping that perhaps a view of the outside world would help put him more at ease. There wasn't terribly much to see, though: fallen branches were strewn across the grass and decorative rock displays, and the post-typhoon sky shone down on the world as innocently as a puppy that had just torn up the family couch.
It wasn't the most reassuring sight.
Hinata sat next to Kuzuryu at breakfast, but few words were exchanged between them. His stomach felt like it was tied in knots just by being in Kuzuryu's general vicinity, but he forced himself to eat anyway, if only to use as an excuse for his reticence. Thankfully, Kuzuryu seemed equally averse to chatting, clearly groggy and cranky, if his facial expression was anything to go by.
Halfway through the meal, Hinata finally managed to formulate words without feeling like he was about to vomit everything he was forcing down. "Doesn't look like you got much sleep last night."
"I don't wanna hear that from you," Kuzuryu grumbled. "You look like complete shit."
Hinata couldn't very well argue with that, so he returned to trying to make sense of his thoughts.
What was he hoping that Kuzuryu could be to him?
His silent mulling continued through the car ride home—he was blindfolded again, this time in a less ridiculous manner, and he was far too preoccupied to even consider trying to trace the route back. Even with the blindfold on, Hinata could sense Kuzuryu sitting just a few inches away from him, and it made him too on-edge to offer more than the occasional mindless small talk.
Once Hinata was back at the dorms, he checked in with the advisor, sparing as little thought to the exchange as possible, then retreated to his room. Collapsing on his bed, he stared up at the ceiling.
Without the distractions of a gang of criminals in his midst, Hinata could finally relax and try to sort through all his thoughts logically. He wasn't quite sure where to start, but he decided that the most easily identifiable issue was as good a place as any.
Fact: He had wanted to kiss Kuzuryu.
That was in the past tense, but thinking on it, he accepted that it was true in the present tense as well. The desire perhaps wasn't as strong as it was with alcohol running through his veins, but picturing Kuzuryu in his mind, Hinata found that he definitely wouldn't be averse to kissing the other man's lips, cheeks, nose, every individual freckle... He felt himself flush scarlet as he forcibly pushed those ideas from his mind. Regardless, the conclusion he had come up with the night before held: he was definitely physically attracted to Kuzuryu to some degree.
Fact: Kuzuryu was yakuza.
It was easy to forget while they were hanging out together as if everything were normal, but Kuzuryu was part of the criminal underground, and his overnight stay at the house had driven that point home loud and clear. Being a yakuza in itself wasn't a crime, but there were almost certainly other punishable crimes that Kuzuryu was involved in. Hinata had already reasoned away the issue when it came to being friends, but if their relationship developed into more than that... It would definitely be very bad if they were discovered. Was it just a matter of making sure no one found out, then? Was that a risk Hinata would be willing to take?
Fact: ...
That... was about it, as far as hard facts went. Hinata was distressed to realize that there wasn't much more he could apply logical thought to, at least not without more information at his disposal—which would likely require speaking and interacting with Kuzuryu again. And he didn't feel comfortable doing that until he had figured more out about the situation.
He considered the paradox a bit longer, but it wasn't doing much good. After a half hour of nothing productive coming out of it, Hinata sat back up, groaning. Maybe he'd go for a walk.
He didn't really have a destination in mind as he walked, breathing in the damp air, but his feet took him to the next town over, in the direction of a video rental store he frequented and figured it was as good of a place to go as any.
"Oh, Hinata-kun!" Naegi greeted him from behind the service counter as he walked through the door, waving. "Hi! That was some storm last night, huh?"
"Yeah..." Hinata trailed off, glancing about the store aimlessly. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, if anything, but it was at least refreshing to have a friendly face to speak to. "Was everything all right on your end?"
"I was at work the whole time, and the power went out for a couple hours," Naegi said, laughing sheepishly. "Good thing business was dead, but for a while there we were afraid that the frozen foods wouldn't make it. How was it for you?"
"It was... eventful." Hinata decided that was as good of an explanation as any, and as they chatted, he browsed the shelves of movies. "Anything good come out recently? What do you recommend?"
Naegi stepped out from behind the counter and approached Hinata directly. "Well, I guess that depends on what you're looking for." He pointed at a DVD case on the shelf next to them. "There's this romantic comedy that's been popular lately."
"Uh." Hinata was hesitant to find entertainment in a matter that hit so close to home at the moment. "I don't know about that one..."
"I know what you're thinking, but it's really not that girly!" Naegi assured him—and clearly he didn't actually know what Hinata was thinking, but that suited Hinata just fine. "It's pretty popular with guys, too. I mean, uh," the shorter man flushed a bit, "I found it to be pretty clever, at least. The jokes were good and it wasn't too cheesy."
Hinata suppressed a sigh; turning the movie down after Naegi had been so enthusiastic about recommending it seemed almost cruel. The guy could be surprisingly persuasive, even when he didn't quite exude the self-confidence to back it up. "Sure, I'll give it a try, then."
Naegi grinned brightly. "Great! I'll just ring you up..."
It wasn't until Hinata was halfway home when it occurred to him that he had spent the afternoon prior watching a movie, and he wasn't actually in the mood to watch another. He had already paid the rental fee, though, and with Naegi's track record of getting in trouble over special favors for friends, he couldn't very well bring himself to ask for a refund against store policy. He sighed and continued the walk home; might as well give it a watch, then.
Maybe it would actually help him sort out his feelings, somehow.
Back at his dorm room, lounging on the bed with his portable DVD player on his lap, Hinata found it difficult to get much enjoyment out of the movie. The jokes were clever and well-timed, Naegi had been right about that, and had it been any other time Hinata probably would have liked the movie. With his current situation weighing on him, however, he found the typical tropes of romantic fiction grating on his nerves. The completely avoidable drama, the endless miscommunication, everything that went into making the story a story...
Hinata's relationship with Kuzuryu wasn't a story. It was real life.
He persisted throughout the movie, but had to turn it off at the climax, when the male lead helped his romantic interest free her father from yakuza debt collectors.
He plopped the DVD player onto the floor and fell back on the bed. That was just a little too much for him to deal with.
A few minutes passed before his phone vibrated with a new text message, and he hoped it wasn't Naegi asking for his thoughts on the movie. He wasn't sure he had it in him to tell the kid that he hadn't enjoyed it at all.
It wasn't Naegi, but seeing the name displayed on the screen made his stomach flip for an entirely different reason.
-This weekend was kind of fucked up, sorry. Wanna meet up at Kagayaki tomorrow like usual?
Hinata chewed his bottom lip, considering Kuzuryu's text. Tomorrow? Meeting up with Kuzuryu tomorrow? He wasn't sure if he'd have the answers he needed to look Kuzuryu in the eye again within the next decade, let alone twenty-four hours.
His fingers moved of their own accord, though, and he couldn't find it in himself to keep from sending the reply.
-Yeah, sure. Same time as usual?
He dropped the phone on the bed and groaned, cursing his inability to turn down a request from Kuzuryu. Of course, he wasn't sure if he'd even be able to give Kuzuryu an excuse that didn't make it obvious that Hinata might be trying to avoid him—and that would be treading dangerously close to the clichés that he had found so unbearable in the movie he had watched.
Hinata was surprised that the movie had given him something concrete to latch on to, after all—no matter what the outcome was of his newfound feelings, he didn't want to pussyfoot around the issue like a fictional character in a drama, dragging it out for the entertainment value. He was going to face this like a functioning adult, not shy away from it. And if it did turn out that he was falling in love with a mobster, so be it. If that was the truth he arrived at, then he'd just have to accept it.
With a new burst of determination welling up in his chest, he picked up his phone and sent out another message.
-Think you'll drop by the koban tomorrow, too?
He only had to wait a few short minutes before the response came.
-Your dumb ass is more interesting than anything else in that shithole town, so I guess.
Hinata had no idea how much of a compliment that was meant to be, but he found himself smiling regardless.
For all his worrying, facing Kuzuryu again hadn't been as bad as he had feared. Maybe it was the fact that he had finally managed to settle down and get some decent sleep—once late afternoon had come around the day before, the lack of sleep caught up with him and Hinata had completely crashed. Either way, he found it was relatively easy to fall into their normal banter as if nothing had happened.
Of course, nothing had happened, at least as far as Kuzuryu knew. All the panic had been on Hinata's end. Probably.
With a clearer head, Hinata managed to reason that there were two factors to keep him from pursuing a relationship with Kuzuryu. The first was the risk of rejection; even if Kuzuryu were interested in men (and Hinata had no clue if he was), there was still the very real possibility that he wouldn't be interested in Hinata specifically. The second factor was that Hinata honestly didn't know if he harbored romantic feelings for Kuzuryu, or if it was purely a physical attraction. He liked Kuzuryu a lot, of course, but he also liked Kirigiri, Naegi, and Hanamura. That didn't mean he wanted to date them.
Both factors had the possibility of ruining a friendship that he valued just fine in its current state, so the question was whether indulging in whatever he was feeling was worth endangering that. And over the following two days, as he went through the motions as usual, he came to the conclusion that no, it wasn't worth it. He was perfectly fine with leaving things as they were—well, not perfectly fine, but at the very least he genuinely enjoyed being with Kuzuryu as they were, and whatever other extra emotions could be curbed easily enough. He hadn't noticed any sort of change from Kuzuryu, either, so that gave him no reason to think any further on the matter.
It was actually a relief to have that figured out.
Hinata supposed, in retrospect, that perhaps that relief had allowed him to let his guard down a bit too much, because he found himself at a complete loss the next night at Kagayaki, after he and Kuzuryu had sat down in their regular seats.
"You're being so cold recently, Hinata-kun!"
Hinata blinked at Hanamura blankly when he slammed his hands on the table he and Kuzuryu were sharing. "Hanamura, shouldn't you be behind the counter...?"
"Yes!" Hanamura stood straight upright again, hands on his hips. "And that's why! You barely even come talk to me anymore, ever since you and Kuzuryu stopped sitting at the bar!"
Hinata took a moment to fully understand what the cook was saying. It was true, now that he thought of it... it had been probably two weeks since he and Kuzuryu had sat at the bar. At some point, their "regular seats" had instead shifted to a table on the dining room floor, tucked into a corner—probably the furthest seats from the bar, now that he thought of it.
Somewhat shocked that such a change had occurred without his notice, he shot a look at Kuzuryu across from him, who averted his gaze, cheeks growing pink. "Just can't stand the perverted cook is all..." he muttered, low enough that only Hinata could hear.
"Uhh, sorry about that," Hinata said, turning back to Hanamura. "I guess we kind of wanted to try a... change of pace?"
"Hinata-kun!" Hanamura wailed, flinging his arms around Hinata's arm. Out of the corner of his eye, Hinata thought he saw Kuzuryu bristle a bit. "You've changed! You don't even depend on me anymore like you used to! What happened?"
Hinata gently pried Hanamura's hands off of him, uncomfortable with where the conversation was headed. "I, uh... don't think I've changed that much, have I...?"
"Too bad for you, Hanamura!" came a loud cackle from a few tables over, and Hinata turned his head to see Owari laughing at the scene as she waved her beer in the air, Nidai chuckling at her side. "Looks like you've been dumped!"
"Wha— Owari?!" Hinata could feel his cheeks beginning to flush. "No, that's wrong! I haven't dumped anyone...!"
"Owari-san!" Hanamura scurried over to her as she continued to laugh. "You'll comfort me in my time of need, won't you? Don't you see how Hinata-kun has been treating me?"
"Hunh? Yeah, sure." She placed her beer onto the table and faced Hanamura, arms open wide. "Come on, use my boobs as a pillow! It'll make ya feel better!"
"Wait, hold on just a second!" Hinata launched himself out of his seat and grabbed Hanamura by the back of his shirt collar before he could bury his face in her assets. "Don't just offer yourself to him like that, Owari!"
"Like what?" The brunette looked at Hinata as if what he was saying had no basis in logic. "It's no big deal. The kids in class do it all the time!"
Hinata stared at her blankly. What the hell kind of third-graders was she teaching?!
"Ooh, so Hinata's been set free, has he?" a voice cooed from behind Hinata, and he released his grip on Hanamura in surprise as an arm snaked its way around his shoulders. He turned his head far enough to see Ruruka Andoh smiling cheekily just inches from his own face, her other hand holding one of the sweet, brightly-colored cocktails she always insisted on special ordering. "Does that mean I have a chance now? Surely you won't turn down a young woman in need of protection, Mr. Policeman..."
"Ah..." Hinata carefully extricated himself from her grip, smiling politely. "No one has set me free, Andoh, so just like I always tell you..."
"Yeah, leave him the fuck alone." Kuzuryu suddenly jerked Hinata back towards their table, glowering darkly at the confectioner. "Just get the hint already, will you?"
There was a warm sensation blossoming in Hinata's chest at Kuzuryu's reaction, and he couldn't manage anything more than just gaping helplessly as he was directed back to their table.
"Oh, riiiight." Andoh regarded Kuzuryu with open disgust. "Forgot that he has this little dung beetle hanging around him nowadays. I almost didn't see you there."
"The fuck did you just call me you candy-apple bitch?!"
"Okay, okay, enough of that." Hinata quickly stepped between the two of them—Kuzuryu and Andoh's rather ballistic first meeting had ended in a shouting match over candy, and he wasn't looking forward to a repeat performance. "How about we all just calm down and get back to dinner, okay?"
Kuzuryu was obviously still seething in fury, but he did as he was told and sat back at the table, across from Hinata. "Fuck," he muttered. "Just stop with all the inane bullshit, will you..."
Hinata laughed. "It can get a little crazy with these guys, I guess..."
Kuzuryu grunted. "I don't want to have to put up with anything more than your dumb ass."
Hinata stared at him for a moment.
The yakuza glanced away, cheeks reddening. "What?"
"Oh, uh, nothing!" Hinata looked away in kind; he wasn't sure what to make of Kuzuryu's words, but it felt like there was a stuffy haze filling his chest, to the point that it was almost hard to breathe. Suddenly he was all too aware of how secluded their corner table was, even though Hinata knew it wasn't actually any further away from the other tables than normal.
Oh, god, it wasn't going to be nearly as easy to act like nothing had changed as he had thought.
"Guys like them are exactly what I hate about this town."
Those murmured words caught Hinata's interest, and he focused his gaze back on Kuzuryu. That was the first time he had gotten any sort of elaboration on Kuzuryu's distaste for Kibougaoka; he wasn't sure if he was even meant to have heard those words in the first place. "What do you mean?" he prompted, half-expecting Kuzuryu to brush him off.
He didn't, though. He turned back to Hinata, gold eyes meeting his in a meaningful stare, then gestured at the other patrons in a sweeping motion. "Just look at them. They're just all so... content with where they are, when there's much better out there. Pisses me off."
Hinata furrowed his brows; he didn't completely follow. "You're pissed because they're happy?"
"That's not fuckin' happiness," Kuzuryu spat. "There are people out there who have it made, you know? They aimed for what they wanted and they got it. Then there are people who are in a shitty place in life, but they're still trying to make it better. That's admirable, at least. But this?" He made a disgusted face when he caught sight of Andoh again, cozying up to one of the other men across the room, and looked away. "I've talked with some of them, you know? And it's nothing but unfounded complacency. Couldn't get what they wanted, so now they're settling for less because it's what's easy and comfortable, and they're letting themselves be okay with that. That's bullshit. It's like a plague in this town and I can't stand it."
"Because they... aren't trying?"
"Put simply, yeah." Kuzuryu leaned forward, pointing at Hinata. "They're not trying, and they've got no drive to try."
Hinata traced the rim of his beer glass thoughtfully. "But, I mean... technically speaking, I'm not trying, either."
"And that's bullshit!" Kuzuryu slammed a hand against the table. "You say you want to be a detective, so why aren't you trying to go for it? Isn't there some exam you could apply for or some shit?"
"Uh, an exam?" Hinata was taken aback for a moment. "There's a selection exam to get started on the detective track, sure. But it's not as easy as just applying for it. You need a recommendation from the chief of police first, and I mean... I guess it just sorta feels like there are other, more hardworking people who are more deserving of it than me..."
"Sounds like a shitty excuse to sit on your laurels and do nothing."
"I, well..." Hinata paused to consider those words. Was there some truth in what Kuzuryu was saying? If he were being perfectly honest with himself... well, being a detective wasn't what Hinata really wanted, but the other option was already off the table...
"Okay, look." Kuzuryu leaned an arm against the table, leveling Hinata with a stare so intense he couldn't look away. "What the fuck are you doing just letting your life pass you by? I can see you've still got the fight in you somewhere! You haven't totally given up like the rest of these dumbasses." He jerked his head in the direction of the rest of the dining room, but he never once broke eye contact with Hinata. "And if you're so lackadaisical about becoming a detective, why aren't you going out there and applying yourself to something else?!"
A strange mix of fire and ice crept through Hinata's veins as he processed those words, a chill prickling at his neck and jawline like a sensual caress of horror, while the warmth settled comfortably in his chest. He opened his mouth to speak, but he had no idea what he wanted to say.
What could he say?
How could Kuzuryu read him so thoroughly, and say exactly the right things to set his feelings in motion?
He gulped, clenching his fists, and managed to choke out a few words. "Kuzuryu, I..."
"You know what, forget it." Kuzuryu glanced away suddenly, his cheeks dusted rose. "Stop looking at me like that, you're white as a sheet. Sorry."
"Oh, no, it's..." Hinata took a deep breath, secretly relieved that Kuzuryu had dropped the subject. "It's fine. It's just... hard."
"Tell me about it."
They fell into silence then, just as their dinner was delivered to their table, marking the end of the conversation.
Hinata wasn't sure what Kuzuryu's last murmur of agreement had meant, but he didn't think he'd get an answer if he asked.
When Hinata returned to his dorm that night, he laid down on his bed to try thinking things over again, taking into consideration the new insights he had gleaned from their dinner together.
It had been all of a day since he had decided that he was, for the moment, content with keeping his relationship with Kuzuryu as it was. That the attraction he felt for Kuzuryu didn't seem to be significant enough to justify bringing it any further.
What a load of shit that was. He squirmed a bit, feeling out of sorts, but between the haze in his chest and the sudden, pervasive sense that Kuzuryu belonged in his arms, he just couldn't get comfortable.
The fact of the matter was that he wasn't entirely sure if what he was feeling for Kuzuryu could be categorized as love, or if it was purely physical. The idea of jumping into a relationship with such a weak basis... well, it didn't really sit well with Hinata.
How was he supposed to be able to tell if he was falling in love or not, anyway? Hinata wasn't sure if he had ever actually been in love before. There was the love he felt for his mother, of course, but he was fairly certain that it wasn't quite oedipal enough to be relevant.
So with no basis for comparison, how was he supposed to know?
Groaning, Hinata rolled over on the bed and grasped for his cell phone sitting on the bedside desk. Maybe he should try to ask someone for advice. He scrolled through his contacts list, wondering who would be the best candidate.
Kirigiri was out; she had an uncanny talent for reading people, but she was proverbially married to her work, so Hinata couldn't see her having the experience or interest in applying those observational skills to his situation. Besides, he knew she would immediately be able to tell who the object of his affections (?) was, and it was completely foolish to expect that she'd buy the typical "I'm asking for a friend" excuse. (Some part of his mind, though, insisted that she already knew and had all the answers, which was kind of mortifying in itself.)
Naegi, Hinata knew, would do his hardest to help out if asked, but he seemed similarly inexperienced, without Kirigiri's degree of insight, and Hinata couldn't bring himself to ask the kid of the impossible.
Besides that... Hinata frowned as he reviewed his options. Overall, the only people on his contact list whom he could imagine having a genuine interest in discussing his relationship prospects were Hanamura and Souda.
Both seemed like remarkably bad choices.
He scrolled through the contact list one more time, and for one brief, crazy moment considered asking Andoh; she had had (still had?) a long-term boyfriend, after all. But Hinata quickly reminded himself he was looking for healthy relationship advice, so he disregarded that idea completely. Finally, he scrolled to the one remaining name on the list that he could see being helpful to his plight.
It was the one person whose relationship experience he knew of first-hand, after all.
-Remind me why we first started going out again?
He quickly composed the text message and sent it off before he could change his mind. He wasn't entirely sure if this was a matter he should be discussing with an ex-girlfriend, but she was still his best friend, and he honestly couldn't think of any better option. He had no idea how long he'd have to wait for an answer, though. She was perpetually overworked in her job, and even when he knew she was right at her phone with time to spare, she usually took a while to answer.
The response came much quicker than he expected, though, after less than a minute.
-Why do you ask?
He frowned at the screen. He really didn't feel like trying to explain to her when he couldn't even completely understand it himself. Just answer the question, he tapped out.
And there was her characteristic delay. After two minutes, he knew it would take a while, so he busied himself by opening up his texting history with Kuzuryu, scrolling through the backlog in hopes that it would help clarify his feelings.
It didn't, really. If anything, it only made the stuffiness in his chest grow denser, and he was just about to give up and turn in for the night when he got the notification that she had replied.
-It was the same reason that we ultimately broke up? It's just what made sense at the time, I think.
He tapped the edge of his phone against his forehead thoughtfully. Because it made sense... But in this situation, he didn't know what made sense.
To his surprise, a second text arrived from her almost immediately.
-Are you asking because you want to get back together, or is it because you're in love with someone else?
Love... Hinata felt his cheeks go warm, and he tapped out a response.
-It's not the former. Sorry. It might be the latter?
He stared at the message for a few moments after sending it and decided it needed a little more elaboration.
-There's someone I've been hanging out with a lot recently, and I find them pretty attractive, and I'm starting to think that maybe I want our friendship to become something more? But at the same time I think I'm fine with where we are on an emotional level. I guess I just don't want to risk messing things up by misidentifying my feelings and then having to go back on them later.
He dropped his phone on the mattress by his pillow and flexed his cramping thumbs. It would probably take her even longer to respond to that influx of information, so he stood up and headed to the bathroom to prepare for bed. By the time he was washed up and returned to climb under the covers, the notification light on his phone was blinking. He curled up under the blankets and unlocked the phone, the screen illuminating the cavern of sheets.
-Thought so. Well, you know I'm not good with this sort of stuff, but I guess the reason we didn't work out is because we mostly acted the same and did the same things as "just friends" even when we were "going out," I think. So you should probably consider the key factor here to be whether you really want there to be a change in your relationship, or else it'll fail just like we did.
Before Hinata could even begin to process her words, another message popped up underneath it.
-But considering that you're already thinking and worrying so much about the possible effect on your current relationship, that indicates that you do really care for this person more than you realize, I think.
Hinata felt like his thoughts were swirling at a hundred miles an hour. Was that what it meant after all? Was it really that easy to identify? It felt too good to be true. He knew better than to take his ex-girlfriend's indecisive phrasing at face value, so did that mean she could actually tell for sure? Was it obvious enough to tell from a short text message conversation?
Hinata buried his face into his pillow. This was too much to think about this late at night. He'd just go to sleep and think about again it in the morning, when his mind was fresh.
With that decision made, he relaxed into his bedding and began to drift off to sleep. Just as he was about to fall asleep completely, though, his phone vibrated one last time.
Reluctantly, he fumbled for the phone and unlocked it with clumsy fingers, squinting at the display to see that she had sent yet another message.
-You say you're fine with staying the way you two are now, but is that really what you want, or are you just settling for what's comfortable and easy?
Hinata blinked at the words as some of the haze suddenly started to clear.
"What the fuck are you doing just letting your life pass you by? I can see you've still got the fight in you somewhere!"
"Why aren't you going out there and applying yourself to something else?!"
He realized then just how much those words had meant to him, just how much they warmed his heart.
With trembling fingers he switched back over to Kuzuryu's texts and scrolled through the entire log, his eyes saccading rapidly through the messages as he drank in every insignificant conversation they had shared.
Every word, every glance, every fleeting touch they had ever exchanged... suddenly they all meant so much to Hinata as he thought back to them all. The haze in his chest transformed into a soft warmth, traveling to the tips of his fingers and up his spine, settling in his cheeks and prickling at his eyes, nearly bringing him to tears. If he was completely honest with himself...
If he was truly, absolutely, brutally honest with himself...
He was thoroughly, undeniably, irrevocably in love with Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu.
He had probably been falling from the very start.
Hinata reached the top of the text log then, the casual greetings from when they had first exchanged contact information. That was the day when Kuzuryu had first shown up at the koban, and they had chatted while Hinata made his rounds in the neighborhood.
"I didn't mean that in a gay way or anything, all right?"
Hinata smiled bitterly as he buried his face into the pillow again. He remembered feeling relieved at the time that he wasn't the target of a yakuza's affections. Now he found himself wishing for the opposite.
Funny how things could change so drastically like that.
What about Kuzuryu, then? Had his feelings changed at all? Hinata thought back to earlier that night at Kagayaki—the way Kuzuryu had been so visibly irritated by Hanamura and Andoh's advances, how he had said that he was only there for Hinata... Did any of that mean anything, or was it just wishful thinking?
Well, he'd just have to ask, wouldn't he?
The risk of rejection was still there, and still just as dangerous, but with the realization of just how deep his emotions ran, he couldn't in good conscience keep it all hidden. He had told himself he would face his feelings regardless of what they were, hadn't he? This wasn't a story, and he had no one to entertain through his turmoil. Letting it fester would only be hurting himself.
With that thought in his mind, and his chest feeling warm and full, Hinata pulled the blankets snugly around him to fall into slumber, but not before taking up his phone again and typing out one last message to his ex-girlfriend.
-Thanks. I'm going to give it a try.