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Waiting for Rainbows
Chapter 9: The unspeakable pain gently nestles close, and I sing

It's funny, Hinata mused the next day, how quickly love can grow once you realize it's there.

He had dreamt about Kuzuryu overnight. It hadn't been anything lewd—far from it, really. It had just been the two of them simply sitting side-by-side in comfortable silence, their elbows just barely brushing together, feeling each other's body heat from the minuscule contact. Hinata had no idea exactly where they had been sitting, but their surroundings hadn't really mattered with Kuzuryu by his side. And when Kuzuryu had shifted closer just slightly, and then leant his head against Hinata's shoulder, nothing had ever felt more perfect.

When Hinata woke up, he had to nearly fight to breathe through the flood of feelings boiling within his chest. He groaned and curled up in his blankets, wanting to return to the warmth of the dream but feeling incredibly embarrassed by it at the same time. It had been the very picture of chaste, but somehow more intimate than even the most sensual of scenarios.

It wasn't even five AM, giving him at least another hour that he could sleep, but his heart was beating too fast, his veins thrumming with too much vitality to slip back into slumber, despite staying up past midnight while texting the night before.

Speaking of which... He reached out of his bundle of blankets and found his phone by the pillow. A glance at the screen told him that his ex-girlfriend had sent him a message wishing him luck overnight. He stared at the animated "fight!" emoticon appended to the end of her message and felt a grin beginning to spread across his face.

He was actually going to do this.

Of the two factors that had kept him from pursuing a romantic relationship with Kuzuryu, one had been cleared up completely: what he felt for Kuzuryu wasn't just lust, but love. At this point, there wasn't even any question; he couldn't even imagine not having Kuzuryu in his life. In the face of such a truth, Hinata couldn't really bring himself to be put off by the fact that Kuzuryu was with the yakuza. It would be a bit of a problem, but if it was meant to work out, he'd make sure it happened.

The other factor, the risk of rejection... wasn't eliminated completely, and there wasn't really any way of knowing beforehand one way or another if it were. But at the very least, Kuzuryu had displayed some degree of fondness for Hinata over others. That had to count for something, right?

Either way, Hinata no longer had much reason to hold out on confessing. His grin grew to nearly giddy proportions as the full force of his convictions fell upon him.

He was going to confess to Kuzuryu within the day. If he was going to ask him out at all, there was no reason to put it off.

With that thought in mind, Hinata slipped out of bed and began to get ready for the day.

As the day wore on, Hinata increasingly felt like he was on pins and needles. It wasn't due to a loss of confidence, exactly, but more a restlessness born of having no proper outlet for all the thoughts and emotions swirling through his mind.

What was he going to say? How would he say it?

What was Kuzuryu going to say?

He couldn't sit still, the adrenaline pulsing through his veins so thoroughly and consistently.

"Hinata-kun, I appreciate your energy," Kirigiri said, barely looking up from her paperwork, "but you're letting in a draft when you keep walking in and out like that."

"Ah, right," Hinata said, carefully closing the door behind him to block off the cold air as he stepped back inside. "I'll be careful."

After pacing the floor one time over, though, he stepped back outside to walk the length of the building once again.

He didn't know if he could handle keeping in all the emotions that were threatening to spill out at any moment. He glanced down at his cell phone, open to his conversation with Kuzuryu. He had said he was being held up at home with his father but would be able to make it to Kibougaoka for dinner that night.

How could he manage to hold out until evening? Hinata was at the point that if Kuzuryu suddenly escaped from his father and popped up at the koban anyway, he would probably just blurt out all his feelings on the spot, onlookers be damned.

Though that probably wouldn't work out well, so perhaps it was for the best that Kuzuryu had other engagements.

He had half a mind to just confess over text message, but that seemed like an equally bad idea. This was something he was meant to do face-to-face, right?

Not that he had much experience on that front, but he was pretty sure that was how it was supposed to be done. Back in high school he had asked out his ex-girlfriend in person, too.

Unable to stand fretting by himself any longer, he switched over to the text conversation with that very ex-girlfriend and typed out a panicked request.

How do I confess?!

The reply came quickly, and contained a link to an archived 2ch thread discussing the best confession scenes from dating sims.

Hinata groaned. Goddammit, that doesn't help!

Huffing, he shoved the phone back in his pocket, then paced the length of the building one more time before walking back inside.

The gust of air threatened to scatter Kirigiri's paperwork, and she pressed a gloved hand atop them, meeting Hinata with a weary stare. "What is going on with you, Hinata-kun?"

"Sorry," he mumbled, offering up no further explanation. Sighing, he slumped into the visitor's chair. "What time is it?"

"It's 10:43. It's only been about a minute since you checked your phone outside."

He took his cap off, ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed. "Goddamn..."

"Hinata-kun." Kirigiri pointedly set her pen down and looked directly at him. "Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on."

"Surely you can think of a better lie than that."

"It's not a lie." And it wasn't, not really. Hinata was restless precisely because there wasn't anything going on, because he didn't have the power to make anything go on, because he had to wait until the evening before taking any sort of action. "I'm just... nervous? I guess?" He wasn't sure if that was the right word, but his nerves were on edge, at least.

"Well that much is clear," Kirigiri agreed. "But I was hoping for an explanation that would offer a bit more clarity than that. With the state you're in right now, I'm not sure I can leave you to do deskwork, but I'm not confident that you can patrol the area without walking into telephone poles, either."

Hinata laughed hollowly. "Oh come on, I'm not that bad off, am I?"

"Should I answer that honestly?"

He looked at her, prepared to continue in a joking manner, but Kirigiri's eyes were dead serious. His face fell and he looked away. "I... sorry."

"I'm not looking for an apology," Kirigiri said, returning to her paperwork. "I just want to be able to trust that you can do your job today."

"I can."

"Hmm." She made a noncommittal noise as she picked up a form, studying it carefully. "Will Kuzuryu-kun be coming by today?"

"Kuzu— what?" Hinata was taken aback, his thoughts immediately spiraling off into different directions. "Uh, no. Not today. Why do you ask?"

She cocked an eyebrow curiously, peering at him from over the edge of the paper, but otherwise didn't question the odd reaction. "Why did I ask, I wonder?" She set the paper down and looked as if she were about to say something, but apparently thought better of it and changed her line of questioning. "But I suppose this is a good opportunity. I never asked about what happened over the weekend."

Hinata froze, electricity spiking through his veins. "Nothing happened over the weekend."

"You waited out a typhoon at the Kuzuryu household. I wouldn't say that's nothing."

"Oh. Oh, that." Right, there was no reason why Kirigiri would know about what specifically happened during his visit. "Yeah, I... yeah."

Kirigiri leveled him with an unimpressed stare. "Excellent addition to the conversation, Hinata-kun."

He sighed heavily. "Well, what do you want to know? I don't think there's much I can tell you. I was kept out of the loop when it came to family business, of course."

Kirigiri looked at him thoughtfully. "Do you have a location?"

"They blindfolded me before driving me there and back. Couldn't see what route we took."

She raised an eyebrow again. "Blindfolded? And you didn't consider that you might be in real danger?"

Hinata grimaced. "I'd say it definitely crossed my mind."

Kirigiri chuckled, returning her gaze to the paperwork. "Fair enough."

Hinata tilted his head to the side, considering. "It was in the mountains somewhere, though. Might have been hard to find me if they did off me there."

"Rest assured I wouldn't stop until your body was retrieved, Hinata-kun."

"Gee, thanks."

She gave an airy laugh, a gloved hand covering her mouth. "So, have you calmed down a bit now?"

Hinata blinked, then turned to face her. Now that she mentioned it, he was feeling less on-edge. "Sempai?"

She gave a sly smile. "There's nothing as sobering as acknowledging the fragility of your personal safety in this line of work. Unfortunately, there really isn't much to act as a distraction in Kibougaoka."

Hinata answered her smile with a wry one of his own. "That was your idea of how to calm me down? Really?"

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" She flipped to the next page of paperwork before continuing. "I have to say, it's interesting that you're willing to share what information you have despite your cordial relationship with Kuzuryu-kun. Is that a trend that I can expect to continue?"

He had to pause for a moment to consider that. Pursuing a deeper relationship with Kuzuryu would cause a major conflict of interest; he knew that well. He hadn't thought much about telling Kirigiri what he knew, since all he knew was that he knew nothing, but if Kuzuryu ever told him something damning in confidence, he couldn't honestly say that he'd betray that trust. But while the professional risk was one he was willing to take for himself, letting Kirigiri know of those reservations on his part would extend that risk to her. "What do you want to hear as the answer?" he said slowly.

Kirigiri was silent a moment. "As always, be a cop for as long as you carry that badge," she said. "But more than that, don't get yourself killed for being a traitor."

Hinata chuckled. "I think I can promise that."

For the rest of the afternoon, Hinata managed to function more or less as normal. Every once in a while he would stop in the middle of his work as he suddenly remembered his plans for the evening, his heart doing a little flutter in his chest at the thought, but each time he was able to push it to the side and focus on his job. Kirigiri hadn't pressed him on anything else either, to his relief, though she had stopped him briefly just as he left for the evening to study him silently.

He tried not to squirm under her gaze. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

After a moment longer, she shook her head and turned away. "No, you seem to be fine. Have a good night, Hinata-kun."

Thoroughly confused, but deciding not to think too hard about it, Hinata stepped out of the koban. The crisp November air hit him headlong, together with the sudden reemergence of the restlessness that had plagued him earlier.

Oh god, he was going to confess.

He felt the urge to start pacing along the building again, but that wasn't going to do any good at this point. He actually had someplace to go, something to do this time, and staying back was entirely counterproductive.

The walk to Kagayaki was quick and uneventful, so preoccupied as he was with other thoughts, and a quick glance into the restaurant revealed that Kuzuryu hadn't arrived yet. He paused at the door, considering if he should go inside to wait, but for some reason he felt more inclined to wait outside.

Maybe because it would let him see Kuzuryu that many seconds sooner.

Hinata took a deep breath, hoping it would cool his head somewhat. How had he only just realized what he felt the night before? He was embarrassed by his own lovesick pining.

He rubbed his hands on his cheeks, hoping they weren't turning more red than could be explained away with the cold. Just as he was trying to figure out what he would say and when—oh god, he had forgotten to decide how to confess—he caught sight of Kuzuryu approaching and his stomach did a little flip.

As the distance closed between them, Kuzuryu looked up at Hinata him strangely. "The hell are you doing with your hands?"

"Huh? Uh." Hinata quickly took his hands off of his face, letting them drop to his side. "Nothing. Just trying to warm up my face a bit."

"You could have just waited inside, then." Kuzuryu arched an eyebrow. "What's the point of being out here?"

Hinata didn't really have a good answer for that. He had just wanted to see Kuzuryu again as soon as possible, had considered asking Kuzuryu out as soon as they met up, before even going inside... but maybe that wasn't the best tactic. If it went poorly, it would just make the dinner awkward at best. "Just... felt like some fresh air is all."

Kuzuryu stared at him a moment longer, but ultimately just shrugged. "Whatever. Let's just get inside, it's fucking freezing out."

They entered the restaurant together, and Hinata tried to wave to people as they greeted him, but his attention was largely monopolized by the yakuza heir at his side.

He was going to confess. As soon as the time seemed right, as soon as he could navigate the conversation in that direction, he was going to ask Kuzuryu to go out with him.

He felt like his heart was pounding in his throat.

They sat down and almost immediately Kuzuryu sighed, lowering himself to lean his head against his arms on the table.

"You okay?" Hinata asked.

"Yeah, I'm good," Kuzuryu said dismissively. "Just my dad being a huge asshole like usual."

"Ah..." Hinata made an understanding sort of noise, though he didn't completely understand the situation, of course. He considered reaching out to pat Kuzuryu's arm supportively, and perhaps he would have before then, but with the added insight of his feelings he couldn't help but second-guess the action. Ultimately he retracted his arm and made a show of considering the menu even though he knew it nearly by heart. "Let's get you something to eat, then..."

After briefly discussing their options, they placed their orders and waited in silence for their food to be ready.

Hinata tapped his finger against the tabletop anxiously. What was he supposed to say?

The silence continued as they ate, while Hinata mulled over how to proceed with the conversation. If he was going to ask Kuzuryu out, should he do that in the restaurant, after they finished their meal? Or should he wait until they were outside afterward, where there wouldn't be the possibility of the other restaurant patrons overhearing?

"You're awfully quiet."

Hinata looked up in surprise, and his eyes met Kuzuryu's, breath catching at the sight of how gold they were. "Who, me?"

"Who the fuck else would I be talking to?"

Hinata laughed bashfully. "Yeah, you're right, uh..." He returned his gaze to his plate, poking at his pork cutlet with his chopsticks absently.

"And don't do that with your chopsticks. 'S rude."

He laughed without restraint then. God, Kuzuryu was so weirdly prim sometimes, it was... well, adorable. "Right, my bad."

Silence fell between them again, but it was a relaxed silence, and not one that either felt needed to be broken. But, as Hinata had to remind himself, he wouldn't be able to go through with his confession if all they did was sit quietly together, however comfortable it may be.

If he wanted things to change, he couldn't get complacent. He had to take action.

"Your dad seems to be giving you a hard time a lot," Hinata said, deciding on small talk as the best way to lead up to where he was going. He wasn't entirely sure of the specific route it would take, but it was a start.

Kuzuryu gave a noncommittal grunt. "Yeah, pretty much. Can't really blame him, but it's still a pain in the ass."

"What's he getting on you about?" Kuzuryu looked at him sharply, and he immediately tried to backtrack. "No, I mean... Sorry, I wouldn't expect you to—"

"No, it's fine," Kuzuryu sighed, leaning his elbows against the table. He continued in at a low volume so that only they two could hear, his voice dipping into a deeper timbre that had Hinata's breath catching and his stomach twisting. "Basically he's getting on my case about not recruiting enough new members to the clan. I think his techniques are crap, though."

Hinata sat back, thinking. "Aside from family connections, don't the yakuza generally target juvenile delinquents to take under their wing?" He thought back to what he knew of yakuza recruitment methods: hanging around troubled kids on the streets, giving them the support and attention that they so often crave, and eventually building trust to the point that they'd be formally welcomed into the family. He made a face at the thought. "Not that I condone it at all, though."

"See, that's the thing! I don't either!" Kuzuryu slammed a hand on the table, his eyes burning with passion. Despite his fervor, he still kept his voice low. "I mean, we're supposed to be keeping the civilians out of our shit, right? So what's the fucking point if we're corrupting impressionable youth just to grow our numbers? It's goddamn hypocritical, that's what it is. Give them the chance to sort out their problems when they're still kids, fuck."

Hinata considered that point of view. "That's... pretty admirable of you." He took a moment to gather himself; god, every little thing that he learned of Kuzuryu had him falling even harder. "So you disagree with your dad on recruitment methods, basically?"

"That about covers it," Kuzuryu muttered. "Recruiting kids definitely has its advantages, though. Easier to teach them to fight and keep them motivated. But honestly, it sits better with me to recruit people who are already adults. Old enough to have gotten jaded with the world and make an informed decision to fight in the shadows, you know?"

"Hmm..." Hinata thought that over carefully. It definitely made a certain kind of sense, and it seemed more honorable than corrupting kids on the streets. There weren't many kids in this area of Kibougaoka anyway, if that's where Kuzuryu was going to recruit. Most of the residents were twenty-somethings like himself—

Hinata froze. In his brain he thought he heard a sort of click, as if a puzzle piece was finally fitting into place.

"Kuzuryu," he said, trying to keep his voice level, but he had turned to stare resolutely at the wall, not meeting the yakuza's gaze. "Your strategy is to get on good terms with the adults you want to recruit, then?"

"Pretty much."

Hinata was pretty certain he didn't like what he was hearing, but he couldn't stop himself from pushing further. "And, ideally, you'd be recruiting adults that already know how to fight?"

Kuzuryu hummed thoughtfully. "Generally, yeah, that would be the best kind of candidate."

Hinata's hand balled into a fist against the table as he thought back on his experiences with Kuzuryu over the past month. All the strange little things that suddenly had the context needed to make sense.

That look of approval when he heard that Hinata had punched his dorm advisor.

Thinking back on it, it had been very reminiscent of the strange expression Kuzuryu made when Hinata had nearly put him in a shoulder throw.

And that same day, when he and Kuzuryu had discussed justice and morality. Kuzuryu had caught on to Hinata's disdain towards the very police force he worked for.

Then the night before that, when Kuzuryu had summoned him to the private room at Kagayaki, and offered him a wad of cash.

Had Kuzuryu ever told him what else he had planned to discuss that night?

What would have happened if Hinata had accepted that cash?

Hinata's stomach felt as if it were churning in on itself, and not in the sickly pleasant way that it had over his deepening feelings for Kuzuryu.

Just the evening before, Kuzuryu had encouraged Hinata to pursue something else instead of remaining as a cop. He had voiced similar sentiments before, saying that Hinata was wasting his life stuck in a dead-end town.

Had he not actually been saying that for Hinata's sake? Was Kuzuryu only looking to benefit himself?

He had felt such warmth, such affection for Kuzuryu in response to those words, but had he completely misread their intent?

Apparently Hinata had stayed quiet for too long, because there was sudden movement from the other side of the table, and when Hinata finally looked back at Kuzuryu, the blond was sitting up straight, staring at Hinata in horror. "Wait. Hinata..."

And that was the confirmation. The expression Kuzuryu wore spoke volumes, and in that moment Hinata knew that he had arrived at the ugly truth.

He let his gaze harden, and when he spoke next his tone was calm, contrary to the whirlwind of confusion inside his head. "So that's what I am to you, then."

"Hinata, no—"

"Is that what—" Hinata's voice cracked, and he gave a humorless laugh, shaking his head. "This past month, that's all this has been about?"

"Stop, Hinata, I wasn't—"

"I'm leaving." Hinata stood up from the table, leaving his half-eaten dinner where it sat. He suddenly didn't have any appetite at all, and he couldn't bear to look the blond in the face any longer. "Good night, Kuzuryu."

He quickly fished a few bills out of his wallet to cover his meal, then grabbed his jacket and left the restaurant as quickly as he could, ignoring Kuzuryu calling for him to come back.

The pounding of his feet against the street as he ran towards the train station reverberated through his whole body, but he kept moving, ignoring the sting of the cold air in his lungs. His head was in pain, his feet were in pain, and his chest was in pain to an extent that he had never before known. He stopped briefly only when his phone vibrated in his pocket and, after a moment's hesitation, he pulled it out to check the incoming text.

He wasn't sure if he was hoping it would be Kuzuryu, or hoping that it wasn't.

-Did you confess? How did it go?

It was his ex-girlfriend. He stared at the message blankly, unsure of how to respond.

How does one go about explaining that the relationship hadn't been more than an attempted recruitment into the criminal underground?

Grimacing, he shoved the phone back into his pocket and continued his trek to the station.

If he hadn't been sure of his feelings for Kuzuryu before, then the sheer pain of his heartache now would have made it obvious.

And that was probably what hurt more than anything else.