Notes: Happy new year, everyone! And happy birthday, Hinata! I'm just barely finishing this on time omg I might polish it up a little bit more later but for now yEAH

Today also marks one year since I started posting this fanfic! I'm so, so grateful for all the lovely comments and support I've gotten over the past year...! Thank you so much to all of you, and I hope you continue to enjoy this story, because I'm gonna keep writing it! :D

Waiting for Rainbows
Chapter 14: I was still alive, alone within me

Kuzuryu had never thought that sitting next to a lover, bodies flush against each other, would ever be uncomfortable, or awkward, or irritating, or any other negative adjective.

Of course, the circumstances were different when the proximity was due to taking public transit on New Year's Eve, one of the busiest travel days of the year, and when he wasn't actually speaking with said lover.

But in a way, the opposite was even worse. For the second leg of the trip they transferred to an express line with reserved seating, and in all his pre-argument wisdom Kuzuryu had booked them a private partitioned compartment.

It took barely an hour to arrive at their final stop in Hakone, but the oppressive atmosphere in their quiet little room made it seem to stretch on forever.

With nothing better to do with his time, Kuzuryu just stared out the window, watching the buildings and winter-barren trees pass them by. The view might have been a little more interesting if it weren't for the light fog blurring the distance; he could only just make out the vague outline of Mount Fuji to the west.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Hinata similarly staring blankly out the window, and Kuzuryu half wanted to try making some sort of small talk—just something to fill the awkward silence between them—but he had no idea what to say. It had been three days since their fight, and they had barely spoken a word to each other since. It was almost laughable, really, that they were taking a trip together with the state their relationship was in. For some reason, though, Kuzuryu had felt like calling it off would have been the wrong move. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but...

"Why is Hinata-kun spending his birthday with you?"

He had yet to find an answer to that question, but the fact that Nanami would ask it in the first place had to mean something. It made him feel like canceling their trip might do some sort of irreparable damage to their relationship—and even as pissed as he was, Kuzuryu didn't want that.

Not that he exactly wanted to apologize either, though. He was only just starting to accept that maybe—maybe—the circumstances might warrant it, but he knew his stubbornness would keep him from caving in for at least another few days.

So it all added up to an awkward situation all around, and even as they arrived in Hakone and took a cab to the inn, very few words were exchanged between them.

It continued like that for hours.

It was absolutely maddening, and Kuzuryu found himself spending most of the evening in the recreation room, throwing darts to vent his frustration. The stupid trip was going to shit, and it was clear whenever he looked at Hinata that he shared that opinion. The short-term solution to the gut-wrenching guilt he felt over that was to hide away and not even look at his boyfriend, but he knew that in the long term, the only way to fix it was to talk things out.

It kind of made him want to throw up.

After what felt like hours of throwing darts, Kuzuryu saw Hinata enter the room from his peripheral vision. He grit his teeth as the cop approached and channeled all his irritation into his next throw, relishing in the satisfying thunk against the cork target.

Three darts later, Hinata finally broke his silence and spoke up. "Hey, Kuzuryu..."

Kuzuryu frowned and tossed another dart. "What?" he said shortly.

Hinata didn't answer; it seemed from his expression that he was debating how best to continue, but Kuzuryu found that he didn't have the patience for that. If Hinata didn't have the resolve to immediately say what was on his mind, what was the point?

Kuzuryu threw the last of his darts and, rather than fetching them from the target, he turned to leave the room. "Whatever," he grumbled. "You can do what you want, but I'm going to the bath."

He was under no delusions that the hot springs would wash away his frustrations or anything, but maybe he thought it would be a little more relaxing than it was. Instead, Kuzuryu found it hard to stay still, especially when Hinata followed after him a few minutes later, sitting himself an infuriatingly respectable distance away.

What good was soaking in water doing them?

He left the spring soon after, quickly toweling himself off before wrapping himself in one of the inn's yukatas to shield him from the cold. Retreating to their room, Kuzuryu huddled at the kotatsu and turned on the TV. He stared resolutely at the screen without really seeing what was playing. Some sort of idol group tearfully reuniting with a sempai that had graduated from the talent agency years ago or something, he didn't really give a shit.

He didn't look up when Hinata entered the room, but he could see from the corner of his eye that he had stopped just inside the door, fiddling with the towel around draped over his shoulders awkwardly.

Kuzuryu was determined not to say anything, even as Hinata made no move to leave his position for several minutes, and as proof of that determination he plucked an orange from the bowl of fruit in the middle of the table and busied himself with peeling it. If Hinata wanted his attention, he'd have to do more than just stand around and do fuckall like a dumbass.

He finally heard Hinata's footfalls against the tatami, but he kept his eyes trained on the television until suddenly the power switched off.

Kuzuryu paused, an orange segment halfway to his mouth. "I was watching that," he said without turning his gaze.

"You were not, and we both know it."

Kuzuryu frowned, then popped the orange piece in his mouth. "Whatever," he muttered around bites.

There was a shuffling of fabric as Hinata moved to sit down. "Look, Kuzuryu..."

Kuzuryu nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Hinata's knee brush against his own, and finally he turned to look at the other man sitting right at his side. "I'm sitting here!" he exclaimed.

"I want to sit next to you."

"Then sit on that side of the table!"

"But I want to sit here."

Kuzuryu huffed, then shifted to stand up. "Fine, I'll move to another side, then."

"Kuzuryu, wait." Hinata's hand landed on top of his, stopping him from moving, and Kuzuryu reluctantly turned to meet Hinata's gaze. His olive eyes were pleading, and Kuzuryu couldn't find it in him to pull away. "Please, let me talk."

Kuzuryu stayed still for a moment, considering, before finally sighing and settling back in his spot. "Now you want to talk?" he groused, and went back to peeling apart his orange. His elbow kept bumping into Hinata's; the table really wasn't meant for two grown men to be sitting on the same side.

"Well, you see..." Hinata rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "It's almost the new year, you know? I'd like to start it on a good foot, so... I want to clear the air, so to speak."

Kuzuryu stilled.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," Hinata assured him. "Don't do anything you don't want to do. But at the very least..." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I want you to know about me. So will you listen?"

Silence fell between them. After a moment, Kuzuryu spoke up. "Well, go on," he urged.

Hinata sighed, and Kuzuryu felt him relax a bit against his side. He hadn't even realized he was particularly tense. "Well, where to start... Like Nanami mentioned, I was raised by my mom. My dad was never in the picture, so it was just the two of us."

Kuzuryu made a noise in his throat to indicate that he was listening. "Don't see why that was such a big deal that you had to keep it hidden."

"It's not that I was keeping it hidden, but it's just... it was the accumulation of everything that's hard to talk about." He paused, then reached over to give Kuzuryu's hand a nudge. "Can I have a piece?"

Kuzuryu peered up at him, but handed over a segment of the orange. "So do you plan on telling me what that 'everything' is?"

Hinata hummed an affirmative sound as he swallowed the orange. "Yeah. So... raising me by herself, it was hard to make ends meet. I didn't really fully understand when I was little, but she worked long and hard, and she managed to provide for me well enough. It wore her down eventually, though."

Kuzuryu pushed away the orange rind, focusing on Hinata's words fully. "Overworked herself?"

"Yeah." Hinata smiled softly, but it didn't reach his eyes. "When I went on to college, I wanted to get myself a good job and be able to tend for her finally, so she wouldn't have to keep pushing herself, but..." He sighed, then cradled his face in his hands, obscuring his expression. "She passed away around the end of my second year of college. I wasn't even able to do that for her."

Kuzuryu was silent. He wasn't really sure what to say; he knew from experience that sometimes the best option was just saying nothing at all. So without a word, he reached over and placed his hand on Hinata's.

He saw Hinata give a small smile, and felt him reposition their hands to thread together more naturally before giving a gentle squeeze. "It wasn't completely unexpected," he continued. "Her health had been deteriorating over the years, so I kind of saw it coming. But still, it was..." With his free hand, he lifted his fingers to rest by his eyes. "It was hard. On top of having to cope with losing her, I was also the one who had to take care of her burial arrangements, inheritance, and all that. I was all she had. It was... a lot to deal with. And I can't really say I managed well. My studies suffered, and they never really recovered."

Kuzuryu looked up at Hinata, into those olive eyes marred with stress lines. He had mentioned before that they had appeared during college... Honestly, Kuzuryu liked the way they looked. It would probably be pretty insensitive to mention that now, though.

"I only barely managed to graduate in the end," Hinata continued with a humorless laugh. "There was no way I was going to be accepted into my career choice, so I just ended up enrolling in the police academy instead, figuring I'd try to become a detective." He paused for a moment, rubbing a thumb against the top of Kuzuryu's hand. "After saying all that, it seems so silly that I kept quiet about it, but it's just... hard to even think back on, let alone put it into words."

"Mm," Kuzuryu answered, looking down at their joined hands. "It's hard to talk about losing someone close to you."

A silence fell between them, thick with words that Kuzuryu left unsaid. After a moment's hesitation, he decided he might as well vocalize them.

"My sister died. You probably figured out that much on your own."

Out of the corner of his eye Kuzuryu saw Hinata nod silently.

"She was a tough thing, you know? Ruthless, but charming enough to manipulate others according to her whims." Kuzuryu lifted his mouth into a small smile, thinking back on his little sister. "She was... well-liked. I've always been the true successor to the family, but there was a faction that wanted Natsumi to take the reins instead. They thought I was too soft-hearted, too kind to lead a yakuza clan."

At his side, Hinata shifted slightly, pulling Kuzuryu closer and placing a soft kiss at his temple. Flushing, Kuzuryu waved him off, though he didn't hate the show of affection.

"Anyway," Kuzuryu continued said, "it turned into this big protest between the members who wanted me to lead and those who wanted Natsumi. Some of the arguments got really heated, and there was even some bloodshed and traded blows. Even some of our allied clans in the area had their own opinions on who should lead..."

He paused, thinking about what he knew he had to explain next. He grit his teeth and squeezed Hinata's hand in his own, steeling himself for what would be the hardest part of the story to retell.

After taking a deep breath, he continued. "About a year before I was supposed to be officially recognized as the next leader, some dumb kids from one of those allied clans loyal to me kidnapped her. Wanted to hold her hostage, returning her on the condition that my dad kept me as the heir, or some harebrained scheme like that. It wasn't very well thought-out... or executed." He paused, then pushed ahead with the rest. "They tried to knock her out, but one of them hit her in a bad spot... and she was gone."

He felt Hinata reach an arm around, pulling him close.

"I mean, pretty pathetic, right?" Kuzuryu forced out a hollow laugh. "Killed by some dipshit who couldn't handle a baseball bat. She should have known better than to resist so much in a hostage situation, yeah? She was a firecracker, and look where it got her."

When Hinata spoke, it was in a low voice, and Kuzuryu could feel the vibrations in his chest from where they touched. "You know that wasn't your fault, right?"

Kuzuryu scoffed. "Of course it wasn't. They were dumbasses, every one of them involved in the incident, even Natsumi. Nothing to do with me."

"Kuzuryu..."

He fell silent, gritting his teeth together. He... what was he hiding his true feelings for? "...Can I really say it wasn't my fault, though? If I had been stronger, more fierce like Natsumi, no one would have complained. I could have put a stop to it all at any point just by putting my foot down and showing some backbone, if I had been just a little more commanding. But I didn't. And now my little sister is dead."

Hinata lifted his hand to stroke Kuzuryu's cheek, and for the first time since he started talking, Kuzuryu looked up into his eyes. They were so sad, and it made Kuzuryu's heart ache. "Maybe some of that could be true," Hinata said, tracing his fingers softly across Kuzuryu's jawbone and through his hair, "but I think you're fine just the way you are. Don't hate yourself for your faults... I definitely don't."

Kuzuryu averted his gaze. "Don't want your fucking pity."

"It's not pity," Hinata insisted. "It's just the truth."

Kuzuryu could feel his cheeks burning, and he nuzzled into Hinata's hand to try and hide it.

"So what happened after that? There still seem to be members of your clan who hate you..."

"What, you noticed that?" Kuzuryu huffed, rolling his eyes. "Those guys I can't stand. Not because they don't support me, but because they don't have the balls to do anything about it." He glanced up at Hinata, studying his reaction. "The guys who left the clan in protest and accepted the consequences of doing so? That shit's respectable. Staying around in a clan whose top brass you hate, just because you're afraid of losing a finger or two? Give me a break."

Hinata made a face like he had stumbled upon an unpleasant truth and was just realizing the gravity of the situation. "And what happened to your sister's kidnappers?"

Kuzuryu let his gaze harden. "The fuck do you think would happen if you kill a Godfather's kid?"

Hinata shivered and let his hand drop from Kuzuryu's face, but he ended up tracing the sleeve of Kuzuryu's yukata and resting at his wrist, as if realizing that he was pulling away and deciding against it at the last moment.

"So, anyway." Kuzuryu leaned back, continuing his story. "In the end, we still have some members of the clan that are opposed to me taking place as the family's head, and who knows what they're planning to do. They're loyal to my dad, but for all I know they could be looking for the opportunity to off me and get one of their own subordinates to take my place." He rubbed at his head, which was still tingling from the warmth of Hinata's fingers. "I think that's a big part of why Peko's so overprotective. I'm not even safe in my own house, fuck."

Hinata screwed his brows in thought. "Is there some way to fix that?"

"Dad's been sending me on jobs to try and get me to show my competence as a leader, try to appeal to those assholes." Kuzuryu waved a hand dismissively. "Expanding our territory, spearheading deals, and especially recruiting new guys that thoroughly trust me."

"Hmm..." Hinata made a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat, then placed another gentle kiss at Kuzuryu's temple.

"You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, but..."

Hinata pulled back slightly, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "Yeah?"

"What's with this sweet-ass shit?" Kuzuryu huffed, feeling his cheeks go warm. "You're gonna give me cavities, fuck."

Hinata laughed. "I thought you liked sweet things."

"Give me a break." Kuzuryu glared up at him and let his hand trace up along the collar of Hinata's yukata, stopping to rest at the nape of his neck before exerting just enough pressure to pull him closer. "We were fighting for days, I think we both deserve something a little more substantial at this point."

Something flickered in Hinata's eyes, and he obediently let Kuzuryu guide him in. "Yeah?" he said, his breath ghosting across the yakuza's lips.

Kuzuryu didn't answer in words; he was done with talking. Instead, he leaned upward to meet Hinata's lips in a kiss, desperate for the affection. Hinata, for his part, eagerly reciprocated, nipping gently at Kuzuryu's lower lip before moving to trail kisses along his jawline.

Kuzuryu let his breath out in a huff. It wasn't enough, and he gripped the fabric of Hinata's yukata as he urged him closer, aching for more contact. He hummed appreciatively when Hinata dipped his head to kiss along the column of his neck, and he let his head fall back to allow him better access. "Oh, fuck me," he moaned.

"Yeah, I'm getting to that."

Kuzuryu blinked, his hands falling slack upon Hinata's shoulders, and he craned his head downwards to stare at the other man in disbelief. Hinata hovered awkwardly at the base of Kuzuryu's neck, his face rapidly turning beet red as his own words sank in, and all Kuzuryu could do was stare.

Holy fuck, he really did just say that.

Hinata seemed to be at a loss of what to do, visibly uncomfortable under Kuzuryu's gaze and blushing to the tips of his ears. "I—" He began to back off, pulling the lapels of Kuzuryu's yukata back together. "I didn't—"

Whatever he was about to say was abruptly cut off by a peal of laughter, and it took Kuzuryu a second to realize that it was his own. He laughed and laughed, and through the hysteria he managed to grab Hinata's arm to pull them back together, hiding his own burning face against Hinata's shoulder. Before long, Hinata was laughing as well, and for a while they just sat in an entangled embrace and laughed until their cheeks hurt and they were short of breath.

Kuzuryu felt lighter than he had in days—or perhaps even years.

When the laughter finally died down, they laid against each other, breath ragged and coming in bursts. Kuzuryu pulled himself up from where he had ended up nestled against Hinata's chest and placed a hand against the brunet's cheek, meeting Hinata's burning gaze with his own. "You dork," he breathed, still grinning wide enough to split his face in two. "That wasn't sexy at all."

"Sorry," Hinata responded, but between the gleam in his eyes and the smile on his face, he didn't look sorry at all.

Not that Kuzuryu really gave a shit.

Kuzuryu let his hand wander from Hinata's cheek towards the back of his neck, raking fingers through the spiky brown locks before pulling him in for a kiss, hot and breathless and just a little bit giddy.

He wasn't letting go of this feeling for a single instant that night, that was for sure.

Kuzuryu was drawn from sleep slowly, almost reluctantly. His limbs felt heavy with an exhaustion unlike any he had experienced before, and as he tried to sit up experimentally, his body ached in protest. He grimaced against the unfamiliar sensations, but when he looked down at Hinata still asleep at his side, bare and beautiful and all his, his body flooded with a warmth much like they had shared the night before.

Carefully, he laid back down on the futon, curling against Hinata's side and sighing contentedly at the feel of skin against skin.

He wasn't snuggling or anything, just preserving heat. Still, he didn't want Hinata to wake up and see and get the wrong idea or some shit like that. Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu didn't snuggle.

He laid there silently, listening to Hinata's slow, steady breaths as the gray morning light gradually brightened the room. It was calm, and comfortable, and Kuzuryu felt his eyelids drooping as he began to drift off to sleep again.

"Um..."

Kuzuryu's eyes snapped open and he jumped back in surprise, putting a good foot of space between them and wincing as he felt a shot of pain in his hips. How long had Hinata been awake?! His cheeks burned under the scrutiny of Hinata's sleepy gaze and he found himself pulling the comforter up to cover his exposed front.

Hinata's only response to the sudden display of modesty was a confused eyebrow quirk. He then chuckled softly and extended an arm, silently inviting Kuzuryu back into his embrace. Kuzuryu hesitated for just a moment before obliging, letting himself be pulled flush against Hinata's body like he had always meant to be there.

Being cuddled was a different matter entirely. And if Kuzuryu's arm curled around Hinata's waist in turn, well, that was just a matter of comfort, nothing more.

"A lawyer, by the way."

The words were little more than a puff of breath against Kuzuryu's ear, and it took him a moment to make sense of the syllables that seemed so meaningless and unwelcome in their little world. Even then, they were so sudden and out of context that Kuzuryu couldn't help but twist his face in confusion as he looked up at Hinata. "What?"

"You've asked before, but I forgot to mention it last night." Hinata's eyes were half-lidded as he absently traced a finger along a pale stripe on the smaller man's freckled shoulder. Kuzuryu fisted his hand against the small of Hinata's back; Hinata had spent the night before tracing Kuzuryu's scars, with fingers, lips, and tongue, and the memory of it made him shiver. "I wanted to be a defense lawyer."

A lawyer... Kuzuryu took a deep breath through his nose, trying to steel his thoughts. What the fuck was Hinata doing, making him think of lewd shit while talking about something important? In retaliation, he raised his own fingertips to Hinata's skin, ghosting over the marks he had left on Hinata's chest, collarbone, and shoulder. "So why didn't you?"

"How could I?" Hinata had the decency to finally pull his hand back, settling his arm around Kuzuryu's shoulders. "Even if I had the grades to get into a good law school—and I didn't—there's no way I would have had the momentum to pass the bar. It's not pessimism, just being realistic. Why set myself up to fail?"

"Hmm." Kuzuryu let his eyes drift closed as he considered those words. "You would have made a shitty lawyer, anyway."

"Gee, thanks."

"No, I mean it." He tilted his head to look up at Hinata. "You think you'd be able to defend any client, regardless of whether they were actually guilty or not? When you're all about the pursuit of truth rather than justice? Lawyers are corrupt fucks who fight for a client's innocence for the sake of their paycheck. You can't just pick and choose who you defend, Hinata, and you can't decide to turn against your guilty clients, either. That's career suicide. That's why you'd make a shitty lawyer."

Hinata let his gaze wander, clearly unsure of how to react in the face of such harsh truth. "Ah."

"...It's also why you'd make a great lawyer."

Kuzuryu watched as Hinata's cheeks flushed red, and the arms around his shoulders tightened to pull him into a firm hug. "Thanks," he muttered into the crook of Kuzuryu's shoulder.

Kuzuruy's breath stuttered in his lungs as he relaxed into the embrace. "Yeah," he said. He turned to look at Hinata, puzzled when he couldn't quite identify the expression he wore. He didn't look quite as happy as he expected, and Kuzuryu raised his fingertips to trace the worried lines between his eyebrows. Had that not been the right thing to say? What would be the right thing to say?

He wasn't really sure. He couldn't think of anything else to say on the matter that might ease the tension in Hinata's expression.

At a loss, he fell back on the only other words that seemed to be somewhat appropriate. "Also, happy birthday."

That, at least, was enough for Hinata let himself relax into a smile.

Notes: I did it...! I managed to mostly keep to my crazy update schedule for this week! Haha

I'm going to wrap up this mini-arc with one more chapter, but I'm not sure when that will go up! I said before that it would hopefully be this month, but the crazy stuff at my job that I mentioned in the last chapter's notes will, ah... have lasting repercussions, I guess, and I'm not sure how that will affect the free time I have to write. We'll just have to see!