Chapter Five - Retainer
"I have something difficult to tell you," Maahes says.
My heart thuds painfully. Could it be that despite everything -- sacrificing myself willingly, passing the judgement, and discovering that the gods are far kinder than I had ever dreamed -- the gods are not willing to correct the defects in my being? Am I still doomed, for fracturing myself to save my pharaoh?
Maahes' head shakes once. "No, it's nothing like that."
My eyes widen. Of course it makes sense that he, or any god, would know my thoughts, but why would would he care?
"Stop that!" Maahes growls. I freeze instantly. Will I ever manage to not offend this god to whom I owe so much? His fierce lion eyes soften as he places a hand on my cheek, forcing me to meet his gaze. I am stunned to realize that his expression, while soft, is also proud. Is he -- pleased with me? But ... "I know you have heard several times about how you are different, incomplete, imperfect, and thus, not able to enter the Fields of the Blessed, but the truth is ... "
"Not to be revealed now." Startled at the new voice, I look up into the face of a king. No, not merely a king, the face of a god. By his green hue, for he is green from the crown of his head to bottom of his feet, I realize I face Lord Osiris, god of the afterlife and, in truth, the very king of the Blessed Dead. My reaction, so automatic that thought never enters into it, is to sink to the ground and offer the fullness of my homage to him. Gentle hands on my right and left lift me again, to once more face this one of the supreme gods. As if to support me against his stern regard, Maahes and Anubis remain next to me, on either side. I cannot help but feel they are mutely offering their support.
Osiris does nothing so obvious as smile, but, even from him I receive, somehow, the sense that I have met with his approval. "If not for your true devotion and honest humility, we would have cause to be gravely concerned by the challenge you present us, and the power you wield," he begins. "But there is no need for us to be concerned. You know your place and your respect for us is genuine. I am quite pleased with you, Mahaad."
"My Lord Osiris, I ..."
He holds up a hand, forestalling the rest of my statement. "Still, from what you have done and the power you have gained, you are not as the other Blessed Dead. Unlike others, there are two possible fates for you in your afterlife."
Two fates? I had never heard of such a thing! Yet, I know that what I have done has never been done before, either. How kind the gods are to go to such lengths for me. Why has it taken me this long to realize how much effort they are expending on my behalf? Not only are they concerned with what happens with me, but each is taking care to manifest in a form that I can instantly recognize -- the lords Anubis and Wepwawet with the heads of jackals, Maahes' lion head, too; and now Lord Osiris with his green skin and raiment.
As Osiris continues, the goddess Ma'at gazes levelly into my eyes and nods solemnly, though an enigmatic smile plays about her lips. "Either one of the fates you may chose serves to further ma'at, so it falls to you to select the fate you wish. Still, before you can make such a decision, there is something you need to know." Osiris nods to Maahes. "Tell him."
"The one you sacrificed your life to defeat, Bakura, lives. Further, he escaped the tomb you designed to trap him, and plots even more vigorously against your pharaoh."
"N,no!" I cannot help but feel the blackest despair at this revelation. And, I'm not there to guard my pharaoh! Furthermore...
"My, the Ring? The Millennium Ring?" I rasp out.
"The thief holds it now. He is able to fully use its power." Lord Maahes confirms reluctantly.
"It was all for nothing. I gave up everything -- for nothing!"
"No, not for nothing. It is true that the unbalancer has gained from your battle with him. But, you gained, too," Anubis reminds me.
"My lord, not to argue, but I used this new power of Dark Magic against Bakura. Yet, he survived. Perhaps my heart isn't..."
"Your heart is more than pure enough," the goddess Ma'at steps forward. I cannot help but shiver at the wisdom in her eyes. "Sometimes the path of ma'at is not always straight. There may be obstacles in the way. Sometimes, a soul stumbles upon another's path. What seems insurmountable to one, is possible for another."
That's right. It isn't all about me. Ultimately, I am a priest, a magician, important to the court, but not the one around whom the court revolves. Have I stumbled upon a part of my pharaoh's path? Did I take on something I had no right to think I could strive against? Or perhaps, even this, even failing, even my death, is part of ma'at, too. Dare I believe that my pharaoh will be inspired by what happened to me to strive even more powerfully against his foe? No, Atem would fight against a defiler of tombs with all his might without such inspiration.
"My death is still meaningless. My pharaoh would fight with all his being against one such as Bakura."
"Your death, in and of itself, is not important to ma'at."
"Oh." My soul shrivels a little at this cold pronouncement. Was my existence, then, a thing of no import? Has my death and what to do with me now become a godly jest? I just wanted to protect my pharaoh! I just want to protect my friend.
"It is the decision you make now that is important. Your death was only to place you here, where you can make this decision." The goddess holds out her hand. Upon her upturned palm the base of her scale, the one that has already weighed my heart, appears. The balances are misted in shadows -- black swirling together with gold and purple.
"You created much order, ma'at, in how you lived your life. Magician -- using the heka you had been given always for the will of the pharaoh, and always for the good of the people or the punishment of transgressors. You cut yourself off from your own birth-gift, the full strength of your heka, to prevent it from being perverted by the foul presence of the Millennium Ring that it was your destiny to wield. Priest -- serving your pharaoh always to the best of your ability. You used the authority of your position to command others in an appropriately dutiful respect for the final resting places of those who had died. How you lived your life, and how you used your power, count up a measure of right actions that earns you a place in the Blessed Fields."
The swirling shadows part from the tray on the left. A tiny image of me, garbed in the headdress of my station as one of the pharaoh's chosen priests, adorned in the linen and gold robes of my priestly duties, stands in the tray.
"You can choose to go with me when I return to the Blessed Fields. I will make you akh, completely able to share in all the glories and blessings of my kingdom and permitting you to ride within the solar barque, if you so wish. If you choose this path, you will be as the rest of the Blessed Dead, and entitled to the same honor as they in my Fields," Lord Osiris tells me.
"You created much order, ma'at in how you faced your death. Magician -- releasing and mastering the full power of the heka you had held so tightly reined for so long -- mastering too the evil of the Millennium Ring. Priest -- facing your death with complete trust in us, and for the purpose of restoring honor to the dead by destroying the one who defiled a pharaoh's tomb. Desiring to serve, and protect your pharaoh, even past your dying breath. How you crafted your death, and how you learned a new power, count up a measure of right actions that earns you a different destiny, if you so choose it."
The swirling shadows part from the tray on the right. A tiny image of me, garbed in the purple armor I even now wear, grasping the green staff of Dark Magic, stands in the tray.
"You can choose a different destiny. You will be as you are now, neither alive nor wholly dead, wielding a magic never seen before in the world, and able to pass freely through the astral gate between this world and the one you left behind. If you choose this path, you will walk a lonely road. Ultimately, you will serve your pharaoh directly, but, your will, should you chose this destiny, would no longer be your own. You will be his most loyal servant to command -- one from whom any sort of disobedience is not possible. Your will, taken away from you completely whenever you are summoned into the world, might even compel you to strive against him," Lord Anubis warns.
"But, you would be able to honor the final wish of your heart. You would be your pharaoh's loyal servant -- forever. His path of ma'at becomes your own," Maahes tells me.
"The Blessed Dead are not cut off from the ones they loved in life," Lord Osiris continues. "However, the manner of your death is one where it will be difficult for your ka or your ba to make themselves present in the world of the living."
I grasp what he is saying immediately. Again, the bitter irony is that the fate I sought to give the tomb robber -- the unintended honor of being interred within a pharaoh's tomb, yet, without the rites and rituals to permit that honor hold any meaning -- is my own. I left no body through which my ka could make itself known, and without the proper rites, my ba has no way to find either the tomb I had prepared for myself, or the tomb where my body finally ended up. I wasn't forbidden from trying to reach the ones I love most in the world again -- I simply had no way to.
"However, it seems that the presence of the gods, and the richness and pleasure of the Fields of the Blessed more than make up for this, for those Blessed Dead who have the same problem facing you now."
"If you choose the path on the right, you will be remade. Neither human, nor akh, but a creature of Shadow, completely under the command of your master." Anubis warns.
What do I do? Which path do I choose? Lord Osiris is explaining the advantages and shortcomings of the one fate clearly enough. Lord Anubis seems to be warning me from choosing the other. My will not my own? Being commanded by a master? The only one I'd want to use my power if I were not permitted to is Atem -- my pharaoh. Anyone else, I shake my head, I wouldn't accept as my 'master'. But, it seems it is the only fate where I might still be able to help my pharaoh. Isn't that what I want most of all? Isn't that why I am here facing this choice? Wait, is that what this is? This is my chance to take a step back from the actions I've already taken, and change my fate one final time? Confusion swirls in my heart. I raise my eyes and glance around.
Lady Ma'at stands patiently, the scales displaying my choice still resting in her hand. Lord Osiris wears a kindly expression, wanting me to accept the blessings of his kingdom. Lord Anubis appears concerned. And Lord Maahes ...
In Maahes' eyes I see an empathy. Sorrow and pride war in his gaze. All of the gods have regarded me kindly, but in Maahes, I feel ... a special closeness. Almost like kinship. I know, I trust that all the gods want what is best -- for ma'at, the pharaoh, me -- but in that order. Somehow, though Maahes wants the same things, it's almost as if he wants what is best for me first.
"It is your choice." His voice is soft, but somehow holds the roar of a lion, cutting through my confusion straight to my heart. "Yes. Your heart. It has guided you so well thus far. Anubis accepted it as part of the sacrifice you gave to gain your power of Dark Magic, but he returned it to you almost immediately." Lord Anubis smiles and nods. "So, listen to your heart now," Maahes advises.
"If you choose the Fields of the Blessed, you will be perfected. Any concern or sorrow will be remedied. However, it is true you have no way to reach back into the world of the living, given how you died and where your final resting place is. Rather, if you were to try, you'd manifest as a ghost, at best, and most likely not be recognized." Lord Osiris clarifies. "You will be separated from those you love among the living, until the time when they, too, enter my Blessed Fields. And ..."
Lady Isis stepped forward, resting a hand on her husband's arm. "I can tell you that your pharaoh, the one you care about so much that you were willing to sacrifice all to save, may never step foot in those Blessed Fields."
"Surely he, of all people, deserves...!" I begin.
"Even we don't know for certain the path ma'at takes. If he does not enter the Blessed Fields, it is unlikely that it is because Ammut feasts on his heart," Ma'at, the goddess, reassures.
"Still, he may never come to enjoy the peace and rest of the Fields of the Blessed," Lady Isis finishes.
Why would he never...? Oh. Could that be it?
"The other fate is one rife with struggle, strife, uncertainty and sorrow. However, you would for once and for all, reaffirm your heart's vow, witnessed by us, and have your fate tied forevermore to your pharaoh." Lord Anubis gestures to the purple-clad figure on the tray.
"What does your heart say? Which fate do you choose for yourself?" Again the subtle roar in Lord Maahes' voice cuts right through my confusion to speak directly to my heart.
It is a huge decision, even more important than the one I made that ended my life. Do I reach for the familiar and known, the one where I will rest in the comfort and pleasure I earned in life as one of Osiris' Blessed Dead now? He's reassured me that I would not worry about my pharaoh, and he is correct -- all those I left behind will one day or another enter those Fields for themselves. I would see them all again.
Except, possibly, for Atem. My pharaoh. I might not worry, as one of the Blessed Dead, but ... He deserves someone to worry for him. So that he doesn't have to worry about himself.
And, I left things undone. Bakura, (may his name be forgotten forever!) still lives, and now he uses the very Millennium Item I bore against my pharaoh. He would not have that power if I had succeeded in killing him. Perhaps, as 'a creature of Shadow' I will learn a power that will be strong enough to take care of him, once and for all. So that my pharaoh need not worry about him again. So that those I love, that I left behind, will live out their lives in peace until the day they too face the weighing of the heart, and enter the Fields of the Blessed.
My eyes fall to the purple-encased figure on the scale. My ka's armor had felt like an embrace when I first donned it, but now ... Isn't it a sort of prison? It certainly does not contain the lightness and freedom of the robes I am most accustomed to wearing! Still, it is oddly comfortable to me, though I've never worn anything like it before. I would become trapped in a will-less duty to a 'master' just as I would be trapped to wear the armor, but Lord Anubis told me that my master would ultimately be Atem. Regarding him as my master, the master of my will, distresses me not at all. For him, I am willing to sacrifice even my right to choose my own actions -- after all, I may no longer be alive, but I can still follow the voice of my heart.
My heart. The vow of my heart. "I am your loyal servant forever!"
I reach a steady hand forth and gently take the purple-clad figure from the scale. "This. This is the fate I choose."
"So be it. Embrace the destiny you have chosen." At her command, I bring the tiny figure up, and press it against my heart. The scale, with the choice of the afterlife of the Blessed Fields, disappears from Lady Ma'at's hand as the figure disappears from mine, to take its place in my heart. "I acknowledge the Dark Magician." She smiles at me, seemingly kindly, one last time, and disappears.
"All your tomorrows are wrapped up in your chosen pharaoh's. Until he steps foot in the Fields of the Blessed, if ever he does, you are not permitted." Lord Osiris gazes sternly at me. I wonder if he is disappointed by the choice I made. He turns and regards the god on my right with that stern gaze. "I charge you, Maahes, with overseeing the Dark Magician's actions. Until such time as his chosen pharaoh completes his destiny, Mahaad is your personal charge."
"As you wish, Lord Osiris," Maahes inclines his head respectfully.
"Further, the risk of knowing his own ren must be remedied," Osiris continues. "As his will is now subject to being controlled by others, such dangerous knowledge must not be permitted to fall into evil hands."
"I will safeguard it, my lord," Lord Maahes' eyes seem bleak. "But without knowing his true name, how is Mahaad to recall the knowledge of Dark Magic?"
"The Dark Magician," there is a tiny emphasis in Osiris' voice, perhaps indicating this is my new name under this fate, "will be instructed in the ways of Dark Magic by Thoth and Isis if he should forget once he is relieved of the burden of his true name." Maahes nods his head.
Lord Horus, who has merely witnessed everything silently until now, steps forward. "Father, is he also to take command of the Shadow Realm? The time for Akunumkanon's release is at hand, and the realm needs a strong regent to hold it for the king. I think the Dark Magician is just the one we've been waiting for."
"I believe he will have a few duties to tend to in the Two Lands first, but yes. Ultimately, he will hold that regency as well. You will take the task of instructing him?" Horus nods. "Good. Then, all is settled here."
Lord Osiris looks at me searchingly. "Dark Magician," he begins, "Mahaad, you are not permitted to enter my realm, but you are still a child of my heart. I am not displeased with the choice you have made." With those comforting words, Osiris vanishes.
"Send him to me when he is ready," Lord Horus regards me with gleaming falcon's eyes. "I will teach him what he needs to know about the war in the Shadow Realm." He nods toward Anubis and Maahes, and strides off.
"We will confer on how best to teach the Dark Magician the secret arts, as well," Lady Isis states. At her nod, Lord Thoth bows his head and follows her.
"I was pleased when you discovered your true name," Lord Maahes lifts miserable eyes to meet mine. "I wish I didn't have to take it away again."
"It would leave Mahaad too vulnerable if he remembers it," Lord Anubis counters. "Since he can be compelled beyond his own will as the Dark Magician, that is."
"I know," Maahes still seems sad.
"It is a splendid name," I offer. "My heart feels as fierce as a lion just knowing it!" Maahes smiles. "But, if it's dangerous for me to know, if it will make it so I can be used against my pharaoh, or my gods, wouldn't it be better if it is in your keeping -- instead of mine? You can guard it better than I can."
Lord Anubis smiles at me. "You understand the need to forget it. That is good. Come, Maahes, you are doing this to protect him, not deprive him." Maahes still wears a rebellious air as he glares at Lord Anubis. He blinks, evidently at a sudden thought, then blinks again. I can't see it, but somehow, I sense -- that he is smiling.
"Your true name ... I inscribe it upon your heart." Maahes steps forward, resting his hand yet again, above my heart. Unlike the times he touched me thus before, his finger traces a slow, deliberate circle around my heart. "I will bind your ren again, protecting it from being revealed, within the cartouche of my watchful regard. Your heart, beyond the reach of your will, can still know your true name without risk." He glances up at Lord Anubis with something of a challenge sparking in his golden, lion eyes. "I will not take that knowledge completely away from you. And, if ever there is a time when it is not dangerous for you to fully know it again, all you need to do is ask and I will reveal it to you." Maahes regards me with a rebellious sort of dignity. "This is the best I can do."
Lord Anubis barks out a laugh. "It is sufficient. Lord Osiris merely wants the risk erased. If Mahaad doesn't know his true name in a way that makes him vulnerable to others, there is no risk."
"Good." Maahes blinks, as if steeling himself. His palm flattens against my chest again, and a shock shoots through me at his touch. Purple and gold, swirling shadows of grey and black, circles of binding, hats of concealing, boxes of death and through it all, a lion's voice roaring, an important word I can't quite make out through all the sensations swirling in my mind ...
The world tilts, and stands upright again. No, it's me who's once again upright, leaning heavily against the sturdy strength of a lion-god's arm. I feel weak, so I need to rely on that strength.
"I, I don't remember it, but I know my true name is a splendid name!" I declare softly.
Maahes regards me quizzically. "Yes, it is." A gleam enters his eye. "But so is the name meaning 'Chosen Hand of Maahes', don't you agree, Mahesenseteped?"
Yes, it is. I suppose, when I am not 'Dark Magician' I should use that name, now, given all that has happened ... I nod at him.
"But," Maahes sighs deeply and looks up toward the heavens as if for strength, "I must admit, the name 'Mahaad', especially how you received it, has its own splendor, too. And, it is the name most familiar to your heart." Does this mean he doesn't mind if I keep it? It might be a name given to me as a whim by a child prince, but, it is the name I am most comfortable with. If Lord Maahes understands that, and permits me to continue using it ...
"Ah, Mahaad, you are indeed my 'chosen hand'," Maahes smiles down at me. "Come. I will guide you to those who can tutor your in this 'Dark Magic' you are now struggling so hard to understand." Placing my hand in his, and following where he leads, has somehow become as natural as any action I had taken in life.
"Your master will have need of your Dark Magic very soon, now." Anubis states.
This warning causes me to shiver. Yes, things might have settled to a balanced resolution for me, but Atem, my pharaoh, is still in peril. I must learn all that I can of this new Dark Magic, so that I can help him!
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Author's notes -
Next chapter teaser -- Chapter Six – Return
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