Ill Repute

Note: I got a review last time saying that things were going too fast between Axel and Roxas… I don't recall who left it, but for all who feel this way, I assure you that it will be quite different than you think… This chapter in particular was difficult to write, because it's leading into the end of the story, but appears to be going in a direction it's not. In other words, there's a plot twist. One I'm surprised no one has asked about yet, but it's there, and it's the reason there is going to be a sequel.

"And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out. And I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down. On 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact: I'm half jill, and half jack." –The Dresden Dolls, "Half-Jack"

Chapter Six: Taboos

Perfect acceptance of the new state of affairs between Axel and Roxas was not really expected on the side of the latter, and it certainly was far from "perfect". It wasn't a spoken thing, and no one in the house actually came out and said it, but there was an underlying tension among several of the boys. Cid never addressed it, but he had his own reasons, and among them was the simple fact that he did not wish to interfere on behalf of either side. There was no need to open a rift with playing "favorites". Cid decided that if there really was a problem, the boys with it would have to learn to deal with it and accept that there were other issues more important than whether or not one of their housemates had different tastes.

As for the rest of the world as they knew it, it was non-existent. They were rarely seen out together, perhaps only on the way to and from school. It was a strained, confused sort of affair, and neither quite knew what they were doing, or what they were supposed to expect from it. It didn't make any sense, not to Roxas at least. He went along with it, hoping it would justify itself as they went along, but weeks and months passed and Roxas still didn't understand why. He knew that there was something that kept him from reacting negatively, but… Roxas wanted to understand. Was he supposed to?

More importantly, did he want to? Roxas was having more frequent headaches, as he was more frequently wondering about the memories he didn't have. Sora knew some, but not all, and did not tell him the things that had made all his memories leave. Sometimes, Roxas pushed through the headaches and tried to remember everything, or anything. Eventually, there was something. A single phrase that drove out any idea that things were okay and they would work themselves out. A single phrase that isolated Roxas and made it so he cared about understanding.

"Roxas, you're so heartless! Maybe you can't care about anyon—"

And no matter how hard Roxas tried to suppress that memory, it refused to leave his mind. He didn't know who had said it, or why… but maybe… what if… they were right. There had to be a reason for them to say such a thing to him.

There was a day in which Axel had detention, or a make-up chemistry lab, or something, and Roxas went home alone. He ignored everyone's attempts to talk to him, and shut himself in the room. He needed to think. He needed to understand. He needed… something more than this blind, empty feeling that led him to do things with Axel every night when the lights were off. Things that were silent purely because noise was a taboo Roxas had on more than one occasion come close to breaking. But he liked the silence. It told no secrets. He was blind. He was deaf… Roxas felt like a fool in a game he didn't want to get out of. As much as he'd try to stop and get answers necessary for him to make a choice, he found himself caught back in the game. It was like he didn't really want to get out. He had been making half-hearted attempts up until then.

There was a knock at the door. Roxas didn't move.

Again, and once again, silence greeted the knocker.

"Roxas, I want to talk to you." Sora. It was Sora. His brother. He could talk to Sora.

The blond twin stood and trudged over to the door, opening it gloomily.

"You look pleasant." Sora observed in sarcasm.

Roxas stepped aside and allowed Sora to step in. "Just been thinking about things."

"Did you and Axel fight?"

"No."

"Did you fail a Geometry test?"

"No."

"Biology?"

"No." Roxas was annoyed.

Sora sat down at his desk. "I know." He told him quietly. "Would you like to tell me what it is?"

There was a long silence as Roxas stood silently and stared at him. He sighed, and then sat down on the bed. The silence extended further as he set his head in his hands.

"I'm not capable of caring for someone." He confessed quietly.

Sora's eyebrows raised. "Bull."

Roxas looked up at his brother. "No, Sora. I mean it. I don't think I can care for someone like you care for Riku. I just… I feel empty. I feel… stupid. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it… Just that I'm doing it and I don't understand why. Every time I try and think about it, or bring it up, something happens and I'm back to not understanding why I'm doing what I'm doing."

Sora was quiet for a long time. "So Axel knows that this is what you think, right?"

"I guess."

"Roxas…"

"Don't feel sorry for me, Sora. It's just not like you and Riku."

"So you don't think you love him, is that it?" Sora sounded incredulous at his brother's logic. "That's a big step to make, Roxas… You don't have to imme—"

"It's purely physical." Roxas cut in, a bit coldly. "I don't think I ever can. I don't think I can at all. With anyone."

Sora was quiet for a long moment. "I don't think that's true, Roxas."

"I do."

Sora sighed.

"Sora, not everyone is as accepting as you are. I really appreciate that you have accepted me, and this… And I know that you know that this is hard, but it's even harder when I haven't got very much faith in this to start with."

"Don't you feel anything with him?"

"I like having him around. I like kissing him. I like how he makes me feel when we… do anything." He sighed. "We don't talk much, though. We aren't seen together much. I have to defend something I'm not sure of to a group of people I care about, by their looks alone. They don't have to say a word for me to understand." And there, Roxas had broken the taboo of speaking. "And I have to do it all alone, and blind to the reasons why."

"I don't know that I can help you, Roxas." Sora stood up, then kneeled in front of his brother, taking his hands away from his face and holding them. "But I want you to know that I'm always here for you, no matter what. I'm not going to hold anything against you." He frowned. "I don't know what's going on, or why you feel the way you do now, but if he makes you feel something that makes it worth it, then you should follow that." He stood up and gave Roxas a smile. "I better see you at dinner." He gave his twin a light punch on the shoulder and left him in the awful silence.

Roxas stayed there for a long time, before the hammering of heavy boots announced that Axel was coming. The door creaked open and the floorboards moaned in protest to their age and ill-repair.

"Roxas?" His voice was hoarse and strained, and Roxas could tell that it had been a bad day. Maybe this conversation was left for a better day…

Roxas mentally slapped himself. If he wanted answers, he needed to know then. The redhead sat down next to him, then sunk to lay his head against the pillow and curl around the younger teen. "What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

"I want to understand why."

Axel sat up. "Not this again."

Roxas didn't turn to look at him, even as Axel sighed in frustration. "I have reasons to want to know why."

Axel seized the teen and forced him to look at him. "You don't have to understand everything, Roxas." He hissed and forced his mouth on the other, who struggled furiously and shoved him off.

"Axel, you're not listening!" Roxas cried, even as he was pinned down and looking up into Axel's furious pools of green.

"No, Roxas, you aren't." He whispered. "Because if you had been, you'd understand that this isn't just about you. You think I'm not taking just as much shit as you are? You think I understand this anymore than you do? I know that it's right, and that's enough for me. There aren't many things in this world that make sense, or can be explained, and there are even less things that are right… So when I know something's right, I follow it." There was no denying that this Axel was the same one that Roxas had first met; the one that had fought him in the streets.

"I don't always need answers. Neither do you. Do you have to understand why up is up and down is down? Do you need to understand everything that happens in the world?" The change back was seamless. "This is right, Roxas. Stop asking questions."

"I'm not capable of feeling anything like Sora does for Riku… Not for you. Not for anyone."

Axel's eyes darkened in sadness and disappointment, he laid his weight on Roxas, who didn't protest. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. "That's a lie."

"I don't regret anything, and I feel something, but it's not like Sora."

"It doesn't have to be." Normally, Axel's voice would have risen, but it didn't. It was low and even and sad. "I told you it doesn't have to make sense. How am I supposed to prove that there's something here. That there's something that's tying us together and making it impossible for…" He stopped short and sighed. "For stuff."

Roxas stared. "What are you talking about? Stuff?"

Axel frowned. "Don't worry about it right now. I want to… I want to fix this before anything."

"There's nothing to fix."

Axel looked at Roxas sternly. "You're just being obstinate now. Wake up, Roxas. You and I both know that we wouldn't do the things we do… Goddammit, we wouldn't be fucking every night if there weren't something… And you know it, too."

Roxas was quiet for a long time. "I—"

"Not a word more about it. I don't know if this has something to do with you not remembering anything, or if someone said something to you, but you've got to trust yourself on things like these."

"Axel… I…" Were those the beginnings of tears? "I don't even know where we're going with this."

"You don't have to. You don't have to know what you're doing, or where it's going. Just… enjoy it, won't you?" There was a sad smile. "You never know how long it's all going to last, you know?"

Well, Roxas decided, that was cryptic.

Axel rolled off him to lie next to him. "That's how I look at it, at least. I know that I like having you around, and I like how I feel with you." He turned and looked at him. "Whether you know it or not, you're one of the most caring people I know." He smiled. "You gave everything for Sora, and I think you still would. You let your opinion of me change, after I gave you no reason to. You let your mind open up to something that I don't know you ever thought of before, and you've made me happier than anyone should be in this place."

"But… it may not last." He echoed Axel's earlier words.

Axel smiled. "No, maybe it won't. And maybe it will."

There was loud, rapid-fire knocking on the door. "Roxas! Axel!"

The two exchanged a glance. "Demyx?" Roxas whispered and went to open the door.

The taller blond tumbled into the room, shaking and crying and throwing himself pitifully against Roxas. Axel was up in an instant, helping Roxas drag Demyx to the bed.

"What's going on?" Axel demanded.

"It's… terrible. Xaldin found him. In their room. He… He… killed…" Demyx couldn't finish, and collapsed back into miserable sobs.

Immediately, both understood what had happened. Roxas sat heavily on the bed. Xaldin was Zexion's roommate. "Why?" Was all he could manage. Axel was frozen.

"I don't… know." Demyx choked. Roxas looked up at Axel. He had been right. Things didn't always last. Axel had been there much longer than Roxas. This probably wasn't the first end he'd seen.

"How's Xaldin?" He asked softly.

"A mess." Demyx was crying so hard. "I never thought it'd… happen… again…"

They helped him get back to his room and to Sora, who was in shock and crying silently. On the way back, Roxas sank against the wall, his own tears sliding angry and hot down his cheeks. "Again?" He whispered to Axel, who was sitting next to him, head hung low and his knees curled to his chest.

Axel nodded. "One of Demyx's old roommates. That's why it's so hard on him. He and Marluxia had gotten really close. They were both orphans." He shook his head. "I didn't want to see it again while I was here. I thought I wasn't going to." His shoulders shook and Roxas realized that Axel was finally crying and shaking and he was almost as bad as Demyx had been.

The home was quiet, broken by the occasional banging on a wall, or a long wail that didn't seem like it would be from the lips of a man, or the sound of paramedics coming for Zexion, too late to save him, and the awful, awful sound of silence.

Roxas realized that he hated the silence more than anything.

End Chapter Six