September 16th
Dear Diary,
Last night, I had a dream about myself at the age of seven. Well, it was actually a flashback. You see, there was this incident in elementary school that caused my mother to decide that I needed to see a psychologist for a while ( although the sessions actually lasted for only a few months) In my dream, I was a small second grader with wispy black hair and a very slender frame. I was eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich that my mother had packed for me in my Sesame Street lunchbox when suddenly, Terry Anderson, a very pudgy fifth grader and school bully approached the table in the corner, isolated from the rest of the student body. I just knew he was going to do something to make my life even more miserable. (What can I say? My parents were going through a divorce)
Then, in a feeble attempt to defend myself, I put on my best sneer and snarled, "Go away, Pig-boy." (Pig-boy was my personal nickname for him) He just grinned at this, very amused by my weak insult and immediately grabbed my head and thrust it against the back of the chair. Pain surged through my head as I felt my eyes water and my small ears throbbing from the echoing of Terry's evil cackle. When I came to a few nanoseconds later, there was this strange voice in my head (or so it seemed) that whispered "Get scissors." Somehow, my developing mind interpreted this sentence to mean that I should get revenge, so I slowly toddled down to the art room and grabbed a pair of scissors when the teacher wasn't looking. I made it back to the cafeteria without anybody seeing me possessing them and then spotted Terry and his stupid chums sitting in my spot. I'm sure that you can guess what happened next, no? Yes, I raced up to him and jammed the scissors at his face at the exact same time the lunchroom teacher grasped my arm. My mother was called, a meeting was held and they signed me up for psychology sessions which I hated.
The doctor bombarded me with questions and seemed to think I was a real head case when I tried to tell him that I honestly didn't know what had come over me. However, he won in the end and I ended up taking medicine that didn't work because I was perfectly normal after the incident.
Why do I bring this up? Well, I've been getting that angry feeling once again. I don't know why, I haven't talked to my mother about it because I don't want a psychologist trying to make a big deal out of it.
September 20th
Dear Diary,
Sorry that I haven't written for a few days, but something terrible happened at school. It was after lunch and everyone was heading back to class when two teachers rushed through the hall carrying a beaten up student by the arms. Many tried to follow them, but the remaining teachers herded them into their classes, except for me. The victim looked like Jim, so I decided to head down to the nurse's office to investigate.
It turned out that it was him and that the culprit and he got suspended.
Here's the story he told me on the phone after school:
He was sitting by himself drawing trees and flowers while sitting on the big hill behind the school when he felt something wet hit the back of his neck. He turned and saw a member of our school's track team (we'll call him Josh) grinning and holding a straw. It was a spitball! His girlfriend, one of the "Glamour Girls" (I think her name is Tessa) sat beside him and burst into a fit of giggles.
Now, James is usually a pacifist, but this time he couldn't take this sitting down, so he stood up and walked right over to Josh. He slowly raised his foot to kick him in the mouth, but Josh leaped on him and managed to punch his nose and harshly scratch both of his shoulders before James actually gave him a swift kick in the mouth.
I couldn't believe it: Josh seemed like a quiet kid and never seemed to be mean to anybody. In fact, we don't really have a resident "bully" at our school, unless you count the glamour girls, but everyone just ignores their smart ass remarks. Oh sure, there's cliques of Punks, Goths, what have you and there's the occasional bad mouthing among those groups, but we don't really have a resident Mr. or Mrs. Popularity.
September 25th
Have you ever fantasized about doing something wrong, like murdering someone? I have ever since I went to see this amazing movie called "Henry: Portrait of a Serial killer" with Jim and Phlegm. It's about this murderer in Chicago who lives with his friend Otis and his sister. He eventually gets his friend to participate in his murders. The movie was actually released last year, but a small theatre here in town is still playing it. We all thought it was a good movie, not because of Henry murdering people, but because of the characters. However, and I know this sounds crazy, I can't help but be interested in what would happen if I killed a person.. anyone. I suppose Josh would be a good start: I could just see myself throwing him to the ground, kicking him and slashing his face with a knife
Fuck, I told you I've been having that voice in my head again. I wanna get it out, but at the same time, I don't want it to leave.