A/n: the lyric used here belongs to the Violent Femmes.

How can I explain personal pain?- The Violent Femmes

October 1st

You're probably wondering why it's been so long. Well, my mother found my diary.

She didn't mean to, she just happened upon it and saw the part where I thought of murdering Josh. We had a long talk about this; I was extremely stubborn at first , but then I told her how I had been feeling for the past month; sometimes I had been feeling manic while at other times I had felt rational and calm. It was as if I had a multiple personality disorder, in fact, I swear that voices were speaking to me in my head; different voices. One was angry, amoral, and depressing while the other was somewhat pessimistic, but also a voice of reason. Mind you, these voices appeared in my dreams unlike the usual schizophrenics you've heard about. My mother was stunned of course, yet she had this strange ability to keep calm. She told me to sit on the couch while she went to the kitchen to call the school. The principal, Mrs. Brunswick, said that she hadn't seen me in her office or anything and then asked if Mother had found anything in my diary that resembled a "hit list". Mother only replied that I had contemplated the idea of killing Josh. By then, the conversation was only white noise to my eardrums; I could slowly feel my sanity slip away, drop by drop.

10:30 P.M.

So, I've been out of school for a week and I've returned to the same psychologist that I had at age seven and you know what? It's not so bad, well, at least the waiting room portion isn't and I'll tell you why. There's this slender, pale girl with long black hair (you know, one of those goth types) that has appointments there too. She seems rather antisocial and only smiled at me once, but god, is she beautiful, even if she seems to be a year younger than me.

October 2nd

7:00 P.M.

Guess what, diary? I finally got the nerve to talk to that girl! Her name is Raven and she actually goes to my school. She's a sophomore. We talked for a few minutes, but she seems rather…aloof. I don't know, I'll try to look for her whenever I get back to school.

October 3rd

11:30 A.M.

Yes! She agreed to meet me at the 24/7 and get a brainfreezy! YESS!

3:30 P.M.

Our outing went well. It turns out she was quiet at the psychologists because she was nervous which is understandable. Anyway, we told each other stories about getting in trouble and getting picked on. I did tell her that story about me at age seven and the scissors. She told me about when she was in eighth grade, she came to school wearing a shirt that read: Atheist, amoral and proud of it! The best part was when a Christian girl read it and burst into tears! She explained that she didn't know that someone would be offended, but got detention anyway! I couldn't believe it. God, I love Raven, I really do. I hope that if we both overcome our problems, we can get married and get away from this damn city. I fucking hate L.A. I wanna go with her to New York City or London. We could get jobs as abstract artists or something. She did tell me she liked Andy Warhol.

October 6th

My mother let Raven come over to our house today. I showed her my paintings that I've done and she really liked them. We then both listened to The Ramones and then The Cure while we talked.

Oh, and she also gave me a cd of a composer named Bach, she said it was her favorite musician ever. I'm listening to it right now, it's really good

After she left, my mom and I talked about how I feel about her. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Raven is a nice girl, isn't she?

Me: (smiling dreamily) Yeah, she sure is.

Mom: Johnny, I think you're in love with her

Me: What's wrong with that?

Mom: Well, she just might not feel the same way about you?

Me: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, I'm sure she likes you?

Me: Yeah, she does, mom, she really does.

Mom: Okay, but she may not be in love with you. Do you understand?

Me: I think so, but what should I do?

Mom: Just try to like her as a friend for now, okay? See where I goes.

I think that's good advice, but I don't know if I can get over my strong feelings which makes me worried: What if she does have a boyfriend? What then? What if my violent thoughts kick in and- no! I can't let that happen!