No ownership of the Hogan's Heroes characters is implied or inferred. Copyright belongs to others and no infringement is intended.

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"Schultz, I have a problem."

The guard snorted. "We all have problems, Colonel Hogan," he answered. "My problem right now is that these boots are too narrow for my feet."

"Did you ever think that your feet might be too wide for your boots?"

"Don't be a Mister Know-It-All," Schultz replied.

Hogan bit his bottom lip. "Never mind. Schultz, I don't want to rat on a fellow prisoner, but if I don't, someone could get hurt, you know what I mean?"

"Rat? There are rats around here?" The Sergeant looked around him, suddenly more alert than he ever was when guarding the prisoners. "Where? I hope they do not head for the kitchen."

"Never, Schultz—rats have a great survival instinct." Hogan let out a short, loud breath. "What I mean is I don't want to tattletale, but it's my responsibility to look after my men, and I take that job very seriously."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Corporal Newkirk."

Schultz twitched his moustache. "Hmf. The Englander, he is always in for some kind of trouble."

"Oh, no, Schultz; Newkirk is a good soldier. It's just that I think he's going a little wire- happy and he's going to try to escape."

Schultz shook his head. "Oh, that is naughty," he said. "Where is he now?"

"I don't know, Schultz. But I bet you he's gonna try to get out of here when Captain Lehmann leaves. He might even get into his car."

At this the guard laughed. "Into his car. Newkirk would not fit into the trunk!"

"Desperate men will try anything, Schultz. In the back seat, then! Don't underestimate Newkirk."

Again the Sergeant laughed. "What does he think he is: a suitcase?" he chuckled, enunciating every syllable. Hogan didn't give up. "All right, Colonel Hogan, I will watch for him. And, I will check the Captain's car."

"You didn't hear it from me, Schultz," Hogan warned him. "I don't want Newkirk to get hurt, but I don't want him to think I'm selling him out, either."

"Your secret is safe with me. You will not 'rat' with him."

"On him, Schultz. On. Look, that's the Captain's car over there, isn't it?"

Schultz looked over toward the Kommandant's office. "Ja, that is it."

"Go on, Schultz; go check it out."

The pair was heading toward the car when the door to the Kommandantur opened, and both Klink and Lehmann stepped out onto the porch, with Lehmann toting a valise and a briefcase. "But I assure you, Captain Lehmann, that I do not give the prisoners any special gifts!" Klink looked out into the compound and saw his Sergeant of the Guard and Colonel Hogan approaching. "You can ask Hogan yourself—I am not very nice to the prisoners, am I, Hogan?" he asked, almost frantic for the American's agreement.

Hogan shrugged. "Oh, I don't know about that," he retorted. "A couple of months ago, you let us have a piece of white bread that didn't have any mold on it!" Hogan looked at Lehmann. "We were all pretty grateful for that, especially the men who have latrine detail. Things can get pretty grim around here, depending on how long it is between deliveries from Supply."

"Hogan." Klink said the word like a swear through his teeth. Hogan raised his eyebrows innocently.

"I will be leaving now, Kommandant Klink," Lehmann said tightly. "See that you keep a better hold on your supplies." He looked at Schultz. "Sergeant, take my bag and put it in the car."

"Jawohl, Herr Captain!"

Hogan shot a knowing look at Schultz, whose face showed a split second of panic. Then the guard took the suitcase and opened the trunk. To his immense relief, there was no one hiding inside. He looked at Hogan and smiled broadly. Hogan shrugged his shoulders in a "Well, how should I know?" gesture, and turned back to observe Klink and Lehmann.

"I will be filing my official report today, Colonel Klink. Someone will contact you next week to discuss further action."

"Awfully glad you're going to keep in touch," Hogan put in cheerfully. "Don't be a stranger now!"

Klink glared at the senior prisoner of war. "Hogan," he seethed.

Hogan just smiled and watched as Schultz took the briefcase from the Captain. "Put that in the back seat, Sergeant," Lehmann said.

Schultz accepted the order and opened the door to the car. He was about to put in the briefcase when he saw something on the floor. "Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant!" he cried. He reached inside the car as Klink and Lehmann came closer, with Hogan trailing right behind them. "Oh, this is naughty. Very, very naughty!" the guard scolded as he pulled out a cringing, cowering Corporal Newkirk.

"Oh, why'd you have to go and do that, Schultzie?" Newkirk complained as Klink started to puff and splutter. "I could have been free as a bird if you'd just kept your ruddy mouth shut."

"Corporal Newkirk, what are you doing in Captain Lehmann's car?" Klink managed to ask.

"Well, sir, I was trying to escape, if you must know," the Englishman replied. "I figured if the Captain was going out anyway, he might as well give me a lift—saves on petrol, and all that. War rationing, you know."

"Insolence!" Klink replied.

"Besides," Newkirk said as he struggled a little against Schultz's grip on his arm, "it's not like he wasn't taking anything else out with him anyway."

"What do you mean by that?" Klink asked.

"Yes, Newkirk, what do you mean by that?" Hogan asked, finally moving in.

Newkirk gestured behind him into the back seat. "Well, I mean, take a look for yourself! Look at all the booty he's got. I wouldn't have taken up nearly as much space, really!"

The Germans and Hogan looked into the car. Klink gasped, Schultz "tut"ted, and Lehman spluttered. Hogan just crossed his arms across his chest and shook his head. "What are those things doing in there?" the Captain demanded.

"Nice try, Captain. Now I know why you were so thorough when you went through the barracks!" Hogan announced.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Hogan asked.

"It is?" Klink asked, amazed.

"Of course it is!" Hogan replied. "Captain Lehmann was taking advantage of his position as auditor to collect all the little things that he'd like to have for himself!"

"That is a lie!" Lehmann exclaimed.

"Of course, he'd make sure to take a few things from the prisoners that weren't important to him—tin cups, old plates, things like that," Hogan continued, undeterred. "But when he finished, he'd pick and choose the best of the best and then drive off with it until he got to the next prison camp and started all over again!"

"Diabolical!" Klink breathed.

"I have never heard such a thing!" Lehmann spluttered.

"Neither have I," Hogan agreed, shaking his head. "It's shocking behavior, just shocking."

"There is nothing in this camp that I would want—and even if I did, I would never take anything!"

"Oh, really?" Hogan looked back toward the car, where Newkirk was pulling a box out of the back seat. He handed it to Schultz, who was looking on, and started pulling objects out of it. Hogan made a face of disappointment. "And I suppose this little box of goodies just walked into your car under its own power?"

"That's my wine!" Klink practically yelped, as he snatched the bottle out of Newkirk's hand.

"Your finest wine," Hogan amended.

"My finest wine!" Klink confirmed in horror, looking at the label. He turned on the Captain. "Captain Lehmann, you will leave this camp at once. I will send a report of my own to Berlin, and you can be certain it will include all the details of your activities here at Stalag 13."

"Kommandant Klink, this is preposterous! These men are making a fool of you!" Lehmann protested.

"Don't try and pull the wool over Colonel Klink's eyes," Hogan suggested pointedly. "He knows you had access to every part of camp. No one else had that."

Klink looked over to where Newkirk was still pulling items out of the box—a silver snuff box, some candles… a coffee pot! Did Lehmann stop at nothing? "Now it is you who will wait for someone to contact you, Captain." Triumphant at last, he added, "And we will see what action has to be taken then." With a snort, he added, "Diiiss-miiiiissed."

Klink turned on his heel and headed back toward his office. "Schultz!" he called. The guard looked up from the bundle of items in his arms. "See to it that Captain Lehmann is escorted out of camp, and then come to my office with Colonel Hogan and Corporal Newkirk."

"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!"

Klink turned away, then suddenly did a double take. "And make sure you bring everything the Captain stole." And he briskly went back up the stairs to his office.

"Tough luck, Captain," Hogan said, shaking his head. "I guess crime doesn't pay, even in war time."

"You will pay for this, Colonel Hogan. I will not forget you!" Lehmann said venomously, as he stepped into his car and Schultz closed the door after him.

"No thanks necessary, Captain," Hogan replied as Newkirk came to stand beside him. He let his cane slip from his hands and tumbled forward, only to be caught by Newkirk. Then he slowly rose up and smiled at the Englishman, before turning a satisfied smile on Lehmann. "I was just doing my job."