A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.
xThis Is Drive Shaftx
A tall skinny man with a bad haircut and pointy shoes gets on the tour bus, followed by a heavy set Latino woman holding a broom and a suitcase. They are greeted warmly by Drive Shaft and Murdoc's crew.
"Who's this?" Murdoc asks.
"This is our manager, Ted Tallis," Liam explains. "He's been with us through thick and thin."
"Yes. Hi," Ted waves awkwardly at the camera crew.
"And… I don't know who that is," Liam says, indicating the woman.
"Ah, yes," Ted says. "I heard you all were having a problem with the interior of the bus, so I hired Ms. Valencia Velasquez to spruce it up a bit."
Valencia waves at everyone.
"One other thing," Ted clears his throat. "She doesn't speak a word of English. Does anyone here know Spanish?"
"I took Spanish class in high school," Jeremy says. "But I only know the alphabet; I dropped out after a week."
"Great! You'll do!"
Jeremy awkwardly walks over to Valencia and says, "Uh, Buenos Dias, senora."
He bites his fingernails for a second and then awkwardly takes her hand and leads her around the bus.
"Uh, Liam," Murdoc says. "I wanted you to explain the cities we're stopping at in the tour, and how you chose them."
"Sure," Liam says, a little bit confused. He walks over to a map up on the wall. "We chose the cities in the tour by blindfolding ourselves and throwing darts at the map."
He points at an orange dart. "This one landed on Romania," he explains. "Sinjin threw it. We just spent three days there, and we're heading to Finland next, because for some reason, we're really popular there."
He points at a yellow dart. "This is the States, thrown by yours truly. After a week in Finland, we're going to Boston. I don't know why Boston, of all places, but, there you go."
Liam holds up a bandaged hand.
"Patrick's dart…. well, let's just say it went astray."
Liam walks to the far end of the map. A blue dart has landed in the Pacific Ocean, not far from Fiji.
"Charlie threw this one," he sighs. "Pathetic."
"All those arguments about touring and not touring and all that…" Sinjin says, walking to the map. "It's obvious we belong on tour, you know."
"I couldn't agree more," Ted says. "All that stuff about you being too stupid and too white but…"
"But what about the album, Ted?"
"That's the real problem," Liam interjects. "There's no way to promote something that doesn't exist."
"It's a very unimportant reason," Ted answers stiffly. "It's just that they're experimenting with, with some new, uh… packaging materials."
"What kind of experimenting?" Sinjin asks. "What, they got monkeys opening it?"
"Oh, there's uh… the other thing is that, uh… The Boston gig is cancelled."
"What?" Charlie exclaims.
"I wouldn't worry about it, though," Ian says. "It's not a big college town."
(Execs' Party)
Liam is sitting on a couch in the living room surrounded by ten people. A southern man approaches Liam.
"I heard you boys got an album out."
"Yeah, it should be out by now, it's called 'Sniff the Mitten'… yeah, yeah."
"Sniff the mitten?" a girl asks. "It's a stupid title."
"Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover… Very stupid indeed."
Ted is walking across the room to a record exec by the name of Art Vandelay.
"Art, Art, do you mind if I tear you away from all this?"
"Do you have a drink? Is everything okay?"
"No, I don't, I don't really need one. But, uh, listen. I really do have to talk to you about this, uh, this…"
"What?"
"We feel, well, uh… It seems to be facts that the company is rather down on the cover. Is that the case?"
"Yes."
"You can give it to me straight, you know."
"Listen. They, uh, they just don't like the cover."
"Well, that is certainly straight."
"They find it very offensive and very stupid."
"Well, what exactly… Do you find offensive, I mean, what's offensive?"
"Ian, you put an elderly woman dressed as a Saint Bernard…"
"Yes…"
"On all fours…"
"Yes…"
"With a dog collar around her neck…"
"With a dog collar around her neck…"
"And a leash…"
"And a leash…"
"And a dead child on the floor with her arm extended and the woman is sniffing the mitten. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that horrible?"
"Honestly, Art, with all these heavy metal bands out there, this is tulips and daisies."
"No, it is not. Do you have any idea how many people you're insulting?"
"Well, you're lucky you can't see the kid's face, the band wanted it to be a nuclear blast victim, or something."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"And a circus in the background."
Art stares at Ted darkly.
"What? It was their idea."
"I don't care. Listen. I don't think it matters what's on the cover if it sells or not. I mean, think of the "White Album". There was nothing on the goddamn cover."
Art's cell phone starts ringing.
"Sorry, man. I have to take this. We'll talk later."
For some reason, Ted sounds delighted.
"Okies! Buh-bye!"
A/N: …You know the drill. This story has no plot, but it has an ending, and we're far from it. Next chapter: Murdoc interviews the band as individuals, and some old feuds come back to haunt the band.