A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.
xThis Is Drive Shaftx
(Helsinki, Finland)
Murdoc is following Ted to the bus.
"Are you going to tell them about the cover?" she asks.
"No, I am not telling them about the cover," Ted said. "If you were a doctor and your patient had cancer, you wouldn't tell them!"
"Well, what happens when the band finds out?"
"Listen. The band's not going to find out. Because you're not going to tell them," he points at Murdoc threateningly.
"Well, of course not. I want the cameras to catch their reaction when they realize it for themselves."
"Don't be stupid. They're too thick to realize for themselves. They still haven't realized that the covers for the other albums are just close-ups of household items. Like bananas."
They drop the conversation and board the bus. Patrick's asleep on an orange bean bag, Sinjin is tuning a guitar, and Liam and Charlie are standing by the bar, laughing and joking.
"I still think she should join the band," Liam is saying. "We can always use someone to play the harmonica, or something."
"Who're you guys talking about?" Murdoc asks slyly.
"The maid," Liam answers. Murdoc's smile fades. "By the way, you haven't seen her, have you?"
"No, I haven't," Murdoc answers coldly.
"Pity," Liam says, not noticing Murdoc's tone. He looks over at Charlie, who is grabbing for a cookie on a tray, and slaps his hand.
"Don't eat that," Liam snaps.
"Ouch!" Charlie cries, cradling his perfectly unharmed hand. "Why'd you do that?"
"I told you already. You're fat."
"What?" Jeremy asks incredulously.
"Look," Liam says, turning Charlie to face all of them. "Charlie, open your mouth."
Charlie pouts and opens his mouth slightly.
"No, wider, Charlie. Open it more, Charlie. Like you're going to sing. No, like you're going to yawn. There!"
Liam points to a small layer of excess skin under Charlie's chin.
"Double chin! See? He IS fat!"
(Individual Interviews: Charlie)
"Don't worry, Charlie. We don't think your fat," Jeremy says reassuringly.
"Of course not," Murdoc says, turning around and rooting around in a bag. "In fact, we even made you a pie."
She offers him a partially squished but still perfectly presentable peach pie.
"Thanks," Charlie mutters, inspecting the pie. "Is this peach? I usually have blueberry…"
"You're not going to eat that!" Liam's voice calls from far in the background.
Charlie gives an evil glare in Liam's direction, than puts his hand in the pie and starts shoving it in his mouth.
"Whoa," Jeremy says. "Uh, don't listen to your brother. You look fine."
"Yeah. And besides, no one's perfect," Murdoc says, gesturing towards Jeremy. "Jeremy's never on time."
Jeremy gives Murdoc a cold stare, which she ignores. He leans over toward Charlie, grabs a handful of pie, and crams it into his mouth.
"And Murdoc's arrogant," he says, crumbs spewing from his mouth.
(Interview with Art and Bobbi Vandelay)
Art is sitting behind a desk and a woman is sitting next to him. This woman is wearing all black, from the color of her hair to the elegant dress she's wearing, despite the shabbiness of the office they're in.
"Hi, I'm Art Vandelay, and this is my wife, Bobbi Vandelay."
"Ex-wife," she corrects him.
"Yes, well, we started Rhythm Records in 1993, and we divorced in '95. I got a life of loneliness and misery, and Bobbi got my house, my car, and half of the company."
"So…. how did you come across Drive Shaft?" Murdoc asks from off camera.
"We heard that this great band was playing gigs all over the UK, so we jumped at the opportunity to represent them," Bobbi explains.
"And what did you like about Drive Shaft?"
"Their image," Bobbi answers immediately. "We loved the fact that the lead singer was so skinny and reckless."
"But… what about their music?"
"Eh," Bobbi shrugs.
"The chemistry of the band was great," Art says.
"So you liked the Pace brothers' chemistry?"
"Oh, no," Bobbi says, disgusted. "We loved Liam's attitude, but we felt that Charlie was too…. brotherly."
There was a moment of stony silence.
"We were thinking of killing him off."
(Individual Interviews: Liam)
"Hello, Liam," Murdoc smiles at Liam. Liam ignores her and lights a cigarette.
"Liam, why don't you tell us what you think you mean to the band?"
Liam tilts his head thoughtfully. In the light, he resembles some sort of chimp. The sideburns give him a fuzzy look, and his head resembles a monkey's….
"Well, I sing. And I'm Charlie's older brother, which means I overrule him. And I overrule everyone, because I'm the singer. I guess you can say I'm the leader of the band."
"But… you don't write the music," Murdoc says, somewhat annoyed.
"Of course not," Liam snaps back. "I have slaves to do that."
"Charlie?"
"Well, duh, he's been a slave from the get-go."
(Individual Interviews: Patrick)
Jeremy is interviewing Patrick alone. They are just sitting across from each other, staring into space.
"Hey, Jeremy?" Patrick asks suddenly.
"What, Pat?"
"Have you ever been to Alaska?"
"No."
"Do you know what they wear chuckles.
(Individual Interviews: Charlie)
Murdoc and Jeremy are sitting across from Charlie, who has empty pie tins all around him.
"Why don't you tell us something about the band?"
"Like what?"
"Like any funny stories, how you guys met."
Charlie tilts his head thoughtfully. In the light, he resembles some sort of chimp. His large ears and stubbly beard resembles some sort of gorilla…
"Oh, here's a funny one…"
(Individual Interviews: Sinjin)
Murdoc is interviewing Sinjin on her own. She watches Sinjin put some drops in his eyes, and then hastily put his sunglasses back on.
"Why'd you do that?" she asks curiously.
"Well," he says, rubbing his eyes and bumping the shades off again. "It's not a funny story…"
(Individual Interviews: Liam)
"Oh, this is hysterical," Liam says, taking a drag from his fag. "I was sixteen, and we had just welcomed Sinjin into the band."
(Sinjin)
"And Charlie had read this stupid article about how David Bowie had got two different colored eyes."
(Charlie)
"I never knew he got them from a school fight," Charlie said excitedly. "So I thought-"
(Liam)
"'We should DO this! I mean-"
(Sinjin)
"-it was an absolutely STUPID idea…"
(Charlie)
"So we all drew straws. Well, with the exception of Liam, who thought that-"
(Liam)
"I can't get beaten up! I'm the lead singer! I HAVE to look good!"
(Charlie)
"So we all drew straws-"
(Sinjin)
"And I lost, and everyone ganged up on me-"
(Liam)
"We totally beat the crap out of him-"
(Patrick)
"Macadamia!"
"Galoshes!"
"Gazebo!"
(Liam)
"I mean, he practically went blind, but we did it."
(Charlie)
"I still wonder whether bashing his face in with that bin of toxic waste was a good idea…"
(Sinjin)
"My eyes glow in the dark!"
(Liam)
"Like a cat…"
(Charlie)
"I mean, they're three colors sometimes…"
(Liam)
"And if he doesn't cry six times a day his eyes will fall out…"
(Sinjin)
Sinjin is holding his head and his shoulders are shaking.
"Sinjin… Are you crying?"
"No," he says. "My tear ducts are just leaking again."
He looks up. Blood is running down his face from under his sunglasses. Murdoc stares openmouthed in horror.
(Liam)
Liam sighs deeply and a cloud of smoke comes from his mouth.
"Good times… good times…"
A voice from a speaker above interrupts the interview.
"Um, attention, all passengers. We have a, uh, small emergency on the bus. Our maid, Valencia, is somewhere missing on the, um, bus premises. Everyone should be on the look out," Meat Loaf's voice comes from the intercom.
"What?" Charlie screams. "She's gone! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Ted comes out of the bathroom, toilet paper stuck to one of his shiny boots.
"What the bloody hell is going on here?"
"Ted!" Charlie exclaims, flaying his arms around. "Valencia's missing!"
"What?"
"I said, Val-"
"Shut up, that was a rhetorical question!"
"Well, what are we going to do, Ted?" Patrick asks.
"I… don't….know!" Ted says dramatically, staring at the camera.
Meat Loaf's voice comes over the P.A. system:
"Dah-dah- DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
A/N: I finally realized what I can call this little project. It's like…. a "reality sitcom". So there is no plot required. Just a lot of people to watch it or it'll get cancelled. Next chapter: Before the band goes to the States, they perform one last show in Finland, and things go haywire. …Oh, and Charlie shows off the ELEVEN amp.