Wars
War is a terrible thing. It should never be glorified, because war is not glory, it is horror. Yet war is sometimes necessary. No matter how many lives are lost, it is better to die fighting than to lie down to the enemy and let them walk all over you. I remember the first war as if was yesterday and already I am in the midst of another one. I was lucky enough to live through the first one; chances are I will not live through this one as well, and maybe I do not want to.
As I think back on my life I remember it in segments. First was my young childhood which I barely remember now, then my Hogwarts years, which were probably the best years of my life. Next was the first war, the time in-between and now. The funny thing is most of these times I can distinguish what happen, particular events, landmarks in my life, but in between the two wars, I barely remember anything.
Maybe I was in a haze, or I had so many good memories to fill my head already or I just did not want to remember them. The latter is probably the truest. That time was horrible, easily the worst time of my entire being. Everything was harder, meaner, everything just stung more. I know why, even though I do not wish to remember it. It was the first time in my life I was ever truly, completely alone.
Everyone celebrated after Lord Voldemort's fall sixteen years ago. I did not celebrate. The war was over yes, but the pain, the lose; the memories were still very alive. In fact I hated the end of the war because of the cost it took on others lives…on my life. The war ended with the death of my best friends. The ends of Lily and James and Peter and Sirius. And no matter how terrible the war was, I would rather be back in it with my friends alive with nameless and faceless people being murdered, than the war dead with my only friends and to have peace at last.
The day James dies, the day Lily died, the day Peter 'died', and the day Sirius died ever so recently, a bit of me died to. I am surprised I am still alive, because half the time I only feel like an empty shell and the times I do feel, it hurts so much…
Chances are I will not live to see the end of this war too. As I said earlier, maybe I do not want to. I do not know if I could live again after losing so many people I love and care about. I would rather die fighting than live with the memories of those who did. It is a dark day indeed when I would rather die than live, but I hate it. I hate this feeling of emptiness that stabs my heart at every other thought or memory. I hate not being able to laugh or smile with honesty. I hate the gaping hole on the inside where James used to be, where Sirius used to be, where Peter used to be, where Lily used to be, where my parents used to be, where the marauders used to be, where laughter, hope, love, friendship used to be. I just despise having all the hindsight of my life and the lives of my friends knowing that I did not, I was not, able to stop the evil that destroyed each and every one of their lives.
I have no foresight and I feel so lost and sad and cold. I truthfully have no clue where I am going or what is going to happen. I only live one day at a time now. I remember a time when life seemed so happy and care free and everything would be fine because I had my friends at my side all the way. I never imagined one day they would all be gone. I never imagined one day I would be all alone…