A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.
xThis Is Drive Shaftx
(Vaasa, Finland)
A police car is outside the tour bus. Inside the bus, Sinjin is standing by the bar, stirring a cup of coffee and staring ahead. Liam is talking to an attractive female officer, and Charlie is sitting on the large red couch, looking miserable. Ted is being interrogated by an officer, Meat Loaf standing right behind him.
"Did you find her? Do you have any idea where she might be?" Ted asks earnestly.
"No clue," the mustached officer says. "And we have absolutely no leads at all. This is quite strange, really. We've never had anyone get lost in their own house, and it's even more peculiar in a bus."
A young officer walks over to the mustached man and whispers something in his ear.
"What? Have you found her?" Ted asks anxiously.
"No," the officer says seriously. "It has come to our attention that this bus has no emergency exits. Is this true?"
Ted turns to Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf looks confused.
"What? But I could've sworn one was here when I got the bus…"
"So the bus is yours, then?" the officer asks.
"Yes, but there is an exit somewhere on the bus, I know there is. It's just…"
"Well, we have searched this bus extensively and have found no trace of a maid or an emergency exit," the officer says. "So, we have reason to believe that this is all just a hoax to get your pitiful band some publicity. But, having an emergency exit is the law, and I'm afraid you have broken it."
The man scribbles something on a notepad, rips out the page, and hands it to Meat Loaf.
"See you in Finnish court."
He tips his hat at Ted and Meat Loaf, barks an order to the other two officers in Finnish, and they follow him out the bus.
"What was that?" Ted asks incredulously.
"I don't know," Sinjin says, ripping the paper out of Meat Loaf's hand. "But we sure as hell aren't pitiful."
He then takes a bite out of the paper, chews it, and swallows loudly.
"I agree," Liam says. "Meat Loaf, let's get out of here."
"But what about Valencia?" Charlie moans.
"I've got an idea!" Patrick screams, startling everyone. "The policeman said that the exits on the bus were missing, and Meat Loaf said he knew they were there-"
"Actually, I was bluffing," Meat Loaf interrupts.
Everyone stares at him.
"What? I know the Finnish law better than anyone!"
More staring silence.
"But I'm definitely sure we've got emergency exits. …Somewhere."
"Well," Patrick says, a crazed look in his eye, "if we find the emergency exits, we might find Valencia!"
Everyone seems to be thinking about this.
"You know, Patrick?" Liam says. "The next time you have a thought, let it go."
"Wait, wait, wait," Jeremy says. "I think he may be on to something."
Several of the crew members nod and mutter in agreement. Everyone else is staring at Liam apprehensively.
"Oh, all right," Liam sighs. "But… How long can someone last without food or water?" he asks Murdoc.
"Uh, a week, I think."
"All right. You've got a week."
(Backstage)
Murdoc and Charlie are in a room filled with guitars.
"Do you play all…? I mean, do you play all of these?" Murdoc asks.
"Well, I play them and I cherish them."
"Uh huh."
"This, this is the top of the heap right here," Charlie picks up a guitar. "There's no question about it. Look at the…look at the flame on this one."
"Yes."
"I mean, it's just…quite unbelievable. This one is just, just perfect… 1979…it's just, you can, you know… Listen!"
"How much does this-"
"Just listen for a minute…"
"I'm not…"
"The sustain… just listen…"
"I'm not hearing anything."
"You would, though, if it were playing. Because it's really… famous for it's sustain. I mean, you could just hold it…"
"So you don't…?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaa," Charlie sings softly. "You could go and have a bite and…. Aaaaaaaa… You could still be hearing that one. Could you hold this for a sec?"
"Sure," answers a very confused Murdoc.
"This one," he points at another guitar. "Is a custom three-pickup- Paul. This is my radio…unit."
"Oh, I see."
"So I strap this… this piece on, you know," he fiddles with strap. "Right down here when I'm on stage and…"
"It's a wireless," Murdoc observes.
"Wireless. Exactly. And…I can play without all that mucky muck."
"You can run anywhere on stage with that."
"Exactly."
He walks over to yet another guitar, this one with the price tag still on.
"Now, this is special, too. See? It's even got the tag still on it. Never even been played."
"So, you just bought it and…" Murdoc reaches for the guitar.
"Don't touch it!" Charlie squeals. "Don't touch it! No one…no one can… Don't touch it."
"I wasn't going to touch it. I was just… I was just pointing."
"Well, don't point."
"Don't even point?"
"No. It can't be played. Never."
"Can I look at it?"
"No," Charlie says, stepping in front of the guitar. "You've seen enough of that one."
"Don't look at it," Murdoc mutters to herself.
"Then there's this," Charlie says, walking to a selection of amps in a corner, tapping the side of the one closest to him. "We use this one on stage. It's very special, because if you can see… All the numbers got to eleven. See? Right across the board."
"I see."
"Eleven…eleven…eleven."
"And most of these amps go up to ten."
"Exactly."
"Does that mean… it's louder?"
"Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here…all the way up…"
"Yeah…"
"All the way up… You're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?"
"I don't know…."
"Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra…push over the cliff… You know what we do?"
"Put it up to eleven."
"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."
"Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top…number…and make that be the loudest?"
Charlie takes a minute to soak this in. He taps the amp again.
"But these go to eleven."
(Later That Day, Tour Bus)
"And then she said, 'Why don't you just make ten the loudest?', or something like that, and I was like, 'But this is an eleven', and she doesn't appreciate at all what-"
Charlie is still confused and somewhat angered by the incident earlier. So he complains to his brother.
"Yeah, yeah, Charlie, I'll talk to you later…"
"I got it!" Patrick screams suddenly, coming out of nowhere.
"Where the hell did you come from?" Liam yells.
"Never mind that," Patrick says hastily. "I've finally discovered where Valencia is!"
"You have?" Charlie asks earnestly. "Well, where is she?"
"She's in a parallel universe," Patrick grins broadly. "And the door to that universe is the missing emergency exit!"
"You're an idiot," Liam snaps, advancing toward Patrick.
"Wait, wait! It's true!" Patrick cowers, shielding his eyes. "I've even got a professional opinion!"
"What? From who?"
The bus door opens and someone walks in slowly.
"From me."
-To be continued…-
A/N: Stay tuned for the next chappie, when a lot of weird stuff goes on in the rescue of Valencia. Till then… review?