A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.
xThis Is Drive Shaftx
(Vaasa, Finland)
A small, stout woman looks up at the members of Drive Shaft and the camera crew. There is a moment of stony silence, to be broken by the high pitched scream of Charlie.
"You!" he points an accusing finger at the small woman. "You're the Poltergeist lady!"
Murdoc steps on the bus.
"Hey, guys, what's going- Holy crap, it's the Poltergeist lady!"
"I have a name, you know," the high-pitched voice says crossly.
"Whatever, Poltergeist lady," Murdoc says, walking past the lady.
"Guys, this is Zelda. She's going to help us find Valencia."
"Not her!" Charlie screams.
"Shut up!" Liam hisses.
"No! She scared me more than any of the monsters! She… she's the devil! She's the one that awaits you in the fires of Hell! Liam! Even you said so!"
Liam grimaces, then smiles.
"Charlie, dear brother, you must have been mistaken. I never would have said anything of the sort…"
"Yes, you did! You said she would bring the apocalypse! You said-"
"SHUT UP, YOU SON OF A-"
(0ne hour later)
"I don't like this…."
"Oh, don't stand next to me, you big baby…"
"But, Liam…"
"Charlie, get you ass over here."
The bus is dark, and the beams of seven flashlights are lighting the bus in all directions. Charlie is cowering next to Meat Loaf, who looks annoyed and is flashlightless. This is because Charlie is clutching two, and looks as if he's prepared to strike at anything that moves.
Sinjin and Liam are in front of Charlie. Liam has his hood up and keeps turning around to frighten Charlie by illuminating his already gaunt face and saying things in a vicious and foreign tongue. Sinjin also has his hood up, but his flashlight is hung loosely at his side and he keeps wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
In front of Sinjin and Liam are Jeremy and Murdoc. Murdoc has her arms crossed and keeps whispering to Jeremy.
"Jeremy, stop touching my arm!"
"S-s-sorry," Jeremy stammers.
"Jer, are you stuttering?"
"Y-yes."
"Why? Afraid?" Murdoc leers.
"No. Liam t-took my jacket. It's fl-flippin' c-cold."
"Oh."
Murdoc's arm brushes Jeremy's.
Leading the group is Zelda and Patrick. Patrick keeps flashing his light at random areas and saying, "There?"
"No," Zelda says for the twenty second time. "I feel something… Coming from there."
Everyone looks at where she's pointing, upstairs.
"Why would someone put the emergency exit up there?" Jeremy asks.
"Those Spice Girls were out of their minds," Meat Loaf says.
The response to this is various nods and mutters of agreement.
The group follows Zelda up the stairs and all squeeze together in front of the locked door.
"Here," Zelda says, "I sense a very powerful aura. Tell me, what lies beyond this door?"
"No one knows," Liam answers. "That door's been locked since we got here."
"Oh, that door?" Meat Loaf says. "I've had the key for it in my pocket."
He pulls out a key from his shirt pocket.
"You've had that all this time?" Charlie asked. "And you've never told us?"
"Well, you've never asked."
"Never mind that!" Zelda snaps. Her tone changes dramatically. "Give me the key."
"Fine," Meat Loaf tosses her the key.
She puts the key in the lock and slowly turns the knob. Everyone gasps as a white light starts to shine from behind the door. The door is shut immediately and locked, and the gasp turns into a disappointed "awww".
"Why'd you do that?" Patrick asks.
"To make sure whether it was a parallel universe or not," Zelda answers.
"It obviously is, didn't you see the light?" Liam says, rolling his eyes.
"Well, someone could've left their refrigerator open."
"WHAT?"
"Hey, I've seen it happen before," Zelda shrugs.
"Well, what are we going to do?" Charlie asks hesitantly.
"We need to decide who's going in there."
Everyone looks around nervously.
"Should we… draw straws?" Jeremy asks.
"No," Zelda says, examining the door. "It needs to be someone skinny… and it would help if he's tall, too."
Murdoc takes a step backward, and so does Charlie, Patrick, Meat Loaf, and Sinjin. Jeremy, who fits the description perfectly, is dragged back by Murdoc.
"Well, I'm so glad we have a volunteer," Zelda grins.
Liam looks around at his peers, who are all a good two feet behind him.
"You people SUCK!"
(Fifteen Minutes Later)
Charlie is adjusting the rope around Liam's waist. He looks significantly paler than usual, and there is a hint of nervousness in his voice.
"So… What am I supposed to be doing again?"
"It's simple, really," Zelda explains. "All you have to do is go through there and find Valencia, and… bring her back."
"Gee, that's informative," Liam says.
"Well, how am I supposed to know?" Zelda snaps. "I've never done it."
"Hold on," Charlie says. "You mean you don't know what's in there?"
"Has anyone ever done this before? Am I going to die?" Liam says, very scared now.
"Kenny, are we rolling?" Murdoc whispers to the camera crew.
"Don't worry," Zelda says. "I've seen people do this fifty times, they always come out alive."
"Fifty isn't really a big number," Charlie says uncertainly.
"Well, I don't come by enchanted emergency exits very often!" Zelda spits. "Liam, you're going to go in there, do whatever, and come out! Now, I'm not sure where exactly you're going to come out, so everyone be on the lookout!"
She advances on Liam and he gives out a high pitched squeal.
"Wait!" Meat Loaf says. "Hold on! Shouldn't we go over the tugs?"
"The what?"
"The tugs. You know, if you're in trouble, you tug on the rope a certain number of times, and we pull you back."
"Alright. Liam, tug three times if you can't go any farther and need to be brought back. Tug once if you've found Valencia. If you run into any 'trouble', tug five times really fast," Zelda says all this rapidly.
"Wait, I don't-"
He's shoved through the door and disappears. Everyone grabs hold of the rope. Five minutes pass…ten… Twenty minutes after Liam embarked on his journey, everyone is now sitting on chairs, the rope spread on everyone's lap. Everyone except for Meat Loaf, who has the rope tied around one of his hands. Murdoc is holding a notebook.
"No comprendo," she reads.
"No comprendo," everyone repeats.
"Repita por favor," she reads.
"Repita-"
There is a large tug and everyone grabs the rope as Meat Loaf jerks forward.
"I forgot what one tug meant!" Murdoc wails.
"Whoever pulled it, it was too strong to be Liam!" Charlie says.
Everyone pulls the rope and it looks like a ridiculous game of Tug-O-War. The rope will slip out of their hands every few seconds and they'll have to grab it again. Charlie is so engrossed in this that he completely ignores someone tapping his shoulder.
"Oh, what now, Pat-"
He lets go of the rope in surprise. Valencia is staring at him, a concerned look on her face.
"Valencia?"
She starts speaking Spanish and frantically waving her arms. Charlie grabs her shoulders and starts shaking her.
"Valencia, where's Liam? WHERE IS HE!"
She points down the stairs and beckons them to follow. Charlie follows, and Murdoc, telling the others to keep holding on, beckons the cameras to follow her down the stairs too.
Downstairs they find quite a strange sight. Liam still has the rope around his waist, but it is now coming from the solid ceiling.
"Tell them to-"
"PULL!" Meat Loaf yells from the second floor.
Liam is pulled upward, and his body smacks the ceiling with a loud thud.
"Stop… Let go…"
"PULL!"
This time, Liam's head hits the ceiling and his body goes rigid.
"LET GO!" Valencia cries.
Liam is dropped and falls the six feet like a sack of potatoes. Murdoc stares at Valencia.
"You… you speak English?"
"Well, I guess I do now," Valencia says. "That paranormal universe must have had some weird effect on me so that now I speak English."
"So… we can talk to you now?"
"Que?"
"Liam!"
Charlie stumbles and falls down the stairs, then crawls over to his brother.
"Charlie, is he alright?" Jeremy asks.
"Check his pulse!" Sinjin says.
Charlie listens intently to Liam's wrist.
"I'm not hearing anything!"
Amidst all the chaos, Ted boards the bus, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sun tan lotion on his nose.
"Are you ready for- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"
Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at Ted nervously.
"Well?"
Patrick slaps Liam's face.
A/N: ….I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Tune in for next chapter, where the band has to get out of another ridiculous situation, only this time in the U.S. of A!