A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(In Tour Bus, Where We Last Left Off. Duh!)

Everyone except Murdoc and Liam are surrounded by the table, playing cards. No one's seemed to notice that Murdoc's been in the bathroom for almost an hour, and that the shower has been turned back on.

(In bathroom)

Murdoc is sitting on top of the toilet, and seems to be chain smoking. She tosses another cigarette butt in the sink, which is already filled with six.

"How's my head?" Liam asks, his soaked head coming out of the shower curtain.

"Mmm," Murdoc observes, still smoking. "I think you've got a bump coming on. What happened?"

"Oh, damn gallon shampoo bottles," Liam says, placing the gallon on the floor. "Fell off the rack and on my bloody head. Can I have one of those?"

Murdoc gives Liam the cigarette she just lit. Liam resumes his shower, and we wonder, how the hell can he still be smoking?

"Are you almost done? You know, we have to leave for Montpelier in a few hours."

"Yeah, I'm coming out," Liam answers, turning off the water.

Murdoc walks towards the door. She turns around and looks at Liam. When she does, she looks quite surprised.

"What?" Liam asks, shaking his wet hair.

"Liam, you're…"

Liam looks confused.

"What?"

He looks down, and he is wearing a shirt and jeans, the exact thing he was wearing when he went into the bathroom in the first place, except now his clothes are now positively soaked.

"You… You shower in your clothes?" Murdoc asks in disbelief.

"Yep. Always have. Hey, where're you going?"

(Driving to Montpelier, VT from Plymouth, MA)

Murdoc is sitting on the bench next to Meat Loaf. The radio is playing ("Layla") and she is just staring out the window. Dean comes out from behind the curtain. He sits on the floor next to her.

"Murdoc?" he asks.

Murdoc continues looking out the window, ignoring him.

"Murdoc, I'm sorry."

No response.

"It's…It's just a weird and complicated story. I thought you wouldn't believe me. Maybe you'd think I was weird or something."

He looks up at Murdoc, who continues looking out the window. He sighs, and starts to get up.

"I always knew you were weird, Dean," Murdoc says. "Besides, weird and complicated stories are your specialty."

"Don't have as much now. Not since I stopped drinking," he smiles.

"Well, I'm proud of you. Gandalf, I remember how you used to get slammed. You know, they say some alcoholics replace their obsession with liquor with something else."

Dean laughs.

"Did you do that?"

"I guess you could say that."

"Really? What'd you replace it with?"

Dean clears his throat awkwardly.

"Um… Dancing?"

(A Few Hours Later)

Murdoc and Dean are upstairs, sitting on the couch that was placed in front of the "door".

"…and I'm helping him become a citizen, and his parents are loaded, and he's already paid me sixty grand up front."

"Don't you think that's a little wrong?" Murdoc asks. "Marrying a guy just for the money?"

Dean takes a drag from his cigarette.

"Nope."

Murdoc sighs and looks up at the ceiling.

"Gandalf, Dean. I always knew you were a bit of a fruit loop, but to actually go off and do this. I've got to hand it to you."

"Well… You know, he's…he's meeting up with us. He's going to be in town. I want you to meet him."

Murdoc laughs nervously.

"I don't know about that. You know how I am about meeting new people."

"Don't worry, he's really great. And besides," he takes another drag from the cigarette. "You kind of have to."

"What?"

"You have to meet him," Dean says shortly. "He's financing your movie."

Murdoc stares at Dean. He avoids her eyes. She opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by Patrick's monkey screech. Murdoc and Dean both look over the banister of the stairs, and see Patrick running around with a BATTLESHIP game, causing pieces to fly everywhere. Charlie is chasing him, screaming, "No fair! I sunk your battleship! I sunk your battleship!"

Patrick continues screeching hides behind the bar and starts throwing game pieces at Charlie.

"Guess I have to break this up," Murdoc says, pulling a banana out of her pocket and walking down the steps. Dean watches her.

"Hey, what do you mean, 'fruit loop'?" he calls after her.

(Montpelier, VT)

The sun is going down and a man is smoking in a motel parking lot. He is pretty decent looking, if you're into those weird shady looking guys that mutter to themselves at the train station. He's wearing a shirt that resembles one of those "I HEART NERDS" shirts, but the R and S is missing, so it just says, "I HEART NED". The man sees the bus approaching and drops the cigarette on the ground. He tries to clear his throat, but it just makes him start coughing. The bus pulls into the parking lot, and Drive Shaft, Dean, Murdoc, and Jeremy all get off. Everyone ignores the man, who is now on the ground hacking his lungs out. The band starts taking their bags out of the side of the bus, and everyone pretty much has just one suitcase or a backpack and walks off with it. Liam reaches in and takes out a very small suitcase, the size of a wallet. He unzips it and pulls out a cigarette.

"Hmm." Liam opens the suitcase more, and sees that it's empty. He zips it back up, shakes it, and then peers inside it again, as if this would make his smokes magically appear. When it doesn't, he pockets the pocket sized bag and walks toward the motel, not before calling out to Charlie, who is the only one left getting his bags, "Bro, could you bring the bags with all my black shirts inside with you? Thanks."

Charlie looks up from zipping his own backpack. There are four giant suitcases left in the bus, all filled with Liam's shirts. He sighs and pulls one out with him. Jeremy grabs another and follows him. Murdoc notices the man on the floor, laughs, and nudges Dean. Dean starts laughing. The man stops coughing, rolls over on his back, picks up the cigarette and starts smoking again. Dean walks over to him.

"Oen? What the hell are you doing?"

Oen slowly gets to his feet and takes a drag.

"D-Dropped my smokes," he says. He looks at Murdoc. "Is this the one?" he asks.

"Yeah, she's the one making the movie," Dean answers.

Murdoc looks at the cameramen with a confused look on her face.

"Why were you guys out here with him? And… how did you get off the bus and get here before us?"

The camera is turned down for a second, showing Ken's sneakers shuffling uncomfortably.

"Um… I don't…know."

(The next day, at shopping mall)

Drive Shaft is having a fan signing at a local shopping mall. Each member is at his own table. Liam's table is surrounded by girls, and he has two blondes sitting on his lap. All the girls are laughing at whatever joke he's telling. Next to him is Charlie's table. There is a considerably less number of girls here, and they're all standing around the table, talking to each other and glancing at Liam's table. Charlie has his head resting on his hand, and he is doodling on a piece of paper. Patrick's table is next, and here is evidently where all of the girls' mothers are. He has a mother on his lap, and another mother is ruffling his hair, laughing. After this is a large plant, and then Sinjin's table. No one is here. Sinjin has his feet up on the table, and is reading a book. Jeremy is also nearby, walking around eating an ice cream cone. He comes across a vending machine, and takes out his wallet. He frowns when he comes across a paper clip. He bangs his head on the machine.

(At diner)

Murdoc, Oen, and Dean are sitting at a booth in a local diner.

"So… How did you two…meet?" Murdoc asks.

Oen and Dean look at each other uncomfortably.

"Well…" Dean starts.

"Um…"

"Friends. Introduced us," Dean says quickly.

"Yeah," Oen nods.

Murdoc stares at them both. They smile weakly back.

"Oen," she says. "Dean said you come from an, um, rich family. What is it that your parents do, exactly?"

"They own a cruise business. And my father designs ships."

"And that brings a lot of money into the family?"

"Well, sure. In Europe, cruises are just like those Hilton Hotels."

"Well, it's not like you're exactly a Hilton, right, Oen?" she smirks.

Oen and Dean laugh, but there's some nervousness detected in their laughs.

"There's one thing I've been wondering about," Murdoc says. "When and why did you decide to get married?"

"I wanted to become a citizen," Oen said. "If I stayed here after a certain amount of time, I'd be sent back to Ireland. And I didn't want to take any tests or anything."

"So you decided to get married? To Dean?"

"Well, yeah," Oen says. "I wasn't going to start dating and ask someone to marry me. I've only got three months. I asked Dean."

"Yes, because only Dean is cheap enough to get married for sixty thousand dollars."

"Well, I offered him a whole lot more," Oen says.

"Yeah, well, after sixty grand I feel like a whore," Dean says.

They all laugh.

"Why don't you want to go back to Ireland?" Murdoc asks.

"Oh, my parents sort of disown me," Oen answers.

"Yet they keep sending you money?"

"Well, I've had a lot saved up," Oen says. "And, I earn some cash here and there."

"Doing what?"

Oen looks at her, an annoyed expression on his face. Dean, sensing the tension between the two, calls for the waiter.

(At mall)

Charlie is looking at Liam's table and sighs. He turns to the camera crew.

"I'm not jealous. I'm really not. I mean, it's been like this since as long as I can remember."

At Liam's table, Liam is joking loudly.

"Now, my brother, he's a great guy. I have to watch him, you know, cuz he's still my baby brother. Want to set a good example."

One of the girl sticks a cigarette in his mouth. Another lights it.

"Thanks, girls," Liam winks. "And Patrick, there. Look at him! He's adorable! He's got that boyish charm that girls just love."

Behind Liam, the water fountain is visible. Jeremy is slowly climbing into it, looking for spare change. He looks up and squeals, and is tackled by security guards. At Sinjin's table, he looks up from his book, shrugs, and notices the camera crew.

"John Irving," he says, waving the book. "I've got his entire collection on the bus."

(At diner)

The camera crew is poking into the men's bathroom. Oen's reflection can be seen in the mirror. He is leaning over something on the sink. We see his reflection stand straight again, rubbing his nostrils vigorously and blinking rapidly.

(At motel, later that night)

Everyone is just sitting around in the small room. Patrick, Murdoc, and Jeremy are on the floor, watching TV. Sinjin is reading his John Irving book on the small armchair. Liam is pacing around, counting some money. Charlie is listening to his walkman and wrapping tape around his fingers. Dean and Oen are in the bathroom, and no one finds this suspicious at all.

"Sixty," Liam says. "I reckon that's enough for some smokes and booze. C'mon, guys. Charlie. Sinjin. Let's go."

Sinjin reluctantly gets up. Charlie takes off his headphones and follows them outside, still wrapping tape. Liam opens the door and let the others pass.

"And Patrick," he says. "Don't do anything stupid."

Patrick makes no sign that he has heard Liam.

"Pat?"

Patrick is transfixed on SpongeBob blowing bubbles on the screen.

"Well, bye then."

(A/N: …I was hoping someone would comment on the excessive smoking issue in this story, so I went a little overboard in this one. Also added some other things… I think I'll write one more chapter, but then I'll have to divide my time with the new Diaries and Drive Shaft, the Diaries taking more time than this one. But that doesn't mean this story is over. If anything, it's only begun.)