A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Somewhere on the streets in Columbus, Ohio)

"I look stupid, don't I?" Liam asks.

Charlie looks at his brother. The glasses he's wearing are identical to those of Austin Powers and Velma from Scooby Doo. He looks pretty decent with glasses and looks very smart.

"You look fine," Charlie answers.

"No, I don't," Liam says, starting to take them off. Charlie stops him.

"You look, fine, mate. Seriously," he says. He peers behind Liam. "Uh oh. Fan girls, two o'clock."

Liam glances at his watch and turns around. Sure enough, two teenage girls wearing Drive Shaft shirts are walking toward them. Luckily, they don't seem to have noticed that Liam and Charlie are just yards away from them. Liam squints at them through his glasses.

"I didn't realize our fans were so young," he says.

"Well, yeah. I know all our groupies are older, but have you ever actually looked into the crowd? It's just a bunch of teens," Charlie says.

"It's always looked like a bunch of blurs."

"They're coming this way, act casual," Charlie says.

Liam and Charlie both strike a pose. Charlie's pose looks like a Matrix move. Liam's is a tree. The two girls stop and stare.

"OMG! Are you Charlie from Drive Shaft?" one of the girls squeals, showing off her braces.

"Yes," Charlie says hesitantly.

"Your brother is so hot," the other girl says.

Liam, who is still posing as a tree, laughs.

"Who are you?" Braceface asks.

"OMG, is this your boyfriend? Gee, I heard online that you were gay, but I didn't really believe it!"

The two girls giggle.

"He's pretty tall to be your boyfriend."

"As tall as Liam."

"Yeah, why is your brother so tall and you're so short? Are you adopted?"

"I bet you are."

"You boyfriend's hot though. Almost as hot as Liam, if Liam wore glasses."

"I AM Liam, you stupid betches," Liam says, taking off his glasses. The girls gasp in unison and stare at Liam in fright and awe.

"You look really hot in those glasses," Braceface winks.

"Apologize to Charlie," Liam demands.

"Why? We were just telling the truth."

"Do as I say, or I'll take you both into that alley and have sex with you."

Both girls remain silent. Charlie sighs.

"Alright. If you don't say you're sorry, I'll have Charlie have sex with you."

"Sorry, Charlie!" The two girls say and run off.

Charlie watches them run down the street, then turns and stares at his brother in astonishment. He punches his shoulder.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Well, it made them leave, didn't it?"

(Back on the bus)

Patrick is sleeping on the couch. Across from him, Sinjin is sitting in a pile of letters. Jeremy walks in.

"Did someone get kidnapped?" Jeremy says, referring to the letters.

"No," Sinjin sighs. "This is our fan mail."

"Wow. That's a lot of fan mail."

"Hmph. You should see how much Coldplay gets," Sinjin mutters.

"What?"

"Um, could you help me with this? You know, read them, write back, and all?"

"I guess…" Jeremy sat down on the floor next to Sinjin. He pulled one out from under him. "This is all your fan mail?"

"The band's," Sinjin says. "Mostly Liam. Some Patrick and Charlie."

"What about you?"

"I don't get mail."

Jeremy stares at Sinjin. Sinjin tries to avoid his eyes, and starts reading a letter. Jeremy begins to read the one he picked up.

Dear Liam,

I love you! I wrote this poem for you. I hope you like it. ;)

L is for licking, my tongue on your-

Jeremy's expression changes from mild interest to downright disgust.

"Let me guess," Sinjin says, seeing the expression on Jeremy's face. "Letter for Liam? Poem? Very detailed and graphic?"

"Yeah," Jeremy answers.

"That'd be Ashleigh."

"Ashleigh?"

"Yeah, she writes a letter like that every week," he says, pulling a cardboard box out from behind the couch. "Put it in here. We'll burn it after we're done with all the others."

(Wherever Liam and Charlie are…)

Liam and Charlie are walking down the street sipping Big Gulps. As they walk, Charlie keeps looking over his shoulder.

"What?" Liam asks. "Got tics or something?"

"No," Charlie says, looking over his shoulder again. "It's not that…"

"Is it your 'friends'?" Liam says, whispering and looking around. "Are they here now?"

"I think we're being followed," Charlie says.

"Followed? Is it those girls again? 'Cause I wasn't kidding when I said-"

"No. It's some weird guy."

"A guy? Where?"

"Don't look for him!" Charlie snaps. "He'll know we know he's following us!"

"Well, you kept turning around every five bloody seconds…"

"Never mind! He's not there anymore."

Liam sighs, and they both continue walking. Well, they would if there wasn't a creepy guy in a trench coat standing directly in front of them. Liam and Charlie both freeze.

"That's the guy!" Charlie whispers loudly and unnecessarily.

The man begins to pull something out of his jacket… Charlie and Liam both yell.

(Back on bus)

Dear driveSHAFT,

I LOVE YOU GUYS! Liam is SO hot. Sinjin in SO talented. Patrick is SO funny!

I heard Charlie was illiterate.

LOVE,
Cora

Dear DRIVESHAUFT,

You guys rock! I go to all your shows. You sound a whole lot better recorded than you do live.

Keep up the good work!

-Topher

Dear SUCK Shaft,

Your band SUCKS. I hate you. Liam has no singing talent at all. Your songs suck. Charlie can't write a song for shit. In fact, the only two in the band that have the most talent never get the recognition.

SINJIN AND PATRICK ROCK MY SOCKS!

-Johnny

P.S.: I heard Charlie was gay.

(Where we last left Charlie and Liam…)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Run!" Liam yelled, and he and Charlie start running down the street. The man in the coat starts to walk behind them. Since Liam is an avid smoker and Charlie has short legs, they're running very slow. So, even when he's walking, the man in the coat is at least ten feet behind them at all times.

"In here!" Liam and Charlie shuffle across the street into a wooded area, flaying their arms around. Coat Man follows them calmly. Liam and Charlie run through the forest, and it looks just like a scene from the Blair Witch project. In fact…

"I'm so scared!" Charlie says, his face in front of the camera. The figure of Liam hacking his lungs out can be seen just over his shoulder. "Do you see him? he asks Liam.

"No," Liam says, looking around.

"Let's keep walking," Charlie says, "in case he's still after us."

Liam groans but leads the way through the trees. After a few minutes, they find themselves in a clearing, looking around. They are hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"Guys…" Charlie says. "Where are we?"

There's a load snap from the trees behind them.

(Back on bus)

There's a Bunsen burner on the table. Sinjin is burning one letter at a time. He's smoking a cigarette and there's a half empty bottle of whiskey in between him and Jeremy.

"Should we be doing this in here?" Jeremy asks, taking a swig.

"Probably not," Sinjin answers. "In fact, definitely not."

They both watch the letters burn. Jeremy grins, and takes out a cigarette.

"I used to do this all the time in high school," he says, tilting his head to the side and lighting it to the burner. "Nearly singed my eyebrows off in chemistry."

(Forest)

Charlie and Liam are running for their lives (more like jogging) aimlessly in the forest. They keep looking over their shoulders for Coat Man. He's nowhere in sight, but they continue running and making weird noises. All of a sudden, they come across a Starbucks in the middle of the forest. They run inside, not questioning its purpose for being there at all. They sit at a small table and pant and gasp for breath.

"My heart's racing," Liam coughs. "What about you, baby brother?"

Charlie has his wrist to his ear.

"I can't hear anything!" he says.

Liam rolls his eyes and looks at the prices over the counter.

"Twelve dollars for a bottle of water?" he says. "Where are we?"

"Liam…" Charlie says, nudging his brother and nodding to the door.

Coat Man is standing in the doorway. Not noticing Liam and Charlie, he walks to the counter.

"Hey, Livien!" a perky girl behind the counter greets him. "The usual?"

"Sure, Tatum," Livien says, cringing at her optimism. Looking around the café, he spots Liam and Charlie. "And two waters," he says.

"What do you want?" Charlie says. "Why are you following us?"

"I just wanted to ask you for something," he said, reaching into his jacket. Liam backed up into a table, Charlie crouched behind a chair.

"Could I have your autograph?" he asked, pulling out a pen and a Drive Shaft poster.

"Oh…" Liam says, looking at his brother and giving him an evil eye. "Sure, yeah."

Liam signs the poster and punches Charlie in the arm when he scribbles his name, causing a big line across Patrick's face on the poster.

"Sorry about that," Charlie mutters.

"Sorry about that other thing, too…" Liam said. "You see, I think my baby brother here was convinced you were trying to kill us or something."

"Oh, no problem," Livien says. "Happens all the time. I really should stop wearing this jacket."

He reached in his jacket again. Charlie hugged his brother tightly.

"Get off!" Liam snapped, shoving the idiot off him. Livien was holding four dolls that resemble Powerpuff Girls. Except they're boys and are nowhere near as pleasant looking.

"You want us to sign the dolls?" Liam asked.

"No, the dolls are for you. My niece made them."

Liam takes the dolls and looks at the one with a black shirt and fuzzy brown monkey hair.

"They're supposed to be you guys," Livien says.

Charlie looks at his doll. It has nappy blonde hair and large ears. It appeared to be eating a guitar pick.

"What's wrong with mine?" he asks, but Liam cuts him off.

"These are great," he says. "Your niece makes these? Why?"

"I don't really know. But she's got one of almost every celebrity out there."

"Tell her we said thanks," Liam says, now studying the other ones. Charlie is looking at his doll, a disappointed look on his face.

"Stop that," Liam says when he sees Charlie banging the head of his doll on the table.

(On bus)

The box filled with the weird sex letters is on fire. Sinjin and Jeremy are standing over it, giggling and drinking. Jeremy keeps spilling his beer in the fire. This is an extremely stupid idea, and ashes keep shooting out of the box. An ash lands on Sinjin's sleeve, and suddenly the entire bus is filled with the white stuff from fire extinguishers. Patrick is standing in front of the bathroom door, posed with a fire extinguisher. Jeremy and Sinjin look at him, puzzled and shocked. Charlie and Liam walk in, and they stop and look around.

"And this is the bus. As you can see, nothing suspicious or illegal is taking place…" Murdoc says as she boards the bus. Dean is behind her and so is a plump man wearing a tie and round glasses. Dean looks at the bus amazed, and the man has already started scribbling furiously on a notepad. Murdoc doesn't even look around. One glance tells her everything.

"Shit."

A/N: That was that chapter. Yeah. I don't know when the next one will show up, or what will be in it, but I guarantee that it will deal with Drive Shaft and very weird predicaments that are hilariously funny. …Well, see ya.