As he ascended, Joey's heavy footfalls echoed off the solid iron steps. They were far sturdier than then the cheaply covered linoleum steps that led up to his apartment. He had made this trek several hundred times over this past year and a half, so many times in fact that he half-way expected a pathway to be worn into the metal stairs.
He couldn't explain why he felt compelled to make this journey up to the roof - sometimes two or three times in one day. It wasn't as if he came up to the roof to run away. There was no escape from the pain. Around every corner there was a reminder of the happiness that had been so rudely and abruptly ripped away.
Sometimes he came up here to be alone with his thoughts. Up here he sat in the utter silence, away from the honking horns and bustle of the city life, away from all the reminders of Chandler, asking for the strength to get through one more day.
The funny thing was his days blended together now. There was no line to delineate them. He got up, went to work, came home, wallowed in his grief, went to bed, and got up and did it all over again. It was as if her were going on automatic. And he knew he wasn't the only one. Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica - they all merely existed without Chandler to fill up the void in their lives.
Joey hadn't prayed in quite awhile, but since Chandler had been taken from them he became desperate. He bargained, he pleaded, but his prayers would never be answered. They couldn't be. That was impossible save for a miraculous turning back of the clock. And Joey didn't believe in miracles anymore.
The bright sun assaulted Joey's face causing him to squint and hold his arm up to shield him from the light. He stepped over to the edge and peered over. People were streaming up and down the block, going about their business as if the world hadn't collapsed around them like Joey's world had.
Part of him wanted to keep going right over that ledge, but deep inside he believed that wasn't the solution. It was the easy way out. Chandler hadn't shied away from his lot in life. He had lived every second and fought for his life until the very end. And ending it like that would be like spitting in Chandler's face. Joey couldn't insult his best friend's memory like that. So all he could do was drift through his life, bearing the pain of Chandler's memory on his shoulders day after day..
It hurt when he expected Chandler to come walking through the door at the end of the day, but of course he never did. Sometimes Joey would see a man walking down the street with a similar build and similar clothing, and for a second his heart would fill up with hope, only to have the rug ripped right out from under him.
Joey would never see Chandler's face again. There would be no more hugs, no more jokes, no more fights - just an emptiness where he used to be. The weight of that knowledge nearly doubled him over on days like this.
His thoughts never turned away from Chandler and the life he left behind for long, but something so innocuous had sparked his latest retreat into his grief. It was a beautiful day and he had chosen to stroll through the park, maybe even hit the zoo.
As he crossed over the bridge, Joey saw a young father pushing a stroller with his one arm while the other arm was wrapped securely around his wife. It hit Joey like a ton of bricks. Chandler could never have that. He would never take his children and his wife for a walk in the park. He would never play with them or watch them grow up. There were too many nevers.
It was all the nevers that Joey couldn't take. He held an internal conversation with God, asking him 'why Chandler? Why not me?' Chandler had a family to support, but Joey only had to worry about himself. Where was the sense in taking someone like that. Those were impossible questions with no answers, but he would be remiss if he didn't ask them.
Days like today, he felt as if his heart had shattered into a million tiny little pieces and was piercing his chest repeatedly. The pangs stole his breath and he had to sit down to reclaim his bearings.
Joey toed the asphalt. It had crumbled under his repeated scuffing and kicking. He sighed and collapsed back against the raggedy back of the old chair, gazing out into the blue sky.
He ran his thumb around the edge of the black, rectangular object he held in his hand. The wallet had belonged to Chandler. Joey found it when he was helping Monica go through his things. She insisted that he keep it, and up until now he hadn't had the courage to look inside at its contents.
The wallet unfolded easily from countless uses. There was money still in it, and he kept it where it was to return to Monica later. His eyes roamed over to a laminated card that displayed Chandler's picture on it. It took him a moment to register that it was a driver's license. He didn't even know Chandler knew how to drive. Upon further inspection, Joey realized that the permit had been kept up to date.
He was amazed. There were things about his friend that he had yet to discover, but he would never be given the chance to. They had run out of time. Joey's mood darkened even further, and he almost considered halting his foray through Chandler's possessions, but he pressed on. He had been putting this off for some time, and besides, he had already gone through his things in the apartment. But a man's wallet was more ... personal somehow.
There were receipts and credit cards, typical inhabitants of an everyday wallet. The old, unused condom caused him to smile. Chandler was always prepared, but it was usually Joey who 'got the girl'. True to his character, he rarely let on that it bothered him, and even cooked Joey's conquests breakfast in the morning.
It was only Kathy, who had almost come between them, that Chandler fell for. Joey had forgiven him only because he began to understand the loneliness that Chandler felt each time Joey brought home a girl and he was left with nothing. His friend's love was not something to be given freely, but once you had it, it was yours for a lifetime. And Joey never toyed with Chandler's loyalty. That was why he had let him run after Kathy. He regretted ever questioning Chandler's intentions.
And then, when he fell for Monica, it was a beautiful sight. Things were perfect. Joey missed the closeness the two of them had shared, but Chandler was so happy that he couldn't begrudge him that.
The two were almost inseparable for well over a decade, and what he shared with Chandler, he would never have with another human being. All these thoughts ran through Joey's head as he removed items one by one. The last item was wedged in a compartment. Joey wiggled it free and smiled when he saw what it was.
The picture in the wallet was the same one Joey had in his apartment – the one he had carried all the way back from California with him. The two of them looked so jovial and at ease with one another, arms slung haphazardly around each other's shoulders. They were both laughing, presumably at something Chandler had said. Chandler had always made him laugh. He always had a joke ready.
The picture being kept in the wallet spoke volumes to Joey. It was something he had known subconsciously for quite awhile, but his heart needed reminding from time to time - Chandler had valued his friendship just as much as Joey had valued Chandler's. He felt closer to his best friend than he had in a long time.
Joey stared at the picture with a sense of longing. "I wish you were here Chandler. I guess that goes without saying."Joey held the picture up to the light. "I miss this. You know, the two of us just goofing off. Those were some of the best times of my life, even if you had to stop and explain stuff to me.
"I know I was kinda dumb sometimes, but you never treated me like I was stupid. Thank you for that. Sometimes I don't know how you put up with me. I was always eating your food, and you supported me for most of the time we lived together. You never complained. You never held it over my head.
"I think about the past a lot. But I think about the future even more. If you had lived long enough, would you and Monica have gotten your miracle baby? What would you have named him or her." Joey laughed to himself. "You know if I had anything to say about it, the name would've been Joey."
Joey rose and went over to the railing once again. He leaned against it. "I know you all don't see that I think about the future, but I do. Ironically, even more that you're gone. I think about what we would be doing if you were here. Would I still be in California? Probably not. It was killing me to be away from the people I loved, including you.
"I had friends out there, but it just wasn't the same. No one can replace you. And you and me and Ross - forget about it. We were tight man. Ross and I are still friends of course, but things just aren't quite right since you left. We're all just ... going through the motions I guess.
"I've never lost someone I've been so close to before. I'm not sure how to act, how to feel. All I know is that I hurt so bad, and I don't know how to stop it. They say the hurt goes away, that time heals all wounds, but you know what - it doesn't. Every morning I wake up I lose you all over again, and I am just as crushed as the moment you took your last breath.
"I am so grateful that I got to share the last moments of your life with you. But every night I see it in my dreams and I wake up in a cold sweat. See Chandler, I haven't just lost you once. I've lost you the 563 days you've been gone.
"That's right, I've been counting. Not much else to do these days, except cry. I know you'd hate this, but the five of us, we're not as close as we used to be. It's too painful I guess. When we all get together there's like this empty space on the couch that we all keep staring at like we're waiting for something.
"I know that it shouldn't be that way, and I promise I will really try to get everyone back to normal. Maybe that's what I came up here for - to find out how to make a life without you. I hate that thought, and a big piece of my heart will always belong to your memory."
Joey stared at the photo some more. He smiled down at it. "I love the idea of heaven. It's brought me great hope to think that you are in a place where you are completely at peace and free from all the pain of this world. You know what my idea of heaven is? I walk in and there you are Chandler, greeting me at the gate and making some sarcastic comment about how I finally died."
Joey slid the picture back in the wallet and gingerly placed the wallet in his coat pocket. "Yep, that's my idea of heaven - to see you again." Joey leaned over with his head between his knees and sobbed. "But for right now all I can do is miss you, Chandler and wonder about what could have been."
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could ever take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it mind sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could ever take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Today, today, today
Today, today, today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again some day
Someday, someday