AN: I'd like to say before I go any further with this story a little in my aunt's defense. She is my favorite adult and an older version of me, which is very weird, considering the fact I see her about once a year. She's a very successful person, having gone to college in Spain, become a well known salsa dancer and a psychology professor at a college. This is a huge exaggeration of her, and I'd appreciate it if no one called her "the crazy bitch from Sotto's story"… Heck, I didn't even use her real name for this!
Sorry that I wasted time with this, but I really didn't want to go any further without explaining myself. Also, she threatened to send me to hell if I didn't:)
> > >
"I hope you're happy you… you… HELL RUINERS!" Dr. Amy Schneider looked on the verge of tears. "For ten years hell hasn't failed once! BUT YOU ALL HAD TO INTERRUPT! DIDN'T YOU?" At this point, she actually started sobbing, making everyone in the room (with the exclusion of Trapper, who was comforting her in hopes of getting a date and Father Mulcahy, who was kindly trying to ignore the fact that this woman was an advocate of hell) snigger behind a hand.
"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" She screamed. The crazy bitch leapt out of Trapper's arms and launched herself across the room, knocking over the priest and Radar in the process. She went into a cupboard, took out a five pound candy bar and proceeded to stuff her face with it. Even Trapper started sniggering.
"STOP LAUGHING! I'M A COMPULSIVE EATER! YOU DON'T LAUGH AT PAIN!" She took an unnaturally large bite of candy.
"Gee, ma'am. I'm really sorry! I didn't know! Maybe you oughta see a psychiatrist." Radar suggested, feeling genuinely guilty.
Unfortunately, his comment caused Hawkeye to burst into laughter. He laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face as he rolled around on the ground. This caused Amy to beat them both with Jerry the Stick's grandfather.
> > >
About an hour, many tears, much pain and one threat to sue Amy for assault, everyone was seated again. Radar and Hawkeye held icepacks on various places of their bodies. The former sniffled a little while the latter glowered in contempt. Neither had taken kindly to being beaten senseless with a stick.
"Alright, everyone! Now, since you have all destroyed hell, we're going to have to use a new punishment!" Amy, having eaten two five-pound candy bars and six cans of chocolate frosting, was all smiley and twinkley again. The members of the 4077 were thrilled. "The new punishment is having to write a one-hundred word essay on why whoever you wronged is better than you!"
Hawkeye bit back a question about what he would write if he wronged Frank. He wasn't too keen on Amy getting the stick out again.
"Now, we're going to restart with the Father, because the rest of you destroyed hell. Since he's an advocate of it, he was innocent in the whole matter."
"Actually, I'm an advocate of heaven. I try to keep people away from-" The priest and his chair disappeared from the story because Sotto got p'oed with his annoying voice.
"Go ahead, Major Burns!" Amy smiled, deciding to pretend that a priest hadn't just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Frank stood. "I'm Major Franklin Marion Burns. I'm proud to be a major in this man's army! I'm from Fort Wayne, Indiana. My problem is," He pointed menacingly at Hawkeye and Trapper, the former whistling innocently and the latter still ogling over Amy. "Those two."
"What's wrong with them, Frank?" The woman asked patronizingly.
"'WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM'? One of them is staring at you in inappropriate ways and the other you've already had to smack once and beat with a stick!"
"I SAID 'NO YELLING'!" Amy snapped, "I MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT I HAVE A HANGOVER AND DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YELLING! DAMMIT! YOU JUST MADE ME GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE!" She started eating a candy bar. "GO! WRITE THREE ESSAYS! ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR CAPTAIN PIERCE AND ONE FOR CAPTAIN MCINTYRE!"
"But I'm better than them." Frank pouted.
"WRITE!" Amy snarled, making Frank cower.
"Yes, ma'am." He took a paper and pen off her desk.
> > >
"Captain McIntyre is a better person than me because he is really really smart. He somehow managed to get everyone in camp twisted around his finger." Henry sat up and glared at Trapper upon hearing this sentence. "He also does save a lot of lives so some people might think he's a better doctor than me even though he isn't he's just a show off and it isn't fair that no one respects me and I'm all sad because my wife hates me and everyone hates me and everyone laughs at me and this is a really long sentence that really rambles and I'm still sad why don't you like me I'm a cool guy if you get to know me but no one does. That is why he's a better person than me."
"Erm… That was… Interesting…" Amy was finding it hard to resist the urge to scream 'Die illiterate bastard', but she suppressed it with another bite of candy. "Please continue."
"Dr. Amy Schneider is a better person than me because she is really nice. She really likes to help people, though I do help people but people have to help themselves so really she isn't helping people but she tries. She also is really pretty, but my mom says I'm really pretty too so I must be prettier than her, not that I want to be pretty only girls are pretty so why my mom calls me pretty I don't know but Dr. Amy Schneider still is really pretty. In conclusion, Dr. Amy Schneider is a better person than me even though she isn't I'm just saying that I have a thirty five thousand dollar house and too cars so I'm better than you all. Haha."
Amy smacked him for daring to call himself better than her. "Please continue with your last essay."
"Actually, I couldn't think of anything nice to say about him, so I just wrote a poem about how great the army is."
Hawkeye started mock sobbing, earning himself a bitch slap from the psychiatrist.
"Do read it, Frank." Amy smiled encouragingly.
"The army is really cool,
Too cool for school,
The army is really cool,
Enlisted drool,
The army is really cool."
Everyone in the room was silent after hearing Frank's poetry which was… Interesting, to say the least. The silence only lasted a second before everyone burst out laughing, except for Frank, who felt really dejected and Amy, who's lower eyelid was twitched as she stuffed her face with chocolate.
> > >
AN: Alright! Please excuse Frank's writing… It nearly killed me writing in such a manner. I think I've single-handedly destroyed poetry. To the reviewers:
Highmaintenance: Yay! I was worried that I was getting too stupid and that I would get flamed! My work is school, which just ended yesterday which explains my slap happiness!
Kooshball: This will go on for at least eight chapters… One for each of the MASH characters (excluding Father Mulcahy for obvious reasons) and one for the… Erm… Aftermath… Yes, my aunt is rather entertaining, isn't she! I actually live in Maryland… Yes, I did notice that we're always on at the same time… That's not that weird, actually, considering the fact that I hever get off!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Remember to leave another one!