For all those people who thought I was going to kill of Jude...c'mon! She's the man character. She's telling you her story. Couldn't do that if she's dead. So she doesn't die in this chapter...but pretty close. Anyways, this chapter was hard to write. I kept changing it over and over again. So i'm kind of stuck. If anyone has any ideas please let me know...because I could use some help...
Disclaimer: Yada Yada Yada...but i do own Ian.
Chapter 4: It Only Gets Worse
Tommy: Jude!
He yelled after me but we were already in Adams car and he was driving fast. I feared for my life. Not in the car, when we finally reached the house. I stepped out of the car and he pushed me on my head trying to get me into the house faster. Once the door was shut he grabbed me and pressed me against the wall. Then he started to kiss my neck forcefully and then my lips. This wasn't what I wanted.
Jude: Adam, what are you doing?
Adam: If you want to act like a whore, I'll treat like you one. Now, shut up!
I couldn't believe it. I was getting raped by my own fiancé. I couldn't scream. I lost my voice as he dragged me to the bedroom. He threw me on the bed and started to take off my shirt. I tried to stop him but he ripped it off and snapped my bra in half. I felt his hands roam all over me. I tried to push him off but he was too strong. His touch burned into my skin.
Adam led his own way to my pants and ripped the buttons off. He took them off of me and then my panties. The last thing I remember was him thrusting inside of me and I let out a scream of pain. I blacked out.
I felt dirty. I still remembered his filthy hands all over me. It wasn't supposed to happen to me. But it did, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was curled up in a corner as Adam came towards me again. He was throwing me around for about 10 minutes now. I couldn't move, and he had a knife in his hands. I didn't understand a word that was coming out of his mouth. All I knew was that I was going to die. What a wonderful way to die, huh? Killed by the man you love.
He picked my up by my neck and hung me against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I felt the blade slowly cut the top of my skin as I saw the blood trickle down on the wooden floor. That's when I heard the door slam open and he dropped me. I was so out of breath and I hit my head. My vision was becoming blurring. I heard Adam yelling, as he was getting dragged out of our house by some people in blue uniforms. Soon I saw someone coming towards me and crouching where I was lying. I could hear his voice. It was Tommy.
Tommy: Hold on, Jude, hold on.
The next thing I know I'm at the hospital with one those oxygen things connected to me. I had a cast on my arm, my legs were bandaged up and my head was also. When I woke up I saw a dozen white roses in a vase, my favorite flowers. When I tried to move my hand I couldn't. I looked down and there he was. Tommy, just sitting there with his hand over mine and his head on the bed, sleeping. I smiled and woke him up gently shaking him. He lifted his head and his eyes shot up.
Tommy: Jude, you're awake. You're okay, right? Does anything hurt?
Jude: Tommy, I'm wrapped up in bandages in a hospital room and you just ask me if anything hurts?
Tommy: Sorry. I just want to make sure that you're ok.
Jude: Thanks, I'm fine. The only thing that really hurts is my heart.
Tears started to form in my eyes but I quickly pushed them back.
Tommy put his hand over my stomach and I winced. He quickly pulled it back. I put a blanket over me and lifted up my hospital gown. There was a huge scar going across my stomach diagonally. It was where Adam had cut me. I took his hand and put it over my scar.
Jude: Feel that.
He slowly followed my scar down to my hip as I hissed.
Jude: That's not even near how much it hurts now. Why, Tommy? Why did he do that to me?
Tommy: I don't know Jude. I don't see how anyone could hurt you, or any other poor girl out there.
Jude: He said that he loved me. I thought that he only did it because he cared. Maybe he was just afraid of losing me and the it was my fault that he was mad. That I deserved everything he did to me. It sounds stupid now. How could I have ever been so stupid?
Tommy: You're not stupid. You're not the only one who's ever felt that way.
I just nodded and laid my head back on the pillow.
Tommy: Jude, before you left, you told me something.
I couldn't really remember anything that night. I didn't want to. So I had no idea what he was talking about. I turned my head to him and had a befuddled face on.
Jude: Okay, what did I say?
Tommy: You don't remember?
Jude: Don't remember much of last night. Don't want to.
Tommy: Well, you told me…something.
Jude: Yea, I'm pretty sure I got that through my head. What did I say?
Tommy: You told me…that you loved me.
Tommy had just pushed my panic button. I couldn't believe I actually said that. Then again, I thought I would never see him again so it's understandable. I had to think of an excuse.
Jude: Of course, Tommy. I love you; you're like my big, overprotective, brother.
Phew. I was so proud of myself for keeping a straight face the entire time and not breaking a sweat. I took a breath of relief. But then I saw that hurt in his eyes. Crap! I knew I messed with his heart again. But he messed with mine so many times before. It was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Tommy: Oh, so you love me. But you're just not in love with me.
Jude: I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better, but I can't.
Actually, I could've. I could've told him the truth, that I really did love him again, that I fell for him again. But I didn't want to get hurt. Now looking back, I know I should've told him. Right then and there, it was the perfect time and I missed it.
Okay, this story is getting a little off track. I'm suppose to be telling you what happened to Adam. Adam got 25 to life for attempted murder. Attempted? I didn't know what they were talking about. Considering how I felt I was already dead. But he wasn't going to get out of jail for a while. So, again, a few weeks went by, and Tommy became my producer again. It was all great. I moved in with Sadie and Kwest and helped take care of Austin who had just turn 3. I wore a smile all the time. Everyone thought I was happy again, but I wasn't. It wasn't because of Adam, Tommy, or Stuart. At the hospital, I found out something. Privately they told me that I was pregnant, and that I had leukemia. Oh yea, big shock. I told Sadie and Kwest that I was pregnant, but no one knew about my illness. No one needed to know.
How my world became this web of troubles and hurt, I don't know. It just got worst as it went along. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I am adoptive so my last name definitely wasn't Harrison. A lot of people asked Sadie and me why we didn't look for our real parents. I didn't think if it was worth it. Why would I want to meet someone that gave up? So I decided to leave it alone. I tried to keep my pregnancy a secret, but it's hard when your sick every morning and your stomach starts to get a little bigger. Tommy was horrified that I was having Adam's baby. Not like I planned it or anything. But he helped me get through it. I remember one time we were at the studio, and I was about 4 months along. Tommy was being such a sweetheart to me.
Tommy: So how's the soon to be mom?
Jude: She's doing fine. I'm actually starting to show.
Tommy: I can see that. You know Jude, if you want, I can help you take care of this baby. I mean, I know you have Kwest and Sadie, but they have their own to deal with. So if you ever need an Uncle Tommy, I'll always be around.
Jude: Tommy, that's sweet. Maybe I will need an Uncle Tommy.
But like it always does, it just got worse. I went to the doctors with Tommy and Sadie. Something was wrong with the baby. I found out that I had a miscarriage. It broke my heart. I didn't come out of my room for days. I just sat there hoping I would die. People tried to comfort me but it wasn't doing any good. I turned my cell phone on one day and I had 37 missed calls all from Tom Quincy. Why couldn't he care that much when we were together? I couldn't take all of this. I had to get out. I hated life. That's probably when I had my mind set on cutting. I remember learning about girls that did that. I thought it was so stupid. That it didn't do any good. But boy was I wrong. When I felt that pain, it was like a stress reliever. I loved it. The pain from that knife took away the pain from life. I had a box filled with letters and old birthday cards. Under all of the mess was a party bad and in there was my razor blade knife. I would take it out and cut. It had become my best friend for a couple of months.
I finally got an apartment of my own. The only one available was right across from Tommy's. He moved out of our house and got an apartment after we split up. Of course his apartment looked more like a condo. Guess you're wondering how I know that. Tommy and I became like brother and sister. We would look out for each other and comfort each other. We even had movie night every Saturday. I would go over his place or he would come over mine. We saw one another everyday. It was so hard to look at him though. Even when we were laughing I saw the hurt in his eyes and the love that he had for me. One night it just got too much and I went for the knife again. It was at 2:00 in the morning. No one would see me then right? Tommy just came back from the studio working on a new artist and he decided to stop by and see how I was doing.
So he opens the door and I find myself holding a razor to my skin on my living room floor as the blood trickles out of my veins. That wasn't such a pretty sight. He stayed over my place and we talked about how this all started.
Tommy: So that explains all the bracelets and wristbands you were wearing?
Jude: Yeah.
Tommy: Why Jude?
Jude: Because…because every time I think my life is on track again, something else goes wrong. Then when I lost the baby, it just became too much. That was the only way I could get out it seemed.
Tommy: Jude, it might feel good for a second or so. But then all that pain just comes back. The only way to get rid of it is to talk to someone. Talk to me, you can always talk to me, about anything.
Jude: Anything?
Tommy: Yes.
I wanted to tell him about my illness. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and how much I needed him. I guess 2 out of 3 isn't bad. But it didn't come out the way I was thinking. It came out in a friendship way.
Jude: Tommy, I'm so glad you're here. I love you and I need you. You're my best friend. I couldn't handle this without you. Thank you, for always being here.
Tommy: No problem.
He kissed me on my cheek and took the knife away. That's the last time I cut. It sounded stupid when I told Tommy about it. Like when I told him about Adam. Tommy made me come to my sense more than once. But on January 5th, no one could stop me. I ran away. I got released from my label because I wasn't making them any money. So I couldn't sing anymore. Sadie moved to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and didn't even say good-bye. I hadn't seen Tommy in days and I didn't know where he was. Everything was swirling around in my head. I needed to talk to him. I heard him come in around 11:30 that night. I was so happy so I went across to his apartment to talk to him. Imagine my surprise when I saw that same brunette he had cheated on me with on his lap making out. The sudden burst of the door startled them and Tommy looked at me with surprise and guilt. So I ran away.
I didn't know where I was running to, but I knew it was a hell of a lot better than it was back there. I wanted to look back, but I knew that if I did I wouldn't have the strength to keep going. I slept on the streets for weeks. One night I stayed in an alley way and I was staring at the stars wondering what I had gotten myself into. An old man came and sat next to me. I didn't think much of it. I was wearing belly shirt tank top since it was about 88 degrees outside (I brought a bad of clothes and money with me). He started to stare at my stomach. I looked at him then down at my permanent scar. I covered it up quickly.
Old Man: That's one hell of a scar you got there.
Jude: Yea, I know thanks.
Old Man: What'd you do? Fall off a bike or something?
Jude: Um, no. My boyfriend use to beat me. This is the scar he left so I wouldn't forget.
Old Man: I see. So he threw you out in the streets?
Jude: No, I did that on my own. I ran away.
Old Man: Why'd you do that?
Jude: Because, I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time.
I was getting a little irritated.
Old Man: Why, did you see you're boyfriend cheating on you or something?
Jude: Do you always ask so many questions to a complete stranger?
Old Man: Sorry. My name is Ian.
Jude: Jude.
Ian: Now we're not strangers.
I smiled at him and looked back up at the stars. He looked with me.
Ian: Beautiful aren't they?
Jude: Yea. At my old apartment I use to sneak up on the roof with my best friend. We used the fire escape stairs and it led straight the balcony. We would just watch them come out at night and think about what the future held for us.
Ian: I know, it's probably none of my business, but tell me, do you really think its better out here?
Jude: Anyplace is better.
Ian: I'm telling you girl, it may seem like that now, but it's going to get worse. Go home now.
Jude: What if I don't have a home to go to? I'm already dying.
Ian: Excuse me?
Jude: I have leukemia. I haven't responded to any of the treatments.
Ian: I see. Well you're welcome to come along with me.
Jude: Where are you going?
Ian: Everywhere and anywhere. I travel through all of this. I see you have a guitar with you too.
Jude: Yes, um, I sing and play.
Ian: Perfect. We can get some money off of that. For now, lets sleep and see what tomorrow holds for us.
Jude: Goodnight.
Ian: Goodnight.
Ian was a great man. We went around and collected money and had a great time together. He died in his sleep 3 weeks later, and I was on my own again.
So...was it totally awful? I hope not. Again, I'm stuck...so please give me some ideas! I NEED THEM! um...yea...review please!