Impossible

A Gundam Wing Fan Fiction

Rambled Off by The Manwell

Book Three: PARTNERS

Duo Maxwell

Une had used the term "false memory construction" but I've always called a spade a spade and as far as I'm concerned, brainwashing is still brainwashing.

Shit.

I can't begin to imagine how those assholes had managed to pull it off. And I'm pretty sure Heero would like to know the answer to that question as well. But he's not in any condition to discuss it at the moment.

Damn. I've never seen him like this before. I mean, I've seen him angry, focused, grim, amused, resigned, and expressing a plethora of other emotional states... but I've never seen him so... lost.

And I can't help feeling somewhat responsible. Hadn't I just recently wished for a chance to see what this man is made of? Hadn't I been morbidly fascinated by his mortal struggle? Hadn't I wanted to know what Heero's limits were? And now here I am, wrapping a blanket around him as best I can as he's huddling in the corner of my second-hand couch.

How had the wish I'd formed from pure, morbid fascination managed to come true when every other appeal I'd ever sent out into the void had been blithely ignored?

Perhaps there really is something about me that draws the attention of malevolent spirits to the people I care about.

Wait...

Had I really just used the "C" word in reference to Heero Yuy?

Shit, I guess I had.

And, what's more. I guess it's true. I do care about the guy. But, then, why wouldn't I? Especially after the last two weeks plus we've been through together? Still, it seems weird to come right out and admit it. But then, the whole damn situation seems weird. Still, Twilight Zone or no, he needs me right now and my standing here looming over him is not exactly helping.

Following instincts I don't normally acquiesce to, I crouch down next to him on the edge of the couch and gently curl my arms around his shoulders. I almost expect him to resist the embrace, but he doesn't. He settles his weight against me and sighs.

What is it about the warm weight of another person leaning into you? Why does the trust that single action implies cut you open every time? I almost wish he'd cry; then I'd feel uncomfortable and awkward instead of... raw and open.

God, had I just sat down and pulled him into my arms? Jesus Christ. I had. I must be completely insane. This is Heero Yuy for fuck's sake. He doesn't need me. He has never needed me. I've been useful, handy, convenient, efficient, a means to an end... but he's never, ever needed anything from me.

But then, why is he curling closer to me, resting his cheek on my shoulder, sitting with his thigh pressed against the outside of one of mine?

This young man hurting so silently in my arms can't possibly be the Heero Yuy I know. I must have eaten some of those funny mushrooms for breakfast or something... You know what they say about space shuttle food, right?

But here we are. I'm sitting on my beat-up, lumpy couch with Heero practically in my lap. And I wonder what's going to happen when he comes to his senses and realizes where he is right now.

Three weeks ago, I would have expected... Actually, I don't know what I would have expected. And even now I'm drawing a blank. It's so easy for me to recall that complete lack of expression he'd gifted me with right before he'd slugged me in the gut on X18999 and I keep deferring to that moment... keep wondering if I'll see that look again... and I wonder if I'll be able to take it a second time.

But when I stop and think about it, that concern – let's not call it fear, all right? – doesn't really make any sense. I mean, Heero hasn't said a mean word to me since... since... Damn. I can barely remember a time or two during the first war. And the only time he'd ever hit me had been during that Mariemaia mess. Even the indifference he'd shown me during the first war and the Eve Battle has been completely absent since he'd joined the Preventers. So why am I entertaining these lingering expectations?

I don't really know. If I sit here long enough and force myself to think about it, I'll probably figure it out. But let's be serious. I'm a world-class procrastinator when it comes to emotional stuff and introspection and crap like that. Besides, I'd rather just lean back against Heero and marvel at the evidence that the friendship we'd tentatively started building during Heero's convalescence has survived the trip to Earth.

So that's exactly what I do.

And when Heero falls asleep in my arms, I just continue sitting here, holding him. I suppose I ought to lay him down. It would be better for his still-healing body. But I don't want to let go quite yet.

I almost smile as I realize here is yet another issue I don't want to think about.

Later, I tell myself. I'll think later. For now, I just want to be warm and needed for a change.