Impossible

A Gundam Wing Fan Fiction

Rambled Off by The Manwell

Book Three: PARTNERS

Heero Yuy

Follow your emotions.

Of all the instructions and advice I've ever received in my life, that's the one piece that I have always carried with me. And it's the only piece I'd ever offered to another soul. I'm not too sure how practical it is... but my mentor had used his last breath to deliver it.

I suppose that leaves an impression.

It's odd that for all the people I've killed, I've only actually been physically present at the side of a handful of them when they'd died. And Odin Lowe's death had been the first I'd witnessed... up close and personal, you could say.

So perhaps the advice isn't so much wise as it is... etched into me.

I sigh and caress the smooth metal in my hands. It's times like this – when I'm overwhelmed by the absolute emotional clusterfuck I've managed to create in my life – that I miss that lonely assassin who'd taken me in and taught me how to survive, how to kill, and – in short – how to grow up.

And while I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Odin hadn't been infallible, I somehow persist in believing that he would be able to untangle these moments I get lost in and show me the path again.

I sigh and let my hands move as they will. Autopilot really is a soothing place to be after you've run so hard and so far that the only place you'd wound up had been a brick wall.

"Heero?"

My hands tighten at the sound of that familiar voice invading the heavy peace I'd finally found in the sanctuary of my bedroom.

"I know you're here, man," Duo continues and I can hear him closing the front door behind him. "I tried to call but your phone's off the hook."

I frown and glance at the appliance sitting on my nightstand. I don't recall leaving the channel open, but I apparently had... because the vid phone lies muted and spitting static across the screen beside me. How had I not noticed this?

"Talk to me, man."

I hear the steely note in Duo's voice. I know that tone. It's the one he uses when he's decided not to give up until he'd gotten some answers. And if Duo Maxwell is consistent at anything, it's being an obnoxiously stubborn cuss when he puts his mind to it.

With a heavy sigh, I admit, "I'm in the bedroom."

I don't hear his footsteps, but he pushes the door open only a half a second later. He must have started moving almost as soon as he'd heard me start to sigh. He stands in the doorway, regarding me with those ever-changing eyes of his. For the first time in my life, I find myself staring at a Duo Maxwell who is immovable and completely patient. The volatile energy he exudes is oddly absent and I wonder about that. I have no point of reference with which to refer in judging if this is a good sign or a bad one.

Very softly, he asks me, "Can I come in?"

I shrug. "Sure." Despite my off-handed tone, Duo has my undivided attention as he approaches my bed and sits opposite me. He leans back against the footboard and I endure a long moment during which his gaze moves over me very deliberately. From my sock-clad toes to my chaotic hair.

"Do you really care about me that much?" he asks softly, suddenly.

The question surprises me and my hands convulse once in my lap. I don't think to clear my throat before I try to speak and I hear myself grate out in an uneven voice, "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."

He nods once. But I know he's not convinced. Nothing is that simple when it comes to Duo Maxwell.

"Why me, Heero?"

Why, indeed. I snort and shake my head. "You don't ask easy questions, do you?" I counter, trying to stall him. I'm not sure I even understand the reasoning behind my choice. And I'd rather not think about it right now, not with everything else I'm trying to deal with.

One corner of his mouth quirks up. "Nah. Life's too short, ya know?"

Indeed, I do.

"So... why me, Heero?"

"I trust you," I tell him. "Completely. Beyond that... the hell if I know."

He laughs and it's a sound I've never heard out of him before. It's soft and breathy and somewhat... intimate. I feel gooseflesh race up my arms and I barely manage to squash the reflexive shiver in time.

"Is that why you joined the Preventers? Because I'd...?"

"Joined up?" I finish for him and answer succinctly, "Yes."

He glances away and I glimpse a moment of confusion on his face even though I'm only given a view of his profile. "You shouldn't have made a decision like that based on..."

"On what?" I challenge softly. "I know myself well enough to know what I need. The sacrifices I make in the process are irrelevant."

Immediately, I have his undivided attention again. "Jesus Christ. Are you listening to yourself? You make it sound like you'd follow me through Hell and back!"

Having thought those very thoughts not an hour ago, and having determined them to be an accurate description of my present situation, I don't deny it. I let my silence speak for me.

Duo shakes his head and I sense the building frustration in the gesture. "I don't understand you. You don't..."

"Don't...?" I prompt, wondering what it is that's holding Duo away from me.

He sighs sharply and explosively, searching for the words he wants. "Like me," he finally finishes in an unhappy tone.

I blink at him. "What?" How had I managed to convince him of that?

He closes his eyes for a moment and I know that when he opens them, I'm not going to like the look in them.

And I'm right.

His dark eyes are flat and wary and suspicious when he unveils them again. "I've only ever been a means to an end... a convenient ally... a... tool." The last word is barely a whisper and I feel it tear at me with shocking ferocity.

"When did I...? How...?"

He interrupts my unbalanced floundering and softly tells me, "During the war. During the Mariemaia deal... Not since we've been working together with the Preventers."

Which begs the question: "If I haven't been treating you... like that for two years then why do you keep this distance between us?"

He shrugs. "Habit, I guess. I've always thought of you in more competitive terms than, you know, like..."

"A friend?" I ask, my chest muscles tightening into a hard ache.

He watches me for a moment, his expression unreadable. "Yeah," he admits.

God, that hurts. I force a swallow down my throat, but the pain and emotions aren't banished with it. "So... you're saying it's all my fault that..." I have to pause and gather the scraps of my strength to voice the implied message. "... you don't trust me?"

Duo quickly shakes his head. "No, Heero. I'm not saying that. I'm..." A rueful grin tugs at his lips and a dark gleam of humor enters his eyes. "I'm an asshole. And a mistrustful asshole at that. Who carries grudges because it takes too much energy to sort out the truth." He shrugs eloquently. "I'm an insensitive prick. There's no getting around that."

I laugh. "Yeah," I agree when I can. "I know."

He tilts his head to one side and regards me with a sharp stare. "Then why do you trust me so much?"

"Why don't you trust me?" I reply, starting to get frustrated at his inability to comprehend. "Take all of your reasons and reverse them. You were another soldier but you treated me like a person. You helped me. You challenged me. You made me see myself as something other than someone else's weapon. Why wouldn't I trust you?"

Duo simply watches me, his eyes wide and surprised. And in the wake of that very personal revelation, I stand and march out of the room. I'm feeling split open by that admission. And I'm feeling furious that I'd managed to make Duo feel the exact opposite: sub-human, with instrumental value only, worthy of manipulation but not trust.

Had I really been such an unbelievable asshole?

"Heero, stop it."

I look up as Duo perches on the arm of the matching loveseat in my living room. I hadn't even noticed I'd been drawn back to my usual perch facing the window.

"Heero..." He sighs and a determined expression hardens his gaze. "I'm the agent I am today because you challenged me to be a better pilot. You helped me, too, if I remember correctly." The corner of his mouth quirks up and I know he's recalling that time I'd busted him out of Oz custody. "We've already established that I'm a grudge-loving bastard. Is it any wonder I've been clinging to the illusion that our relationship is one of competition? It is... was much easier to deal with."

"It was?" I echo, hating the blatant hope I hear in my voice.

"Yeah. It was shot to hell a long time ago, but today I finally bought a clue."

I snort softly in amusement and tell him, "You know, for someone who can manipulate me like putty, you're surprisingly dense sometimes."

"Don't I know it!" he agrees happily. "It took a lot of effort to train myself to be this oblivious to my own motives."

I shake my head, wondering at that. Sometimes, I honestly don't understand him.

And in the process of pulling back from the conversation, I notice something odd about my living room. I notice Duo's laptop sitting on my couch.

I frown.

"What's your pc doing here?" I can hazard a few guesses, but I hold back.

When he takes a deep breath, I know I'm not going to like the reason, whatever it is. "Maybe now isn't the best time to talk about it..."

"Maybe you're right," I tell him. "But you're going to tell me anyway."

He coughs out a surprised laugh. "Yes, sir."

After a moment, Duo doesn't elaborate so I glare at him. "Don't make me ask you again, Maxwell..."

He sighs, all traces of humor evaporating. "Fine. What did you program that virus you unleashed on the Lunar Base to do?"

I blink at him, a little surprised by this topic. How can the virus I'd created be the cause of his reluctance to talk to me? Immediately, I reveal the primary objective: provide a back door for Duo to investigate the company's database. And I systematically list the malfunctions I'd created to cover up the true intent.

Sprinklers.

Bidets.

Hallway ceilings.

Private residence microwaves.

Shoe-shining receptacle.

Water temperature reversal.

Clothing driers.

After I finish my list, which is rather impressive if I do say so myself, Duo nods in satisfaction. "That's everything, right?"

My eyes narrow. "... yeah..."

He takes deep breath and looks into my eyes. "I picked through your memories the other night, Heero."

"I know," I reply quickly. At the sight of his eyebrows arcing in silent inquiry, I elucidate, "I figured it out when I woke up."

He nods and tells me bluntly, "I didn't find any evidence that you'd been brainwashed."

I blink. I must have heard that wrong. "What?"

"There was no evidence, Heero. Nothing. Can you come up with anything that would explain how someone managed a completely undetectable brainwashing episode on a soldier who's been trained to within an inch of his life to resist brainwashing attempts?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

"Yeah," Duo continues softly. "I was stumped, too. Either we're dealing with some seriously scary dudes, or..."

"Or there was no brainwashing at all," I mutter. "But then how did I manage to believe I'd sent you that check-in message...?"

I feel a touch on my bicep and look down at Duo's hand softly curled around my arm.

"Heero, Wufei took a look at your laptop. It's true that you never sent the message. But..." Duo leans a little closer. "You blocked me from your email server, too."

Again, all I can think of to say is: "What?"

"You didn't want to hear from me."

"But I didn't...!"

"There's more."

Only two words. Who would have thought that only two words could make my hands tremble?

"The virus you wrote does more than just piss people off," he tells me in a soft but firm voice. "You programmed a malfunction into the data storage room's locking mechanism so it would take at least five tries to open. And..."

I would have prompted him to finish that sentence, but I can't figure out how to make my throat work.

"And you programmed the solar panels to charge continuously. Starting immediately from a successful upload."

No. I look away from that searching gaze and stare out the window.

"You wrote a virus that was destined to kill you, Heero."

No. I transfer my gaze to my hands where they rest on my lap.

"And you didn't send me that check-in because you knew I'd come after you and stop you."

No. I watch my fingers curl into tight fists.

"Heero... what's more likely? That some super evil bad guys managed to perform the perfect brainwash, or..."

No! Those fists begin to tremble.

"Or that your training and your subconscious don't... agree anymore?"

"NO!" And with that, I surge to my feet. "That's... that's bullshit!" I'm seething with rage and terror. "Get out!" I yell. "Get the fuck out, Maxwell!"

He ducks quickly as my wild gesture toward the door nearly connects with his head.

"Heero..."

"OUT!" I storm toward the front door of my apartment, intent on only one thing: ejecting Duo Maxwell from my home and eliminating this horrifying possibility from my life. But then something crunches and shifts beneath my stockinged foot. Momentarily distracted by the discomfort of something hard and solid digging into one of my foot bones, I glance down and recognize the shattered remains of a pot... and the spray of sand... and...

No!

I swiftly glance up and behind me, my gaze zooming to the window sill. The only place I've kept Duo's cactus since he'd given it to me.

And I see nothing but unblemished moulding.

"Oh, God..."

I turn back to the mess in the entryway on a desperate whisper. What had I done? What in the hell had I done?

But the answer is easily discerned. I can see the impact point on the door where the plant had struck. The scatter of sand. The shards of clay. And there, leaning drunkenly against the floorboard, the mangled remains of the small plant I'd never gotten the chance to watch bloom.

"Oh, God... I didn't..."

I don't realize I've sunk to my knees until Duo wraps his arms around me and leans his cheek against my hair. His voice is so soft, so soothing in my ear: "You're not alone, Heero. I'm here with you. Right here with you."

"I couldn't have..." I insist. "Couldn't have..."

He rubs his hands up and down my arms and I think the simple touches are the only things holding me together. "We're going to get through this, Heero. I'm here for you, man. We're partners, you know? Partners."

"How could I have done this, Duo? I don't remember." But when I examine my shaking hands, I notice several scratches on my right hand. Fresh scratches. Spaced at the correct intervals to have originated from angrily grasping and hurtling a small cactus across the room.

I've seen and done a plethora of hideous things in my life. I've felt fear and terror and horror. I've been paralyzed by it. I've ridden the adrenalin like my life depended on it, and many times it had. But I have never been afraid of myself.

It is a fear unlike anything I've ever experienced. The mere possibility that I'd orchestrated my own death then subconsciously sent a silent call for help... I can't even consider it without breaking into a cold sweat.

"Come on, Heero. You're shivering."

I allow Duo to guide me over to the couch and wrap me in his own jacket. And himself. He envelops me with his strong arms and just holds me. I lean into his warmth and surrender. It shouldn't have been this easy to give in... and I try to ignore this one more bit of evidence that points to the impossibility Duo had suggested: the possibility that I might be breaking.