"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

― John Lennon

October 22, 2001

Stage one is denied and isolation

Stage two is anger

Ever since John had died in August Pacey put himself with more work and looked empty inside. He would show up to her appointments but would barely say a word to her. Over the past month, she had been taking as many shifts that the restaurant that she could. She was still going to Worthington which is surprising going well except for the fact that her English teacher gave her crap about being pregnant.

As for Joey's body, she had started feeling some flutters kicks around 19 weeks and then two weeks later she showed Bessie who could feel them on the outside. Joey didn't tell Pacey at all not until the doctor asked her if she could feel movement that Joey say anything about the kicks. To which Pacey didn't say anything but nod his head.

Besides the flutters which now at 24 weeks she could feel them more strongly from the inside and outside. Which was strange to her. She is highly hormonal, She would cry herself to sleep most nights from feeling so alone. Joey would often call Dawson or Bessie when she felt like she couldn't do it anymore. At work she had gotten better but some days were harder than normal, she still felt super nauseous or she would be tired from doing school and work on the same days. She would leave the apartment at seven am and wouldn't be back until eight pm. Long hours at school and longer hours at work.

Today was one of those days where she forgot about most of her responsibility besides school and work. She has forgotten about her doctor's appointment.

Pacey walked into the restaurant and rushed over to Toby. Asked where was Joey and without a word he pointed to Joey who was sitting down on her break.

"Joey," Pacey called as he rushed over to her. She looked up surprised that he was even speaking to her. She could tell he was upset with her. She didn't want to get emotional around him but she felt a tear coming down her face. She was tired of not doing anything right.

"What?" Joey snapped at him as she quickly got up to serve her table's food.

"You missed our appointment, that's what!?" Pacey snapped back. Joey didn't say anything but slam the plates on the table and grabbed Pacey's shirt collar and dragged him outside.

"If you want to continue being a hole then go ahead, Pacey. Ever since your Dad has passed away you have been such an as. You barely speak to me or ask me how am I doing. You are not the Pacey everyone knows and love and I am so sick and tired of it." Joey said as she let her tears fall down her face.

Pacey stood there in awe and was about to wrap his arms around her body when she shook her head and back into the restaurant. Toby stood there as he always did with a book in his hand. He looked up to see her racing to the bathroom. Toby put his book down and slowly walked over to the bathroom.

"Joey." He said as he knocked on the door. There was nothing but silent sobs coming from Joey. "I'm coming in." He said as he opened the door to see Joey sitting there with her eye closed and her hands covering her face. Toby said nothing as he shut the door and sat down next to her. They were quiet for a moment until Joey said in a small voice.

"Ever since Pacey's Dad has passed away it feels like he isn't the same person anymore. We barely see each other and we live in the same apartment... We are both working all the time and I'm in school most of the weekdays and then on weekends. I know if I talk to him it could lead to an argument because of how cold he seems whenever I just look at him. I just don't have the energy like I use to... my feet are always hurting, I'm exhausted and stressed out, but most of all I am lonely."

"When my Dad passed away it took me a long while before I ever felt better again. I was eleven and he got into a huge car wreck. I was actually in the car with him but I only came out with a broken arm and leg. My baby sister passed away as well because of that wreck. I of course was angry for a while but my mom... she never grew from the experience and got into drugs. I basically raise my sister now."

Joey was quiet for a moment as she thought about Bessie and their parents. How Bessie not once complained about having to take care of Joey until she was older.

"My mom died of cancer when I was thirteen, my Dad went to jail for trafficking marijuana. My older sister Bessie along with her husband raised me for a while." Joey whispered softly.

"Pacey needs love, Joey... just like you. I mean... he is the father of your child right?" Toby said and then looked up to see Joey nodding her head. "So, he is probably dealing with the same stress you are dealing with or have dealt with."

"Yeah but I don't remember being so bitter about my mom's death..."

Toby let a small chuckle. "Trust me, we were bitter... we probably just didn't see it ourselves because we tried to hide it as much as possible. Do you know what you are having?"

"I don't want to know."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to scare Pacey if it is a boy because I feel like that's what it will probably be. I don't want him to feel pressured to do better after his father passed away in August. And... I guess I don't want to pressure myself if it is a girl because there is something so scary if the thought of a baby girl." Joey said.

"Yeah, but sometimes the things we get scared over the things that make us grow as individuals."

Joey thought about what Toby had just said, it was one of the truest statements she had ever heard in her entire life. Then he got up and held out a hand for her to get up. She did but very slowly.

"Let's go out. We close in five minutes, are you hungry?"

The sound of Joey's stomach filled up the room. Toby left as they walked out of the bathroom and into the break room. He got her jacket for her and Joey hesitated for a few seconds.

"We are closing in twenty minutes, I'll tell Jasper to cover your tables and we both aren't on clean-up duty... so we are going out."

"I don't know, Toby."

Joey's stomach then made a sound again and she glared at the smile that was on Toby's face.

"You mention food to a pregnant woman... that's cruel," Joey said as he helped her put her coat on.

They walked out and then clocked out to go to a waffle house down the street. Joey ordered four chocolate waffles with extra bacon on the side while Toby's order was just a simple waffle with bacon.

"Sometimes I feel like I already failed my kid," Joey whispered as she watched him pour his coffee in him. He looked up at her as he poured his cream and sugar.

"What do you mean?" He asked her.

"When I found I was pregnant I called Pacey... thinking this baby needs us to co-parent and figure our stuff out. I knew that wouldn't work if we got back together but deep inside I wanted us to. Pacey dropped everything for this baby but then one by one our old habits came back. Of course, we agreed we wouldn't get back together anytime soon but the little things we use to do started to haunt us. Pacey got us a place to live, and then he got a job as a cook. Then when everything got situated…Pacey's Dad passed away, he got bitter and we both started to work more. It became prom all over again."

"What happened at prom?" Toby asked and then he looked up at her. Joey could see the curious glaze in his eyes and just for a second, he looked like a child when their parents told them a story.

"Long story short Pacey screamed at me saying when he is with me he feels like he is nothing. He apologized but the hormonal part in me is scared he is going to feel like that with the baby. I know it sounds awful…"

"No, it doesn't. You sound like you are generally hurt by this." Toby said. "But from my point of view, it sounds like when he said those things he was probably overwhelmed and not feeling good enough. Which Joey, that isn't your fault. Tell me why did he show up at the restaurant today?"

"I forgot to go to meet him at our doctor's appointment, so he came to yell at me."

"And why do you think he was so upset?"

"Because he was trying to make me upset."

"No, Joey. Think harder, you're a smart girl." Toby said as the waitress came to order and set down their food. Joey looked at Toby who was thanking the waitress for the food.

Think harder, you're a smart girl. What did he mean?

"I don't get it," Joey said when the waitress left.

"It's not that he is trying to make you mad and most definitely doesn't want to seem bitter. He just wants to prove that he is there but he is feeling unappreciated." Toby said. Joey look down as she felt tears threatening to come down her face.

"I don't know how to make it better. I think I'll make this worse. Everyone I love is either disappointed in me or leaves. I'm just so scared I'll be alone by the end of this." She whispered to him as her tears now weren't threatening, they were running quickly down her face. Toby without a word slid next to her in the booth and held her close. "Oh, Joey. You aren't alone in this. If he is trying to do what I told you I thought then you just need to talk to him."

Joey wiped her tears and laugh a little. She always thought when Pacey and she were together they were good at talking about their feelings but every time they disagree it blew up because of their personalities. Pacey held back because he didn't want to cause pain but the moment he did Joey's strong personality came in. Now, five months pregnant sitting here being held by Toby she felt the most lonely ever but she knew he was right she needed to talk to Pacey or else this will be the longest 18 years of their life.

She sat up and started to eat her waffles. Toby still sat next to her as they ate in silent eventually Joey started talking about books, and Paris.

"I got offered to go to Paris when I was in 10th grade. I didn't go because of a boy."

"Pacey?" Toby asked her. Joey shook her head. "His name is Dawson. We dated for a short amount of time before Pacey. He didn't want me to go so… I didn't. But I always wanted to go after college however I think that changed after I found out I was pregnant." Joey said as she finished the last bite of her pancakes.

"If I ever get offered to go Paris, I don't think I would turn down the offer in the least I found my true love."

"Well, every teen thinks they found true love. I think fifteen-year-old Joey would laugh terribly at this situation I am or puck all over Pacey."

"You didn't like Pacey before you two got together," Toby asked as Joey shook her head.

"God no, I thought I was into Dawson. Dawson and Pacey were best friends. When Dawson and I broke up, Dawson told Pacey to keep an eye on me. Pacey and I slowly became friends which ended up with that something never felt doesn't real to me. Pacey kissed me on the side of the road I genuinely felt something. Then we got together without Dawson knowing. After that, it was a big fight with Dawson and well Dawson and Pacey got in a big… competitive mood. Pacey was about to sail away from his in the end, Pacey was brave enough to paint ask me to stay which is a story in itself but I will never forget the way he looked at me when I told him I wanted to sail with him during the summer on the boat. I may not have gone to Paris because of Dawson the year before but sailing on the boat with Pacey was like Paris to me."

"Sounds amazingly complicated.." Toby said with a laugh as Joey shrugged. "But cute. Joey, I think you need to go tell Pacey everything you told me. It could help."

"I don't know. It could just make him mad at himself."

The waitress then walked out and put the check on the table.

"Or it could actually be good, Joey."

The two then paid for the meal and then walk back to their work.

"I got to get my car, what about you?" Toby asked.

"I normally take the bus home," Joey said but then stop walking when she saw the look Toby gave her. A look she hated so much, a look of pity.

"No need to give me that look. My apartment is a couple of blocks away."

"I'll drive you during the night."

"Toby..."

"No, I'm serious. Boston isn't a safe place and you are six months pregnant, Joey."

Joey shrugged and then they made their way to the parking lot where Toby's truck was. The two got in and without another conversation, Joey told him where to go to get home.

When they got to the apartment, Joey grabbed her bag and smiled at him. This was the first time in a while that she felt great.

"Thank you for taking me out... it felt amazing."

"Your welcome."

Joey then open the car door and before she went out. Toby said something that she will never forget.

"un jour tes rêves à Paris te trouveront. J'ai promis." which meant one day your dreams in Paris will find you. I promise.

Joey got out of the truck and shut the door. She looked back with a smile but as she turned her head she frowned at Pacey who was in the lobby waiting for her. He looked at her with a guilty look all over his face. Without saying anything, Joey walked over with folded her arms over her visible belly. She knew she shouldn't be this pity and she should just talk to him but he made her go so insane sometimes she felt like she could run away screaming at the top of her lungs. She opened the door as Pacey stood up and walked over to her and did the most unexpected thing. He hugged her.

This hug wasn't like any of their other hugs. Joey had probably thousands of hugs from him but this... this was different. Her face was on the crick of his neck while her hormones allow her to react to the situation with tears.

Pacey looked at her and wiped her tears with the tip of his thumb. "Joey, you were right. I have been such an ass and I'm sorry. I don't know why and we are both stubborn. I'm trying, Jo. I just... I just don't want to do the wrong thing."

Joey could feel the kick in her stomach after he said all this. She suddenly realizes he hasn't felt the baby kick at all. She said nothing as she took his hand and place it where the baby was kicking hard.

When Pacey felt his child in Joey's belly he knew this was different. For so long he was bitter to Joey and in his heart, he still felt bitter. He was scared but he didn't know how else to express his emotions because he was terrible at showing them to people.

"Pace... you can't shut me out," Joey whispered to him and looked up at his eyes. "It hurts too much. We always do it, one of us gets angry at the other, and the next thing we know we don't say but a couple of words to one another. I'm tired of it, Pacey."

Pacey nodded his head. "I know. I do."

"If we are going to raise this kid together, we have to learn what to do when we are mad. But I think once the baby gets older I should find my own place, those are the kind of things we need to talk about. What if something bad happens how will handle it? We keep avoiding these subjects and they are bugging me."

"I don't know how to not to do, Jo." He whispered.

"Well, we need to find out a way to balance it, Pace."

December 23, 2001

Joey being 32 weeks pregnant knew that it was wrong to go walking in this cold weather. However, Toby who normally drove her was out of town for his family and Joey tried to call Pacey but he wouldn't pick up. So, she had no choice especially since all her other co-workers and Flora who lived in the same apartment as she was gone.

Ever since Pacey and she had made up in October things felt normal again but it was only for the baby. Thanksgiving was hard for Pacey's family, somehow Pacey's mom held so much bitterness since John's passing. However, Gretchen, Elizabeth, Carrie, and Doug welcome her with open arms. Of course, she did overuse her welcome but she knew Mary's bitterness would change once she saw the baby in January.

Walking down the empty snowy sidewalk she felt the cold breeze make her cheeks go red. She saw an atm in the distance and she remembered she had to cash in her check or it would sit there bugging her during the holidays in Capeside.

She opened the door and started to walk to the ATM. She could feel her feet throbbing and her head starting to hurt. She quickly cash in the check as her phone started to ring and noticed it was Audrey's number. Over the past few months of living with Audrey, the girls only talk when they had to. They had a few classes together but they never really got close.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jo." Pacey's voice said.

"Oh, hey Pace. What's up?"

"Do you have a ride? I can get a taxi or Flora to come to get you."

"No, it's ok. I'm walking home, now." Joey said as she opened the door.

"Joey... you are-"

"Pregnant, I aware. Pacey, it's ok. I'll be home in ten."

"Alright, but call if you need help, ok?"

"Yes, father," Joey said jokingly and hung up.

She started walking more when she noticed a man walking towards her. Of course, this is happening to her now. He blocked her and then grinned at her up and down. Joey tried to walk as fast as she could while being pregnant and having ice on the sidewalk but the other man who came from the other side walked and blocked her.

"Where do you think you are going, huh?"

"Home," Joey said firmly as she tried to walk but then another guy started to walk towards her where she back into the first man who blocked.

"Daniel, she is pregnant." The second man said while nodding at her bump.

That didn't stop the other guy though he kicked Joey's leg who slipped and fell while the first man grabbed the money out of her left pocket where she cash in her money. Joey laid on the ground and then Daniel stepped on her ankle hard and Joey felt a shot of pain as laid there in tears. She felt everything get dizzy as she slowly watched the two men run away from her.

It took her a moment to feel her leg again, she quickly put her hand on her belly to feel her baby kick rapidly as she normally did. She grabbed her phone from her pocket and called Audrey's number.

"Hello?" Audrey's voice.

"Audrey... I need help." Joey said. She could hear the pain in her voice.

"Hold on..." Audrey said as she heard Pacey's voice and then heard mumbling and then Pacey's voice in her ear.

"Joey? Are you ok?"

"No..." She whispered. She could hear footsteps through the phone but she didn't move. She was cold and she couldn't feel her legs. The only thing she could feel was her baby kicking like kicking a football in her belly.

She could hear Pacey's voice a minute later as he quickly walked over to her. She was only a block away from the apartment which suddenly made her mad.

"God, Joey what the hell happened?!" He said as he kneel down.

"Pacey...I can't feel my legs." She whispered as he tried to get her up. She then heard Audrey's voice. "Can you pick her up?"

"I don't want to drop her," Pacey said nervously and then handed Audrey the phone. "Call an ambulance and then go to the apartment and get a blanket and a pillow."

Audrey did what she told as Pacey told Joey's hand and softly push her hair back. "Can you feel the baby?" He whispered so soft Joey almost didn't hear.

"Yeah." She said as she took his hand and set it on her belly. She didn't know how to tell him this wasn't her fault. That two men robbed her and took her paycheck but she couldn't get the words to come out of her mouth. Instead, she focus on what she could see, hear, smell, and feel. What she could focus on now was what she wanted to tell him.

As Pacey watch Joey lay there, he felt hopeless. The only thing that was keeping him calm was the fact that the baby was ok. He felt like it was forever until Audrey came back and he knew the ice on the back of Joey's back and the head was probably hurting her. He kept repeating their conversation in his head.

"Pregnant, I aware. Pacey, it's ok. I'll be home in ten."

He should have stopped her and walked her home. But he didn't. Why didn't he? It's not like he was doing anything. That's when the feeling he lost in October came back helpless, stupid, not good enough, and guilt for feeling like this.

He felt the little kick as he had his hand on her stomach and then Pacey looked up to see Audrey quickly coming back with two pillows and a few blankets.

"They are coming." She said as she put two pillows under Joey's back and head and then the blanket over Joey's body.

Then Audrey looked at Pacey and smiled. Over the past few months of living in the same apartment, Pacey and Audrey have gotten close from watching movies when he got off work to just talking while he cooked dinner. But Audrey was something... different not a good different but not a bad one either. She was just odd. She would party a lot, go out and drink as much as she could then come home at 2 am. Nobody ever talked about it but it happened a lot.

Pacey then heard the sirens coming from the street and the ambulance pulling up with the police. Pacey raised his hand as he started to feel dizzy. What was happening? He felt like everything was moving in slow motion.

They put Joey on a roller bed and that's when everything turned black for him.

Joey didn't know what happened to Pacey as she rode towards the hospital. She did keep getting poked all over and making sure everything was ok.

"Everything looks good with the baby." One paramedic said.

"Not so good on the leg, definitely broken." Another paramedic said.

When they got to the hospital, Joey was rolled in and put in the hospital room. She waited for Pacey but he never came until thirty minutes of sitting there.

He knocked softly on the door and sat on the hospital bed right next to her. Joey was exhausted and by Pacey's expression, he looked like it too. The two still didn't know what happened to one another but at the moment they could tell neither one of them wanted to really talk about it.

Joey rested her head on Pacey's shoulder who softly rubbed his hand on her arm. This was a comfort that they both needed it was never really said but the two just knew. Joey could feel her tears coming down from the pain of her ankle and she hated it. She hated all of this but most of all she hated how she got here. She could hear the guy's voice in her head.

"Daniel, she is pregnant."

Suddenly Joey's small tears turned into sobs. Pacey looked down in concern but didn't say anything as he held her tighter and tried to soothe her with words of comfort.

"Joey, tell me what happened... did you fall?" Pacey quietly asked. Joey shook her head and wiped her tears.

"Someone... someone... robbed me."

Pacey then felt himself get mad at this but he didn't say another word as he held her closer. He rubbed her back softly till she heard her name. It was the doctor's. She sat herself up and made a fake small smile. Maybe if she wasn't this pregnant and hormonal she wouldn't be crying this hard but something else was setting her off. The pain? The way the men sounded towards her? The face the men made when they realize that she was pregnant or maybe it was how horrifying the whole situation was.

The nurse handed her paperwork she needed to fill out and within fifteen minutes it was all done. She then got an X-ray of her legs and arms to see if anything was broken and then went back to her room. Pacey was sitting in the chair by her as Joey stared in the distance past the television. Another five minutes passed and, the police came in.

"Josephine Potter?" A man in the uniform asked her.

"Joey." She corrected them. "Right." The officer said.

"We have a few questions for you."

"Alright..." Joey said

"First, do you remember what the men look like?"

"They were both probably in there mid 30 thirties one had blonde hair and the other one had brown."

"Did they happen to say anything to you?"

Joey could hear the man's voice asking where she is going and the other one realizing she was pregnant.

"The second man realized I was pregnant and the one who blocked me didn't care."

Joey felt pain in her lower back and groan as she nervously shifted as slowly as she could. A doctor then walked in and told the officers that were often questioned.

"Hello, Joey. Well, we have a couple of bad news and good news. Which one do you want first?"

"Um, bad news."

"The bad news is your legs are surprisingly not broken but your ankle is sprained. We will put a boot on you for about 2 to 4 weeks." The doctor said. "We need you to take it easy with your body due to your pregnancy. If you feel any huge contractions that go on for every couple of minutes you should come in. The other bad news is due to the tragic event you are more than likely to get false labor and that's your body's way of handling the stress. So, take time off of work and avoid anything stressful."

Joey nodded her head. "So that means bed rest? No more work?"

"You can go out but maybe step down on work for a while."

"And the good news?" Pacey asked to try to lighten the mood.

"The good news is baby seems to be healthy from what we can tell. The baby is kicking, right?"

Joey nodded her head. "Definitely."

"The heart rate was great, the baby is definitely healthy. We just need Mama to be." The doctor said with a smile.

"We will put a brace on you and we will need you to come in about 2 weeks. You can take it off but try not to."

Joey nodded her head as Bessie came running in.

"Oh my Goodness Joey. Are you ok?" Bessie said as she hugged her sister. "Yes, Bessie. Just a fractured ankle." Joey said.

"Oh, thank God. What happened?!"

"I don't really want to say it, Bessie," Joey whispered as she looked away. The doctor smile softly and patted Joey's arm. "We will get a boot for you."

Pacey gently rubbed Joey's arm as she looked up. She thought about how quickly this was and it made her nervous. If she wasn't careful she could have the baby today.

After they got the boot, Joey was in a wheelchair due to the bruises but Pacey had the crutches in his hands so she could still walk if she choose to. When they were walking out, Joey put her hand on Pacey's hand telling him to stop moving and go back. When she looked up she saw the man who kicked her in the hospital bed. She told Pacey to wheel herself to his room where the man was Pacey confused but still did what he was told to do.

Joey saw a woman sitting there next to the man as she held his hand. But Joey felt no sympathy because this was one of the men who said she was pregnant and yet took her money and almost broke her leg. The woman looked up with tears in her eyes.

"Who are you?" She asked as she wiped her eyes. "Do you know my husband Samuel?"

Joey looked at the lady with a frown because this woman had no idea what happened a couple of hours ago.

"Is he your husband?" Joey asked gently and the lady nodded softly. "My daughter is with her grandma and I came as soon as I could. My name is Grace but I'm sorry to ask again but what happened to you?"

Joey looked up at Pacey who nodded. Joey knew he knew that Samuel was the one who broke her ankle. That made her in pain, which put her in this hospital.

"Do you want me to stay?" Pacey asked softly in her ear. Joey nodded scared over how this stranger would react to the news about her husband.

"Your husband and Daniel did this to me," Joey whispered. Grace covered her mouth as she stood up. That was when Joey noticed Grace's pregnant belly. "I'm going to be sick," Grace said as she ran to a trash can and threw up.

Pacey walked over and softly rubbed Grace's back. "Jesus, how could he?" The woman said with a sob. "We are going to have a daughter in a couple of weeks."

"He wanted my money," Joey whispered. "The doctor thinks I just sprained my ankle so there was no harm and my baby well she or he is ok."

"I don't think I can stay with him right now-" Grace started to say.

"I think you should," Joey said. "He needs you even with what he did, and I will never understand why he did it but he will need someone when he wakes up."

"You still think that even after what he did to you?" Grace asked.

"I already filed a report but when he wakes up he will feel guilty. I would probably stay to tell him myself that what he did was wrong but I don't have the energy. He will probably deny it but Daniel will probably not."

Grace looked at Joey with a confused expression. "So, why did you come in?"

Joey was quiet for a minute as she looked at the man laying in the bed. "I don't know…"

Grace nodded as Pacey walked over and wheel Joey out of the room. Joey knew Samuel is not her problem and she knew that when he woke up his life would be complete hell.