AN- Don't hate me for this chapter!!! AHH!
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost
February 26, 2002
Joey lay on the bed with Daisy on her chest. She gently rubbed her fingers in the month-old baby's hair as she felt herself wanting to cry. This week had been the longest month of her entire life.
She not only gave birth to a human being but only managed to get a total of twenty hours of sleep since Daisy had been born. The thing was it wasn't even Daisy who was keeping her up. Nobody warns Joey of Postpartum. The effects that it would have on her hormones and her body in general.
One minute Joey was laughing and completely enjoying herself while the next she was silently crying in the shower of something so silly or her fears would get the best of her. Did Daisy get enough to eat? Is she ok right now? Is Joey ruining the baby girl already for staying with Pacey instead of getting her place?
It's not that Pacey didn't help Joey. No, no, no. He did everything for her. He took time off work for the first six weeks and stay by her side. Allowing her to shower, making sure she was eating and drinking water, and even bringing Daisy while she cried. But even with those simple things they weren't close in the way he could kiss or hug her to make it all better. That would make it worse, she didn't want that.
Joey looked at her clock to see it was only thirty minutes since Daisy was last fed. She knew she had almost three hours to catch up on sleep. But just like every other night Joey couldn't sleep.
Instead, she gently picked the little baby up as she got off the bed and sat next to Pacey who was now sleeping on a mattress to help Joey out whenever she needed right next to the crib. She didn't want to wake him up but she needed a break or else her hormones were going to get the best of her.
"Pacey." She whispered as she shook her awake. He surprisingly woke up in a second as he jolted up with a shout saying huh?
Joey looked down and was surprised to see Daisy still asleep in her arms. She looked up at Pacey who had panic look but now one look at him and she started to cry.
Pacey's face turned soft as he took Daisy out of Joey's arm and carefully stood up to put her in her crib. He knew she would wake them up when she was hungry or he hoped so. He went over to Joey and pulled her into his arms.
"I can't do this Pacey." She cried as he rubbed her back. This broke her down even more than calmed her down. He looked at her and wiped her tears with his fingers. She wanted to run away from him. This is what she was not wanting, this is what she was trying to avoid. It was the simple touch that just sent her hormones wild.
He put his forehead on hers and she wrapped her arms around him. He didn't have to say anything. But Daisy only being a baby hated the idea of her parents having a life. So she started to scream. That's when He knew what to do.
"Come on." He whispered as he pulled them off the ground. "What are we doing?" Joey whispered as Pacey led her to the dresser to pack a bag.
"You are getting sleep," Pacey said as he picked out clothes for Daisy, Joey, and himself. Along with diapers, wipes, a pump, and went to Daisy and picked her up and as by her mother's touch, she calmed down.
Pacey held Daisy as they went downstairs to the car. Of course, Joey asked tons of questions but once she realized Pacey wasn't going to answer any of them she got too tired of asking and stopped.
Pacey started to drive and within a minute the whole car was completely silent. He knew where to go at this moment, which was Bessie and Bodie's house.
He knew Joey was falling apart mostly because he knew Joey and heard the sobs in the shower when she was taking showers and his worries would be comforted when she came out with puffy eyes. He knew that if he touched her she would be uncomfortable or he would do something that the two said that they shouldn't do.
In fact, since Daisy's birth Pacey tried his best to not touch Joey but to show that he was just there by doing simple actions. But the moment he heard Joey's sobs in the shower was the moment he felt incomplete. He felt that feeling that he tried so hard to push away. He felt guilt for making her stay with him.
He wanted her so badly to see the world around her but then she was pregnant. So, Boston was out of the picture until he came with her. Got a job, Got an apartment, and stay by her side but did not touch her romantically or sexually. But just the touch and the look in her eyes made him want to say screw it to everything. He knew what he wanted and he will always want her.
So what does he do instead of comforting her in their apartment? He runs to Bessie for help. He could have picked Joey up and wrapped his arms around her as Daisy slept in their apartment for three hours but no. He couldn't bring himself to do that.
When they got to Capeside the next hour, Pacey quietly and quickly got out of the car to see Bessie's arms crossed waiting for them.
"Sorry, I honestly didn't know what to do," Pacey whispered. He didn't say what he was thinking but somehow Bessie got it.
"Hormones are a scary thing for a woman, and sleepless nights are unbearable. Don't worry I'll handle Joey in the morning. Joey's room is not full and I set up Alex's old pack and play so she can sleep here when needed, which I presume would be now?"
Pacey nodded his head as Bessie grabbed his hand softly. "You did the right thing."
Pacey nodded again as he went back to the car and opened Joey's door. He kneeled as softly rubbed her knee.
"Joey." He said as softly woke up. "Mhm..."
"We are at Bessie's."
Joey looked around and unbuckled her seatbelt. "What about Daisy?"
"She is ok, she is in the backseat. I'll get her. Why do you just go to bed."
Joey nodded her head as Pacey got out of her way to let her go inside. He watched her as Bessie hugged Joey and led her into the house. He then went to the back and looked at his sleeping daughter.
"I sure do love your mommy. But I just... I guess I didn't know what to do Day-Day. I mean what can you do?" Pacey said as he softly kissed his daughter's cheek. He picked up the car seat and went inside hopefully and praying he did the right thing.
Joey was sitting on the dock when she woke up with a cup of coffee in her hand. She felt the steam on her face as she put the coffee closer to her cheeks. In the February morning breeze, she felt like it was the most comforting thing she felt in a long time.
She then heard the creak of footsteps behind her. She looks back quickly moving but careful to not spill her coffee to see Bessie behind her.
She smiled at Bessie as she pushed back her hair while her sister sat down. She didn't say anything like the two watched the clear water and Joey could see Dawson's house from a distance. She suddenly wanted to know what Dawson was doing and if he was home for her to knock and talk to him but she forced herself out of those thoughts when Bessie took her hand.
"What's going on?" Bessie whispered. It was a motherly sister kind of sense that made Joey always annoyed at this question but this time it was something she didn't know she needed. "Talk to me," Bessie said a little louder than the whisper that she just said.
"I guess uh, I guess it is harder playing house with Pacey than I thought it was going to be," Joey said and took a sip of her burning hot coffee not caring that it just burnt the top of her mouth.
"What do you mean?" Bessie asked.
"I mean I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with my own life. Like I do the right thing for Daisy and have Pacey with her all the time but I feel like there is a part of me that just doesn't care and wants to just run away as quickly as I can. While the other part of the part of me who wants to show Daisy that her Dad and I can work it even when it's hard... there is this part of me that can't seem to find Bes. No matter how hard I try I feel like I am failing my daughter who is only a month old."
Bessie was quiet for a minute as Joey again took a sip of her coffee and felt guilty for even mentioning this to someone.
"You know having a child is the hardest thing you will ever do with your life and even being with the father of my child doesn't even compare to how you are doing with Pacey. Let me tell you something, the sobs in the shower, the feeling like you aren't doing enough, and the feeling like your child needs more are so so normal. Because even being with Bodie and having to co-parent and be a couple is difficult but having to do it without a romantic is harder. But Joey, Daisy doesn't need to grow up seeing the pain you are going through. Because children, well they catch on to everything."
Joey tucked her head behind her ear and nervously adjusted herself but Bessie stopped her moving by putting her hand under Joey's chin for her to look at her.
"I will say this and I only tell you what to do because you need to know this. Pacey is a great father and a great boy. However, if you want to do what is right for your daughter it's doing what's right for you and as great as Pacey is... Joey, you aren't doing what is right for you. It shows. You need to find your own place and you need to stop walking on eggshells because sis it's not going to get you anywhere."
Joey bit her lip to try not to cry as footsteps were heard behind them without looking. She felt like it was Pacey and sure enough it was. Bessie stood up and walked away giving Pacey a wink as he sat where Bessie was sitting.
Just like the first time they sat on the dock, Pacey pulled Joey in as she cried. Everything has changed since that day but there was a part of them that knew this was a good thing that this needed to happen.
"I need to move out," Joey whispered.
"You do?" Pacey asked but didn't want to move to hold her still in comfort. But Joey move out of his arms as she looked at him.
"Yeah, I do. I thought it would be for the best that we live together but it's been a month and I feel like I'm suffocating and I just... I just can't live like it because well Bessie told me if I am doing all of this just for Daisy. I should teach her that it's ok for moms and dads to live apart and to find the balance in co-parenting. That's just because we have a kid together... doesn't mean we have to fake this happy family setting. I am tired of living in my
fragile step. I don't want to feel like I am being held back or I'm holding you back. I just... I just can't."
Pacey sighs as he rubbed his hands on his face and looked at Joey. "I honestly just want you to be happy..."
Joey gave him a gentle smile as she softly took his hand like she did the last night before the summer started. The night that they didn't know that within the next three months he would be back talking about their baby.
The two didn't say anything but Joey knew Pacey was going to be ok with her moving. It was like a silent agreement that this had to change.
"I know you do," Joey whispered.
Later that day Joey knocked on Leery's door. She hoped that Gail was home because honestly she just wanted the comfort she had when she was growing up but instead of seeing Gail she was surprised to see Dawson holding Lily.
"Oh, hey," Dawson said with a smile. "I didn't know you were in town."
"Yeah, I am in town because well... life. What are you doing in town?"
"I got a break for a couple of weeks. I will go back in March."
"Oh, I didn't know you got that long of a break."
"I don't," Dawson said with a shrug. He then walked into the living room and put Lily in her playpen as she played with her toys. The little baby girl was definitely bigger than the last time she was over.
Dawson then surprises Joey with a hug and Joey lets him hug her. It was probably about a minute-long hug until Lily started screaming which caused Dawson to jump and help her.
"So, what are you doing here?" Dawson asked as he sat with Lily.
"Uh, well... I had a meltdown over feeling trapped in the apartment last night and Pacey took me home to Bessie at three in three mornings."
"Are you better now?"
Joey shrugged as she sat down next to him. "I just wish... I just wish things could get easier, you know?"
"I do. I mean... I am even thinking about quitting film school and going to Boston."
"You are?"
"Yeah, I mean... Grams told me I could move with them if I wanted to so it's not like I would be completely alone."
"How are your parents taking the news?"
"Dad is disappointed, and Mom, well she is just trying to calm down Dad."
Joey chuckled at the picture in her mind. She could perfectly imagine all that.
"Besides how hard parenting is for you, how is Daisy doing?"
"She is adorable. She has the biggest blue eyes I have ever seen. She only wants me when she cries which is hard but she still has a full hair of blackish-brown curls, so I just rub my fingers through her hair and she just stops crying like that. One time I was laughing at something I can't remember what it was but I look down and I see Daisy smiling at me."
"I bet you are a great mom."
Joey sightly blushed as she pushed her hair back. She felt like a kid as she felt Dawson's eyes on her. She looked down and when she looked back up she was surprised to find Dawson getting closer to her till their lips touch. But she honestly felt nothing but there was a part of her that just needed this.
April 15, 2002
"Is that everything?" Pacey said as he put the last box in Joey's new apartment.
"I believe so," Joey said as she looked around. "Daisy has to take a nap or else I would make you unpack with me."
Pacey gave her a grin as she looked at Daisy who was in her bouncer and Joey could tell that the baby needed a nap by her little yawn. "Well, I mean I could come by later.."
"Well, I can get it tomorrow when Dais is with you. Plus uh Dawson is helping me out." Joey said while picking up Daisy.
"He is?"
"Yeah, he is moving in with uh Grams." Joey nervously said as she looked away from Pacey's eyes. In fear that he will catch on to what she is going to say.
"You know you can tell me if you and Dawson are together, Joey. I'm not going to be upset with you."
"When we went to Capeside, I visited Dawson and he sort of kissed me."
"I...oh, look. If anybody understands the various shades of gray here, it's me, and I think it's time the two of you got your shot... because the way I see it, I shouldn't be mad over it it's not my place to be Jo and this world could use as many Romeo and Juliet's as it can get."
"And look what happened to them," Joey whispered.
Pacey smiled and walked over to Joey who without thinking held her breath as he walked over to her. His smell formed her nose as she watched him kiss Daisy goodbye. "Bye, Day Day. I love you."
Joey smiled and she walked to the back room where Daisy and her bedroom were. Pacey watched them leave and put his hands on his face.
"Why the hell did I say that?" He murmured over his breath and as he walked towards the front door but as soon as he put his hand on the door it was opening at the same time. The next time Pacey felt hot coffee spilling everywhere on him and Dawson's voice saying he was sorry.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry."
Pacey looked at Dawson with a glare but Dawson didn't seem to notice or care. But Pacey cared about Dawson being there and Pacey honestly just wanted to punch the heck out of him.
"It's fine," Pacey said through gritted teeth. Careful to not make any angry comments or moves that would express over wise.
Joey then walked out and noticed Dawson standing there with Pacey coffee spilled all over him. He looked pissed off as hell and Joey gulped realizing that her moment of honesty a few minutes ago was probably not a good idea for Dawson. Pacey looked at her and smiled but it was only on his mouth rather than his smile. She knew it wasn't the coffee but Dawson sure seemed to think so.
Pacey shrugged him off and walked out the door leaving Dawson standing there in astonishment.
"What was that?" Dawson asked with a laugh. "I mean I just accidentally spilled coffee over him... That's it."
Joey then wished she had a couch to flop herself but realized she still needed to get one. She suddenly wished she could run after Pacey but knew she shouldn't. He will be back soon to get Daisy tomorrow but it probably wouldn't even be talked about because that's what she and Pacey did. Do things rather than talk about how it made them feel.
"I kind of told him about us..." Joey whispered as she picked up a box and put it on the kitchen counter.
"Oh, uh you did?"
"Yeah, I mean if you can call that kiss us. I mean I don't really know. I love you, Dawson but Pacey I love and care for him. I can't hide this from him-"
Joey stopped at the sudden movement Dawson made to pull him towards her. Joey suddenly had the thought that if it were Pacey he would have pulled her onto the counter and made out with her til Daisy woke up. But the moment she realized it was Dawson she stopped.
"We all need to figure this out," Dawson said as he pushed Joey's hair back and out of her face. "Pacey will figure it out, and we will figure it out."
Joey stared into Dawson's eyes. "I love you, Joey."
"I love you too, Dawson."