Don't worry readers who dislike gender bending. Soon, it shall end. Part way through this chapter, and then next chapter back to Saw.

I felt a pressure in my face. Then something bumped, and there was a stabbing pain in my head. Then I started to see again.

I looked up. I was in a car. We were going down a road, really fast. My head was regrowing, tendrils of matter refilling, worming their way. I was being restored.

I looked over. Ethan. Thank god, I was safe. My-

I blinked. I needed to know what drugs I had been on. I opened my status screen.

Perk list!

Noting your frustration at not having available all of your perk points, for your satisfaction and pleasure, all of the perks of your character were balanced out with negatives from your character's backstory. You get to be the hero, free of charge.

Suicidal depression. Broken by your time locked in with the homicidal Baker family, your sanity has started to slip, and you are very willing to kill yourself. 200 points.

Mental collapse. Years of psychic trauma and abuse have left your mind fractured and vulnerable to psychic influence. 500 points.

Desperate for her family. All that time away from your family has left you with a crippling loneliness, and a willingness to do anything to stay with them. 300 points.

And my benefits.

Inhuman strength. 50 points.

Psychic network. 50 points.

Almost perfect regeneration. 500 points.

Super speed. 100 points.

Super spy. 100 points.

Super scientist. 100 points.

Master gun slinger. 100 points.

I skimmed over them. They were strong. It kinda made sense I hadn't been doing well mentally lately. Tier 1 mental resistance wasn't really enough for suicidal depression or mental collapse. What was up with gamer's mind anyway-

Gamer's mind. (disabled) Previously a resistance to mental effects of 10%, a superior psychic has now cracked this. Meditation and a few weeks of rest can restore this.

Sure, the zombies would definitely wait a couple weeks for me to heal. I hadn't expected this gamer's mind thing to be perfect. It was just the apprentice version, the basic version. I had hoped not to be hit this hard this early on.

And look, the party system.

Forceful action has unlocked the party system early! By inviting people into your party you can track their location, communicate to them afar, and with a close enough relationship, bring them into other worlds.

I looked at my message inbox. 120 missed messages. Crap. I didn't seem to be mind controlled, it was a pheremone based system, but they had managed to join my party before I suicided.

Mommy, why are you going?

Mommy, why?

Mommy I hate you.

Mommy you bitch.

Mommy it hurts.

Mommmmy!

Was she my daughter? I was pretty sure all my positive feelings for her was just because of this family bond and how close we were. I felt this was too late to ask Ethan if this was my daughter. Was this a daring mission by him to rescue his wife and child, or just me?

I really wished these characters came with a cutscene backstory or something. Not just being chained in a stinky room.

Just in case, I sent her a message. "Mommy is just going to buy you cake ingredients. She'll be back soon. Whilst I'm gone behave."

"But I want a cake now!"

"We all do, princess. We all do."

"What sort of cake?"

"It's a surprise. But it's filled with my love. And meaty fleshy and blood."

"Yay, my favourite!"

And I closed my video game mobile phone. There was a flashing box and I willed it. My head still hurt from when my gamer's mind collapsed. If I focused I could feel those broken gears and metal and flesh that I had seen in the vision. They were very slowly pulling together. A mental image of my power? Or reality, and what it actually looked like? I dunno.

"Ethan?" I said. "I'm alive!"

"Mia?" He said. "Mia, you're awake. I'm so glad. I was worried you were dead but you just… healed. They screamed at us when we drove away. We're finally out. We're free.

I looked up. There was a meter above my head. Mutation corruption level. 6%

"You're free. Maybe you should go… but I'm infected. I'll have to go back. There might be a cure there."

He paused for a long time, gripping the wheel ever so tightly. The wooden paneling shook as he drove. Then he swerved in the road, kicking up dust.

"Let's go." He said, with no emotion. Dude was stone cold. He had killed me, saved me, and did it all without raising a fuss. I needed some of that.

I put my hand on his. "Woah, woah. No. Not yet. First we load up."

I'm a British lad. I love tea, the queen, and the NHS which lets us avoid all of the issues of the Saw films. In 1996 there was a school shooting in Dunblane, and for all but farmers and rich collectors, our gun access was cut off.

Such is not true in America. In there you can go to Walmart and load up on weapons. I had a large account with lots of money in it for some reason, so we loaded up. Regardless of your views on gun control, I think fungi zombies with magical mind control powers is a solid reason to get a lot of guns. In a world with Jigsaws, Jasons, Freddies, zombies, why not always go packing everywhere?

We got more than that. Ethan was a mechanical genius. He could rip things apart like no one's business and make them better than new. We got a load of stuff for bomb equipment, and as much anti fungals as we could carry. Working under him was… educational. I leveled up crafting a lot. Working under a master grade crafter apparently sped up exp gain a lot. Being near them made my skin itch, which was a good sign. I was a fungi zombie monster, so it worked.

I also got a full hazmat suit, gas mask and all. If I was super vulnerable to pheromones, why not just avoid it all? I got a blowtorch, slash proof body armor, tasers, heavy chains, a portable generator. I got some advanced computers and technology that was decades or centuries in advance of what I had today. I got everything. I even got cake.

I had some heavy debuffs. But with careful management I could avoid them. Stay close to Ethan, safe and protected, don't get in a suicidal situation, don't get exposed to any pheromones.

And off we went.

I got the sense that this mansion wasn't designed to be a co-op game. It looked like the game was built like the old ones. Very resident evil 1 esque, with a haunted mansion filled with traps and monsters. The monster variety was shit- the family members and some goo monsters- but that was fine.

It was also a little Resident Evil Nemesis styled. There were immortal family members roaming the house waiting to kill you. I'd met them all in my 1024 loops.

There was Jack. He was a balding, bearded man with anger issues and a love for heavy weapons. He regenerated really fast and chased you down smashing things. There was very little ammo in the house, and poor Ethan, who I suspected was the protagonist, would have to avoid him or use his scarce ammo to stagger him.

I myself had hundreds of rounds of shotgun ammo on me. It wasn't an issue. I simply blasted him in the head a few times till he stopped moving. He was super slow.

There was Marguerite. Creepy old woman, obsessed with feeding guests, spat insects at you if you insulted her cooking. She wasn't that tough, but it was freaky seeing her ugly mug appear in front of you.

There was Lukas. He was a creepy tinker who made explosives and traps and fire. Wander into his traps and he'd fuck you up. The jigsaw of the show.

Thanks to my disease sense and two shotguns, he was less of an issue.

And there was the worst of the worst. The true villain of the family.

Zoe Baker. Physically, the weakest of the villains, she would ring phones in the house and try to guide you to places. All to help. Then her family members would sneak up on you and fuck you up. She had sent me up to the attic to escape, right into the waiting hands of her daddy, Jack. She refused to tell you about her invincible family members or her sadistic family members, or anything useful really. She was the worst.

I had a plan for all of them. But first, we needed to prep.

We had bought self powered wifi enabled cameras. We slotted them everywhere we went, searching through the house. I tended to stand guard while he went crawling in small places.

After a lot of work, and a lot of effort to appease Evie, my new penpal, I had managed to get to the bottom of my quest list. Whilst we explored the house I had been texting her through the party system repeatedly. She was a nice girl. Shame she got captured by these psychotic infected hillbillies. She just wanted to be a child and I was pretty sure we were not biologically related, but she didn't seem to be at all hostile, and I felt great about her and her kind behaviour.

Anyway, I had a list of 32 collectibles to find, each with a perk reward. Video tapes, coins, all sorts of random crap. 20 more for smashing Mr Everywhere Statuettes, another 33 for collecting old coins, and 25 for each Baker family member I defeated, except Zoe. There were three other missions. One was to kill some mystery figure, the big boss, for fifty points- name was greyed out, I assumed Zoe when she assumed her final tentacled form. Another was 25 for curing me and a mystery figure, I assumed Evie.

At one point I found a tape. Turns out Lukas had picked up a camera crew, Clancy being one of the members, and had put him through a torturous series of Saw style challenges. After heading back to the opening dungeon, we used the VHS there to play it.

Do you want to enter Birthday? Y/N?

I checked my inventory. One shotgun, loaded. A tool kit, for repairs and such. A blowtorch and gas. A backup pistol. Medicine. Tactical armor. Climbing gear. Electronics warfare gear. All check.

"This looks fun. Let's watch it." I said, and pressed y.

Computer levels gained! Shooting levels gained! Crafting levels gained!

I was tied up- and I had a penis again! Yes, victory. Lukas was above me, his skin pale and uncanny valley, his black hair short, his nose massive, and his beard stubbly. My hands were tied. Well. This wasn't the best situation to wake up in. Not the worst either. At least I wasn't handcuffed to a pipe. Amateur hour.

"You, my friend. You are one lucky son of a bitch."

"I am. What's my prize?" I asked.

Ignoring me, he continued on. "You know, I actually envy you. What, you don't believe me?"

He leaned in over me, his disgusting corpse pallor all on top.

"This joy, you can't fake this."

"Smile through this mother fucker." I flexed my muscles and-

Strength check failed!

"Was that meant to do something?" He asked. Oh yeah. I wasn't super strong any more.

He grabbed me by my legs and dragged me into a heavy steel door. It was a bumpy ride.

"It's taken me weeks to finish this, and it's finally ready. And it's all for you."

"Thank you. I got you a present too." I gathered saliva in my mouth, and spat up, landing some in his eyes. He laughed madly, and spat at me in return. Ew.

He slid a knife through my hand bonds, kneeing down to my eye level.

"Oh come on now, don't be like that." In his southern drawl. "It's gonna be fun. Just you wait." I went to punch him, but he took it, slapped me to the ground, and walked out, locking the door again. I got up slowly, shaking my head.

I was in a dark creepy room, and- ooh, behind me. There was a weird corpse thing with a candle in it's hand. It was black, had a veiny chest, clown hair, was leaning over a table with books and nails and stuff on them. I looked behind it. Some nice robotics work. I looked at the candle. I guess I'm meant to take this? In this video game vision quest.

I yanked it away. I wandered through the wooden halls and saw a birthday cake with lights on it, and candles. The goal was to get this candle to it maybe?

Wisdom check, 16/14. Success! Sprinkler system up above.

I glanced up. So, I had to keep the candle lit, and get it past there? I looked around near me for something useful. After a little wandering I smelt a toilet, and went and yanked the cover off. Covers were so great. Using that as a water barrier, I walked my candle in past the sprinkler system, getting inside, and was about to put the candle in when-

Deathly intent detected! I looked around. A camera system. Maybe I shouldn't just randomly stick this here. I triggered my outside the box perk. The cake is a lie.

That wasn't good. My Dungeon Eye perk wasn't working that well with the shitty light. I was glad I had Death's Calling.

Like the heavens answering, lights flicked on above. I saw all.

There was a cake- and shaking the water from my nose, I could now smell a hint of dynamite, probably thanks to me having 16 wisdom now. Trap. Up above were paper party things. There was a big water tank to my right, and further round on my right a cabinet with a voodoo lock on it and some hanging stars.

A voice played. Lukas'

"I'm calling the game, I'd really like to make it out of this room alive, and not die a horrible painful death. I know. It's a hack title. Take the candle, light it, and put it on the cake. And remember to smile! The party is for you!"

Ok. A trap made to kill me.

You didn't trap me. I trapped you.

There was a central kitchen room with the locked steel door, kitchen junk, and some monitors- 300 HP, 300 armor, unbreakable because video game logic, with a bunch of kitchen supplies, along with a second door tied with rope. In front of it was the birthday room with the cake. To the right was a toilet.

I went to start gathering resources. I went to the toilet first. Hmm. My disease control sensed diseases in there. Ooh, I could now infect people with E-Coli! And I leveled up again, to level 4 disease control. Nothing in the back. Saw, you lied to me, people don't always hide things in toilet water tanks? I checked in the toilet, pushing my hand through the black goo. A telescope. I'm sorry Saw, no film has ever portrayed reality more accurately than you. Above it were some toiletry and cabinets, and some black shower curtain plastic junk. There was some wood in the room behind it, a step ladder, some furniture covered up. Some sort of pipe blowing stuff, which gave me an ominous feeling from my dungeon eye perk.

I turned back to my prize. A telescope. Now I could star gaze my way out.

I wandered back to the cake room, and went to play with the locked cabinet. It was wall mounted, but I managed to rip it off the wall easily enough, and there at the back were some screws, which I managed to unscrew with some delicate finger work and a dex roll. Amateur hour. Inside was some spooky voodoo thing on a stick. I took the voodoo thing, because, why not?

There was a locked door in the corner of the main kitchen room, locked with rope. And guess what, I had a knife right here! I smashed the telescope, used the glass as a knife, and sliced it.

Inside was a creepy room filled with lots of balloons, and one yellow one. At the end of a hallway was another lock, again a roller.

I slowly turned it. With each turn there was click but there-

L. That click was slightly higher pitched. Something coming into place. One by one, I turned the tumblers, unlocking the door by sound. My enhanced observation and wisdom made it's child's play.

This is why you don't use locks that make sounds. L. O. S. E. R. Mean code, Lukas. Lukas, why won't you love me?

Inside the room was a wheel. It would fit on the pipe shut off valve in the birthday room, I think. I mean, I could turn off the water, but why not just cover up the candle?

I wandered a while more, but didn't discover anything else in that area, beyond some more cabinets.

I wondered what the plan was here. I wandered back to the birthday room, and checked out the big water tub-

Ah. That was oil, not water, from the smell. So, I was supposed to remove that, get oil everywhere, light the cake, and boom? No water. That wasn't happening.

I still had something to do with the balloon.

Moving the covered black item of furniture nearby to serve as a makeshift bomb shield, I stuck the balloon on the pipe near the toilet, and stepped behind the furniture item. It grew, and grew, and grew spikey, and exploded. Out came a pen and nails. That would have pierced me if I had stood there.

It felt weird being this wise. Intelligence gave me new options, but wisdom just let me see the dangers early. I could avoid obvious traps, think things through. I didn't feel an urge to smash my head on a wall. Life was good.

It was time for a trap.

First, I removed my electronic gear. Included in that bag (and the game was not flexible enough to let me combine bags of stuff, I had tried that) was a powerful jammer. It would make any cameras go haywire. I turned it on.

Then, I gathered up all the nails.

Going to the creepy skeleton thing, I went to work on that as well. It was There was a sophisticated mechanical robot system, but a little bit of work with my laptop was able to reprogram that.

I then got to work on the cake bomb. There were three wires, one of them red, one green, one blue. Which one to cut?

None of them. Contrary to movies, bomb makers were not obliged to label their bomb wires. They could also install anti tampering circuits which detected if you cut any wires. Real bomb defusers used x ray scanners and robots and other sophisticated pieces of equipment to break these. I did not harm these items on hand.

There was a little give in the wires. I had tested it from far away of course, behind dragged furniture. I could make this work.

Time to set the trap.

Lukas rushed in. All his cameras had gone offline. He quickly locked the door and headed for the birthday room. The cake was now sitting on the lap of the puppet he had made. The room hadn't burned, but oil was on the floor. As he entered, a tape started playing.

"You're a sad, hillbilly asshole. All your life you think of nothing but murder, torture, and being an asshole. You'll never move up in the world. But there is hope for you yet. Embrace the salvation of Jesus Christ, stop leaving creepy voodoo shit around the house kneel and pray for forgiveness, and you may get out of this alive."

"Where are you, asshole?" He said, ignoring the tape, turning back.

And as he crossed my motion sensor a second time, the puppet lunged at head height, where a praying man would have been safe. In one hand was the sharpened pen that had rammed out from the balloon, in the other the voodoo doll.

"The cake is a lie, the cake is a lie" A tape in it screamed, as it stabbed him again and again, with brutish strength.

Then on it's chest the cake, laden with nails, exploded as the wires had been ripped free. Just as Lukas intended, the door slammed shut, and the floor ignited into flames.

Lukas reached into his pocket, pulling out an emergency opening switch- jammed by me. I watched from beyond the door as he burned and burned.

After a while I went in. He was badly burnt, exhausted, but still regenerating. The burnt corpse was on top of him.

"That's what you get for all your voodoo shit." I shouted at him, pointing my finger. "You get a creepy clown stabbing you!"

It was time for my master plan. Dropping the pistol and the shotgun out of my inventory, since I had backups in the real world. I blasted him twice in the head with the shotgun, sending flecks of burnt flesh out, and reached forward to draw his corpse into my inventory.

Temporal paradox. Emergency egress.

I forced my will into it, drawing him in, him too weak to resist me. Almost there-

And I was back in Mia's body. I gasped.

You couldn't dupe items. I'd tried. If you took something from one loop into your inventory, it stayed in there the next loop. And there he was in mine, slowly regenerating, and not out there being an asshole.

For an intelligent, time violating plan, you have gained +1 int. For executing an ironic trap that the user can escape but failed to, you have gained 6 perk points.

One baker down. Three to go.

I looked down at my body. I hated being a living corpse.

For completing a challenge in another body, you have unlocked skins! For three perk points you can adopt the skin of someone you control, allowing you to customize your appearance. 3 points per skin.

Yes! About time.

I never could work out why they had so much voodoo shit lying around. What was up with that? And if the Baker family was zombie infected recently, why did they have secret passages everywhere? And yes, Zoe was not my favourite. She helped a bit I guess, but she could have done a lot more. And she led you into traps. Really, 1/10 score on aide on a phone. Would not recommend. Mia wasn't great either, but at least she tried to send some messages explaining things. I feel more people in life should record surprise VHSs for their relatives to find.

Also, I actually have a full hazmat suit now, in preparation for Coronavirus going big. I have gloves and a mask and goggles ready, because there was a virus infection near me. Resident Evil irl, here we come. Remember, blue side of the mask outwards. You look badass in them, as does Mia.

Good to get back to a Saw trap again. I tried his other boss fights, but they were either shoot at glowing blobs or shoot fat people and bombs. This was clearly Lukas' best moment, and the best boss fight. I would love a birthday like that.

Acespeed Ninja. You have been hit up.

Zackman2k12. Thank you, I try.

Dr Cookie Cutter. He is resistant to getting HIV from random dirty needles, though falling in a pit of dirty needles might count as an uncommon scenario. He is not poison resistant, but there is a way from this story for him to become so. Can you guess what he's gonna do?

Toobad69. I do intend to continue this. I was gonna make this one grand chapter, but then I had fun ideas, and so it's split into two.

Thorison1080. SCP could be great fun, any favourite SCPS that weren't included you'd like to see around? My favourite is SCP 1322.

Guest. I know, I feel weird. More games need to offer co-op.

Maff. Bye bye then.

PhantomAnatomy. He would very quickly level up shooting in overwatch. He would do absolutely terribly for a long time and die many many deaths, but eventually he would get good. They have crazy advanced technology as well, and he currently has no way to really handle that. He could try to set up traps but most would probably rip through them.

Gatling2745. Yep, he can survive infections pretty well. Ebola or coronachan could slay him, but he's not dying to anything common, and even against rarer things he would need a heavy dose to get infected. Thanks for all the praise! And yeah stealth isn't that useful because Jigsaw and Amanda are always watching and make linear puzzles with only one route forward.

Anon. Great idea. Silent hill is a great high level quest. He can face god level beings.

Guest. I would enjoy seeing if he could prevent the apocalypse.

Anyway, see you next story. We'll be back to Saw soon, so any ideas for Saw 2 are appreciated in reviews.