I saw Black Widow! I absolutely adored it, but no spoilers in the reviews, just in case people haven't seen it yet :)
Also I just wanted to say that I know we've been dealing with some heavy themes lately, and I'm sorry if that has had any negative impact on any of you guys - I have really admired those reviewers who have shared their own stories of struggling with mental health/feeling like they couldn't tell anyone. Trust me, I've been there, and hopefully (prob not this chapter, but later down the line) this story can help even a little bit. Look after yourselves! x
April, 2014
Avengers Tower Kitchen
"What's up, Steve? Is this about what Nat and Clint found at that HYDRA base?"
Steve, who had just sat opposite Tony and Maggie at one of the dining tables in the common area kitchen, hesitated. They'd gotten back from D.C. a few days ago, and it had been a busy time of analyst meetings, figuring out ways to track the Scepter, and Maggie and Tony working on redesigns for the team uniforms, weapons, and transport. It was good to keep busy.
Steve cleared his throat. "Uh, no. They found some hard drives, which are with analysis now, but that can wait. I've actually been thinking-"
"Don't hurt yourself," Tony said as he stole fries off Maggie's plate.
"Tony," she chided half heartedly. Things were still tense between him and Steve.
Steve pressed on. "What do you two think about Bucky being let out of his cell?"
Tony huffed a laugh as he finished off Maggie's fries, then looked into Steve's face. "Oh, you're serious," he realized. "Easy: no."
"Obviously not without restrictions," Steve said hurriedly. "But Dr Raynor says that Bucky will improve if he's allowed as much normality as possible, and I'm thinking that if he's allowed to go out from time to time - within the Tower, and under guard - and maybe meet other people, that… might be good for him."
"Steve," Maggie said, putting her hand on Tony's arm when she sensed him formulating something scathing. "I know things have gone well with you two, but Barnes is a danger. He could snap at any moment-"
"But he hasn't," Steve insisted, leaning forward. "He's doing so well, and even when he - when he gets confused, he's not violent. I'm not saying he doesn't pose a risk, but I think we can contain that risk even if he's out of the cell. I'll be with him 100% of the time, and there's J.A.R.V.I.S., and-"
"Absolutely not," she cut him off. The idea of Barnes stepping out of that cell made her skin crawl.
Steve looked frustrated. "Is there another facility he could move to, then? I understand it's difficult for you here-"
"He's not leaving this Tower."
"Then you have to consider allowing Bucky some progress, Maggie," Steve said firmly, making her eyebrows rise. He hadn't been so direct with her about this in a while. "Even prisoners get time out of their cells."
"Most prisoners aren't-" Tony began, but Steve held up a hand.
"I know what Bucky can do. We all know. And I know that you have trouble trusting me right now, which is fine, but Bucky… he's so willing to punish himself that he doesn't see how being trapped in that cell is affecting him." His brows came together. "He hasn't seen the sun in over two months."
Maggie couldn't bear the pleading look on his face. She stood up and walked out, leaving Tony and her food behind.
I can't have this, she told herself. I need to be in control.
Steve didn't give up. Maggie avoided him for several days as he tried to bring up the topic again and again, and screened all phone calls from Sam, who she had no doubt Steve had converted to his side. Tony also avoided the subject at all costs, locking himself in his workshop. Maggie couldn't handle the workshop for too long before panic crawled up her spine, so she had to be more creative.
She was downstairs in her office in the Stark Industries part of the building one morning, catching up on admin and emailing various contract holders, when her door swung open.
"Ms Stark." Doctor Raynor stood in the doorway in her usual sensible business wear. Steve stood behind her, looking slightly sheepish. "You've been ignoring my calls."
"It's been a busy time," Maggie said evenly, as her eyes narrowed. "Steve didn't tell me you were coming in today."
"I'm not here to see James," Raynor said as she walked in and sat down on one of the nice leather seats facing Maggie's desk. Steve followed her in, shooting an apologetic glance at Maggie. "I'm here to speak to you."
Maggie's hackles rose. "I don't need your help."
Raynor's eyebrow cocked. "That's not what I meant. I'm here to speak to your in your capacity as… well, as the person who makes the ultimate decision regarding the conditions of James's imprisonment."
Maggie glared at Steve. "I thought we talked about this."
"I'm not here to ambush you, Maggie," he said with his hands out. "But I think you should hear what Dr Raynor has to say."
Maggie turned to the psychiatrist. "When I brought you in, you said you understood the need for Barnes's imprisonment."
"I still do," Raynor said frankly. "And I agree that James should be monitored and separated from the public. But that cell isn't necessary to achieve that purpose any more. James has about as much desire to be amongst the general public as I do to push pins into my eyes. He doesn't want to hurt people," she said with a firm look. "And I understand that what he wants may not always be what he gets, but I think the time for the four walls and the locked door has come to an end."
"So what are you suggesting instead?"
Raynor sat back. "Captain Rogers has told me there are certain levels of the Tower restricted to Avengers residents. I understand it's a big ask to bring the former Winter Soldier into your home, but James needs space and interaction outside of his cell. I'd start with a restricted walk with Captain Rogers, with whatever security measures you think appropriate, and potentially build up to allowing him to explore those levels of the Tower with a guide whenever he feels up to it."
Maggie kept her silence, switching her glare from Steve to Raynor periodically.
"James is making good progress," Raynor went on. "Remarkably good progress, considering the decades he spent under the most intensive regime of thought conditioning and targeted brain damage that I've ever heard of. But as it stands, his close-quarters imprisonment is only triggering him more. I understand you know a bit about how he was stored when HYDRA didn't have need of him."
The metal tomb with that single glass window, frosted over. Maggie's stomach turned and she shifted in her seat. It's not the same, she told herself.
For a few moments she ground her teeth together, trying to think of a way to argue with the grim-faced doctor. But she could see her point. And yet the idea of it made her feel like hiding under her desk and screaming. Finally, she looked sharply across at the other woman. "Do you know what he did? Did he tell you?"
Raynor looked back at her evenly. "As ever, whatever I am told falls under doctor-patient confidentiality."
"That's bullshit, you've told me a whole lot of shit just now that's gotta be covered under patient confidentiality."
"In an effort to afford James some empathy," Raynor explained calmly. "Which I understand is a lot to ask. Particularly from you," she said in a softer voice. There's my answer, Maggie realized. "I can't tell you how to feel. And I know the situation is an uncomfortable one in many ways. I'm only telling you what I think is the best move here, in my capacity as a mental health professional." She spread her hands. "James is a person. And people aren't meant to sit in cages."
A long silence passed as Maggie stared down at her glass desk. She could feel Steve watching her, and Raynor politely not watching her.
Finally, she let out a breath. "Just a walk," she said, looking up. "You take him out of the cell and up the fire stairs to the common room, but not on any other levels or areas. Steve, you'll be with him the entire time, and - and Thor. And Barnes wears the Manacles." Steve nodded along as she talked, his eyes bright.
"Manacles?" Raynor questioned.
"A restraining device I designed," she explained. "They look like bracelets, but they'll paralyse the wearer if they go more than 300 feet from whoever has the control chip, and J.A.R.V.I.S can remotely activate them."
"That sounds like a very sensible precaution," Ryanor nodded. "And I know it will ease many of James's concerns."
"This is great, Maggie, thank you," Steve said.
"I do trust you, Steve," she said, feeling drained. "It's just… all it would take is one slip."
"I know," he said seriously. "And so does Bucky. We'll be safe."
Maggie turned to Raynor. "You really think this is the right move?"
Raynor didn't answer immediately. She looked back at Maggie for a few seconds, her brow heavy and her eyes considering. "You know why I got into psychiatry?" she eventually asked.
Maggie shrugged.
"I was a soldier. A medic, actually. But after a few tours, I realized that as good as I was at putting people's bodies back together, more often than not it was their minds that really tore them apart. I could keep a man from bleeding out, but I couldn't keep him from giving up on himself." She sighed. "So once I got back, I retrained. And now I work with some of the most complex cases of PTSD known to the field."
Raynor leaned forward. "I understand you're concerned about the physical danger James poses. And that is not an insignificant danger. There's still a lot neither he nor I understands about how he was conditioned. But currently, his outbursts are defensive in nature - he's dangerous when he feels he is in danger. And that's an emotional response that triggers a learned cognitive behaviour. James needs to relearn the ways he responds to fear, and he can only do that by pushing his limits, by exposing himself to different people and things. So he can come to trust himself. There's a right way and a wrong way to do that, but I think he's ready for that next step. Most of all, James needs to take responsibility for his own healing. And he can't do that when he's locked in a cell."
Maggie sighed and rubbed her forehead. Tony's not going to be happy. "Okay. Then we'd better start figuring this out."
"You want to do what?"
Tony looked at Maggie as if she'd lost her mind when she explained what she was planning.
"I don't like it either," she said, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall of his workshop. "And I won't be involved with it, beyond making sure he can't do any harm. But Dr Raynor and Steve say that this is what needs to happen, and… I rely on them to tell me the truth."
He scowled. "So what, you're just giving up?"
"Giving up what, Tony? I mean, really?" She gestured at him. "You and I, we're hardly prison wardens. We're not cops, and we're not judges-"
"Maybe not," he said, "but we are victims, and I'm allowed to be angry about this."
"Fine," she said shortly. "We're agreed, then."
He stared back at her for a long few moments, until:
He nodded once. "Fine."
Cell A
Bucky Barnes stood in front of the heavy cell door, a cold sweat sticking to the back of his neck and two silver bands around his wrists. Tiny LED lights glowed green on the bands.
At first, he'd been against the whole idea of being let out of the cell. He understood the rules and the limits in here, and he could be sure that he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone. It had become comfortable. But Raynor, damn her, was determined to push him out of his comfort zone.
Bucky glanced over his shoulder at the woman. She sat in her usual chair, hands in her lap and her expression steady. She wasn't coming with him. You need to do this yourself, James, she'd said.
He'd been more reassured when they explained the Manacles to him - he checked the glowing green LEDs again, just in case - and said that he'd be accompanied by Steve and Thor. Plus J.A.R.V.I.S. watching, able to remotely activate the Manacles. Steve stood beside him now, his posture purposefully casual.
"Whenever you're ready, Buck," Steve murmured.
"Okay," Bucky breathed. "I'm ready."
On J.A.R.V.I.S.'s silent command, the door slid open. Cooler air rushed in from the corridor outside, and for a few moments Bucky was frozen. This cell had been his home for two months. The outside world felt almost incomprehensible.
But then he was moving. He stepped out, his feet - covered only by socks - pressing against the cool floor of the corridor. He felt cold, but… the fear was manageable. Steve stepped with him, a reassuring presence by his side.
Bucky looked around, taking in entrances and exits and angles as a tactical reflex, and his eyes zeroed in on a large blonde man and a slender, dark haired woman a few yards away. The large blonde man wore regular clothes, but they seemed strange on him.
The man inclined his head and his long hair fell forward over his shoulders. "Sergeant Barnes," he said in a clear-carrying, welcoming voice. "It is my honor to meet you."
Bucky looked to Steve, who just shrugged.
"Hi," Bucky said, his voice strangely croaky. "You really an alien?"
Thor shrugged. "You are an alien to me."
"This is Maria Hill," Steve said with a nod to the woman. "Head of Avengers Operations."
Bucky's eyes fell on the woman. She said nothing, and he said nothing in return.
"Shall we?" Steve said, gesturing down the grey-toned corridor. Bucky nodded, and Steve set off.
The detention level was a lot like his cell: all sturdy walls and no windows, purposefully designed to be contained and closed off. They made a strange walking group, the four of them, but Bucky did not feel hostility from either Thor or Hill, strangely. Merely curiosity. He focused on what he'd talked about with Raynor: focusing on himself, on noticing and acknowledging his reactions to new people and new situations. Being polite where he could when spoken to, but not sacrificing his comfort.
They reached a concrete stairwell, and Steve led them upward. They climbed two floors before stepping out into another corridor, this one sleeker and with artwork on the walls. But Bucky's eyes were drawn instantly to the window at the other end of the corridor.
"Holy cow."
No one stopped him as he paced toward the floor-to-ceiling window. He could feel the others trailing him, but for once he didn't mind putting them at his back.
He was in New York. He'd known that already, since Steve had explained about Avengers Tower and all, but he hadn't properly realized it until he saw it laid out before him. They had to be eighty stories up: from here he could see the forest of skyscrapers in Manhattan with thousands of windows gleaming in the afternoon sun. The sunlight hurt Bucky's eyes, it was so bright, but he couldn't look away. People and cars rushed in all directions on the streets far below, and birds wheeled high in the sky. Beyond the skyscrapers he could see the slow-moving river, and beyond that…
"Brooklyn's changed a fair bit since our day," came Steve's voice over Bucky's shoulder.
"I… remember it," Bucky said, his eyes on the city across the river. "I remember we saw it from the Empire State."
He could sense Steve's smile. "The Starks built this Tower to be taller than the Empire State. So the view goes a little further."
At the mention of the Starks, Bucky's wonder at the city he remembered growing up in faded. He took a step back from the window, and turned to see Thor and Hill watching from a respectful distance.
Steve gestured, then walked on. "So this is the first of the Avengers levels, not counting the flight deck, which is below us," he explained. "Most of the common facilities like the kitchen, the common room, the bar, and most of the residential areas are on this level."
As he spoke, a door slid open and they stepped through into what could only be the common room - it was a huge, open space that had to cover at least three floors, with staircases and ramps linking each level together. One entire side of the room was a massive window looking out toward the river, a bar was set up against the far wall, and another wall looked in on a workshop a level above. Couches, chairs, and tables dotted the space, which had clearly been designed for comfort and relaxation. There was a piano in the far corner.
Bucky was astounded at the scale of it all. He'd been all over the world, he'd seen wealth and poverty and secret bases and grand corporate buildings. But he'd known nothing like this before. And despite the luxury, and the glimpse of a Quinjet on the level below through a section of glass floor, the place felt… almost homey.
They slowly walked the circumference of the room, Steve pointing out features of interest as Thor chimed in from time to time. Thor demonstrated how they could summon a holoscreen in order to watch a film, or check the weather. Thor kept comparing it to 'the palace at Asgard' as if Bucky had any frame of reference for that.
"How're you feeling, Buck?" Steve asked, when they'd ended up in a nook on the lower level of the common area, standing by a long, semi-circular couch underneath a crazy looking light fixture.
"Like you've got rich friends, Steve," Bucky replied.
Steve laughed.
Bucky's neck prickled and he looked around.
She stood on the level above, silhouetted against the large window. Margaret Stark wore more casual clothes than he had ever seen her in: black jeans and a t-shirt, her arms crossed as she looked down at him with murderous eyes.
Bucky looked back at her for a long moment. He realized, looking at her there as she stood with her hair tied up and her bare feet on the sleek floor, that the reason this place felt homey was because it was a home. Hers.
Then she turned and strode out, the doors sliding open silently for her, without any of the others having seen her.
Bucky sighed and turned to Steve. "Let's head back."
Bucky went out on more walks, after the first one went off without an incident. The second time, Maria Hill was replaced by Sam Wilson.
Bucky remembered the man vaguely, but more from all the times Steve had mentioned him since.
Wilson shot Bucky a suspicious look when he emerged from the cell.
"Bucky," Steve said, "this is Sam. He's back in town for a few days, I thought it might be good for you two to meet. Sam, you know Bucky."
"Yeah, I do," Wilson said grimly. He tipped his head in a nod.
Thor glanced between them, seemingly at ease with the undercurrent of tension in the air.
"I'm… sorry," Bucky said. His eyes skated over Wilson's face. "For all the stuff I did."
Wilson's suspicious stance eased a little. "I appreciate that," he said honestly. He jerked his head. "We walking, or what?"
His walks out of the cell happened with increasing frequency. By the fifth time, it became clear that there was really no need for him to have more than one escort. J.A.R.V.I.S. had control of the Manacles, which would stop him if he needed to be stopped. With Steve usually, sometimes with Sam and/or Thor along as well, Bucky explored the levels of the Tower he had access to. The Avengers levels, the private library and art gallery, and the smaller Avengers gym (apparently there was another, larger one a few floors down, which was used for large-scale training with Avengers staff). Bucky found his curiosity about his surroundings only grew with each new place he explored.
Thor had warmed to Bucky easily. He didn't seem deterred by his silence, instead filling the air with well-meaning talk. Bucky learned a lot about Thor's girlfriend Jane, and about her work, and about Thor's home in Asgard. He talked a lot about his friends the Warriors Three and Lady Sif. When Bucky wondered aloud about Thor's ease, Steve explained that on Asgard, apparently injured warriors were to be afforded the utmost respect. Bucky didn't know if he counted as an injured warrior, but he appreciated Thor for it all the same. Though the static shocks he always got around the guy unnerved him sometimes.
Wilson was more reluctant to talk, but he seemed to understand Bucky's silences and moments of confusion. Steve had explained he was a kind of therapist for soldiers. It was very clear that Wilson didn't want to be his therapist, but that was fine. Bucky didn't much like how chummy Wilson tried to be with Steve.
When Bucky met Bruce Banner, it came as a surprise. He knew that J.A.R.V.I.S. warned the inhabitants of the Tower whenever he was out on a walk, so they could clear out of the way. But when he explored one of the workshop levels, two steps behind Steve as he peered through the glass walls at machines and gleaming workspaces, he abruptly found himself looking into the face of a mild-looking man in a white lab coat.
The man was in a large workshop, surrounded by holoscreens that illuminated him a faint blue as he looked out at Steve and Bucky. He met Steve's eyes and waved, smiling slightly.
Steve shot the man a questioning look, and the man nodded. The door to his workshop slid open.
"Uh, Bucky, this is… this is Doctor Bruce Banner," Steve said as he headed for the doors. Bucky followed slowly, uncertainly. When they both stepped into the workshop, the doctor slid his glasses off his nose and tucked them into the top pocket of his lab coat. Banner had tousled hair with sprinkles of grey, and an expression that seemed etched with weariness. His workshop smelled like antiseptic and something more herbal.
"Bruce," Steve continued, "this is Bucky."
Banner dipped his head in greeting, but did not offer his hand to shake. He smiled absently, looking a little fidgety. "It's nice to meet you," he said in a softer voice than Bucky had expected. "I, uh… have been meaning to introduce myself for a while."
Bucky felt surprise, but didn't show it. He didn't know what to say, so he kept his silence and watched the doctor.
In an almost delayed reaction, his operational knowledge slid into place: Doctor Bruce Banner. Codename Hulk. Level 8 target, do not engage. His shoulders rolled back and he lowered his centre of gravity on instinct.
Banner smiled wryly. "You don't need to worry, Sergeant Barnes. The other guy only comes out when I get angry. And right now, I'm perfectly calm."
Steve glanced between them nervously.
Bucky eyed the unassuming doctor. He thought he knew what the Hulk looked like: huge and green and furious. Though he didn't know how he knew that. He was certain that whatever the Hulk was, it would be impossible to fight. And that made his nerves prickle. But then he realized that Banner was like J.A.R.V.I.S.: it was impossible for Bucky to hurt him.
It took physical effort to shake himself out of his combat-ready stance. He tucked his shoulders in and straightened a little, letting the tension drain from his arms. He let out a breath.
When he was ready, he looked into Banner's watchful eyes. "What kind of doctor are you?"
Banner smiled. It had been the right thing to ask. "All sorts. Officially? Biochemistry and nuclear physics. Unofficially… whatever he tells me," he said, with a nod at Steve.
"Right now, Banner's working on tracing an alien object that got… misplaced on earth," Steve said, being very obvious about leaving important information out.
"And not having much success, I'm afraid," Banner sighed, with a gesture back at his holoscreens. "I've been comparing the data from the - the object, to extraterrestrial samples collected by NASA and Stark Industries, to see if we can quantify any chemical similarities. But no dice so far."
"Extraterrestrial?" Bucky echoed. "Stuff from space?"
Banner's mouth ticked up again. "Exactly." He looked over his shoulder at a far bench in his workshop. "Want to see?"
Maggie avoided Barnes like the plague. She ensured there was never another chance of them ending up in the same room again by checking in with J.A.R.V.I.S. every time she walked into a new area. The footage J.A.R.V.I.S. showed her unnerved her: Barnes's curiosity was clear in the way he explored the parts of the Tower he had access to, and the quiet questions he murmured to Steve. He spoke to J.A.R.V.I.S. like he and the AI were allies. Once, Maggie was reviewing the footage when she saw Steve and Bucky sitting on a common room couch together, laughing. It had jarred her to hear him laugh.
She had enough to worry about without worrying about Barnes and what he got up to when he was out of his cell. Keeping her fear and anxiety under control on a day-to-day basis took up more and more of her concentration as the weeks wore on. They'd been on two more missions to suspected HYDRA locations, one of which had ended in a fight. The fight didn't scare her - it was nice to throw herself into the work she was good at. But after the battle came the doubt, and the second guessing.
She had had two more panic attacks: the first had been after she'd been to visit her parents' graves. She'd remembered coming to visit them when she was in college, when she'd told them I remember you. I remember everything. The second panic attack had struck like lightning out of the blue, when she'd been processing forensic geographic data on the HYDRA data leak. It had reduced her to a gasping, crying mess on her workshop floor. That one had frightened her even more. Because there wasn't a reason.
Other than missions and meetings, she avoided the other Avengers. She got too many knowing and concerned looks whenever she let her hard, professional guard down, and the offers to talk made her skin itch. Natasha was the worst; she never said anything, but her expression was too knowing. It said I see everything you try to hide, and I'm waiting for you to crack. Natasha and Clint kept themselves to themselves most of the time, though they, Bruce, and Thor caught up in their spare time more regularly.
Things were getting worse with Steve and Tony: a lot of snide snarking from Tony and a mix of frustration and silent guilt from Steve. It made it uncomfortable to be in a room with them.
Tony had two run-ins with Barnes. He ignored Barnes and Steve both times, moving through the room to wherever he was going as if they weren't there. Barnes had frozen up both times, eyes wide and his shoulders tensed, holding his breath until Tony was out of sight once more.
Tony had been especially nasty to Steve after both occasions.
Finally, it became clear that keeping Barnes in his cell two floors down was no longer the best option. Bringing him up and down the stairwell each time was a security risk. So Tony and Maggie discussed, and then assigned Barnes a room in the residential suite of the Avengers levels. They fitted out a room down the corridor from Steve's wing with similar security measures to his cell: a heavy-duty door operated by J.A.R.V.I.S., biometric monitoring, and nothing that could be turned into a weapon. When they were finished, they informed Steve and let him handle Barnes's transfer.
"It's not like he can sneak up on us," Tony reasoned as he and Maggie sat at a bar downtown - they'd needed to get away from the Tower. "He still needs an escort to leave his room, and J.A.R.V.I.S. keeps an eye on all of it."
"Right," Maggie said, absently.
Back at the Tower, Bucky Barnes stood in his new room. Security wise, this place may have been similar to his cell. But where the cell had been about grim functionality, this space was… beautiful. He'd been given a suite with a bedroom, bathroom, and large living area, but no kitchen: he didn't blame them for that. A kitchen could be an armory, if you knew what you were doing. And what's more, he had windows. One massive one in the living room, and another in the bedroom. J.A.R.V.I.S. answered all the questions he had about the unfamiliar new buildings in the city skyline.
He had a TV too, and a bookshelf, and all the extra stimulation was a little overwhelming at first. But J.A.R.V.I.S. was good for that too: he could turn off all the lights and black out the windows in less than a second, so Bucky could focus on acknowledging and dealing with the snarling, snapping thoughts fighting for control in his mind.
He was getting more used to having use of his arm back, too. He didn't like to use it unless he needed it, but more often than not the limb just felt… natural. It wasn't until he woke up from a nightmare that he remembered again all the awful things his metal hand had done.
He knew he didn't deserve all this. But he couldn't deny that the comfort was… nice. It was nice to know that he didn't have to worry about a strike team smashing through the window while he slept - the windows were missile proof, and J.A.R.V.I.S. ran constant security for the building. It was nice to know that if he woke up as the Soldier, he would get no further than his bedroom door. It was nice to know that Steve was down the hall, as both security and as his friend. He had the choice of having his meals delivered to him, if he was having a bad day, or going to eat in Steve's suite, which had a kitchen. Bucky knew that Steve usually preferred to eat in the common kitchen with his friends, but neither of them acknowledged that.
Raynor approved of the move, too. Bucky needed her less and less to deal with the day-to-day parts of his life. He could eat, and dress, and find ways to spend his hours on his own. Sleep was less easy, but he never really needed all that much sleep anyway. Raynor even understood when Bucky admitted he couldn't sleep on the bed most nights. The floor was more reassuring. In most of their sessions they talked about the past, and how it was all snarled up and tangled in Bucky's mind. Old missions and faces and the immense weight of the lives he had taken and destroyed.
It started to look... something like a life.
Avoiding Barnes was easy enough, if Maggie worked at it. But one morning, after a sleepless, frustrating night, she trudged downstairs to the common area kitchen in search of coffee. It wasn't until she'd gotten to the kitchen entrance that she realized the room wasn't empty.
Barnes stood behind the long kitchen counter, his back to the door as he stood over the coffee machine. His dark hair hung below his chin, and the metal arm flashed by his side as he pressed buttons on the coffee machine. He wore dark trousers and a loose grey shirt.
Maggie's eyes darted until she spotted Steve: he was at the other end of the dining area by the window, his phone pressed to his ear and his back to Barnes and Maggie. It sounded like he was arguing with someone. Pale morning light filtered into the kitchen.
Maggie took a step back, intending to just leave as she normally did when she forgot to check with J.A.R.V.I.S. where Barnes was so she could avoid him. But then she noted the frustration in Barnes's posture as he struggled with the coffee machine. The machine whirred, spewing out water, and Barnes mumbled under his breath. J.A.R.V.I.S wasn't speaking, and Steve wasn't looking, and he was going to break the damn thing if he didn't-
"You talk to it," Maggie said flatly.
Barnes spun, aggression in his features as he whirled to face the voice that had surprised him, and Maggie's muscles instinctively clenched as she lowered her centre of gravity. But almost as soon as Barnes had whipped around battle-ready he relaxed, save for a look of wariness on his face. He stared at her, and his brow furrowed in confusion. It was like seeing a wolf turn into a terrier.
Maggie grit her teeth and held her ground in the kitchen doorway. "You talk to the machine."
The furrow in his brow deepened.
Frustrated, she leaned into the kitchen and bit out: "One black coffee, please."
The machine beeped and began whirring, dispensing rich brown liquid into the mug Barnes had placed on it. She turned to leave.
"Thank you."
Maggie tensed for a moment, hesitating at the soft voice, but then strode away.
May, 2014
The morning after the two-year anniversary of the Battle of New York, the Avengers found themselves on the Quinjet, on their way to another mission.
The day before they'd all been involved in memorials and anniversary events, as well as several press commitments. Maggie had been all over the city: Central Park, the library, a press event outside Avengers Tower, and two separate galas for first responders and reconstruction efforts in the evening. It hadn't been fun watching repeated footage of her brother vanishing into the black portal in the sky, but she knew why they kept playing it.
They were all tired. Tony had shadows under his eyes and Steve, though he needed less sleep than the rest of them, was more business-like than usual. Maggie had had a nightmare overnight; she couldn't remember what about, but she'd woken at three in the morning with her hand flung out to protect herself and a scream caught in her throat. To top it all off, several tabloid newspapers had seized on the photos of Maggie the day before and made comments about her appearing tired and sick. Normally she wouldn't let that get to her, but… she thought they might have a point.
So this morning she'd been preparing for a day of avoiding people and working on the therapy techniques she'd taught herself.
But then the Analysis office had identified key information from the hard drives Nat and Clint had found at the Missouri HYDRA base. The drives indicated that a large cache of HYDRA technology and weaponry had been moved out of the country less than a year ago. The chemical paralytic used on Thor had been just a taste.
The Analysis team had linked several clues about the destination of the weapons cache to a city in Venezuela. Thor had perked up, hopeful that they would find the Scepter there.
Barnes was to return to Cell A until the Avengers got back.
Steve talked them through the mission details as they flew, assigning positions based on the satellite data they had of the suspected HYDRA location: a tower in uptown Caracas. Maggie listened with her elbows on her knees and her wings tucked up against her back. Natasha was stretching on the seat next to her, palms wrapped around the base of her feet, and on Nat's other side sat Clint, running his fingers over the arrows in his quiver. Tony had designed two new arrowhead fittings for him. On the other side of the Quinjet, Bruce chewed on a protein bar beside Thor, who was messing with the buckle of his cape. Tony was flying the Quinjet, while Steve debriefed them with one hand on the cockpit roof to steady himself.
"I think we all know the drill by now. Neutralise the base, identify any weapons or technology for seizure, with our lookouts preventing any escapees. J.A.R.V.I.S. is on liaison with local law enforcement. But stay sharp, everyone," he said with a grim look. "You never know what this lot will have up their sleeve."
"They are no match for the might of the Avengers!" Thor crowed with a wink at Maggie. She smiled tiredly at him.
"Maybe not," Nat said as she rolled out of her stretch. "But I'll be watching my back all the same."
"We'll watch each other's backs," Clint said with a firm nod.
Half an hour later Steve charged down a set of stairs, bullets zinging over his head, as ahead of him Iron Man tore through a concrete wall into the next room.
They'd breached the tower two minutes ago, and it had been tough going - either the HYDRA sect inside had known they were coming, or they were well prepared for an attack by the Avengers. They were all armed to the teeth, with creative weaponry.
Steve deflected one of the flying bullets with his shield, and it pinged back at the HYDRA agent with the gun on the level above, who fell back with a cry. Steve turned just as Tony broke through the wall and staggered into the next room.
Steve leaped down the rest of the stairs and hurled his shield; it whirred over Tony's shoulder and smashed into the agent with the rocket launcher who'd popped up to face Iron Man. Iron Man charged through and Steve was quick to follow, hurdling the hunks of concrete around the hole in the wall. Repulsor blasts echoed in the windowless room as Tony fired at the other agents, and Steve leaped down in a spinning kick that knocked another one out cold.
When Tony had blasted the last man, he dropped his hands and scanned the area. Steve collected his shield from the other end of the room, adjusting the chin strap of his cowl. There wasn't much to the room, just some shelves and tables. There was no reason for it to be so heavily guarded, unless...
"That's the entrance to the final level," Tony announced, pointing to a metal shelf by Steve. Soon after the Quinjet had arrived at the tower, they'd realized that there was a small underground facility beneath it; Steve and Tony had made it two levels below the ground, but there was one more to go.
Somewhere above them, Steve heard an explosion and a metallic screech. That'll be Maggie, he thought as he strode over to the shelf. She was covering the sky, since it turned out that this HYDRA base had automated defense drones.
"Finally," Steve said as he set his shoulder to the side of the shelf and began pushing it out of the way. "Stark and I are entering the final level now," he said into the comms. Tony covered the door they'd come through, hands raised.
"If the tech is anywhere, it's in there," Nat called back. "Thor, can I get an assist here? They're in the southwest building as well."
"I am on my way!" Thor called, followed by a rumble of thunder.
The metal shelf screeched out of the way, revealing a thick metal door built into the wall.
"I'll do the honors," Tony said curtly, striding forward. Steve stepped back, his shield raised. He watched as Tony used his wrist-mounted laser cutter to slice through the sturdy metal, cutting a molten line around the hinges. When he finished, Tony hit the door with a repulsor blast. The door fell through and down with a loud clatter, vanishing into what looked like a darkened elevator shaft.
Tony and Steve both leaned in to the dark space beyond. Steve could make out metal rungs on the wall, leading down. He looked to Tony.
He expected some joke or comment about hidden entrances, but Iron Man just jumped into the darkness, landing twelve feet down with a clang and his hands raised, repulsors glowing.
"No heat signatures," he called.
Steve dropped down lightly, the shield up. He had excellent night vision, but he couldn't make out much until all the light sources on Tony's suit lit up like a makeshift floodlight. The large space at the bottom of the HYDRA tower was suddenly illuminated: it was about the size of a school gymnasium, with concrete walls and unlit light fixtures on the ceiling. Steve's stomach dropped as he looked around.
"Empty," he said over the comms, frustration biting at his voice. There were a few empty crates and barrels strewn around the place, but it was obvious it had been cleared out.
Tony swung his HUD gaze around, but clearly found nothing either because he let out a frustrated growl and kicked over an empty crate. The clatter resounded strangely in the underground space. Tony's metal gauntlets flexed.
Steve secured his shield to the harness on his back and put his hands on his hips, thinking. "If they used this place as a temporary holding location then it's possible there might be some data on where they moved the tech on to."
"We might have got here quicker," Tony said with a strange note to his voice, "if we hadn't all been so distracted with your personal issues."
Steve turned to face Tony, his eyebrows rising as he realized that the strange tension that had been in Tony's voice since the start of the mission was anger. He'd felt Tony's rising anger over the past days at the Tower, but he hadn't expected this. "Tony, this isn't the place-"
"No, you don't get it." Tony's face plate snapped up and he took a step forward. His eyes were dark, and his face lit strangely by the light emanating from his suit. "HYDRA killed my parents. You - you should've got rid of HYDRA back in the 40s, but they survived, and they ruined my entire life. And I am trying to end them-"
"You think I'm not?" Steve shot back. "I know what HYDRA's done to you, Tony. They've hit all of us, and no one more than you and Maggie. But fighting isn't-"
"That's right, because you're so above fighting, aren't you?" Tony snapped as he waved his hands about mockingly. "Always in control, aren't you? Controlling who does what, who knows what-"
Steve put out a hand. "You know what, Tony? I've apologized for what I've done. And I know you might not be able to let go of that right now, but you damn well better pull your head in on missions-"
"Because this one's gone so well," Tony half-laughed as he gestured to the empty basement. "Under your fearless leadership. Maybe if you didn't spend all your time mooning over the HYDRA agent in the Tower, you'd be better at catching the ones outside of it."
A cold look fell over Steve's face.
"What, no comeback now?" Tony said as he crowded in, his metal boots clanking on the ground. "That's it, isn't it? You're so busy trying to make your old war buddy Barnes feel better about killing my mom and dad that you haven't got time for catching the ones who gave the order-"
"You're going to want to calm down, Tony."
"Oh am I?" Tony planted his metal gauntlets on Steve's chest and shoved, knocking him back a step. "Y'know, I think I'm sick of you sitting up there on your high horse, Rogers."
Steve looked down at his chest. He ran his tongue over his teeth and then looked back up at Tony. "Well, one of us has to be the bigger person."
When Tony swung at him, Steve was ready. He ducked under the armored blow, and suddenly every back alley brawl from Brooklyn came surging back to him. He charged Tony, ramming into his torso with his shoulders and knocking him backwards, then grunted when Tony slammed a metal fist down on his back above the shield. They swung apart and struck again; Tony just missed Steve's head but Steve managed to crack Tony in the jaw, his knuckles getting half the armor and half his face. He got a glimpse of Tony's furious eyes right before the face plate clanked down.
Tony lifted both hands and shot a repulsor blast into Steve's shoulder - it knocked him back and left a scorch mark in the uniform, filling Steve's nostrils with the sharp smell of burning kevlar. He ducked another repulsor blast and then charged, seizing Iron Man around the middle and smashing him into the nearest wall. Concrete rubble rained down on both of them, drowning the sounds of metal whirring and clanking as Steve beat on the armor.
Tony got in a lucky shot, socking Steve in the face and cracking his head back. He cried out. Tony swung again, pressing his advantage, but Steve whipped the shield up and blocked the punch. Metal clanged.
"He killed my mom!" Tony shouted as he grabbed for the shield. "And you're having breakfast with him!"
The next blinding repulsor blast shot under the shield and knocked Steve in the gut, winding him. But he blocked the next blow, and then jumped up to slam the shield into Tony's head, ringing the helmet like bell. Tony stepped back and Steve hurled the shield into his chest, knocking him down. Tony let out an oof. Steve didn't let up - he dropped on top of the fallen armor and struck down, bloodying his knuckles. Tony fired his boot repulsors but Steve clung on, and they went shooting across the ground until they crashed against a far wall. Steve got his knee on Tony's chest just as Tony fired a searing repulsor blast right against his stomach. He punched the helmet again, cocked back his arm with the shield on it-
With a crash, a section of the concrete wall near the elevator shaft slammed inward. A fully armored HYDRA squad poured through, bristling with weapons and clad in black uniforms. They didn't even pause at seeing Captain America and Iron Man beating on each other before they started firing.
Steve rolled off the Iron Man armor, collecting blasts on the shield, and in the next second Tony was on his feet. His wave of repulsor blasts gave Steve enough cover to shoot to his feet and run head on at the HYDRA squad, bullets pinging off his shield until he slammed through them like a bowling ball. He swung the shield with extreme prejudice, his heart pounding and sweat rolling down the back of his neck. He was dimly aware of repulsor blasts picking off the outliers, and then when there were just three left he planted his feet and angled his shield. Tony's next repulsor blast seared off the surface of the Vibranium and Steve twisted, angling the beam directly into the remaining HYDRA agents. They flew back and crashed to the ground, smoking slightly.
Steve spun, shield raised, until he realized that all the HYDRA agents were now dead or unconscious on the ground. He turned, slower now, to face Tony. Steve's chest heaved as he caught his breath, and he could hear Tony's ragged breathing through his helmet.
Steve eased his arm out of his shield and dropped it to the ground. The Vibranium clang resonated across the basement. The Iron Man helmet's glowing white eye slits looked at the shield, then lifted to Steve's face again.
"Go on," Steve panted, opening his arms. "Take a few more shots, if it'll make you feel better. I'm-" he paused to catch his breath. "I'm not apologizing for being Bucky's friend."
Iron Man considered him for a long moment. He was so still, he could've been a statue. Then the faceplate slid up. Tony had a purpling bruise on his jaw and fire in his eyes. "I think I got it all out," he said in a low, cold voice. He strode forward, the armor clanking on the cold concrete, until he was just a few feet away from Steve. Steve could feel blood trickling down his temple.
Tony leaned down and picked up the shield. He flipped it over and looked down at it, considering the silver burnished star. He turned it in his hands and his metal fingertips scraped over the Vibranium edge. His dark eyes were impossible to read.
"My father made this shield."
Steve's expression broke. This is it, he realized. We weren't strong enough to keep the Avengers together, despite everything. This is Tony's way of ending it.
He closed his eyes, shoulders rising and falling.
But then he heard another scrape of metal, and when he opened his eyes, Tony was holding the shield out to him.
Tony met his eyes. "You damn well better earn it."
Steve let out a breath. He reached forward, bypassing the shield to grip Tony's forearm, and looked into his eyes. "Thank you, Tony."
One of the HYDRA agents on the floor groaned. Tony opened his mouth, the sudden light in his eyes telling Steve he was about to crack a joke, when suddenly there was another clatter from the elevator shaft and they both whipped around, shield and gauntlets raised.
At first the thing that dropped down from the shaft looked like a flash of black metal - but then the shape straightened, and Steve relaxed when he recognized Maggie. Her wings were slightly flared, the points bared, and her red eyes glowed as she looked across at them. She was carrying a rifle.
"What the hell is going on down here, we need serious back up - Steve!" she exclaimed when she focused on his singed and bloody uniform. Then she took in the dents in Tony's armor and the bruise on his face. She strode forward. "Shit, what happened?" she glanced at the sprawled HYDRA agents. "These guys did that?"
"Don't worry about it," Tony said. He jerked his head, with a look at Steve. "Those guys came from that hidden entrance, J.A.R.V.I.S. says it leads to a tunnel up to the surface. Let's get up there and end this."
He and Steve both strode past Maggie. She stared after them.
They took the fight to the sky.
Maggie careened through the air above the tower, chasing after one of the last weaponised defence drones while trying to avoid the heat-seeking miniaturised missiles it kept firing at her. The city was a chaotic sprawl around her, a line of flashing red and blue lights signalling the evacuation perimeter. The Avengers had more or less secured the building, but the HYDRA forces had spread out to the surrounding area, making fighting them more difficult. They didn't have as many agents anymore, but those that remained were armed with tech specially designed to combat the Avengers: Nat had just deactivated a particularly nasty chemical incendiary they'd left in the adjacent building. Several ground-to-air gun turrets were making it difficult to fly out from behind cover.
Maggie eyed her HUD as she used her flares to divert another missile. Tony was in the air on the other side of the building, seemingly recovered from whatever had happened down in that basement. Steve was leading Nat and Thor in a charge against the forces on the ground, Bruce was still in the Quinjet and Clint-
One of the neighboring buildings erupted in a bright orange ball of fire. The shock wave struck Maggie a moment later and she flinched, wings flapping to right herself. She caught a pained grunt over the comms and her heart dropped when she realized that the building now crumpling in on itself had been Clint's sniper's nest.
"Barton!" Steve called, clearly making the same link.
"I'm good," came Clint's panting voice. "I got clear."
Maggie chased her drone over the burning building and managed to shoot it down a second later, sending it pinwheeling down into a plume of thick black smoke. Flame roared into the air from the explosion site, hurting Maggie's eyes and sending a wash of heat over her until she flew clear. She felt a shiver of fear, but pushed it down. In the middle of a fight, at least, her fear for herself was not crippling.
"Okay, we've got this," Tony called as he rocketed around the side of the tower and fired a well-placed missile into one of the ground-to-air gun turrets. "J.A.R.V.I.S. has isolated all their heavy gun points now, we just need to get to them and-"
Something burning and lightning-fast slammed into Iron Man's side. His voice cut out with a crackle and Maggie watched as his glowing eyes went dead. He fell.
"Tony!" she screamed as Iron Man tumbled limply through the air. She veered around to chase after him, but it was too late: after just a few seconds of weightless falling Iron Man slammed to the ground, carving a deep gouge in the tarmac of an evacuated road until he came to a stop lying on his front, his limbs sprawled and his armor dented.
The world fell still.
Maggie couldn't breathe. She wasn't aware of her flight down until she landed so hard on the road that her ankle twisted under her with a stab of pain. She tried to catch her breath as she struggled upright, but her lungs didn't seem able to inflate. There was noise over the comms, but she couldn't concentrate on it.
She saw every time Tony had ever thrown himself into the jaws of death: the headlines about his abduction in Afghanistan. The fireball on the roof of Stark Industries. Iron Man disappearing into the dark portal in the sky over New York. The angular black and blue lines of Palladium poisoning on his neck.
Maggie staggered across the road toward her brother. Flames from the destroyed building licked at the air around her, leeching moisture from her skin and hurting her eyes, and her lungs were seizing and her throat was strangled and she was just at little girl staring at her dead parents as they burned -
She got to Tony, dropping to her knees beside him and seizing his metal arm. She rolled him over with a metallic groan. She tried to say his name but she couldn't speak, couldn't breathe -
The face plate slid up. And Tony was there, whole, a little bruised, his eyes open and a disgruntled expression on his face that abruptly turned to alarm when he saw Maggie's face.
He was breathing. Alive. His lips moved, but Maggie couldn't hear him. She realized her ears were ringing. Her chest was heaving but she couldn't feel herself breathing. She clutched her chest.
Tony was alive, but the sheer panic wasn't getting better: it swallowed her whole and crushed her like the vacuum of space, so much worse than anything she'd ever felt. Flames flickered over her skin and her eyes burned from tears she hadn't realized she was crying. She felt hands on her and she flinched, beat back at them, until she cried out from the bite of pain when her knuckles contacted metal. She blinked and realized she was on one elbow on the ground as she clutched at her chest, her throat. Her eyes were wide but her vision greyed at the edges like a fading television. Her wings drooped on the ground.
Maggie reached out, and her fingers found a red and gold metal arm. She followed it up and found Tony's face with her pin-point vision. He looked utterly terrified, switching between talking at her and looking somewhere over her shoulder and shouting. He's alive. He's alive.
I think I'm dying. Maggie tried to say the words, and she thought she managed it through her choked gasping, because Tony's eyes went even wider.
There was a sting in her neck and she slapped at it, but then it was gone.
She felt the thudding as her heart rate slowed. Her limbs fell, her fingers no longer strong enough to grip Tony's metal armor. The tight ball of lightning in her mind fizzled, scattering her thoughts with it. And then the greying at the edge of her vision swallowed her up in darkness.
Reviews
Guest: Thank you so so much for your kind review, I'm so pleased that you've enjoyed my stories and my writing. I can't thank you enough for reaching out - it's been a busy time for me and as much as I enjoy writing sometimes I don't have the energy for it, and reviews like yours really go a long way towards giving me the motivation :) Happy birthday!
DBZFAN45: Lost Girl indeed! Maggie's been struggling a lot, and that slowly starts to take over more and more of her life. I think you've hit the nail on the head: Maggie needs new direction, and a new way of coping with all that passion she has. See you later!
Themugglepadme24: Quite a lot of upset feelings last chapter, you're right! They deserve a rest, but I prob won't give it to them haha. Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)
Guest: Yes, Bucky has his arm back! Thank you for your kind words about the chapter, I hope you enjoyed this one too :)
Nina: Sorry to make you cry! But it always tells me I'm doing something right when my writing induces tears ;) Maggie is definitely overdue a serious breakdown. And yes, we will be getting up to the Accords in the future, which is going to be fun to write! Thanks very much for a lovely review :)
The1975Love: She really wasn't handling things very well! And I'm glad you liked the Sam and Maggie bonding, I'm trying to write more of that :)
Shorttrooper: Hopefully things are calming down a bit with your work and you can have a bit more of a rest! I really love your analogy about the crack moving across the windshield by the way, that perfectly describes Maggie's journey right now. And yes my pace is a bit glacial at the moment, but I promise it will be well worth the wait :) But hey, at least you weren't one of the ones who got left on a week's long cliffhanger during Maggie's trial in the Wyvern! That was a fun one lmao.
Aqua: Haha hey no worries, this review came in just as I was putting the finishing touches on this chapter! You're spot on with Maggie's mindset, she's having big swings from anger to panic to apathy, and that's clearly taking a big toll on her. And also changing the way she reacts to people. You're not alone in inwardly screaming "maggie get help!" I think everyone's on board with that now haha, especially after this chapter ;) And your comment about "curious to see whether there'll be any more blowouts between him and Steve" made me laugh haha, hope you enjoyed this chapter ;) Have a wonderful week!