Annex Annu, the world renowned Artesian, awed by all townkin of man and mer alike on this side of Morrowind for his ability to forge exquisite armor entered the dank and gloomy Daedric shrine, the oval door grinding closed behind him. Someone had told him that in these ruins he could find sheets of pure Emerald. He was asked to mend a complete suit of Emerald Armor for a client, and was in desperate need for some money. The pay-off for the armor was tremendous. He had a run-in with a few Flame Atronoches and a slew of Cliff Racers outside the shrine, and had hoped that it would be clear of Daedra worshipers. He had had enough of nesciences for today. But, sadly, waiting for him when he got down to the statue chamber was an Orc in a sad display of mixed-and-matched Bonemold Armor and Steel Armor. She was holding a harshly chipped Iron Warhammer.
"Haha, where'd you get that, the Ordinator's Stock Warehouse? I've seen better armor on a scamp." Annex scoffed.
"You try worshiping Sheogorath. His taste in uniforms is awful. That, and to get into his top league, you have to perform…things." The Orc said, slightly shuttering at the end of her sentence.
"What kind of things?" Annex asked, scooting closer towards the Orc.
"He's the Mad God, so honestly, what do you THINK you need to do?" The Orc said, giving Annex a hint by pointing towards a large candle and rubbing her rear end.
"Ooooooh…and…and is the thing still lit when you shove it up there?" Annex said, muffling a laugh at the thought of it.
"Laugh it up, Breton!" The Orc said, raising her Warhammer high above her head.
The Warhammer was so over-exaggeratedly heavy, that when she raised it above her head she got top heavy and fell backwards. Annex burst out laughing, sticking his Daedric Shortsword into the side of the shrine and leaning on it for support so he wouldn't collapse.
"Ugh…sh-shut up…ugh…Breton." The Orc said, shuffling to her feet and trying in vain to pick her Warhammer back up.
"Oh, oh my," Annex said, gasping for air, "you are pathetic. I…hah, oh sweet Guar droppings, I won't even bother killing you. I'll just let you try to pick that thing up."
And at that, Annex walked right past the Orc, who was stilling grunting and trying to lift her Iron Warhammer up off of the ground. As Annex descended down a stairwell, he ran into yet another Sheogorath worshiper.
"Oh, hello." The Dunmer said, wearing nothing but his underwear. They looked disturbingly brown. Annex figured we must have been REALLY insane to wear that attire.
He also thought that the Dunmer must have been very high up in the ranks with Sheogorath, and laughed at the thought of what bazaar task he had to do to obtain his rank. The only thing worse then a lit candle up the arse was an unlit candle down your throat.
"Uh…hi? You going to try and kill me, or what?" Annex asked.
"Oh, no. You see, I am not a Sheogorath worshiper. I am a Dreamer. I must have been sleepwalking though, because when I woke up I was in here. Woo doggy, I'll tell you what, Skooma and sleep don't mix. Gives you weird dreams and makes you sleepwalk. I'd rather just sniff some Bonemeal and have that nice, temporary feel-good-sensation. This damn Skooma gets you for weeks!" The Dreamer said, slapping his knee.
"Alright then." Annex said, his eyes looking at a large chunk of meat dangling from the Dreamers waist. "Can…can I ask what that is?" He asked, pointing to the meat. He didn't even want to think about where it came from.
"Why of course. It's Corprus Meat." The Dreamer answered, patting the meat at his waist. It made a disgusting squishing sound when he patted it.
"What on Vivec's pair of Netch Leather Boots is Corprus Meat?" Annex asked, eyeing the meat suspiciously because of the noise it made.
"Oh, it's the raw flesh from Corprus monsters, the men infected by the Corprus. Like that fellow right over there." The Dreamer pointed towards a fat lump of idiotic-looking flesh slowly, very, very, and even more so, very slowly, lugging its way towards them.
The Corprus monster made its way up the stairs after a few hours, the two men just staring at it the entire time appalled at how slowly it was moving, and the disgusting sagging noise it made when it put one foot in front of the other, and hit the Dreamer. More like pussy-slapped it; Pussy-slapped it with its Vienna Sausage-looking stumps-for-arms.
"Ouch," The Dreamer said, his voice suddenly dropping to a disturbingly feminine tone, as if he really had no balls. He began slapping the beast back, "that hurt."
The two went at it, slapping each other back and forth. Annex got tired very quickly of watching the two pansies' poor excuse for even a cat fight, and walked on, making his way into the room where a surprisingly well-kept statue of the Daedric God Sheogorath stood.
"Why the hell has the rest of the shrine gone to hell, but this lame statue looks like it was just sculpted yesterday?" Annex asked aloud, approaching the shrine.
"Because," An old voice boomed from above, "I clean it every night. With Scrub-N-Bubbles too."
"Uh…" Annex said, looking around for the source of the voice, "who's there?"
"It is I! Sheogorath! Mere mortal, I will destroy you if you shall question my cleaning methods! I also go for a nicer, more lemony scent with Mr. Clean. " The voice said, sounding like one of those annoying women on the late-night infomercials.
"Right. What are YOU going to do? Bore me to death with your lame stories of the useless wars and events you been through? Like anyone cares about how Vivec killed his own children fifty-zillion eras ago. No one cares about how much less a damn Hackle-O leaf costs back in the Second Era then it dose today, or how much less Arcane was known before the Nords came to Tamriel, or whatever the hell you are going to ramble endlessly on about. Come on old man, seriously. I am just here to search for some-" Annex started before he was interrupted.
"SILENCE!" Sheogorath said, trying to say powerfully, but it still sounded weakly, "I will not listen to you. Now you must do a task for me. Deep within the Sea of Ghosts lies an ancient artifact left by me eons ago."
"Yeah, I would have figured you are that old." Annex said.
"Poor child. LISTEN! It lies west of the Sanctus Shrine, marked by a large stone jutting out of the water. Go, and retrieve my…um…Spectacles of Indigenous Doom…ish…Stuff." Sheogorad said.
"And if I do?" Annex asked, his interest perked.
"I'll reward you humbly." Sheogorad said.
"I'm in." Annex said, exiting the shrine.
On his way out, he met up with the Dreamer and Corprus beast, kissing and giggling with each other instead of slapping each other.
"Vhek save us all. Hopefully some time in the future they will make it against the law for people like those two fruity pops to do stuff like that with each other." Annex thought to himself as he passed them by. Little did he know that, eventually in time, his wish would be granted.
He also walked by the Orc, who had given up on picking up her Warhammer and was now sitting on the head of it, smoking Skooma and beating horribly off-tune on a Guarskin Drum.
"Sweet Sotha Sil's ear lobe, Sheogorath is a shitty Daedric God, with shittier followers." Annex thought to himself again, shaking his head as he walked out of the door.
After a week or so of walking from the Molag Amur Region all the way to Sanctus shrine, Annex finally started searching the water. He dove and dove and dove some more, and still could not find the Spectacles of Indigenous Doomish Stuff, until he dove so far down that he could no longer hold his breath. Sticking half way out of the sand, he grabbed the glasses and rose to the surface, gasping for air. Proud of himself, he got back onto land, after fighting off 46,000 Slaughterfish, 442 Dreugh, and 214 Mudcrabs along the way.
"What in Oblivion do the people feed those damn animals during mating season? Seriously, there shouldn't be that many damn fish in a one-mile radius only a few yards off the coast." Annex pondered while walking towards the Daedric ruins once again, "These glasses don't look that special at all, anyway. Look thicker then Sheogorad's head, too." He was inspecting the glasses.
Upon entering, he found that everyone had left the shrine. The only thing left was a piece of Shalk Resin, which had been molded over an embarrassingly-small penis, which was lying on the ground by the stairs the descended to the shrine room. It also looked like it had been used, thoroughly.
"No. Not the Dreamer and the Corprus beast." Annex thought and shuttered, clasping his hand over his mouth to keep from vomiting.
He ran past the room and down the stairs until he got to the statue. He walked up to it and kicked the leg of the old man when he didn't say anything.
"Ouch! You little bastard!" Sheogorath boomed again.
"Well, here are your glasses of crazy stuff." Annex said, placing the glasses onto the foot of the statue.
"Well, thanks." Sheogorath said, almost sounding like he was smirking.
The glasses disappeared into thin air.
"And my reward?" Annex asked, holding his hands out.
"Oh yes, um…here, take this." Sheogorath said.
A single piece of gold fell from the sky into Annex's hands. It was actually a wooden counterfeit, and was worth nothing.
"What the fuck?" Annex said, angry, "You're kidding, right? You're pulling my fucking leg, right from its socket, right?"
"Hah, ok, I won't lie. There is nothing special about the glasses; I just dropped them overboard on my last cruise around the area, and seeing as I'm just a spirit and all, and spirits can't swim, I needed you to get them for me." Sheogorath explained.
Annex stood quietly for a few minutes, and then left the shrine. He returned a few days later, two small white packages under each arm.
"W-what are those?" Sheogorath asked as Annex entered the shrine room.
Without a word, Annex strapped one of the packages onto the statues left leg. He then cast a spell on himself and levitated up to the statues head. He spit in the face of Sheogorad and then strapped the other package onto the head. Then he left the room, standing on the stairs.
"Heh…heh…hahahahahaha." Annex laughed madly.
"What? Hey, why do these packages smell like Sulfur?" Sheogorath asked, sounding slightly scared.
"Fuuuuuck you old man. I'm no ones bitch!" Annex said and pressed a small trigger that was in his hand.
"Oh son of a Netchman's wife." Sheogorad said, as the Dwemer Satchel Charges went off, crumbling the statue.
"Serves you right you dick." Annex said.
He saw that there was a small chest behind the rubble of the statue. He walked over to it and lifted the top up. Inside was a stack of sheets of Emerald.
"THIS is what I wanted." Annex said, "Now I can make that suit of Emerald Armor for that fellow in Gnar Mok."
Annex left the ruins and walked back to his shop in the Vivec, Foreign Quarter Lower Waistworks. He then crafted a fine suit of Emerald Armor and a few days later and was off to Gnar Mok with the shipment. He sold off the armor and made a fortune, skipping back towards Vivec like a little school girl. Sadly, he didn't make it back to his shop in Vivec with his fortune. He was attacked by a raid of 349 Cliff Racers, all with a Dwemer Satchel Charge strapped to their chest, in the Bitter Coast Region. Just goes to show you, never underestimate the irony of Sheogorad. Turns out though, that the whole 'Explosives-Strapped-Onto-Chests' deal caught on, on some other planet in some distant galaxy, during the mid-90's. Odd, isn't it?