Dear…er… Journal…

You have been honored to be written in by James Olivier Charlemagne Kristoph Solomon Tristan Rob Anybody Potter. Right then. Right. What the hell am I supposed to write about anyway? I'd ask Padfoot except… his idea of a journal is recording the names of every girl he's snogged. Brilliant, that one is. Absolutely genius.

James sighed as he chucked the leather-bound journal into the waste basket. "You know, Padfoot, I don't think this journal thing is working out for me." Sirius's ears perked up. Journal? Journal meant diary. Diary meant deepest darkest secrets. James's deepest darkest secrets in Sirius's hands meant loads of humiliation and embarrassment for James. Which meant Sirius would be happy. Very happy. Sirius could hardly sit still in his seat, waiting for James to find his clothes and leave.

Half an hour later…

"Where is my darn underwear?" James raked his hair in frustration in front of an overturned drawer. "Padfoot? Have you seen my underwear?"

"Nope. You can borrow mine." James turned around suspiciously. Padfoot being so generous meant that Sirius was abducted and a fake was left behind in his place or that he wished to play a prank on James. James carefully inspected Sirius's extra underwear and prodded it with his wand. Finally satisfied that it wasn't charmed or hexed, James put it on, got dressed, and left the room. The minute the door slammed shut, Sirius scampered to the wastebasket and grabbed the book.

James was reading in the Gryffindor common room when he heard a maniacal laugh coming from the boys' dorm. A wheezing Sirius stumbled out the room and flew himself to the top of the chandelier.

"JOCKSTRAP," he yelled at the top of his lungs. James grew bright red as he saw the book Sirius was holding in his hands.

"Sirius! There are innocent first years here, for Christ's sake!"

Sirius grinned. "James's initials are JOCKSTRAP!"

Lupin raised an eyebrow at Sirius. "I thought they were J.P."

"Padfoot. Shut up."

"J is for James or Jamesie-poo!" "Padfoot!"

"O is for Olivier or Ollie-boy!"

"Padfoot, I'm surprised at you! I expected more from a Marauder."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"I should have said OLIVE! James is a white vegetable!"

"Moony would like to add his two cents in by reminding Padfoot that olives are anything but white."

"Exactly why he's a white olive!"

"Shut up, both of you!"

"C is for Charlemagne…or… er…"

"Charlemagne means Charles the Great."

"C is for Charlemagne the Not-So-Great!"

"Moony, make him stop!"

"Why? This is so amusing."

"Fine then. Be that way."

"Oh we will."

"K is for Kristoph von Heimenhilvennhifer!"

"Gesundheit?"

"Heimen-what's it what?"

"Kristoph von Heimenhilvennhiferhorkanschroedendimer!"

"That sounded longer than the first time. And it's Kristoph. Just Kristoph."

"Moony would like to know where Padfoot learned 'German.'"

"It is one of my one hundred eight special super secret skills!"

"And what's another one? Snogging girls senseless in broom closets?"

"No, it's remembering the names of every girl I snogged silly."

"That's better, how?"

"Another one is climbing atop mountains and seeing the whole world with my left eye! And my other left eye!"

"How many left eyes do you have?"

"Eleventyten."

"That's not even a number."

"Anywho! S is for Solomon the Not-So-Wise!"

"Solomon had billions of wives."

"Really? Not fair! Well I'm the secret lover of your billions of wives!"

"Moony would like to point out that James would only marry Lily and that's assuming that she says yes."

"T is for Tristan."

"No wisecracks this time?"

"Hey, Moony! Who the heck is Tristan?"

"Well he did have doomed a love."

"Like James? I mean he's probably going to die before he graduates at this rate! And graduation is SO fun!"

"Because you feel as if you accomplished something?"

"Heck no! Because we have a party with all the babes later on and we can get drunk and—"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Moving on! R is for… Rob? Why Rob? It's so lame."

"Read the next name."

"Rob Anybody?"

"Yup. My dad was starting to say the name Robert when my mother started screaming 'Hello? Anybody going to clean me up!' so the doctor heard Rob Anybody. Stupid hospital wouldn't change it. It stuck."

"What do you steal anyway?"

"Stuff."

"MOONY! I found out who's been stealing our underwear! It's James! Oh the horrors! To think my best friend is a kleptomaniac with a fetish for underwear!"

"SHUT UP, PADFOOT!"

"Our underwear has been getting stolen?"

"James has been losing his boxers with the pictures of Lily on them."

"He has pictures of me? On his boxers?"

The Marauders looked up to see a grinning Lily. "Oh, um, Hello, Lily…ehehe…" James trailed off in fear. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough, Jockstrap."

"WHAT THE HE-"

"Now, now, James. You won't be able to win any girl's heart by swearing at her. Bye now!"

James groaned. "My life is ruined," he wailed as he began tugging on his hair. He focused his crazy wild-eyed look on Padfoot and pointed a finger at him. "YOU! This is ALL your fault!"

Sirius jumped down from the chandelier and began running. "Not my fault you steal underwear!"

"I do not steal underwear!"

"Then what did you steal? Huh?"

"Your socks."

Padfoot's lips quivered as his voice lowered to a hoarse whisper. "Not my lucky socks, anything but them!"

James laughed maniacally. "Oh, yes your lucky socks."

"Not the orange ones with beautiful purple triangles doing the tango with green squares!"

"Uh-huh."

"You mean the ones with the bright blue heels with mermaids dancing in them?"

"The very same."

"And plaid toes?"

"Yup."

"THEY WERE MY FAVORITE TOE SOCKS! AND YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES! DEATH TO JOCKSTRAPS! EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

"Head for the hills!"

"No one can save you now!"

"FLY YOU STUPID BROOM! ARRRGGH! NOOO!"

Padfoot had climbed onto the end of James's broomstick and was biting on James's socks. "An eye for an eyeball, an ear for a toothball, and most importantly, a sock for a sock!"

"LEMME GOOO!"

"Sock… must… have… sock…"

okay... this is the weirdest thing i have ever written...